


Make It Real

by ahopper84, themayqueen



Series: Truth is a Whisper [2]
Category: Everybody Else (Band), Hanson (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Best Friends, Boyfriends, Break Up, Cheating, Coming Out, Divorce, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Gay Sex, Homophobia, Incest, Infidelity, Light BDSM, Light Bondage, M/M, Marijuana, Rimming, Secret Relationship, Sexual Content, Sexual Identity, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-23
Updated: 2015-10-04
Packaged: 2018-04-16 20:20:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 96,542
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4638891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ahopper84/pseuds/ahopper84, https://archiveofourown.org/users/themayqueen/pseuds/themayqueen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zac and Taylor both have doubts. But when Taylor does what he thinks is best for his brother, will Zac find a way to live with the choices he’s made?</p>
<p>Note: This fic was originally posted elsewhere as Part Two of the story Truth is a Whisper. It has been reformatted, edited a bit and posted as a series here.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Zac**

I stood in my studio working on my painting for Jordan--no, Taylor. It still made my head spin to think about everything that had changed over the last few weeks. Realizing I was gay was a big enough deal, but falling in love only to discover that the guy I had fallen for was my brother... it was enough to make a person doubt his sanity.

But somehow, it made a strange sort of sense.

I wasn't making much progress on the painting, though. Even though Taylor had already seen it, it wasn't finished. It wasn't perfect. Not perfect enough for him, anyway. I still couldn't seem to get it right, so I didn't even mind when someone knocked on the door, although I did wonder who it could be. No one, not even Kate, interrupted me when I was in my studio.

I set my paintbrush down and walked over to the door, opening it just a sliver and peering out carefully. “Hello?”

It was only Taylor. Of course. I felt a smile spreading all the way across my face. “Oh... Tay. Hey.”

“Hey, Zac,” he said, smiling back and blushing a bit. “I hope you're not busy...”

“No... just uh, working on a painting,” I replied, stepping aside and letting him in the room. I didn't like for most people to see my paintings before they were finished, not even Taylor.

He seemed a little nervous, too, just biting his lip and staring at me while I closed the door behind him. Once the door was closed, he stepped in closer to me, leaning in and kissing me. There was still something strange about kissing him, but I think it would have been weird no matter who it was. It just happened to be my brother. I ran my hand across his back as I kissed him back, finally pulling away and grinning. “Now that's a greeting.”

He chuckled. “Yeah, I just thought we could hang out for a while. Nat went out, and I was bored and... I missed you.”

The last few words he mumbled so that I could barely hear them, his face turning bright red at the same time. I couldn't help giggling. “Aww, I missed you, too. Of course we can hang out.”

“Cool,” he replied, glancing around the room. His eyes landed on The Painting. “You've been working on it?”

“I just wanted to get it right,” I replied with a nod. Taylor gave me a shy smile, but didn't reply. I felt myself blushing as I asked, “Do you... do you like it?”

His smile spread all the way across his face. He wrapped his arms around my neck and kissed me, then pulled back and said, “You know I love it... baby.”

I could hear the hesitance in his voice at the term of endearment, and he bit his lip nervously after he said it. My face was burning, and I had no doubt it was bright red. Hearing Taylor call me that should have been weird, but it wasn't. I loved it. 

Taylor leaned in to kiss me again, but stopped suddenly. He sniffed the air in between us a few times, and pulled back to look at me with a knowing smirk. I had a feeling I knew what he was smelling; I had smoked a joint not too long before I started on the painting. But I still tried to play innocent. “What is it?”

“Been... relaxing?”

“Oh,” I replied, not meeting Taylor's eyes at first, then smirking. “Umm, maybe.”

He laughed and rubbed my back. “Remember that one chat we had? About smoking together?”

“Yeah...” I replied, not sure where Taylor was going with that in spite of his smirk.

He leaned in and kissed my neck. “Well?”

I moaned softly, leaning closer to him. “I'm sorry... were you talking?”

Taylor nipped at my neck lightly. “Maybe...”

I moaned again. “Well... if I can peel myself away from you for a second, I guess, uh, I'll pack us a bowl?”

Somehow, the idea of sharing that secret of mine with Taylor seemed just as weird as, well, having sex with him. It made no sense at all, but that was the truth.

Taylor sighed, but made no move to let go of me. He bit down on my neck and said, “But I like it here...”

I whimpered. “I'm a fan of here, too.”

“But,” he said, finally pulling away, “on the plus side, we have all night.”

I couldn't help grinning at that; not only was he right, but the way he blushed as he smirked at me was absolutely adorable. “Sounds good to me.”

He backed away from me slowly, his hands lingering on my body, sliding slowly down my back and across my sides, until he could find no more reason to hang on. Finally, he walked away and took a seat on the couch. I watched him for a moment, then walked over to the shelf where I stored my paints. I had one special box with a hidden compartment that was the perfect place for my stash. Tucked in beneath the tubes of oil and acrylic, I found my favorite pipe and a little baggie of weed that I thought held just enough.

I joined Taylor on the couch, laughing nervously when I saw how closely he was watching me. “I don't usually smoke with other people,” I explained, opening the baggie and picking through it to get out the seeds and stems.

“We don't have to if you don't want to. I don't want to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, its fine. I want to smoke with you,” I replied, giving him a genuine smile. “It's just kind of weird.”

“Weird how?” He asked, a curious smile on his face.

“It's just... this is usually my secret thing. But I don't mind sharing my secrets with you.”

Taylor laughed lightly, then looked away. “Yeah, well... it's not the weirdest thing we've done, that's for damn sure...” He trailed off, finally glancing back at me and winking.

I laughed. “I suppose it isn't. But did you really just wink at me?”

“Umm... maybe?” He replied, laughing nervously.

“That's... kinda cute. Cheesy as hell, but cute.”

He blushed even more than usual and looked away, running a shaking hand through his hair.

“Tay... you okay?”

He gave me a weak smile. “Yeah, I'm fine. Just... still getting used to this, I guess.”

I nodded. “Yeah...”

“Not used to being called 'cute,' either,” he added.

“I don't believe that for a second. Have you met our fans?”

He rolled his eyes. “That's different.”

“Well, they're not wrong.”

Taylor sighed. “If you say so.”

I temporarily abandoned the weed, which was almost ready to be packed into the bowl, and scooted closer to Taylor. Until recently, I had never realized how insecure he was, how much of a front he kept up. I wished there was some way I could make him see himself the way I saw him. “Tay, I do say so. I mean it.”

He nodded, but wouldn't meet my eyes. “I know...”

“Look at me, Tay.” I touched his cheek softly as I said it. Taylor finally met my eyes, chewing his lip. Just looking at him took my breath away. How could he not see that? “You really have no clue, do you? How beautiful you are?”

Tears welled up in his eyes. He swallowed hard before speaking, his voice barely above a whisper. “Zac...”

“Yeah?”

He closed his eyes as a tear fell. “I'm scared.”

I reached up and wiped the tear away. “Tay... what are you scared of?” 

“I'm scared because...” he began, taking a shaky breath. “Because I've never felt anything like this. Never. I love you so much. So much that I can't breathe without you. And, and I'm terrified because of what could happen if we were found out. But I'm more terrified that you're going to realize how much better you could do, with someone who could actually offer you all the things I can't.”

I stared at him, digesting everything he said. It wasn't that I didn't understand his fears. I did, and I worried about the same things. But being with him felt so right that I just had to believe that it was and that everything would be okay. Still, I felt myself tearing up. 

I tried to collect my thoughts and tell him how I really felt. “Tay... god, I'm scared, too. I don't wanna lose you. But you're wrong. Even if it was possible for me to do better, I don't want to. I love you, Taylor.”

He choked back a few more tears, laughing as he did so. “I love you, Zac.”

I wrapped my arms around his neck and held him tight, figuring that said more than any words could. He held me just as tight, pulling me in for a deep, lingering kiss. I didn't want it to end, but...

“So, umm, about that bowl...” I said, laughing nervously.

Taylor laughed, letting go of me and nodding. “Yeah... enough about all that love crap.”

I smirked. “You know I'm not good at talking about stuff like that.”

I picked up the bowl from the coffee table and began packing it full of the weed I had broken up. I wasn't great at rolling joints, even after so many years of smoking, but I knew I could pack a bowl. I took pride in all the nice pieces I owned, too, and the one I had picked for us today was one of my favorites. 

I could feel Taylor's eyes on me, so I glanced up and raised an eyebrow at his curious expression. “What?”

“Nothing... just, never smoked that way before.”

“Oh?” 

He shook his head. “Nope. Only smoked a joint a couple times.”

“So, we've found something I'm more experienced at?” I replied with a smirk.

Taylor returned my smirk and nudged me. “Yeah, yeah. Enjoy it.” 

“Oh, I am. You've taught me plenty,” I replied, feeling my smirk give way to a deep blush. “My turn to return the favor now, I guess.”

Taylor laughed nervously, but didn't reply. I finished packing the bowl and fished through my pocket for the lighter I was pretty sure I had stored in there earlier. Finding it, I glanced back up at Taylor. “So, umm, you ready?”

He nodded. “Sure.”

I held the pipe to my lips and light it, taking a long, slow hit. It was definitely some good shit; I didn't think Taylor, even less experienced than me in these things, would be disappointed. Still holding in my hit, I passed the pipe to him and watched him curiously as he mimicked my movements. When his eyes fluttered shut, I finally allowed myself to exhale.

After a moment, he exhaled and passed the bowl back to me. “Nice...”

“Yeah?” I asked, smiling. I couldn't have explained it, but there was something really nice about sharing this with him.

He nodded, smiling nervously. “Yeah, I think I might like this better. Doesn't burn as much, you know?”

“Yeah,” I replied, nodding. “Depends on the pipe, though.”

The pipe was still lit, so I took another long hit, eyeing Taylor the entire time. He shivered, and gave a small sigh. “That's... hot.”

“That's hot?” I replied, imitating his sigh.

“Yeah,” he replied with a giggle, then took the pipe back from me and took another hit. He held this one in longer and I couldn't take my eyes off him.

“You're right. That is hot.”

He exhaled slowly, licking his lips. I couldn't help moaning slightly at the sight, but I quickly grabbed the pipe and took another hit to calm myself down. Taylor leaned his head back against the couch, smiling. I knew that expression, even if I hadn't seen it on his face before.

I exhaled. “Feeling good?”

“Yeah... good,” he replied, nodding slowly.

He took the pipe back and took another hit, then glanced at me. He motioned for me to come closer, and I wasn't entirely sure what he had in mind. I scooted closer and asked, “What?”

Without a word, Taylor pulled me in for a long, deep kiss, passing the smoke between us. Both the kiss and the slightly diluted hit took my breath away. Finally pulling away from me, Taylor said, “That's what.”

I felt myself shiver. “I've never done that before. Wow...”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “I mean, I've only ever smoked with guys. Umm, straight guys, I mean.”

“As far as you know,” Taylor said, smirking.

I raised an eyebrow. “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Well, no offense, but if you couldn't even tell you were gay, how do you know you could tell if someone else was?” He took another hit after that, giving me time to ponder the question.

“I guess you have a point,” I replied.

He exhaled slowly, leaning his head back again and closing his eyes. It was such a simple movement, but I felt it was possibly the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. I pried the pipe from his grip and took another hit of my own. Frowning, I glanced down at the bowl. The ashes were barely still smoldering, about to burn themselves out. I glanced back up at Taylor. “I think it's just about cashed.”

He looked over, as though he wanted to offer his opinion on the state of it, then shrugged. “I think I'm good for now, anyway. Kind of a lightweight, I think.”

He giggled at the end of that statement, and it made me giggle as well. I took a strange sense of pride in seeing that I was better at _something_ than Taylor. “So I can't drink you under the table, but I can smoke you under it... umm, that sounds wrong.”

Taylor laughed loudly, then gave me a look. “You can, ahem, smoke me under the table any time.”

I couldn't help giggling and blushing at the way he winked again. “Okay then.”

We both settled back on the couch and sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Taylor was the first of us to break the silence, his face scrunching up a bit as though he was giving something serious thought. “Hey, Zac?”

“Yeah?”

“The other day, when we were umm... here... doing... stuff...”

The way he trailed off and stuttered was kind of adorable, but I wanted to know where he was going. “Yeah...?”

“I just... wanted to apologize, I guess. Or explain.”

“Apologize? For what?”

He took a deep breath and sat up. “The name thing.”

I watched him intently, still not sure what point he was trying to make. I didn't want to talk about, or even think about, the name thing. “What about it?” 

“When I asked you if I could call you Sam,” he said. “I just don't want you to think it's because I didn't want it to be you. Because I do. I mean, it's still you, either way. But, I just... calling you Zac just really drives it home that you're my brother. And it just felt, well, a little weird.”

I knew all of that. I did. I just really didn't want to talk about it. I glanced down, not meeting Taylor's eyes. “I know... and I understand that, I guess.”

“But... when you called me Taylor...” he said, trailing off. Out of the corner of my eyes, I could see him shiver. “God, Zac, It was just... it makes it more real. Reminds me that yes, you are my brother. And you love me anyway. You want to be with me anyway.”

“I do, Tay,” I said, nodding and slowly meeting his eyes. “I know it's kinda crazy, but I do. I'm glad you didn't freak out when I said your name. I was kinda afraid you would.”

Taylor bowed his head slightly, but still stared back at me. “It was... well, it was fucking sexy as hell.”

I giggled. That's exactly how I had felt about hearing him say _my_ name. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” he replied, slowly raising his head and eyeing me curiously. “Why did you agree to call me Jordan, though?”

“Because it's what you wanted,” I said with a shrug.

He gave me a sad look. “But what about what you want?” 

“I want you. So, whatever you wanted to call me, that was fine with me. I guess I don't usually worry about what I want...”

Taylor pouted and reached out to touch my cheek. “Zac... you should. You deserve it.”

“I guess...”

“No guessing,” he said, his voice serious and stern. “I want you to start telling me what you want, you hear me? That's an order.”

I could hear a laugh threatening to break through his last few words, and I struggled to contain my own laughter as I replied, “Yes, master.”

Taylor shivered, then smirked. I could almost see the wheels in his brain turning.

“Oh, you like that? Interesting...”

He looked away nervously, which was as good as saying yes. “I've never really, umm...”

I knew what he was getting at, and I nodded. “Well, I haven't done anything like that, either. I mean, aside from online, with you...”

Taylor smirked. “Well, you seemed to enjoy it online.”

“I did,” I replied, blushing.

“Which surprised the heck out of me, by the way. Even more after we realized, umm...”

“Yeah,” I replied with a nod. “Out of all the things you've realized about me recently, that's the one that really surprised you?”

“Well, it's not the only thing, but it is up there,” he said, laughing lightly. In a split second, his tone turned serious, his voice taking on a sexy sort of whisper. “So my baby brother likes to get abused...”

I couldn't even stop the stupid, pathetic whimper that fell from my lips. “That... that should not have turned me on, right?”

Taylor chuckled. “Which part?”

“What you just said. All of it.”

“All of it, eh?”

I nodded slowly, feeling my body growing hot. Taylor leaned closer and kissed right below my ear, then whispered, “Even the part where I reminded you that you're my baby brother?”

He licked my ear gently, and I moaned. “Surprisingly, yes.”

“Yeah, that probably shouldn't turn you on,” he replied, his teeth grazing my ear. “But then again, it probably shouldn't turn me on, either.”

I whimpered again. Taylor had a way of making the most pathetic sounds come out of my mouth. “As long as I'm not the only one.”

Taylor shook his head, then moved down to nibble on my neck. His hand fell to my thigh. “Kinky, but I won't tell if you won't...”

I shook my head, my whole body trembling. “No... it's our secret.”

“Good,” he replied, chuckling. His free hand tangled in my hair, his lips finding their way to mine.

I moaned. “Tay...”

“Yeah?” He asked, rubbing his hand up and down my leg.

I trembled, trying to find the right words for what I wanted to say. It was kind of embarrassing, and if I hadn't been smoking that day, I probably wouldn't have had the nerve to ask him at all. I still felt myself blushing when I finally asked. “Can we, umm... like we did that one time, online?”

Taylor blushed, so I knew he understood what I meant, somehow. “Oh, umm... you want to?”

I nodded slowly. “If... if you want to.”

Taylor nodded too, and I could see that he was shaking. 

I tugged on his scarf, thankful he had decided to wear one that day. But then, when wasn't he wearing a scarf? “I just thought it would be a shame not to put this to use.”

He shivered hard. “Z-zac...”

“Yeah?”

“Do that... again...” He bit his lip.

I couldn't help smirking as I tugged on his scarf again, making it tighten around his neck. He moaned, and I grinned. “You like that?”

His eyes fell closed and he nodded. “I think so...”

I gave the scarf another tug, pulling Taylor down with it so that I could kiss him. He kissed me back, and his hand on my thigh found its way to my dick, gripping it roughly. I moaned into his mouth and thrust up into his hand. Taylor bit down on my lip and once again I whimpered. “Fuck, Tay.”

He pulled back from the kiss and adjusted his scarf, pulling it even tighter. No words escaped his mouth, only a small moan, and he was still so close that I could feel it against my lips.

“Tay... I want... umm...” 

He pulled back further, smirking down at me, no doubt amused by my hesitance. “What do you want, love?”

I blushed. That word gave me only the tiniest bit more courage to ask for what I wanted. My voice barely above a whisper, I manged to stutter out, “Umm.. will you... tie me up? With your scarf? Like you did before, online.”

 

**Taylor**

A shiver ran through me as I nodded, my eyes falling almost closed. I pulled back, locking my eyes on Zac's as I slowly unwound my scarf, setting it on the coffee table. I looked him up and down, licking my lips nervously. 

"We should probably take this off first," I breathed, tugging at the hem of his shirt. I'd seen him topless countless times before, but for some reason it felt different now. He sad up a bit, pulling it off and tossing it across the room. My eyes roamed over his smooth, muscular chest, reminding me how much more masculine he was.

"God, Zac, you're so... beautiful." I reached up to touch his blushing cheek, but he shook his head.

"No, I'm not--"

"No," I cut him off, placing a finger on his lips to silence him. "None of that. I don't want to hear you say another word against yourself; that's an order." I raised an eyebrow, challenging him to defy me. I felt him tremble, his lips twitching.

"Yes... master." His words made me shiver again, our eyes burning into each other's.

"Good. Come here." I wasn't used to playing the dominant role, but if it was what he wanted, I was more than willing to please him. He moved closer, and my hands instantly went to his hair, my lips pressing against his. We moaned against each other's mouths, but when I felt his fingernails on my back, I pulled away.

"Uh-uh," I said teasingly, grabbing Zac's hands and placing them on his own knees. I was curious just how far he was willing to take the 'master' thing; I didn't want to go too far, but it was exciting me more than I'd expected.

"Stay," I said simply; he blinked, nodding in response. I looked at his neck, the taut muscles under the baby-smooth skin; I leaned closer, flicking my tongue at the fevered flesh, planting soft kisses from his jaw to his shoulder. He whimpered, and I saw his hands clenching, nails digging into his thighs. I smirked a little, suddenly sinking my teeth in, my hands gripping his hair tightly. Zac moaned loudly, his back arching; I covered his mouth with mine, biting his lip.

"God, Tay," he whispered.

"Did I ask you to speak?" My words shocked both of us; I wasn't sure where this dominance was coming from, and it both scared and excited me. "Stand up, and turn around." Zac blinked, his eyes wide, but he did as I told him. I ghosted my fingers up his back, watching the muscles flex and tighten at my touch. When my fingers reached his shoulders, I dug my nails in, dragging them down fast and hard. He moaned again, louder, and before I knew what I was doing, I brought one hand hard against his ass. We both gasped, but his was followed by another moan. I gave him another smack, a bit harder this time. 

"Quiet," I simply commanded. I heard him whimper slightly, but he made no other noise; I pulled my hand back suddenly, chuckling as he flinched and braced for impact. I stood up, wrapping my arms around him and rubbing his chest soothingly; I could feel him relaxing a bit, but not completely. He trembled as I kissed his neck, wrapping my hands around the thick muscles of his upper arms; a shaky sigh escaped his lips, turning into a hiss as I sunk my teeth into his shoulder. Zac whimpered as I bit down harder, sliding my hands down to grip his wrists tightly, but he remained silent.

"Good boy," I murmured, planting a gentle kiss on his shoulder. I felt him leaning into me, and pulled back. "Kneel." Zac obeyed without a word, letting me pull his hands behind his back. I started to wind my scarf around his wrists, hearing him moan slightly as the fabric began to bind into him. I quickly gave him another spank, and he instantly silenced himself.

"If you can't keep quiet, I might just have to gag you, too," I said teasingly. Zac couldn't catch himself fast enough after giggling at my threat; the growl I let loose surprised both of us; I pulled him up roughly by his hair, turning him to face me. His eyes were wide as he waited for his punishment; the power trip I was on was totally new to me, but I had to admit I liked it. I smirked as I slowly undid Zac's jeans, sliding both them and his boxers down his legs; he stepped out of them without me having to ask, and I smiled a bit.

"On your knees." I nudged Zac's shoulder, and he did as I told him, kneeling in front of me, biting his lip hard. I quickly stripped out of my own jeans, my fully hard dick aching for attention. Zac licked his lips in anticipation, and I smirked.

"I think you know what to do." I wound a hand in Zac's hair, gripping down to the scalp; I could tell he was fighting the urge to moan, but instead he leaned forward, sucking me into his warm mouth. I sucked in a breath as he slowly worked his way down; it felt amazing, but it wasn't enough.

"More," I growled, pulling his head onto me all at once. He whimpered, but didn't fight it as I gripped his hair with both hands, thrusting into his mouth. I felt my head hit the back of his mouth, and heard him moan quietly around me. The sound was amazing, but I had to play the part, and so after a couple more thrusts I stepped back, glaring down at him.

"You think I couldn't hear you?" My emotions were a bit torn as Zac stared up at me, his lip quivering as he struggled to speak. My protective side warned me I was pushing the edge, but I reminded myself that Zac had started this, and I would do anything Zac wanted. I tugged his hair towards the couch.

"Bend over." I watched as Zac leaned over the couch, his muscles tense, his whole body shivering. I waited for a sign that he wanted to stop, but he seemed to be enjoying it. I knelt beside him, brushing my fingers over the slightly red skin of his ass.

"If you want to call me Master, that makes you my slave, doesn't it?" My tone was slightly patronizing, like talking to a child; I didn't know where it was coming from, but Zac nodded. "What was that?" I asked, giving him a light smack.

"Y-yes Master," he choked out finally; I rewarded him with a gentle pat.

"Good. And when your Master gives you an order, you should follow it, right?"

"Yes Master," he responded again, a little more confidently. I shivered, the idea of him submitting to me causing my body to react in surprising ways.

"When you're good, you'll be rewarded," I said softly, rubbing his back. "But if you disobey me..." The hand I brought down on Zac's ass finished my sentence for me; he flinched, but remained silent, and I chuckled softly. "Good boy. Now, what do you want?"

"Just touch me... please." Zac's voice shook almost as much as his body, and I couldn't help smiling.

"You'll have to be more specific than that," I teased, my voice low and husky. My own breathing was getting harder to control, as the game we were playing got more and more serious.

"Oh god... finger me..." Zac lowered his head, and I could tell he was probably blushing hard. His words made me shiver again, but I tried to appear calm as I pulled his head back, brushing my fingers against his lips.

"Suck."

Zac complied eagerly, swirling his tongue around my digits and sucking them into his mouth. I moaned helplessly as he worked his expert mouth around me, until I couldn't take it. I pulled my hand away, leaning down and kissing him deeply. I twisted my hand in his hair tighter, pulling back to bite down on his neck as I slid my hand back, just barely teasing his entrance. I felt his hips move, seeking my touch, and I yanked his hair roughly.

"Don't. Move."

"Sorry Master," he gasped; I slid one finger inside him all the way, and he cried out, flinching as he realized his mistake. I decided to let that one go, however, holding still to see what he would do. "Please, Master," he whined after a moment.

"Please what?" I knew what he wanted, but I wanted him to beg for it. I started to pull away, stopping only when he found his voice again.

"Please... god, please move, do anything at all." Hearing him beg so helplessly sent an electric shock through me, and I shoved a second finger in, immediately finding a rhythm. I tugged on his hair, pulling harder every time he gasped and whimpered. After one particularly loud gasp, I slowed my hand, still thrusting, but at a teasing pace.

"Master," he whined, and I slowed down even more.

"Yes?"

"Please... I want more...." Curious, I pressed the tip of a third finger against Zac's hole, and he shivered hard. "Please Master."

"Since you've been so good," I said softly, slowly adding the third digit.

"Thank you Master," Zac moaned, trembling. He shook harder as I rebuilt my pace; the tightness and the heat were unlike anything I'd felt, and I was painfully hard imagining being inside him.

"What do you want, Zac?" My voice shook, and I realized too late I'd broken the rules a bit, but he didn't seem to mind.

"You... I want your... your tongue. Please," Zac whispered. I shivered hard; we'd done that online, but it was something I'd never experienced in real life.

"Is... is that right?" I hated how much my voice trembled; I was supposed to be in control, but at that moment I felt like I was at Zac's mercy. Zac nodded, and I leaned up to nibble on his ear. "Aren't you the little dirty boy?" I whispered in his ear, and he trembled, nodding again.

"Yes I am, Master." 

"Since you asked so nicely," I said quietly, swallowing hard. I slowly pulled my hand from him, kissing his shoulder, down over his back. He trembled as I kissed the small of his back, gripping his hips lightly. "You sure this is what you want?"

"Yes Master," he replied, nodding again. He sounded far more calm than I felt, but if this was what Zac wanted, I couldn't do anything but give in.

"As you wish," I whispered, gently nudging his legs further apart. I looked up, seeing his fists tightly clenched, and reached up to untie the scarf. "So you'll be a bit more comfortable." I ran my hands over Zac's ass, biting my lip. I wanted this, but I was nervous.

"Please Master," Zac sighed, and I felt my hesitance give way. I leaned forward, just barely flicking my tongue against his opening; I heard him moan softly, and pressed my tongue a bit harder, earning a louder moan. I echoed the sound as I began licking him in earnest, gripping his hips a bit tighter.

"Oh god, T- Master..." Zac whined, and I chuckled softly, my breath hitting his sensitive skin, making him gasp. Curious, I gently blew on the moist skin, and he gasped louder, shivering. I washed my tongue over his hole and blew again, and watched him grip the couch tightly, moaning. I was burning up as I pressed my tongue against him again, this time letting the tip just barely slip past the muscle.

"Oh fuck," he cursed, gripping the couch tighter; I pressed harder, moaning against him, and I felt his hips twitch.

"God, Zac," I moaned, pulling back for a moment. I went back for more, pressing more of my tongue inside him; it was unlike anything I'd ever felt, a little strange, but undeniably erotic. 

"Fuck, Taylor," Zac moaned; I pulled his hips back, pushing deeper, and moaned loudly. I started to thrust my tongue in and out, digging my nails into his hips, loving every noise I pulled from him.

"Fuck... Oh fuck, Tay... Feels so good." Zac reached down, wrapping a hand around his straining dick, stroking himself slowly. I pulled back, panting heavily.

"Zac, I want..." I tied to slow my breathing, the need almost too much.

"What, Tay?" Zac turned to look at me; I pulled him upright, looking into his eyes and taking a deep breath.

"Could you maybe... I mean, you don't have to, but..." Embarrassment painted my cheeks red as I struggled to ask for what I wanted. 

"Tay, tell me, please." Zac's voice was gentle, his eyes curious, but I had to look away.

"Do you think you could maybe... try that? On me?"

"Sure," Zac said simply, and I looked at him. He placed a soft kiss on my lips, smiling. "Now was that so hard? You can tell me what you want, too, you know." Zac's tone was equal parts loving and teasing, and I smiled shyly, my cheeks still burning.

"Yeah, I know..."

"Aw, baby," Zac said, smiling and touching my cheek. "Come on, bend over," he whispered in my ear, a lusty tone joining the teasing one.

I knelt over the couch, looking over my shoulder as Zac ran his hands over my ass; I bit my lip, shaking hard as he leaned down, placing a gentle kiss on my hip. I was nervous, but I trusted him. His kisses continued lower, as he carefully nudged my legs apart, spreading me open for him. Finally, his breathing hitching a bit, he leaned down and placed a kiss over my most sensitive spot.

"Oh God," I breathed, whimpering as I felt his tongue brush against my skin, gently at first, tracing little spiraling patterns over my trembling skin. Zac's hands gripped my hips a bit harder as he applied more pressure, the tip of his tongue slipping inside, and an almost overwhelming wave of pleasure washed over me.

"Zac," I moaned as I felt him push harder, the rest of his tongue sliding into me all at once. I cursed loudly, clawing at the couch and thrusting my hips back. Zac matched my pace, thrusting into me and moaning, sending vibrations through me. I looked over my shoulder again, our eyes locking; the sight before me was undeniably the most erotic thing I'd ever seen, Zac's eyes almost black as he fucked me with his tongue. I moaned his name again and again, biting my lip hard enough to taste blood. When I felt him twist his tongue around, my eyes rolled back and my legs shook, my hips grinding against my brother's mouth.

"Oh god Zac please..." I begged shamelessly. I needed more, needed _him_.

"Please what, baby?" Zac asked, his voice curious, but soothing. I turned to look at him, the need so powerful my eyes misted, tears threatening to fall. It was almost frightening, how all-consuming the desire was.

"Fuck me. God, Zac, please, fuck me." 

 

**Zac**

Taylor stared at me, his eyes watering, and I felt myself shiver. It wasn't like I didn't expect him to ask for that at some point, but somehow it still took me by surprise. “Tay... are you sure? Right now? I mean, I don't wanna hurt you...”

He took a breath, then replied, “Yeah, okay. You're right. Just please, get me ready...”

“Okay, baby,” I replied, laughing. “So eager.”

Taylor laughed nervously. “Your fault.”

I blushed, still having trouble believing I could really turn him on that much. I pressed two of my fingers to his lips and said, “Shut up and suck.”

Taylor pulled back and raised an eyebrow. “Taking command, are we?”

“Yeah... that felt weird to say,” I replied with a giggle. 

“Not that I would mind,” Taylor added as an afterthought, running his tongue along my fingers. He nibbled on the tips and I couldn't hold back my moan.

“God, Tay.”

“Yes... master?” He replied with a wink.

“I think I'll let you keep that title.” I laughed. The whole master and slave thing was... kind of weird. I thought I liked it, but it so new that I really wasn't sure how I felt about it yet. It was much easier to see myself as the slave, though.

“As you wish,” Taylor replied with a laugh. He sucked my fingers into his mouth, swirling his tongue around them. I let out a shiver, which only urged him to suck harder.

“Remind me to let you suck my dick once of these days...”

He raised an eyebrow. “Let me?”

“You know what I mean,” I replied. 

Taylor nodded, sucking my fingers into his mouth again. I could have sat there all night, just watching him. But if I did that, I wouldn't get to fuck him. And I really, really wanted to. So, only a little reluctantly, I pulled my fingers out of his mouth and slid them between his cheeks. I pressed one of them against his entrance, waiting for his reaction before I did more. 

He sucked in a breath and arched his back, and that was all the encouragement I needed. Biting my lip in concentration, I slipped one finger inside, a little at a time. Taylor whimpered and pushed his hips back against me. 

“Oh god, Tay...” I breathed out. I couldn't believe how sexy he looked like that. I pulled my finger back, then thrust it in again, all the way.

“Fuck!” Taylor cried out, throwing his head back, then turning to stare at me. 

“Feels good, baby?” I didn't really need to ask. The look in his eyes said it all, as did his whimper and nod.

“More...”

“Mmm, aren't you needy?” I replied with a smirk. I pulled back again, adding my second finger before thrusting into him again. 

“Oh, god...” Taylor moaned, pushing his hips back again, as though I weren't already knuckle deep in him.

“Fuck... you're so hot.”

Taylor glanced over his shoulder again and smirked in a way I supposed he thought looked seductive. And, honestly, it did. I laughed a little. “Even when you do that.”

He laughed at that, but I soon cut him off with a twist of my fingers. I didn't know how he would react to that, but just based on my own experiments, it felt pretty good. He seemed to agree, his eyes going wide and a loud moan falling from his lips.

“You like that, Tay?” I asked, twisting my fingers again.

His eyes went wider, then rolled back completely. He nodded and whined, “More...”

“Okay, baby,” I replied, my voice shaking a little. I didn't want to hurt him, but it seemed he could take it. Slowly, just to be careful, I added a third finger.

“Fuck!”

“You okay?” I asked, running my free hand up and down his back.

He nodded. “So good... don't stop.”

“I won't,” I assured him, thrusting my fingers a little faster and harder.

Taylor moaned again, rolling his hips back against my hand, meeting me thrust for thrust. 

“God, Tay,” I gasped out.

“Yeah? You like it?”

“You look so fucking hot like this...” I replied with a nod, then added, “and you feel so good... so tight.”

“Yeah, because you're the only one...” Taylor said, blushing as he trailed off.

“I am?” That took me by surprise. He had seemed so much more experienced than me, but I supposed it was easy enough to fake that online.

“I haven't... been with anyone else, in a long time.”

“Okay.” I nodded. That make more sense.

He stared back at me. “I never went as far with hi--umm, with anyone. As I've gone with you. You're the only guy I've ever...”

Taylor seemed embarrassed by everything that he was admitting, so I cut him off with another nod and said, “Okay, baby.”

He blushed, and I swear, it was the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I thrust my fingers harder, feeling like I could never get enough of the way Taylor looked and felt. “God, Tay... I wanna...”

He moaned. “What, baby?”

“God, I wanna fuck you...” I admitted. It wasn't like he didn't already know, but saying the words out loud was different.

Taylor shivered. “Please...”

“You don't have to ask me twice,” I replied, pulling my fingers out and grasping his hips.

But he did. “God, Zac... fuck me!”

I grasped my dick with one hand, shaking so badly I could barely hold onto it, and pressed it against his entrance. Even that was enough to make me feel like I might pass out. “Oh, god...”

“Zac! Fuck... please...”

Something about the way Taylor begged only turned me on more. I was powerless to refuse him. With a shudder, I thrust into him, filling him almost completely. “Oh, fuck. Taylor...”

He screamed out. “Zac!”

I gasped. “Tay.. are you okay, baby?”

His eyes were watering when he looked back at me, but he nodded. I pressed my head against his shoulder, terrified to even move. 

“Are you sure?”

He leaned his head back against mine. “Yes, love.”

That was all the reassurance I needed. With a soft moan, I began thrusting into him, slowly at first. He shook and whimpered beneath me. “Fuck, Tay. You feel so good.”

“You, too,” he replied. “So good, Zac.”

I kissed his shoulder, then grasped his hip and pulled him back against me. I needed more, more of him, more of everything I was feeling. I mumbled his name, finding it impossible to be any more coherent than that. He turned his head and locked eyes with me and I thought my heart might stop. “God, I love you.”

Taylor whimpered. “I love you, Zac.”

Oddly, that seemed to only increase my lust. I grasped his hips with both hands, pulling him back against me in time with my thrusts. He moaned. “Fuck, harder.”

I dug my fingernails into his hips, pulling out of him almost all the way, then slamming back into him as hard as I could.

“Yes!” He screamed. “Oh god, Zac. Yes...”

I pulled back again and thrust even harder, growling as I did so.

“God, that fucking growl.”

“This one?” I asked, leaning in close and growling in his ear.

He moaned loudly, his eyes rolling back and his whole body shaking. “Y-yes...”

“Fuck... Taylor...” Words had completely failed me. Taylor was absolutely _made_ for this. The boy could have been a porn star if he had wanted. But I was glad he was here with me and only me.

He was shaking so hard even his teeth chattered. “Zac... m-more...”

I growled again, rolling my hips against him with all my might. I was afraid of hurting him still, but he was begging for it, so what else could I do? I reached around and grasped his dick, stroking him with the same pace as my thrusts.

“Oh god... Zac...” He threw his head back, his eyes wide.

“Fuck... Taylor, baby. So good.”

He stared back at me, a strange spark in his eyes. Swallowing hard, he asked, “Is that... all you've got?”

My eyes went wide as I stared at him, a smirk creeping across his face. “I... umm...”

He leaned in and bit my lip, prompting me to growl. When he flicked his tongue against my lips, I dug my nails into his hips again and pulled him back against me. He moaned, but his smirk didn't falter.

I growled. “What are you smirking about?”

“I just thought someone with a growl like that... would be able to make it hurt a bit more.” He punctuated the statement by biting my lip again.

My eyes felt as wide as saucers. I couldn't seem to say anything other than, “Fuck...”

Taylor leaned his head back, pushing his hips back against me. He looked beautiful that way, but an idea occurred to me. I growled and tangled my hand in his hair, whispering in his ear, “Tay... I want you... to ride me.”

Taylor nodded, not speaking a word. I didn't really expect him to say no, though. I pulled out of him and laid down in the floor on my back, leaving the next move for him. Within seconds he had straddled me, lowering himself down onto me all at once.

“Oh god, Zac...”

“Fuck... oh fuck...” I growled, holding onto his hips. “So good...”

For a moment, Taylor only sat there, getting adjusted to the feeling, I supposed. He threw his head back. “So deep...”

I smirked. “You still want more, baby?”

Shaking, he stared down at me and licked his lips. “Y-yes, please.”

Grasping his hips firmly, I thrust up into him. There was no way it didn't hurt, but I had no doubt that he wanted it.

Taylor arched his back, his eyes wide as he cried out, “Oh, god!” 

With another growl, since I knew he liked that, I thrust up into him as hard as I could. He pawed at my chest, leaning over me a bit, eyes still wide as he moaned. Locking eyes with me, he started to meet my thrusts. I moaned, “Oh fuck, baby.”

He dug his nails into my chest and I growled again to let him know how much I liked it. His hand slipped a bit, landing on my upper chest, near my throat. I gasped, but not from fear.

Taylor's eyes widened. “Z-zac...”

I held his hand in place, silently pleading with him. Taylor shivered. 

“Zac... you want?” He asked, moving his hand up slightly, closer to my neck.

I shivered. “Yes... fuck, please, Tay.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them and stared into mine. “Tell me what you want.”

I swallowed hard. I never thought I would ask _anyone_ to do what I was about to ask him to do. But ever since he sneaked it into one of our online chats, it had nagged at my mind. I wanted to know what it was like – no, I needed to know. “Tay... choke me.”

His eyes fell closed again and he took a couple deep breaths. Finally, he opened his eyes and nodded once. Speaking slowly and clearly, he said, “I need you to tell me the instant you want me to stop.”

“I will.”

He nodded again and took a shaky breath before moving one hand up. He rested it against my throat, not applying any pressure at all. I dug my fingernails into his hips a little harder, urging him to do more. Shivering, he pressed ever so slightly on my neck, slowly beginning to rock his hips.

“Yes...” I gasped out, shivering as well.

“Zac...” he said, pressing harder on my throat.

I moaned. “God, yes, Tay.”

He moaned as well, finally beginning to ride me again, and applying more pressure against my neck. It felt like nothing else I had ever experienced, but so had _everything_ I did with Taylor. My vision blurred a little and I felt like I was floating and falling at the same time.

“You okay, baby?”

“Yes,” I gasped out. “Feels so good, Tay.”

Taylor picked up his speed, riding me hard. “Oh god, baby.”

I cried out as he dug his fingernails into my neck. He begged for me to fuck him harder, and I complied, thrusting up into him as hard as I could. I heard myself panting and whimpering and didn't even care how pathetic I sounded.

Taylor moaned and screamed my name. “Fuck, Zac... touch me...”

I wrapped my hand around his cock, stroking him hard and fast. He was screaming and absolutely pounding onto me, so hard I thought he might bruise both of us. He wrapped a second hand around my throat, squeezing hard enough that I saw a few stars, but I didn't mind. “Fuck, Zac.... yes, fuck me, please...”

It was that one little word – _please_ – that pushed me over the edge. I cried out, “Oh god... fuck. Tay, I'm...”

“Yes... come for me, baby... me too...”

I thrust up into Taylor as hard as I could, crying out his name as I filled him up. “Tay... Oh god, Tay...”

“Oh fuck, Zac,” he cried, locking eyes with me. “Love you.”

With those two little words, he shot his load all over my hand. I still couldn't get over how beautiful he looked above me like that, especially in the midst of his orgasm.

“Love you so much, Tay,” I said, panting. Once he was done, I pulled my hand up to my mouth and licked it clean, moaning in surprise and pleasure at the taste. 

He collapsed onto top of me, tears welling up in his eyes. 

“Tay, that was...” I panted, unable to find a word to adequately complete the sentence.

He stared into my eyes and nodded. “I know, love.”

“And I was... your first?”

Taylor nodded, biting his lip.

“I just thought... nevermind.”

“What?” he asked, staring at me through misty eyes.

“I guess I thought you were a lot more experienced that that,” I admitted.

Taylor blushes. “Umm, no... I mean, I messed around a little, but not... not that.”

My eyes widened even more. Even though he had said as much, it still surprised me. “You just... gave a different impression online.”

“Well, that's... that's online.”

“Yeah,” I replied. “I liked you all confident like that, though. Not that the constant blushing isn't fucking adorable, too.”

Taylor chuckled. “Umm, I'm sorry?”

“You don't have to apologize. I love you no matter what. Any way you are.”

“I know,” he replied. “I'm sorry that I'm not... I mean, I know I'm your first, so I'm guess I'm sorry that... umm...”

He blushed, and I waited for him to finish. When he didn't, I asked, “What?”

“I wish I could have, umm... waited, I guess.”

“Because you knew someday I was gonna realize I was gay and fall in love with you?” I asked with a laugh. “I can see how you'd wanna be prepared for that.”

Taylor laughed nervously. “Umm, I guess, yeah...”

“Tay, I wouldn't care if you'd been with a hundred men. Okay, maybe I'd care a little bit. Because... damn.”

He rolled his eyes and laughed, then cleared his throat. “Zac... umm, actually...”

“What is it?” I asked, and he sighed. “Tay...”

“There was actually only... one other.”

“Okay,” I replied, not sure what else he wanted me to say. 

He kissed me and said, “But you're all that matters now.”

“It feels like there's more you wanna say,” I replied. 

“Well, I don't know,” he said. “You don't want to hear about it.”

I gave him a serious look, letting him know I meant business. “But... you wanna talk about it. Don't you? No secrets, Tay.”

He eyed me nervously for a second, then touched my cheek. “You know I love you, right? Anything that was in the past, stays in the past.”

“I know, baby,” I replied.

Taylor heaved a sigh and closed his eyes. “Alex.”

“Oh,” I said. Even though I heard the name, it took me a second to realize just who and what he meant. My eyes went wide. “ _Oh._ ”

Taylor glanced away. I thought back to the last time we had seen Alex Greenwald at some festival last fall. There did seem to be something strange going on between the two of them, but at the time, I hadn't known what it was or even cared enough to give it much thought. Still, I had always gotten this strange vibe from Alex.

“I feel like I probably should have realized that sooner,” I admitted.

Even though his head was still turned away from me, I could see that he had closed his eyes, like he was trying to hide from me. “It wasn't much.”

I touched his cheek. “You're not acting like it wasn't much.”

He took a shaky breath and opened his eyes, but still not meeting mine. “We were... are... just friends. It was just a... a thing. It didn't mean anything.”

“Tay, you can tell me if... if it did mean something,” I said. I hated that he was obviously trying to hide his feelings from me. He blinked back a tear and I added, “I'm not gonna get all jealous. I promise.”

Finally, he turned to face me, giving me a sad smile but not speaking.

“Unless you tell me he broke your heart, because then I may be forced to rip his balls off.”

Taylor's eyes widened and he laughed nervously, then looked away again. I knew he knew that I was serious, and he didn't want to give me a reason to let my anger loose. He knew what I was like when I was angry. “Umm, of course not...”

“I'm kidding. Mostly,” I said, trying to sooth his worries a bit. The truth was, though, that I could already feel my angry bubbling up even at the vague notion that Alex had hurt my brother.

“We, umm,” he began. “Well, you know me and him have been friends for a while.”

“Yeah, since we were working on Underneath,” I replied, remembering well the parties Taylor used to go to in LA while we were out there, struggling to get the album recorded.

He turned to look at me. “I wasn't in love. I need you to know that. It never got that far.” 

“Okay.”

“We would hang out, mess around a bit... no strings,” Taylor said, biting his lip. “That's what he kept reminding me of. ”

“Oh.” I could say nothing more than that. What Taylor wasn't saying, or was trying really hard not to say, was obvious, and it only made me angrier.

“So, like I said. It meant... nothing.”

“To him,” I added.

Taylor looked away again, but nodded.

“But what about you?”

He shrugged. “I really don't know. I never let myself think about it much, you know?”

“I guess...” I didn't really understand that at all, or buy it. Of course Taylor had thought about it, and probably way too much for his own good.

He took a deep breath. “I cared about him, a lot. But I don't think I gave myself the chance to let it get too far. Or, he didn't. Either way.”

I rubbed Taylor's back, almost as much to sooth my own anger as to make him feel better. I didn't want him to see how upset I was; he would probably think I was mad at him, and I really wasn't. 

“But, like I said, it doesn't matter anymore,” he said, touching my cheek, then gently kissing my lips. 

“Okay, baby,” I replied, returning his kiss.

“I love you, Zac Hanson,” he whispered against my lips.

“I love you, Taylor Hanson,” I echoed.

With a soft smile, he pulled me in for another kiss. I knew he was still hurt by everything that had happened with Alex, but his smile was genuine. He would be okay. _We_ would be okay, together.


	2. Chapter 2

**Zac**

A few days later, I found myself standing nervously on the doorstep outside Taylor's house. He decided it would be a good idea for us to have an actual date. Obviously we couldn't go out in public together for a date, but he had the bright idea to cook dinner for me at his house while Natalie was gone for the night, spending some time with her mom. 

So there I was, feeling like a total idiot as I rang the doorbell and waited for him to answer. Since it was a date, I even dressed up a little – a nice pair of jeans, t-shirt actually tucked in for once, and a black button-up shirt over top of that. I tugged nervously at my collar as I waited for Taylor. I was certain I looked like an idiot. Finally, he opened the door and gave me a wide grin.

“Hey, Zac!” He pulled me in for a hug, then glanced around for a second. Evidently deciding it was safe to do so, he gave me a quick kiss, then pulled me inside the house.

I smiled and blushed at his enthusiastic greeting. “Hey, Taylor.”

He lead me into the kitchen, where I could see that he had been busy cooking. “Hungry?”

“Always,” I replied with a laugh. 

I watched Taylor pull a few steaks off the broiler and spoon some mashed potatoes into a bowl. “Well, just help yourself. Just gotta finish the veggies.”

“You didn't have to go to so much trouble, Tay,” I replied, piling a plate full of the steak and potatoes and making my way to the table. 

Taylor followed me, giving me a shrug as he sat a plate of steamed vegetables down on the table in front of me. “It's no trouble.”

It might not have seemed like any trouble to him, but to me, it most definitely was. I couldn't cook at all, and Taylor knew that. I was pretty sure he planned this date just so that he could show off how much more domestically talented he was. I didn't mind, though, as long as I got a delicious dinner. And this was most definitely delicious. I had been nervous about this date, so having a great meal to eat gave me a good excuse not to talk very much.

“How is it?” Taylor asked, eating much more slowly and giving me a little smile. “Steak done right?”

“It's great. But you know you're a great cook.”

He smiled and shrugged. “You look really nice, Zac.”

I blushed and gave him a dorky smile. “Thanks, I showered.”

Taylor laughed. “For me? Aww...”

“Maybe,” I replied.

Taylor's eyes sparkled as he smiled at me again. I didn't know what else to say, so I just gave him another smile, then dug into my steak again. He laughed. “You're such a carnivore, Zac.”

“I know you're not complaining,” I replied, causing him to blush and look away. “I just love your meat.”

Taylor groaned and rolled his eyes. Even though he covered his face with one hand, I could still see his smile. After a moment, he lowered his hand and stared at me. “Really?”

I giggled. “Do you really have to ask?”

He chuckled. “Just eat your food.”

“Yes, master,” I replied with a grin.

Taylor laughed and shook his head, then stuck his tongue out. “Brat.”

“Maybe,” I replied with a shrug.

We didn't talk much for the rest of the meal. I still felt really awkward about the whole thing; I hadn't been on a real date in years, and not only was this a date, it was a date with a _man_. And my brother. I felt awkward and unprepared and totally inadequate.

If Taylor noticed how nervous I was, he didn't say anything about it. Once we had finished eating, he grabbed my empty plate without a word. I sighed happily and leaned back in my chair, feeling absolutely stuffed. Taylor gave me a smile before walking over to the sink with the dishes. With his back to me, he said, “I thought maybe we could watch a movie or something, if you want.”

“Sure... sounds great.”

He rinsed the plates off and stuck them in the dishwasher, then stepped back over to the table. He leaned down a bit to wrap his arms around my shoulders and said, “Hey.”

“Yeah?”

Instead of replying, he just leaned over my shoulder and kissed me gently. After a moment, he pulled back and gave me a smile. “Shall we?”

“Sure,” I said, returning his smile and standing up.

He took my hand and lead me into the living room, taking a seat on the couch. I sat down next to him, just close enough that our bodies were touching. Once we were both seated, he glanced at me and said, “You're awfully quiet... everything okay?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “I'm fine. It's nothing.”

Taylor tilted his head. “Okay, when someone says it's nothing, it's something. Spill.”

I sighed. So he had noticed my nervousness. Great.

He pouted, concern written all over his face. “Baby... talk to me.”

“Oh, that's not even fair,” I said, causing him to smirk. “Pouting, calling me baby... manipulative bastard.”

Taylor chuckled. “Is it working?”

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair. “Yeah...”

His face turned serious again, one hand reaching out to touch my cheek. As much as I still didn't want to talk, I couldn't refuse him when he was looking at me like that.

“It's just... you know, the whole name thing?”

“Yeah?”

“I know I said it was okay, but... it's really not. It's still kinda bugging me.”

Taylor pulled back a bit. “Zac, talk to me. Tell me how to make it right.”

“You're not _not_ making it right. I'm just being... dumb. Insecure.” I mumbled the last word, embarrassed to even admit it.

He bit his lip and touched my arm. “You're not dumb.”

“I kinda am.” 

Taylor sighed. “Zac...”

I took a deep breath and tried to find the right words. I knew I would probably still mess it up, but I had to at least try to say what I was feeling, because I knew Taylor wouldn't leave me alone until I did. “It's just... when you wouldn't call me by my real name, it made me feel like... like you didn't really wanna be with me.”

Taylor gasped softly.

“And I mean, you shouldn't. You shouldn't want to be with me.”

“Hey. Stop.” He grabbed my face and forced me to look at him. 

I pouted, but he wouldn't relent. With sad eyes, he pulled me in for a deep kiss. I sighed, but I couldn't resist kissing him back. Once he decided he'd made his point with the kiss, he pulled back and leaned his head against mine, staring intently at me. 

“Now listen. I don't care what I should or shouldn't want. I want you. Only you. I don't know how to make you believe me, Zac. If you want me to only call you by your name, I will. Please. Help me fix this.”

“I know you want me,” I replied. “I do know that. It just hasn't gotten through my stupid thick skull yet.”

Taylor laughed softly. “Zac...”

“It just felt like... like it was still a game, you know? Because you wouldn't say my name. And then – not that I didn't love it last time. I really did. But...”

“But...?”

“Well, you still had me calling you something other than your name,” I said with a pout. “I know, I'm being dumb again.”

Taylor pulled back and looked at me in confusion. “But, Zac, you started the master thing. I only went along with it because I thought you wanted to.”

“I know,” I replied. “I told you I was dumb.”

He heaved a frustrated sigh, then knocked on the side of my head. “You. Are. Not. Dumb!”

I pouted. “Okay, just because I like it rough doesn't mean you have to beat me up.”

He laughed, then kissed the top of my head. “I'm sorry, ba--Zac.”

“You can call me baby.” I immediately regretted saying that, because it only caused him to sigh again.

“You know, you're kind of giving me mixed signals here,” he said with a smirk.

I laughed. “I'm sorry.”

Taylor leaned over and kissed the tip of my nose. “I will call you anything you want to be called.”

I couldn't help giggling at the kiss. It was the silliest, most adorable thing, and it was so perfectly Taylor. 

“But no matter what I call you, it's still you. And I wouldn't have it any other way.”

“I know,” I replied, slowly beginning to smile again. “And I know I'm being stu--irrational right now.”

“Nice save,” he said with a smirk. “I love you so much, Zachary Walker Hanson.”

“I love you too, Jordan Taylor Hanson.”

He gave me a quick kiss, then said, “In all honesty, I don't know how I feel about the whole 'master' thing, anyway. I mean, it was fun, and you're definitely sexy as fuck when you beg... but, well...”

The way he blushed made me blush as well. I gave him a nudge. “What?”

“I'mmoreofasub,” he mumbled.

“More of a what?” I said, replaying his mumbled words in my head. When their meaning dawned on me, I blushed deeper. “Oh.”

He looked away, smiling shyly and nodding. “But, if it makes you happy...”

Taylor was always so selfless. I loved and hated it at the same time. It came so naturally to him, but not to me. But for him, I wanted to try. “Well, maybe... maybe we can just take it easy on that kind of stuff for a while. Just to give me time to pull my head out of my ass.”

Taylor laughed and wrapped an arm around my shoulders. With a smirk, he said, “You really surprised me, you know.”

“Surprised you? How?”

He leaned in closer and whispered in my ear. “Something about my baby brother liking to get choked...”

I blushed, and he nipped at my ear. “I didn't even know I liked that, until you.”

Taylor bit his lip and smirked. “Me either.”

“Thank you,” I said with a sigh, “for not nothing I'm dumb.”

“Don't worry,” he replied, kissing my forehead. “We all know I'm the blonde one.”

I laughed, and Taylor shot me another wink. “I just get so insecure, and it _is_ dumb. And I didn't say _I_ was dumb, so don't even say it.”

He shut his mouth quickly and I grinned; I had anticipated that one. With a serious look, he said, “But I want to know why you feel that way. You know everyone loves you. You're insanely talented. So... why?”

I sighed. I really didn't want to go there, but I knew we had to. “We kinda talked about this, didn't we? About... how Kate treats me.”

Taylor growled. I would have found it sexy if it weren't for the context. I stared blankly at him for a second, until he said, “I hadn't... put that together.” 

“Yep, you're still the blonde one,” I said, trying to laugh it off in the hopes that Taylor would as well.

He didn't. Instead, he gave me a dark smirk and then the look I had long ago taken to calling his bitch face. It was funny, if you weren't the person who earned it. I stared at him, eyes wide, and his glare only grew more intense. “If she ever, I mean ever, gets on your case again... you tell me. Got it? No one treats you like that. No one.”

“If I did that, we'd never have time to talk about anything else.” I still tried to laugh it off, but my laugh was a lot more nervous that time.

Taylor's eyes went sad all of a sudden, his previous rage and intensity nowhere to be found. “Is... is it really that bad?”

“Well, considering she apparently told the whole world how much I suck in bed...”

Taylor shook his head. “Just Nat... I think.”

“That's enough,” I replied. “Clearly Nat didn't keep her mouth shut about it. I mean, I'm not mad that you know, especially since I kinda told you first.”

Taylor gave a sad sigh and began rubbing my back.

“It's not just the Kate thing, though. I mean, I think I'd be insecure anyway.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “Well, I don't know if you've noticed, but my big brother is kinda perfect. And we both know I'm not talking about Isaac.” 

Taylor blushed deeply. “I'm not... I mean...”

“Yeah, you kinda are.”

He shook his head. “No, I'm really not, Zac.”

“Well, to me you are.”

He smiled shyly. “And to me, _you_ are. You've got such beautiful eyes, and a smile that can light up a room... and you're so talented. I could never be as talented as you.”

I laughed. He couldn't really mean that, could he? “Tay, seriously? You are so much more talented than me.”

He shook his head. “Am not.”

“Are too.”

He smirked. “Nuh-uh.”

Clearly we were just going in circles. I tried to think of a way to get us out of that cycle, and my brain dredged up a random snippet of one of our online conversations. Tilting my head to the side, I said, “Hey... I just had a thought.”

“Did it hurt?” He chuckled. I pouted, which only made him laugh more. “Aww, I'm sorry, baby.”

“Seriously, Tay. Remember when we talked about Across the Universe?”

He seemed to get lost in thought for a moment. “Yeah?”

“And we were talking about Oh Darlin...”

Taylor's eyes widened and his cheeks turned red. “Y-yeah?”

“And you mentioned a cover of it that you really liked. Did you mean...?”

He gave me that shy smile again. “Umm, I don't remember. What song were we talking about?”

“You heard me.” I poked him in the inside, prompting him to giggle. “I mean, I know I'm pretty awesome at that song. I just didn't realize you'd noticed.”

Taylor gave me a genuine smile. “Of course I noticed. Zac, you kill that song. So amazing.”

“That...” I stuttered and blushed. “That means a lot to me.”

“I love all your songs, really. Your voice... it's so much better than mine.”

I rolled my eyes. “Okay, now you're starting to sound like a fangirl. Which is really cute, but you're so wrong.”

He chuckled. “I mean it. Your voice... there's a depth to it, and you're so versatile. And your range... meanwhile, I'm stuck sounding like a high school girl.”

“Okay, I know I've called you the chick in Hanson before, but I didn't really mean it. You have a great voice.”

Taylor rolled his eyes. “It's good for some songs, but you can do so much more. You pull off ballads and rock songs just as good.”

“Like you don't? God you might actually be more insecure than me, if that's even possible.” I thought we could go in circles like that all night. I gave him a serious look and said, “This might sound weird, but I have always, like... wanted to be you. I mean, I always looked up to you, you know? Wished I could be more like you.”

Taylor blinked. “You... what?”

“Well, yeah,” I said with a shrug. “I mean, you're my big brother, you know? And then we got famous and you were everyone's favorite. I was just the goofy little one.”

His face turned serious, almost sad. “You make people happy, Zac. That's a gift.”

I shrugged. It wasn't a gift; it was a defense mechanism.

“And what about your art?”

“It's alright.”

“Alright?” He echoed, staring blankly at me. “Zac, stick figures are alright. Your stuff is amazing.”

“If you say so,” I replied, giving him a smile.

“I do,” he said, leaning in close.

I couldn't help trembling a little, both at his closeness and his intensity and honesty. “Tay... that really means a lot to me.”

He touched my cheek. “Well, you really mean a lot to me.”

“And you know you mean a lot to me too,” I said. I lowered my voice, trying not to show how close I was to crying. “I mean, I love you. I really do.”

He echoed my soft tone of voice. “I love you.”

“And I know you do. It's just hard for me to believe I deserve it, I guess. I know, I'm being dumb again.”

He smiled. “I forgive you.”

“Thanks?” I said with a slight laugh.

“Just don't do it again.” He smirked.

“Me? Not be dumb again? That would take a miracle.”

He rolled his eyes, but didn't say anything. Instead, he leaned in and kissed me, probably more to shut me up than for any other reason. It worked, at least for the moment.

 

**Taylor**

I let out a sigh; I wished Zac could just see how amazing he was. If there was one of us who was undeserving, it certainly wasn't him. I was the inadequate one, flawed and jaded, far from the idol so many expected me to be. But for Zac, I would try.

"What?" Zac asked curiously, a slightly concerned pout on his lips.

"Nothing," I reassured him. "Happy. Happier than I've been in... in a long time," I finished quietly. I didn't want to think about the past, not now. But Zac frowned, and I just knew he wouldn't let my comment go without explanation.

"You know, I wanna be glad that it's because of me, but I hate that you weren't happy and I didn't know." The concern in his voice made me smile sadly, but I shook my head.

"Not your fault. I made sure no one knew." I regretted my words as soon as they left my lips, and I immediately tried to backpedal. "I mean, it wasn't that big a deal." I tried to smile, but Zac saw right through it, poking me.

"Hey. Don't lie to me. You suck at lying," Zac added as I opened my mouth to protest.

"I'm not lying... exactly."

"Your just not telling the truth?"

"Not telling unnecessary bits. It's different," I corrected.

"No it's not," Zac fired back. I leaned over, trying to distract him with a kiss, but he pulled back, eyeing me.

"Tay. I told you what I was upset about; now talk to me." Zac stared me down unwaveringly, and I sighed heavily, changing tactics.

"I'm not upset though, not anymore."

"I still don't believe you," Zac sighed, frowning. "Is this about..." I looked away, biting my lip; I hated how transparent I apparently was.

"Zac," I quietly begged. "Really. It's nothing."

"It's not nothing," Zac pushed. I wished he would drop it; we were having a wonderful night, and the last thing I wanted to do was bring the mood down by talking about... my past.

"You really want to know?" I asked him, my tone a bit sarcastic.

"Honestly? Probably not. But it's bothering you, so I want you to talk to me." I could tell from his tone, and the look in his eyes, that he wasn't going to quit. With a heavy sigh, I chewed on my lip, running a hand through my hair. I really didn't want to get into this, but maybe it would help.

"Fine. You remember V-Fest last year?" 

"He... he was there," Zac said, nodding slowly. "I remember."

"Yeah," I said simply; memories were already starting to flood my mind, clear and vivid and bittersweet.

"Oh," Zac said quietly, looking down; I wondered what he was thinking, but part of me wasn't sure I wanted to know.

"Um, anyway, we were... hanging out..." I cleared my throat nervously before continuing. "And we started talking." I wanted to stop, to hold Zac and kiss him and never think about Alex again. But now that I'd started reliving it, I had to get through it. I watched Zac bite his lip, and felt my own lip shake as the feelings of that particular conversation echoed in my ears, every word as cutting as when it had been uttered.

"The short version is, I kind of stupidly let slip how much I cared. Open mouth, insert foot; must run in the family." I smirked, and Zac laughed softly. His laugh eased the pain somewhat, and gave me the courage to get through the last part. I took a heaving breath before finishing.

"Well what it boils down to, is that he made it very clear that it was one-sided. 'Fun is fun Tay. Leave it at that or leave it alone.'"

"Oh, Tay..." Zac pulled me into his arms, but I resisted at first, not wanting his pity.

"It's fine, really. It's no... no big..." My voice was shaking too much for me to go on; I couldn't lie anymore, not to Zac.

"Jordan Taylor Hanson, don't you lie to me." I looked at Zac, my eyes starting to water. I realized I didn't _have_ to lie anymore. 

"You really... care about him, don't you?" Zac asked softly. I closed my eyes, hesitating, before giving a tiny nod.

"I mean, I did... God, I just feel so stupid."

"Taylor," Zac said softly. "You're not stupid. You can't help how you feel."

"I just felt so used." I shivered a bit, and Zac began rubbing my back soothingly.

"I'm so sorry, baby."

I sniffed, and looked up at Zac. I was reminded how beautiful he was, and just how good it felt to love someone who actually loved me back. So Alex Greenwald didn't care about me, so what? Who was he, besides a washed-up strung-out ex-fuck-buddy? Zac was my _boyfriend_. I smiled, only a little sadly, and reached out to touch Zac's cheek.

"It worked out, though. Because now I have you. And you're ten times the man he is." I smiled sweetly at Zac, but he burst out laughing.

"He's that small, huh?" It took a moment for Zac's meaning to hit me, but when it did I laughed hard, scrunching my nose.

"Oh my god Zac..."

"I'm kidding. Don't... I don't really want to know." Zac blushed a bit, and I matched him, smiling.

"You're bigger," I said with a wink, making Zac blush harder. I pulled him in for a kiss, smiling as I pulled back. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For making me talk about it. I hadn't told anyone about it; never even said it aloud. God, he really is an asshole," I realized.

"I never really liked him," Zac said, nodding. "I didn't know why; he just gave me a bad feeling. He is kinda pretty though," Zac added, frowning. 

"You're prettier," I replied, pouting a bit, then giggling at calling my brother 'pretty'. Zac blushed, smiling shyly.

"If you say so," Zac muttered; I responded by softly kissing him.

"I do," I whispered against his lips. My own words echoed in my mind, their typical context making me blush. "Um..."

"What?"

"Um, nothing..." I blushed a bit harder, laughing at myself and kissing Zac's nose.

"Okay... But you know, Alex better hope I never run into him," Zac practically growled, his face serious.

"Same for Kate," I muttered, my face just as serious. Zac blushed, giggling nervously, and I tried to laugh it off. I didn't want Zac to know how much I hated her for what she did to him, but the truth was that when it came to Kate, I'd never trusted her. I never knew how bad it was, but I always had a feeling she didn't treat him the way he deserved. But knowing just how far her abuse went, my mind raced with uncharacteristically violent thoughts.

"But I mean it," Zac said, his face regaining its somber expression. "I will rip Alex's tiny dick off and beat him with it." It took a moment, but the grave expression gave way to laughter that I quickly echoed, albeit a bit nervously. 

"Okay, I'm not that violent," Zac reassured me, although I would have begged to differ. "But he still better watch out."

"Right," I answered, nodding slowly. "Well I doubt you need to worry about that. Not planning on seeing him anytime soon... or ever."

"Good. And you know you don't really have to worry about Kate, right?" I must have growled, because Zac giggled, blushing a bit. "Although not gonna lie, the thought of you two... chick fight..." Zac dissolved into a fit of giggles again, and I couldn't help smiling.

"Oh she wouldn't know what hit her," I answered with a sneer. "Trust me, I can get... creative." I smirked, dark thoughts whispering at my mind. I wasn't used to being so protective, but I couldn't stand the thought of anyone causing Zac pain. 

"Tay," he said slowly, his eyes going wide.

"Don't worry. I wouldn't get caught." I winked at him, and his eyes went wider.

"I'm just going to assume you're kidding," Zac said, laughing nervously. I smiled innocently, and he seemed to relax. "You are cute when you're all jealous and possessive, though."

"Yeah?" I felt my cheeks turning a bit pink, and Zac nodded.

"Then again, you're always cute. You are," he added when I rolled my eyes at him. No matter how many times people called me that, I could never bring myself to believe it.

"Don't start that again."

"Start what again?"

"I'm not that cute, really." I knew how red my cheeks probably were, but I couldn't help smiling. 

"Yes. You. Are," Zac insisted. I sighed heavily, then turned to him, smirking.

"Like what? Like, what about me is cute?" I wasn't the type to dig for compliments, but I was curious just what it was Zac saw.

"Well, there's the way you always blush."

"Okay, what else?" I leaned back, smirking more.

"Well... Those little wrinkles around your eyes, especially when you smile. And also, your smile." 

"My wrinkles?" I grimaced; over the past few years, age had started to catch up with me; I no longer had the boyish features I'd managed to keep for so long.

"Yeah," Zac replied with a shrug, as if it were completely normal.

"Okay, you're weird."

"You're fucking your brother. Pot, kettle." Zac grinned, and I laughed hard.

"Yeah, I guess. Anything else?"

"Your pout."

"Oh, you mean this one?" I flashed Zac one of my typical expressions I often used in photoshoots. Zac whimpered a bit, nodding.

"Yes, that one."

"Or this one?" I gave Zac another look, similar but slightly different.

"That one too. And that thing you do when you run your hand through your hair." I performed said motion, smirking, and Zac blushed a bit.

"You've practiced those, haven't you?"

"Of course not," I said innocently, smirking more.

"I bet you stand in front of the mirror and pout at yourself for hours."

"Of course not... That would be... silly." I felt my cheeks burning; it'd been a while, but I did remember times, early in our career, where I would practice certain poses and expressions. But I didn't need Zac to know that.

"You totally do!" Zac laughed, and I blushed harder. "Don't even try to claim you're not silly. Which is also cute."

"Then you're freaking adorable," I chuckled.

"Tell me something I don't already know," Zac fired back, smiling.

"So modest."

"I'm not nearly as adorable as you, trust me."

"Okay, okay, if you say so," I replied, winking at Zac.

"Okay. That's another thing on the list. Those fucking winks. Cheesy, but cute."

"Too cheesy for you?"

"I'm not sure that's possible."

"Good." I grinned at Zac, who returned my smile. I knew I tended to be a little sappy, but I was glad he appreciated it.

"You realize I could keep this up for hours, right? Just listing everything awesome about you."

"Okay," I sighed, rolling my eyes and smirking. "I think my ego has been stroked enough for today."

"If you say so," Zac giggled; I leaned closer, kissing his cheek. 

"Now it's my turn."

"Sounds good to me," Zac said, smiling.

"Where to start..."

"Well there's my fantastic body." Zac smirked, and I looked him up and down.

"Indeed."

"...I was kidding."

"I'm not." I ran a finger down the center of his chest, my eyes lingering over his broad shoulders, his wide chest, his strong arms. "Your arms."

" _Your_ arms," he shot back.

"Nope," I replied, shaking my head. "You've got me beat."

"If you say so," Zac said, shrugging. I was starting to get tired of him saying that all the time, as his passive way of disagreeing. It was cute, but I wished he would just believe me when I told him how attractive I found him. My eyes continued down his body, and I smiled.

"Okay, don't take this the wrong way, but..." I trailed my finger further down Zac's chest as he stared blankly at me, waiting for me to finish. My hand settled over his stomach, and I blushed a little. "Your little pudgy belly. It's cute," I added when I saw Zac's frown.

"It's pudgy."

"Yes, and pudgy is cute."

"You are so weird."

"This coming from the guy who says my crow's feet are cute?" I asked, pulling back.

"That's different," Zac said, pouting. I smirked, looking at him.

"How?"

"Shut up, it just is." Zac pouted more, crossing his arms over his stomach.

"Hey now." I tried to pull Zac's arms away; he huffed, but eventually relented. I leaned down, staring up at him as I kissed his stomach. "It's adorable. I love it."

"Okay," Zac sighed, blushing. I sat up, but kept my hand on his stomach, my fingers just barely going under his shirt.

"On a related note, your, um..." I felt myself blush a little, as I brushed my fingers through the little patch of hair just below his navel.

"My happy trail?" Zac asked incredulously. All I could do was blush and nod. "You are so weirder than me."

"What?" I asked, smiling innocently. "I think it's sexy."

"Okay, I guess." Zac laughed a bit. "I mean, it's not as weird as the belly thing."

"Your smile. And the fact that you have different ones."

"Well, unlike you, I don't practice them." Zac smiled at me, one of his more sincere smiles.

"Just naturally talented, then?"

"Not just at smiling," Zac answered, his lips curling into an impish smirk.

"I'm aware of that," I replied, giggling.

"You're not so bad either," Zac said, nudging me; I felt myself blush, and giggled again. "Your laugh is cute, too, by the way."

"Well so is yours. And your..." I bit my lip, smiling shyly.

"My what? Go on, say it," Zac urged, poking me in the side.

"Your hair. I've always been kind of jealous."

"Why?" Zac asked, seeming honestly shocked.

"Well, your hair always looks good. You can cut it, grow it out, let it get sweaty or grungy, tie it back, leave it down... It always looks great. And I love the color it became."

"If you say so," Zac laughed.

"You say that a lot, you know."

"Because I don't really believe you, but I'm going to let you get away with saying it anyway."

"Zac," I sighed.

"I just don't see myself the way you do," he explained. "It's no big deal."

"I just wish you could see all the good I see in you," I said softly. 

"You don't see what I see in you either," Zac replied, shrugging.

"I guess not."

"So don't get on my case for it," Zac chuckled, poking me again and making me giggle.

"Fine. Well, we could watch a movie as planned, or..." I smirked at Zac; if I wanted to convince him how attracted to him I was, maybe I needed to just prove it.

"Or?" Zac smiled innocently, but I didn't buy it. I leaned over, planting a gentle kiss to his jawline, just below his ear. I heard him whimper, felt him shiver under my touch.

"Why don't we go upstairs?" I whispered in his ear.

"To your bedroom?" The slight surprise and shyness to Zac's tone was adorable, and I felt myself blushing as I nodded. "Okay."

I pulled Zac to his feet, wrapping my arms around him and kissing him. As I thought back to the few times we'd been together so far, it occurred to me that things had been fairly rough. And as new to this as Zac was, that didn't sit well with me. I pulled back to look at him, pouting a bit.

"Zac. I haven't been very... romantic. You deserve that."

"Romantic? Aw, Tay..." Zac blushed, but his tone was teasing.

"I'm serious," I insisted, running a hand through his hair. "You deserve... better. Tenderness."

"You're too good to me," Zac sighed contentedly, and I smiled.

"The kinky stuff is fun, but I want to share more than that with you." It was true; I wanted to share _everything_ with him. I wanted to show him how good it could be, the emotional connection making the physical one ten times as strong. I loved him so much it hurt, but I needed to show him that it didn't have to be that way. He deserved so much better than me, but all I could do was offer him all I had to give. Love.


	3. Chapter 3

**Zac**

“I want that, too,” I replied honestly. I had never really gotten romance before. I mean, I supposed I tried for it with Kate, but something always felt a little... off. After a while, it just became routine, something we did because we were supposed to or because we were angry. And so far with Taylor, it had been lust-driven. But I was more than willing to give real romance a try.

Taylor nodded and took my hand. “And tonight, whatever you want, that's what you get.”

Hand in hand, we walked upstairs to his bedroom. Taylor closed the door behind us, and I finally found my voice again. “Whatever I want..?”

“You deserve it, Zac,” he replied, nodding. “I want to show you I would do anything for you. Anything.”

The seriousness in his voice unnerved me a bit. I could feel myself blushing, but I forced myself to be brave. I took a few steps closer to him. My voice soft, I said, “I want... umm, I want you to make love to me.”

Taylor shivered, the nodded. “Anything for you, Zac.”

He cupped my face in his hands, brushing his lips against mine. A soft moan escaped from my mouth and I wrapped my arms tightly around Taylor. Too soon, he pulled away and gave me a smile.

“Lay down.”

I complied, not even looking over my shoulder as I backed toward the bed and laid down, staring straight at Taylor the entire time. He walked to the dresser and pulled out a few candles. Placing them on the nightstand, he pulled a box of matches from that drawer and lit the candles. It seemed a bit cheesy, but I shouldn't have been surprised. Still, I stifled a giggle as I watched him. Taylor glanced at me, and I struggled to keep from laughing. 

“No, it's sweet. Really,” I finally managed to say.

He gave me an innocent smile, then dimmed the lights and laid down next to me. I couldn't resist the the urge to scoot closer; it seemed it just wasn't possible for me to get enough of him. 

“I like this... the candles and everything,” I admitted.

Taylor gave me a little smirk. “Not too cheesy?”

“Not at all,” I said, and it wasn't totally a lie. It was cheesy, but I liked it. No one had ever done anything like that for me before. With a small giggle, I added, “I mean, if you pull out the rose petals, that might be overdoing it a little.”

He laughed lightly. “Fresh out, sorry. Maybe for our anniversary.”

That word – anniversary – made my heart flutter a little. Taylor didn't seem to notice, though. He laced his fingers through mine, then brought my hand up to his lips and kissed each fingertip. With each kiss, he stared straight into my eyes. I kept my eyes locked on his as he kissed my palm and my wrist, right over the pulse point. It wasn't a sexual sort of move at all, but it still made a tiny moan fall from my mouth.

Taylor smiled, then placed my hand over his heart. “Yours. Completely.”

I could do no more than smile and nod. Maybe Taylor was expecting more of a reply than that, because he bit his lip a little as he reached up to run a hand through my hair. I struggled to find any words at all, but all I could manage was another moan, followed by, “Tay...”

“What, baby? What do you need?”

“Nothing,” I replied. “Just, you know I love it when you play with my hair.”

He smiled, stroking my hair gently and leaning in to kiss me. I moaned again at the feeling of his lips against mine. Taking things slowly this time seemed to intensify every tiny little feeling, and my nerves seemed to already be on high alert. Taylor nudged me onto my back and leaned over me, and my hands instinctively went to his hips. I resisted the urge to pull him closer, though. It was the least I could do, after he had been so sweet and romantic.

His kisses were slow and unhurried. One of his hands found its way to my hair, stroking it a bit, before creeping down my cheek, to my chest, then my belly. I couldn't stop myself from flinching when his hand landed there, on my pudge. I hoped that he hadn't noticed, but he immediately pulled back.

“Zac?”

“It's nothing,” I said. Taylor pouted, and I could tell he hadn't bought my lie. “Don't stop...”

“Zac... tell me.”

I sighed. “It's just... you touched my pudge. It's not a big deal.”

He pouted again. “Yes, I touched it. So? I told you; I love it.”

“And I don't, so...”

Without another word, Taylor slid his hand under my shirt. I trembled at his touch but made no move to stop him. Even though I knew he was probably going to make me more uncomfortable, at least for the time being, I didn't want him to stop. He nudged my button-down shirt off my shoulders, asking, “Can I see you?”

“I guess.” He seemed so shy suddenly that I couldn't stop myself from chuckling. I shrugged the shirt off the rest of the way, then slowly untucked the t-shirt I wore underneath and pulled it over my head.

Taylor watched my every move, smiling. His voice soft and sweet, he said, “So beautiful...”

“If you say so,” I replied, blushing. I remembered how Taylor had responded to that phrase earlier and I bit my lip. “Sorry.” 

He didn't complain about it this time, though. Instead, he touched my cheek, then trailed his fingers down my body, his eyes following. A small sigh fell from my lips and I felt myself almost unconsciously leaning up into his touch even as it moved. Taylor repeated the movement with his lips, kissing my neck, then my chest, coming to rest just above my stomach. He looked up at me for approval and I found that I couldn't deny him.

“Tay... please, don't stop.”

With one small nod, he kissed my stomach gently, running his fingers trough my happy trail. He flicked his tongue out a bit, the motion so small that I was almost unsure it had actually happened. The whole time, he didn't take his eyes off mine and I was powerless to look away. I moaned softly, and that encouraged Taylor to keep going. He kissed lower and lower, finally reaching the waistband of my pants.

I ran my fingers through his hair. “Please...”

“Anything for you,” he replied with a smile.

We worked in tandem to remove my pants; Taylor undid the button and zipper and slid them down my legs, and I kicked them off into the floor. He pulled back just enough to remove his own shirt and pants, then leaned over me again. He ran his hands up and down my thighs, his lips pressing against the front of my boxer briefs. It didn't even matter that there was a layer of cotton between his lips and my dick, I still moaned. He pressed another, harder kiss, to the material and let out of a moan of his own.

“God, Tay,” I gasped out. He tugged at the waistband of my underwear, pulling them down, and licked his lips. I let out a tiny laugh. “See something you like?”

It was a cheesy line, but he just smiled and nodded. “Yeah. You.” 

He climbed up and laid next to me, kissing me deeply. There was something about the kiss, combined with what he had said, that made me blush. I wrapped my arms around him, tangling one hand in his hair as I kissed him back. Taylor pulled back from my lips, and kissed all over my face – my cheeks, eyelids, forehead, even my nose. At the last, I giggled. Staring deeply into my eyes, he brushed his fingers against my dick.

“Tay,” I moaned, then chuckled softly. “You are such a tease.”

“I just want this to last. I told you, you deserve romance.”

“I know,” I replied, nodding. “I guess I'm just impatient.”

Taylor laughed softly, then gripped my dick a bit more firmly. I gave him a crooked smile and said, “Now that's more like it.”

He shook his head, and I wasn't sure if he was disagreeing or just laughing at my eagerness. Either way, he leaned down to kiss me again, his tongue running along my lips, making me moan and my lips quiver. His hand continued to stroke me as slowly as possible while we kissed. It still wasn't remotely enough to satisfy my need, and I nudged my hips ever so slightly closer to him.

He chuckled against my lips. “Patience, baby.”

“I'm trying,” I replied, running my fingers through his hair.

Taylor squirmed a bit. “You're not the only person who likes having their hair played with, you know.”

“Oh really?” With that new knowledge, I couldn't resist the urge to give his hair a little tug.

He sucked in a breath, then said, his voice taking on a warning tone, “Zac...”

“Yes... Taylor?” I said carefully.

A dark smirk passed across his face, but it quickly softened. He bumped noses with me and I couldn't help giggling. 

“If you keep trying to up the roughness, I'm just going to have to be even cuter to balance it,” Taylor said, giving me an eskimo kiss to show he was serious--seriously cute, that is.

I giggled again and squirmed. “That's just not even fair.”

Taylor leaned down again, and licked the tip of my nose. I blinked, and he stared back down at me with this ridiculous grin on his face.

“Really?”

He giggled and did it again. “Mrew?”

I raised an eyebrow. “You are such a weirdo.”

“And yet you love me...” he replied, grinning.

“Yeah, imagine that.”

He licked the tip of my nose yet again, giggling like mad. I couldn't even take it. It was ridiculous, cute and more than a little absurd.

“You are so fucking cute,” I said, giggling. 

Taylor gave me a smile, then kissed me – on the lips this time. “So are you.”

I blushed, but for once I didn't argue with him. He kissed my neck and sighed happily, and I ran my hands up and down his back.

“I love you,” he said, kissing my shoulder. “So much.”

“You know I love you too,” I replied. 

He stared into my eyes, as if he were searching for proof that I was telling him the truth. I stared back at him, hoping that whatever he was looking for, he would find. I guess he did, because after a moment, he kissed his way down my chest again, stopping to pay extra attention to my pudge. I sighed, but made no move to stop him, instead just tangling my hand in his hair.

Taylor glanced up. “Is this okay?”

“Yeah...”

“Are you sure?” He asked, punctuating the question with a kiss to my happy trail.

“I'm trying to be okay with it. That's the best I can do, okay?”

“Zac...” he said, his eyes willing with sadness as he kissed my stomach again. “I love you. All of you.”

“I know...”

“...But?”

I forced a weak smile. “But nothing.”

“Okay then,” he replied with a smile. He moved lower and lower, kissing further down my stomach. He flicked his tongue out at my lower abs, barely even inches above my dick.

I whimpered and squirmed. “Okay... I could get used to that.”

“You think so?” He asked, planting a few small kisses there and earning an enthusiastic nod from me. At that, he licked at my happy trail. “Even this?”

I moaned loudly. “Definitely that.”

Taylor laughed, but he finally seemed persuaded that I didn't mind what he was doing at all. He moved down slowly, pressing a few kisses to my thigh. I trembled, but tried to still my squirming so that he wouldn't pause again. He switched to the other leg, barely nipping at the skin of my inner thigh.

“Tay...” I breathed out, hoping it sounded like an encouragement. It was the most exquisite sort of torture ever, and I didn't mind at all. He breathed down my length, his lips so close but not quite touching me. Yes, this was definitely torture. “Oh god...”

At that, he gently flicked his tongue out against my sac, still just barely touching at all. I moaned softly, and this seemed to encourage him to ease up a little on the teasing. He gave another lick, his tongue washing over my skin. I tangled my hand in his hair and he sucked one of my balls into his mouth, swirling his tongue all around it.

If it didn't feel so damn good, I would have felt really pathetic for how quickly Taylor was able to turn me into a blubbering mess. Within seconds, I was moaning and saying his name over and over. When he finally began to suck harder, one hand reaching up to wrap around my dick, I was trembling so hard I could barely keep my grip on his hair. “Taylor... fuck...”

It wasn't a question or even a complete sentence, but it seemed to spur him on regardless. Taylor stared up into my eyes as his tongue washed over every inch of skin in front of him – except, of course, the one spot I wanted him to touch. Finally, when I thought I might go insane if he didn't, he swirled his tongue around my head and then, ever so slowly, took my dick into his mouth.

I gasped and my hips bucked up almost entirely on their own. For a second I worried that would make Taylor stop yet again, but it didn't. Instead, he moaned, the vibrations of it making me tremble, as he worked his way down my length. He bobbed his head up and down, sucking harder, and I couldn't stop myself from tugging on his hair.

He smirked up at me and for a second, I thought I had really screwed up. But instead of stopping, he put his hands on my thighs and eased my legs further apart. Trembling, I smiled down at him. With one last, lingering suck, he moved back down to lick my balls and I couldn't contain my moan. His grip on my thighs tightened as he moved down to flick his tongue against my entrance.

“Oh god, yes,” I said, moaning. I hadn't known for sure when I asked him to try that – rimming, it was apparently called – if I would like it, but it sounded pretty damn nice when we “did” it during our chats. As it turned out, I fucking loved it. He pressed his tongue harder against me, one hand moving up to stroke my dick again. My hips bucked of their own accord and I moaned out, “Yes, Taylor... fuck.”

I was really glad that it seemed we didn't really need words to communicate with each other like this, because god knows I turned into an incoherent mess when Taylor touched me. And when his tongue got involved? Then it was shocking if I could even form full words, let alone sentences. But Taylor knew what I wanted. His tongue washed all over me, his other hand creeping down to press one finger against my entrance.

“Mmm, Tay, please,” I begged, and he complied, sliding his finger in slowly. I moaned again, and he slid his finger almost all the way out before pushing it back in. When I cursed and cried out for him again, he only sped up his motions. Struggling to find my voice again, I just barely managed to gasp out, “Feels so good, Tay...”

He kissed my stomach and abs as he continued to pump his finger in and out, earning another loud moan from me. His eyes locked on mine, he slid a second finger into me. I mumbled something that kind of sounded like “yes,” and he licked at my happy trail as he thrust his fingers in and out.

“Oh god, Tay...” I said, eyes locked on his. “God, I love you so much.”

His hand slowed and I could see his eyes watering, and although my heart leapt, I knew I hadn't said the wrong thing for once. Staring up at me through his tears, Taylor said, “I love you, Zac.”

The sweet moment passed quickly, though. He added a third finger and resumed his former pace, and I growled loudly. “Fuck!”

“You okay?”

“God yes,” I replied.

Taylor pouted. “I'm not hurting you, am I?”

“No,” I said. “God, if you stop now...”

I punctuated the statement with another growl and Taylor chuckled. He stroked my chest, his other hand slowing. “Easy there, tiger.”

“You just feel so good, Tay,” I said, pouting. He gave me a shy smile, and I added, “Sorry for wanting more of you.” 

At that, I stuck my tongue out at him. He pounced up and caught my tongue in his mouth, sucking on it, his hand finally picking up speed again as he did so. I guessed flattery really would get me everywhere with him. I could definitely handle that, though. I moaned into his mouth, thrusting back against his hand, past even caring if I was being too needy and rushing things.

Luckily, it seemed Taylor was past that as well. He moaned, then asked, “Are you ready for me?”

“God, yes.”

He pulled his fingers out and reached down to give himself a few strokes before lining up. The entire time, he stared straight into my eyes and it made me tremble. No one ever stared at me with that kind of intensity. “Taylor...”

“I love you, Zac,” he said, his voice shaking.

“I love you, too. So much.”

At that, he slid inside of me. We both moaned, and we weren't in perfect harmony, but it was close enough. Taylor didn't move at all. He was shaking all over and his eyes were still locked right on mine. I tangled my hands in his hair and pulled him down for a kiss, and that seemed to do the trick. Slowly, almost excruciatingly so, he began to move his hips.

I pulled back from the kiss and moaned against his lips, once again losing the power of speech. Taylor leaned his forehead against mine, his eyes never leaving mine, as he continued to thrust into me slowly and gently. His eyes watering a little, he mumbled, “So beautiful... love you so much...”

“You're beautiful,” I said, my whole body trembling. I needed more of him, but I didn't want to ask. Instead, I wrapped my legs around him, settling for that little bit more closeness. “So beautiful...”

He shook his head and blinked back a few tears. I couldn't believe he was still debating this, even now.

“Yes. You are,” I replied, my voice as stern as I could manage. He shook his head again and I felt a few tears welling up in my own eyes. “So beautiful, Taylor. Love you so much...”

It wasn't my most eloquent moment, but I could still see Taylor's resolve faltering. A few tears escaped and began to fall down his cheeks as he said, “Love you, Zac... so fucking much...”

I leaned up and kissed the tracks of his tears, causing him to shiver. I didn't even know where I got the idea to do it, but it just seemed right. Sex like that, sweet and gentle but still mind blowing, was so different than anything I was used to. As strange as it sounded, I didn't think it could be like that with anyone but Taylor.

Taylor took my left hand in his and placed it over his heart. Tears still pooling in his eyes, he stared down at me, and in a trembling voice, he said, “Y-yours.”

I fought back tears of my own and smiled at him. I lifted his hand to my lips and kissed each fingertip before repeating his gesture over my own heart. “Yours.” 

He laughed lightly, as though he almost couldn't believe what I had said, then nodded. I wiped his tears away, even as my own began to fall. Taylor leaned his forehead against mine and let out a shaky breath. “Yours... f-forever?”

Without even giving myself a second to think about the implications, I nodded. “Yes. Forever, Tay.”

That was the last straw, I guess. Taylor's tears fell openly now; he didn't even try to hold them back. He covered my face and neck with kisses, mumbling, “Love you so much, Zac.”

“Love you, too,” I replied. As always, though, I could only handle so much romance. With a tiny whimper, I said, “Tay... touch me.”

Taylor gave me a nod, his eyes flashing with lust. He kissed me deeply and slid his hand down to stroke me to the same rhythm as his thrusts. I moaned his name and he increased his pace, moaning my name as well and saying, “God, you're amazing.”

I didn't really know what was so amazing about me just laying there whimpering and moaning, but I didn't feel like debating it. Instead, I just said, “So are you, Tay.”

That was, evidently, the right thing to say. His ridiculously blue eyes – why didn't I compliment him on those earlier, anyway? -- still staring right into my eyes, he began thrusting harder, his hand speeding up its pace as well. A loud moan fell from my mouth, along with his name.

“Yes, love?”

“Feels so good, baby,” I replied, the statement punctuated with another moan.

“Yeah, you do.”

I blushed. “That's not what I meant.”

“I know,” he replied. He shifted the angle of his hips, and I wasn't sure what he was trying to do until this amazing wave of pleasure rolled through my body.

“Fuck!” I cried out. “Tay...”

A smirk on his face, he rolled his hips again and again, hitting that same spot each time. Like everything the two of us did, I'd had a theoretical knowledge of how awesome it would feel. But actually feeling it was entirely different, and there were no words at all to describe it. Each thrust of his hips sent another wave of pleasure rolling through my body, and I cried out again. “Oh, god...”

“Yeah, baby? Is that it?”

“Yes, fuck,” I gasped out. “That's it.”

He leaned down and kissed me hungrily, thrusting impossibly hard, his hips still angled to hit that spot with each and every thrust. I moaned into his mouth, feeling myself growing closer and closer to the edge with each thrust. Finally, I pulled back and gasped for breath. “Tay.. I'm gonna..” 

Taylor whispered in my ear, “Come for me, Zac.”

“Oh god,” I cried out, shuddering as my orgasm hit me. Something about that little command, combined with his precise and unrelenting thrusts, was just too much for me to handle. Still shuddering, the last few aftershocks reverberating through my body, I gasped out, “Fuck, Tay...”

Taylor's pace increased to the point that I found myself panting and gasping again, even though I was already spent. I could feel his orgasm all the way through my body, from the way he trembled above me to the way he pounded into me. As he shot his load into me, he cried out, “Fuck, Zac!”

Completely sated and just this side of overstimulated, I stared up at him and smiled. “God, you're beautiful.”

Tears welled up in his eyes again. “Not half as beautiful as you.”

“Nope,” I replied. “Twice as beautiful as me. At least.”

To my relief, Taylor didn't argue with me. He just laughed and carefully slid out of me, grabbing a few tissues from the bedside table to clean me up. I blushed a little as he did it; I still hadn't gotten accustomed to the awkwardness of that particular part of sex with him. I'm sure he noticed, but he only gave me a smile before getting up to throw away the tissues. Seconds later he was back, crawling into my arms and giving me a gentle kiss.

“Tay, that was...” I sighed. “Amazing.”

He nodded. “Yeah. You were.”

I giggled and rolled my eyes. I was beginning to think there was nothing I could say to him that he wouldn't disagree with or turn around on me. Poking him in the side with each word, I said, “Not. What. I. Meant.”

He giggled and squirmed. “Careful where you poke there, buddy...”

“Where do you want me to poke you?” I asked, wiggling my eyebrows.

Taylor smirked, then shook his head. “Tonight is all about you.”

Chuckling, I replied, “I don't think I could, anyway. Gotta have time to recover.”

“Yeah,” he replied, wrapping his arms around me and snuggling into my side. “I like this better, anyway.”

“You like cuddling?” I grinned. “Such a woman.”

Taylor pouted, and I felt my heart absolutely melting.

“I like cuddling with you, too,” I admitted. “Guess that makes me a woman, too.”

Taylor shook his head. “Just makes you mine.”

“I can live with that,” I replied with a grin.

The smile Taylor had worn for the past few minutes began to falter. “Zac...”

“What?”

He blushed. “Umm, about what you said... I know, people say things, in the heat of the moment... and that's okay.”

“Tay... what are you talking about?” I asked, just wanting to be sure before I said anything else. 

He blushed more. “Umm, nevermind.”

I decided to take a guess, even though I was pretty certain I knew what he meant. “When I said... forever?”

He bit his lip and looked away, and I knew my guess had been correct.

“Taylor. Look at me, baby.”

He turned his face back to me, but his eyes were clamped shut, tears pooling in the corners. 

Hesitantly, I reached out a hand to touch his cheek. “Taylor... Please look at me, baby.”

Taylor opened his eyes slowly, his breathing rapid and shallow. It was worrisome and frustrating to see him so upset by my words, when I knew I had said the right thing for once.

“Tay... talk to me?”

“I just... I understand, if you didn't... if you didn't mean it how it came out,” he stuttered out, blinking back his tears.

“Taylor... shut up. I did mean it,” I replied. He blinked, and I added, “Exactly how I said it.”

He blinked again.

“Words, Tay. Use them.” 

He only stuttered again, his eyes boring holes into me. 

“Tay... please,” I said, unsure what I was even begging him for. Anything at all, really. Any sort of response.

A tear fell from his eyes. “Are... are you sure?”

I nodded. “I am.”

“But... but we...” he stuttered out.

“I know,” I replied, trying to save him the trouble of continuing to struggle for the right words. “I know we can't really...”

He took a trembling breath and seemed to collect himself a bit. “F-forever... is a lot, Zac.”

“Yeah, it's a long, long time,” I replied, giggling. I thought my sense of humor had abandoned me, but there it was, inviting itself into yet another serious moment.

Taylor gave a nervous laugh and said, “I wouldn't blame you...”

Before he could say anything else, I replied, “The thing is, you're kinda stuck with me. I'm still your drummer, your business partner, and oh yeah, your brother.”

“I know,” he replied, rolling his eyes. “But this is different. Zac... are you really willing to... to commit?”

Without a second's pause to think, I said, “To you? Absolutely.”

“This is as real as it gets...”

“I know,” I said. “I know, before, I talked about wanting to be able to tell the world... but I can live with that. If I have you.”

A few more tears fell from his eyes and he nodded.

“I really don't care about anything else,” I said, then bit my lip. That sounded wrong. “Well... you know what I mean.”

“Yeah...” he said.

“It's not that simple, but it kinda is,” I added. 

Taylor nodded again. “Zac, I... I love you so much. So much more than those words can express.”

“I know,” I said, nodding. “I feel the same way.”

“God, the things I would do if we weren't...” he trailed off, pouting. He didn't have to finish the sentence for me to know what he meant.

I sighed. “I know, baby.”

“I would, too,” he said. “I would, umm...”

Although his worse held conviction, he blushed and stammered. I was dying to know what he meant. “Tell me... please?”

Taylor took a deep breath and reached a hand out to touch my cheek. “I would commit to you... if I could.”

“You mean...” Words failed me again. I should have anticipated that he was going to say that, but I hadn't. I had never even thought about what I might do if we weren't brothers. Maybe I should have; obviously, Taylor had thought of it. It wasn't that I didn't like the thought. It just took me by surprise, somehow.

I glanced at Taylor and found him pouting. “Zac?”

“Yeah?”

“I didn't... upset you, did I? By saying that?”

“No, you didn't upset me,” I replied, but my voice threatening to give away that he had taken my breath away. Luckily, my sense of humor was there to save the day yet again. “Just trying to picture you in a white dress.”

Taylor's cheeks went red and he slapped my arm. I couldn't help giggling, but his face stayed serious and he stroked my cheek. “I would, though. I would... leave. Nat, I mean.”

I felt myself trembling, and I prayed that he didn't. “Tay... do you really mean that?”

He bit his lip and nodded. “That's... that's really fucking serious, Tay.”

“I know,” he said. “I would do anything, if you wanted me to. I'd leave Natalie. Hell, I'd quit the band if you asked me to.”

I gasped. “You mean... I could finally be the lead singer?”

Taylor didn't seem to find that funny. “Zac...”

“I'm sorry,” I said, giving him a sheepish smile. “I'm not good at serious. You know that.”

“I know... I just hope I'm not scaring you off.”

“You're not. I promise.” And I meant it. Even though the thought of being free to marry him took my breath away, I did like it. I sighed. “God... if we could, though...”

Taylor nodded and echoed my sad little sigh.

I lowered my voice a little, “I would leave Kate, too, you know.”

He gasped. “You... you would?”

I nodded. He really had to ask? If I could, if we were truly free to get married, of course I would. Nothing could keep me from him if that were the case. The fact that it wasn't... well, it didn't change how I felt. It just meant that, while the feelings were real, the conversation was purely hypothetical.

A few tears fell from Taylor's eyes. “Zac...”

“Yeah?”

He leaned in to kiss me, then whispered against my lips, “Zac... would you marry me?”

Trembling, I whispered back, “Yes.”

In spite of his tears, Taylor laughed. He kissed me again, and I swore I could feel every ounce of his love pouring from him to me in that kiss. I wrapped my arms tightly around him and tried to kiss him back the same way. We both laughed and cried through the kiss, and Taylor whispered over and over how much he loved me.

Still laughing and crying, I replied, “Love you so fucking much, Tay.”

He kissed away my tears, holding me so tight it almost hurt. But I didn't care. 

“Forever, Tay. I mean it,” I said with a sigh, and he let out a trembling breath, like he was finally accepting that I really did mean it. “Forever.”

“Forever,” he repeated with a nod. He gave me a sweet smile, then leaned down and licked the tip of my nose. “Mrew?”

I giggled. It seemed my randomness was becoming infectious. “So I purr and you... meow?”

He tilted his head for a second as though he were giving my question serious consideration, then nodded.

“A couple of weirdos, that's us.”

“I guess so,” he replied, then gave me a shy smile. “Just makes us that much more perfect for each other.”

“Yup, exactly,” I replied, returning his smile.

Taylor's eyes softened and he lifted up my left hand, holding it in front of his face and staring at it. He locked eyes with me, then kissed my ring finger at the base. I raised an eyebrow, but didn't say a word. It was obvious what he was getting at, and even though it made that same nervous feeling bubble up in my stomach, I kind of liked it. He kissed my finger again.

“Trying to tell me something there?” I asked.

He laughed. “Well, you did already say.... yes.”

“Yeah, I did.”

Taylor shivered and his eyes fell closed. I tried to think of what I might have said wrong, but could come up with nothing.

“Tay...?”

He opened his eyes. “Yes, love?”

“What are you thinking?”

He smirked. “Wouldn't you like to know.”

“No, I asked because I really have no desire to know,” I replied, sticking my tongue out.

He reached up and grabbed my tongue between a finger and thumb and raised an eyebrow, as though he were daring me to speak again. My eyes went wide and I tried to stutter out something, anything, but it was kind of impossible. He tugged on my tongue, pulling me closer until finally we were close enough to kiss.

We tangled our hands in each others' hair, but the kiss was pretty gentle by our standards. Still, a small moan fell from my lips and into his mouth. Taylor pulled back and sighed happily, running his hand across my cheek. I stared back at him, and finally my disbelief at everything that had passed between us seemed to fade away. A slight chuckle fell from my lips, earning me a confused look from Taylor.

“What?”

“I was just thinking,” I replied. “I should have known the perfect guy for me was here all along.”

His eyes went wide, filling up with tears again and his bottom lip began to quiver. I knew if I continued, I would probably only make him cry again, but they would be good tears. And anyway, it was hard to stop myself once I started talking.

“I mean, I met this guy and he was so amazing I thought there was no way he could even be real. Not only was he real... he was you.” I was pretty proud of myself for the way I had put that. It wasn't as eloquent as Taylor might have said the same thing, but he still nodded and let a few tears fall. “It's kinda funny, though. In a good way.”

“Yeah,” he replied. “Like... fate.”

“Exactly,” I said, sighing contentedly.

That was _exactly_ how it felt, and of course with just one word, Taylor could say it better than I had. But that was just Taylor, I supposed. And it was just how we were together. We were better together; always had been. So it only made sense that we were even better still as a couple.


	4. Chapter 4

**Taylor**

Zac and I were basking in the afterglow, laying in each other's arms on the couch in his art studio. Every time with him was more amazing than the last, both physically and emotionally. My fears and doubts were still there, but it was getting easier to ignore them. I sighed happily, snuggling closer to Zac.

"Love you."

"Love you, too," Zac said back, smiling. I smiled back at him, kissing his chest. I couldn't get over how beautiful he was, or how lucky I was to have him in my life. I still doubted that I deserved it, though, and I bit my lip in thought.

"Something wrong, baby?" Zac asked, and the concern and love in his voice made me smile again as I shook my head.

"Nope. Everything's... just right. For the first time ever, I think," I added, chuckling a bit. Zac frowned, however, catching the slight shadow to my tone.

"That doesn't make me as happy as it should." Zac looked down at me, and once again I was touched, moved even, by how much he cared. I touched his cheek, kissing him gently, and he smiled again. 

"So," I said slowly, my mind going to the conversation I'd had with my wife. I was nervous about telling Zac, but it was a good kind of nervous.

"What?"

"Well..." My nerves threatened to shut me up, and I looked away shyly; I wasn't sure how Zac would take the news.

"Tay... You know you can talk to me about it, good or bad."

"It's nothing bad," I reassured him, taking a breath before continuing. "Okay, so here's the thing." I paused again, and Zac stared expectantly at me. I knew what I wanted to say, but the thought of Zac's reaction kept me hesitating. 

"Natalie and I, we were talking the other day. About us."

"About us?!" Zac asked, his voice rising considerably. I looked up at him, confused, until I realized his misunderstanding.

"Oh! No, not about _us_ us," I said, motioning between us. "Me and her."

"Oh, okay. Kinda scared me there." Zac smiled uneasily, still breathing a bit heavy.

"Sorry," I laughed lightly. "So anyway, we were talking about... about how things have changed." I looked up to the ceiling, seeing Zac nod slowly. "It's like we don't even act like a couple anymore. It's okay," I added when I saw Zac's frown. I smiled sadly, and he nodded.

"If you say so."

"We're more like friends, I guess. I mean, I still love her, but just... I'm not _in love_ with her anymore, you know?" I looked at Zac, sighing heavily.

"I think I can understand that."

"And she pretty much admitted to feeling the same way."

"Wow." 

"I know," I said quietly, nodding. "It's like, knowing something is one thing, but to actually say it..."

"Yeah," Zac replied softly. I looked up at him, bracing myself for what came next.

"I think... I might be... ready."

"Ready?" Zac blinked, looking at me curiously, and I smiled, touching his cheek.

"To let go."

"Oh. _Oh._ Wow." 

"And then," I said softly, leaning closer. I knew I was shaking a bit, but I prayed Zac didn't notice. "Maybe... I can finally be happy." I finally brushed my lips against Zac's, but I felt him hesitating. That wasn't the response I'd been hoping for, and I pulled back slightly.

"I mean, it's not for sure yet."

"Yeah..." Zac's eyes were hard to read as he smiled uneasily. "That's... that's kind of a huge step."

"I think it was a long time coming, though," I replied, shrugging.

"I guess." Zac was strangely quiet, and it was making me even more nervous than I'd already been.

"Zac?"

"Yeah?"

"Say something?" I couldn't help pouting a bit, my breathing just a touch shallow.

"Um, I'm not really sure what to say. I mean, it's not really appropriate to congratulate someone on their possible divorce, right?"

"I guess not," I laughed nervously. I wasn't sure what I'd been expecting honestly, and hearing it put that way eased my nerves a bit.

"But if you're sure it's what you want to do, then... that's good, I guess." Zac smiled, albeit a bit weakly, but I nodded and curled up to him again.

"I guess all I needed was someone to help me see things a bit more objectively."

"Glad I could... help," Zac said quietly. I couldn't help noticing the pause, and I looked up at him. He was smiling nervously, but his eyes told a different story.

"Zac? What's wrong?"

"Nothing..." I stared at him, knowing he was lying, and eventually he cracked, sighing. "I'm just... Are you sure that's what you want?" Zac asked; I tilted my head, really thinking about it.

"It's scary as hell to say it, but... yeah. I think it is." I was pouting again; I knew I shouldn't have expected Zac to be thrilled, but his reaction still surprised me.

"I guess it is scary," Zac said, rubbing my back slowly.

"Yeah. I know it's for the best, though. She's not happy, I'm not happy... This way, we'll both be free to..." I cut myself off, blushing. I looked away from Zac's stare, kissing his chest again. Judging by his reaction, I didn't want to say the wrong thing. But when I glanced up again, he was still staring, his eyes wide.

"What?" I asked, curious about his thoughts.

"Nothing." Zac was hiding again, and it hurt. I leaned up, stroking his hair as I kissed him softly.

"No secrets, remember?"

"I don't... have any secrets," Zac said unconvincingly, and I raised an eyebrow at him.

"Baby, please," I begged, running my fingers through his hair. 

"What... what do you think it'll be like after you guys are divorced? I mean, that's a big change."

"I know it is," I sighed. "But we still care about each other. And of course we'll still be close, and raise the kids together." I paused, chuckling softly. "I think we might make better friends than husband and wife, anyway." I looked to Zac, who was still frowning.

"That's... good, I guess."

"Zac, seriously. What's wrong? I mean, I'm not expecting you to celebrate, but I just thought..." I bit my lip to silence myself. 

"Tay... I'm sorry. I'm just surprised." The love and concern were still there in Zac's tone, but I couldn't deny the doubt that hung there as well, any more than I could the hurt I was feeling, however irrational. I nodded, laying my head back down and looking away.

"Well, whatever. Like I said, it's not definite yet."

"Taylor," Zac sighed. The fact that he used my whole name, and not the usual nickname, wasn't lost on me, but I stubbornly kept my eyes off him. "What do you want me to say? I'm happy for you? I am, you know... if you're sure this is what you want." That got my attention, and I finally turned to look at him.

"You keep saying that. I wouldn't have told you if it wasn't what I wanted." I inwardly winced at the slight edge to my tone.

"I know. I'm sorry. It's just... I mean, it's not like spur of the moment, right? You've been thinking about it?"

"No, I just came up with the idea yesterday," I almost spat, scowling. "What do you think? Jeez, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to talk me out of it." The moment the words left my lips, a whisper of doubt started to nag at the back of my mind. Zac blinked at me, shocked at my sharp tone, and guilt joined the doubt.

"I'm sorry. I'm just trying to... to understand, I guess." Zac seemed hurt, almost shying away, and my heart dropped.

"I'm sorry," I sighed. "But like I said, this has been coming for a long time. I just never had the courage to talk about it before."

"I know," Zac replied, nodding. "I guess it still kinda surprises me to think it's actually maybe gonna happen, though." The edge in both our voices was wearing off, and I was able to smile at him again.

"Yeah, I know. But I think it is. We haven't said the word yet, but we've come pretty damn close. And the other day..." I trailed off, looking down.

"What?"

"Nat was on the computer; she forgot to close the browser."

"Okay," Zac said patiently. I took another deep breath before finishing.

"She's got an appointment with a lawyer on Tuesday."

"Oh. Wow." We fell into silence for a few moments, and I felt the hurt creeping back in with every wordless breath.

"So yes, Zac. I think this really is actually maybe going to happen. And I'm sorry for thinking you'd be a little happier about it."

"Now you're mocking me," Zac accused, however correctly, and pouted. "And I am... happy. Just surprised. I mean, if you're happy, I'm happy."

"Do you remember about a month ago? We were talking about... this." I glanced over at Zac, and saw him nodding. "I think that's what gave me the final push. Knowing that I wouldn't have to be alone."

"Oh." Zac smiled weakly, and I felt the conflicted emotions within me vying for the majority. 

"I meant it, you know. All of it." 

"I know," Zac said, nodding. His voice lowered to an almost whisper. "I did too." At his words, I felt my eyes go wide. Did he really mean it? Would he really be willing to... to commit, to being with just me? I would never ask that of him, but I couldn't think of what else his words could have meant.

"Zac..."

"What?"

"I... I would never..." My voice escaped me, as I felt my eyes watering, the love winning over the doubt.

"Tay, what's wrong?"

"Nothing," I answered, smiling and shaking my head. "I just love you."

"I love you too." We held each other a bit tighter, and I leaned up to kiss Zac once more, pouring as much love as I could into the kiss.

"You know I would never ask that of you." It was true, but the thought that Zac would willingly offer...

"Ask what? You mean... ask me to..." Zac pulled back, eyeing me curiously. I looked back at him, equally confused. Had I misunderstood him?

"To leave."

"Oh," Zac said quietly, and just as quickly as it had disappeared, the doubt was back, clouding my mind and making my breath quicken.

"I thought you knew what I meant."

"I think... I'm a dumbass," Zac mumbled, looking away. I tried to catch up with his train of thought, and realized what he must have thought I'd meant.

"You... you didn't think..." Everything started to make sense, as I realized what he thought I'd been expecting of him. To think that he could think that of me, that I would expect something so important, simply because I was doing it... It hurt me deeply that he would think me capable of demanding something so huge.

"I thought... that's what you wanted." 

 

**Zac**

I watched Taylor's eyes widen, and I began to wonder if my assumption was wrong. If it was, then I didn't understand at all why this conversation was happening. So he was probably getting a divorce. I was happy for him – really, I was – but it didn't really affect me.

“Zac, you know I would...” He pouted, his frustration written all over his face. “God, Zac, you know I would never ask something like that of you.”

He sat up, clearly growing more and more upset with me. I pouted, unsure what to say. “Well, you said... all that stuff about how you could be happy now...”

“Well, yeah but... I didn't mean...” he huffed. “Zac, how could you think I would ask something that huge? Your marriage is your business, not mine.”

“I said I was a dumbass,” I replied. Taylor sighed heavily, and I struggled to find the words to make him not be angry at me. “I just thought... I mean, you know how things are with Kate. Just forget it. I'm dumb.”

He reached a hand out and touched my shoulder. “Zac... how many times do I have to tell you? You're not dumb.”

I shrugged. I still wasn't sure I believed what Taylor was saying. I didn't understand why this announcement was supposed to be such a big deal to me if he didn't expect something similar from me. None of this made any sense.

“And yeah, I do know how things are with Kate. But I have no say in that. As much as I may want to, I don't.” 

Things were beginning to get clearer in my mind. With a frown, I asked, “So you wouldn't ask me to leave her, but you wish I would?”

Taylor opened his mouth, then froze in place. Whatever he was going to say, he must have thought better of it, because he closed his mouth, then looked away and sighed. “It's not my place to say.”

“But you've still got an opinion.”

Taylor rolled his eyes, but didn't reply. That didn't fool me. Of course he had an opinion.

“I know you do.”

“Do you really want to go there, Zac?”

“Probably not,” I replied, my frown deepening. I didn't like the way Taylor talked about Kate. It didn't even matter that I knew most of what he said was right. She was still my wife, and I had, in some strange way, loved her for a pretty large chunk of my life. Even if it didn't make sense, I still felt this sense of loyalty to her.

Taylor smirked, and I knew he was probably thinking of at least ten different insults he could say about my wife. “Then just leave it. It doesn't matter, anyway.”

“Okay,” I replied, which only prompted Taylor to sigh again. Even four letters from me was enough to upset him, it seemed. I heaved a sigh of my own. “Tay... I just don't understand what you want from me right now.”

“Nothing. Just forget it,” he said, but his tone of voice said that it wasn't nothing. It was something – a big something – but I still didn't understand what.

I sighed loudly. “Fine.”

“Zac... don't be like that,” he said, pouting.

“Like what?”

“Like... I don't know. There's something bothering you, but I don't know what it is, and I don't know how to fix it.” He leaned over and kissed me, but it did little to soothe my growing frustration. “Please, baby...”

I felt myself frowning again. Maybe I could explain it to him. I just had to be careful with my words. “It's just... I don't know, thinking about you leaving Natalie...”

Taylor pulled back a bit. “Why does that bother you so much?”

“Well, I thought you wanted me to... to leave Kate,” I replied, then quickly added, “I know what you said, though.”

“Okay,” he replied slowly, in that tone of voice that made me feel like a real idiot.

“But... I dunno, it does seem like that's what you want...”

“Uh huh,” he replied, clearly growing frustrated with me yet again. “So what's the problem?”

“Well, I wanna make you happy. You know I do.”

“I know,” he replied, his frustration still obvious. “But?”

“But, I don't know if...” I began, my voice catching in my throat as I tried to finish the sentence. “If I could... leave her.”

“Zac...” Taylor said, pulling back from me. His voice rose in volume as he asked, “What part of 'I would never ask that of you' did you not understand?”

Once again, it seemed I had chosen all the wrong words. Now he wasn't just frustrated, he seemed to be angry with me. “I understood all of it...”

“Yeah? So then I still fail to see the problem!”

“Well, you don't have to yell,” I replied, pouting. I knew I was being pathetic, but I was past caring. Taylor was pulling me in ten different directions and getting angry with me for not understanding where we were going; I think I had earned the right to be a little bit pouty.

“I'm not...” Taylor sighed, then lowered his voice. “I'm not yelling.”

“You kinda were,” I pointed out.

He pinched the bridge of his nose, obviously trying to ward off a Zac-induced headache. “Okay, I'm sorry. I just... I can't understand what the problem is. I'm not asking you to leave Kate, so why are you upset about not wanting to leave Kate?”

I thought about that for a second. It was a valid question, I supposed. After a moment's pause to once again consider my words, I replied, “Even if you're not asking me to, you're making me think about it. Whether you mean to or not.”

“Zac...” Taylor replied with a sigh. “Zac, I'm not trying to...”

“I know. But it's still making me think about it,” I said. How could he not see that that was where this conversation would lead? Did he think he could talk about divorcing Natalie without making me think about my own marriage?

“And... what are you thinking?” He seemed to be genuinely curious, although I could still tell he was frustrated with me for making him ask. 

“That...” I began, then paused to take a deep breath. “That it's a really scary idea.”

“I know,” he replied, nodding.

“And I mean, it wouldn't change anything, even if we both...”

Taylor tilted his head. I thought he was finally following my train of thought and understanding why I wasn't thrilled at the moment, but it seemed I was wrong.

“You and me, Tay,” I said. “We still couldn't... be together.”

Taylor pulled back from me even further and pouted. Had I said the wrong thing yet again? I knew he was blonde, but surely he realized that the biggest reason our relationship was a secret wasn't because it was, on both of our parts, an affair.

“I mean, like... officially,” I added, trying to clarify myself even further and, hopefully, soothe his frustration.

“Yeah, I guess...” Taylor replied. “But that part doesn't really matter, does it? I mean, it's not like... it's not like a piece of paper would make this any more real.”

“I guess...” I said. I knew he was right, but it still seemed we weren't quite on the same page, and I couldn't figure out why or how to get us there.

“And not having it doesn't make it any less real... right?”

“Right,” I replied. I did, at least, agree with that. It _was_ real. It was the most real thing I'd ever felt.

Taylor gave me the saddest, most adorable puppy dog eyes I'd ever seen. Even though we were finally seeming to agree, at least with our words, something was still definitely off about this conversation. I wasn't sure how to fix it.

“Tay, you know I love you,” I said, giving him the closest thing to a smile that I could manage.

He nodded. “And I love you.”

“It's definitely real.” 

“I know,” Taylor replied. I thought I could almost see the wheels in his head turning, as though he were contemplating his next words very carefully. “But... it would make it easier...”

“What?” Even though I had a good idea what he meant, I really hoped I was wrong. I didn't want to risk assuming and saying something dumb again.

“Well, think about it. If we were... both single. We'd have as much time as we want to be together,” he said, smiling.

“I guess...” It did sound nice. It really did. But I could still feel this tightening in my chest, this rising sense of panic at the thought of upheaving my entire life like that. 

“We could even share a 'bachelor pad,'” he said with a smirk.

I managed a little laugh at that, and Taylor gave me a wink. I forced a weak smile. “That would be... nice. I mean, we'd still have to be secretive.”

“Only when in public,” he said with a shrug. I felt my worry begin to fade ever so slightly as Taylor kissed my neck. “Think about it, Zac... falling asleep in each others' arms?”

I let out a sigh. “Yeah...”

“And waking up together?”

In spite of myself, I smiled. “That would be great.”

“I could cook you breakfast...” Taylor said, nibbling on my ear.

“Can I have breakfast in bed?” I asked, grinning.

“Mhm,” he replied, biting my neck lightly. I let out a tiny moan. “No more nagging...”

I sighed. He just had to bring the conversation back around to Kate, didn't he? Just when I was starting to feel better, he just had to make me think about her again.

“No more judgment,” he said, staring into my eyes. “No more pain.”

If Taylor noticed my frown, he didn't remark on it. I knew he was right. It would be better if we were both single. But it was such a big change...

“No more lonely nights,” he finished, punctuating each word with a kiss.

I forced myself to smile. “It sounds so perfect...”

“It could be,” Taylor whispered, and I could see him shaking ever so slightly.

It didn't matter how much he assured me that he wasn't asking me to leave Kate. Even if he didn't say those exact words, I could still see them written all over every one of his actions and hear them hiding just behind the words he _was_ saying. I shook my head. “It couldn't really, though. Could it?”

“Why not?”

I sighed. “I'm just a fucking wimp, I guess. I can't leave her.”

Taylor closed his eyes for a second, and I knew he was trying to calm himself down. Finally, he nodded. “It's okay, baby. No one's asking you to.”

“It kinda feels like someone is.”

“I'm not. I promise,” he said, touching my cheek. “I love you. So much.”

I nodded. “I know. I love you too.”

“Look, Zac,” Taylor said with a sigh. “Would it make me happy? Yes. But I'm not less happy if you don't. Okay?”

“Okay...” I replied, even though at that moment, nothing was really okay.

“I can't lie, though,” he said. “The thought of waking up next to you every morning _is_ nice.”

I wondered if Taylor even realized how mixed the signals he was sending me were? Still, it _did_ sound nice. “I would love that so much, Tay. I really would.”

“I know...” Taylor said, pouting. I let a sigh slip out, knowing that pout meant I probably wouldn't like whatever he said next. “I just wish I knew how to help you. I mean, I _know_ you're not happy.”

I looked down and nodded slightly. I hated to acknowledge it, but it wasn't as though Taylor didn't already know. But admitting it only brought me one step closer to having to actually _do_ something about it.

“I guess I just don't understand what you're so afraid of,” he said. 

How could he not understand? I knew our marriages were different, but we had been with the same girls for same amount of time. How could it be so much easier for him to leave? He had only been a little older than me when he got together with Natalie, but I supposed it made a difference. 

“Tay, the last time I was single my voice had barely finished changing,” I pointed out.

“I know,” he replied. I could tell by his tone that he thought I was being stupid again. He had asked what I was afraid of, and I had just pointed out the obvious. Of course he knew how long I had been with Kate, but had he really thought about what that meant?

The truth was, there was very little I wasn't afraid of. Foremost among the things that scared me was change. Leaving Kate meant rearranging my entire life and learning how to be single – or, at least, not married – again. And it meant I had one less reason to stay safely in the closet. Surely people would expect me to start dating again. How I could explain to them why I wasn't? 

“It's scary as hell to think about,” I said. “I don't even know how to _not_ be with her.”

Taylor pouted. I was really getting tired of that pout, adorable as it was. “But...”

“I guess...” I began, trailing off as I tried to find the right way to say how I felt about Kate. “I'm not gonna lie. You know I'm not happy, but I guess I'm kinda like... desensitized to how bad it is?”

“Oh, Zac...” There was the pout again. I was beginning to think his face was just stuck that way.

“At least, I was,” I added, giving him what was probably the weakest smile ever. “Until you.”

Taylor matched my smile with a frown. “Zac... you wouldn't be alone, though...”

“I know,” I replied.

I _did_ know. It just didn't seem to ease my fears. Of course I would have Taylor by my side, and that would help a lot, but he couldn't fix everything. If this conversation was anything to go by, there was a lot – like my stupid, irrational fears – that Taylor couldn't change at all. 

But I didn't think _all_ of my fears were irrational. Talking to Kate about getting a divorce, for example, was absolutely terrifying. What would she even say? I had no clue, but I knew it wouldn't be pretty. As much as Taylor disliked Kate, I didn't think he really did understand how she was at all.

“God, I can't even imagine trying to talk to her about it, though,” I said, trembling a little as I thought about it.


	5. Chapter 5

**Taylor**

"I don't think it would be like you and Natalie talking about it..."

"Yeah... Kate doesn't exactly seem like the talking type." I let out a low growl; the more I thought about Zac's wife, and how she treated him, the more upset I became. Zac heard the growl, and frowned.

"You really don't like her, do you?"

"That obvious?" I replied with a sneer.

"Just a bit." Zac laughed nervously, and I almost felt bad. Not for hating her, but for upsetting him.

"Just, I don't like the thought of her tearing you down like that. And I don't like _that_ ," I added as Zac shrugged, as if it didn't matter at all.

"I think she's always done it, though. Hasn't she?"

"And that's the worst part. You've been getting a wall of negativity since you were fourteen, Zac."

"I guess. I mean, I think she did at least like me at one point... maybe." Zac laughed, but I couldn't see the humor in what he'd just said.

"That's... really not funny, Zac."

"I'm sorry?"

"This is your wife you're talking about, and you're not sure if she's ever _liked_ you, let alone loved you?" I let out a noise halfway between a sigh and a growl. How was it that I cared about this more than he did? As much as it broke my heart to see him hurting, seeing him like this, apathetic to his own life, was far worse.

"And I'm _kidding_. I mean, why would she have stayed with me so long if she didn't... love me?" Zac tried to hide the hesitation, but I caught it; I refrained from offering any suggestions, though.

"I don't know, Zac. But tell me something. When's the last time she actually complimented you on something?" I waited, and Zac tilted his head, obviously drawing a blank.

"Uh huh... When's the last time she told you she loved you? Like she meant it?" I stared intently at Zac, watching as he grasped for an answer, but came up empty.

"I... I don't know," he finally whispered.

"When's the last time she kissed you like this?" I pulled him close suddenly, pouring every ounce of love I possibly could into it. My chest was tight as he kissed me back, pulling away after a few seconds and looking down.

"I'm not sure she ever has." At Zac's admission, I felt my eyes water, my heart aching painfully.

"Zac..."

"Nothing has ever felt like it does to be with you, Tay." Zac looked up at me, and I had to bite my lip to stop the shaking.

"Can't you see what she's done to you?"

"I... guess not."

"It breaks my heart to think of it," I whispered. Zac's eyes began to mist over as he said my name again, and I leaned my forehead against his.

"You deserve so much better, Zac."

"I've got better," Zac said, smiling weakly. "You."

"It's a start." I smiled sadly, sighing a bit. "I just... I worry about how much more she could break you."

"God, you make her sound so evil."

"Yeah, well," I snorted, unable to stop the comments. "If the shoe fits."

"She's not like, _evil_ evil," Zac said. I couldn't believe he was still defending her, even if he did sort of just admit to agreeing about her evilness.

"So, like, semi-evil? Quasi-evil? The diet coke of evil?" I smiled as Zac giggled; it felt good to make him laugh. "Just one calorie; not evil enough."

"I mean, she's not like, wife of Satan evil. Mostly because, you know, I'm not Satan. But she's... not the nicest person in the world. I'll agree to that."

"There's an understatement," I mumbled, snorting again. We were getting there, however slowly.

"I guess," Zac chuckled.

"I think she's bottom of that list. Dead last." Emphasis on the _dead_ part, although I'd never say that out loud.

"Don't hold back, Tay," Zac joked, laughing nervously; but since he'd opened the door...

"Well since you asked," I started, smirking darkly. "Let's see, should I start at the beginning?"

"I didn't really mean..." Zac frowned, but I couldn't stop myself.

"Like how she started off dating Ike?" I heard Zac's growl; I knew it was still a sore subject for him, but I had to make my point. "And then dropped him when he didn't spoil her?"

"That's really not..." Zac huffed, obviously upset by the turn the conversation was taking. 

"Did you know she actually tried to get with me for a while?" I mentally braced myself; I highly doubted she'd ever told him, and the way he blinked in shock confirmed it.

"...What?"

"Even though she knew her _bff_ and I were already dating."

"I... she... _What_?" Zac's voice raised a bit, and I cringed. Maybe I shouldn't have told him, but I felt he deserved to know the truth. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was before you guys started dating."

"But..." Zac blinked again, trying to process everything. But I had a point to make, a reason for telling him.

"She didn't get what she wanted from me, either. And so, she moved on, to you."

"I..." Zac's lower lip quivered, and my face softened. "I had... no idea."

"You really don't know how manipulative she is, do you?" I bit my lip as Zac shook his head, his shoulders slumped. 

"I guess... I guess I had no clue." He looked small suddenly, young, and I felt even more protective of him, almost hating myself for telling him. I reached out to touch his hair, trying to offer some measure of comfort.

"I thought she'd changed, when you guys got together. I mean, you seemed happy. She did too, but I could never really tell with her, you know?"

"I mean... Has everyone else always known she was such a bitch? And you guys just didn't tell me?" Zac's eyes welled up, and I felt another stab of guilt.

"I... I didn't think it was my place to judge. And you seemed happy."

"Seemed happy," Zac echoed, snorting derisively. "But... really, is everyone just holding back on telling me I married the world's biggest bitch?"

"Um," I laughed nervously; it wasn't like that, but at the same time, it was.

"No one could just say, 'Hey Zac, your girlfriend is a cunt?'" Zac stared at me expectantly, and I snorted.

"Yeah, like that wouldn't earn said person a punch in the nose?" 

"I didn't say it wouldn't have," Zac laughed.

"Besides, would you have believed me?"

"Probably not."

"But looking back... Do you think maybe now you do?" I waited, and finally Zac nodded slowly, hanging his head. "Think of everything she's said to you, every little dig. Does that sound like a wife that loves her husband?" It was a huge thing to ask him to accept, but I could see he was getting there. Zac bit his lip, his eyes, shifting, until I touched his cheek.

"I guess... I guess not."

"Not only is it not right, it's not healthy. And as bad as it is for you, think about your kids, if that's what they look up to." I was changing tactics slightly, and Zac looked up at me, surprised and a little confused.

"She's... she's a good mother, though."

"Kids have eyes and ears, Zac. If they grow up watching their mom completely tear down their dad, and he just takes it..." I paused, shaking my head and matching Zac's frown. "They're going to think that's okay, to treat people like that."

"I... I never thought about that," Zac said quietly, sniffling. 

"I'm just trying to help," I said softly.

"I know."

"I know I'm stepping way out of line here, but..."

"No, it's okay," Zac reassured me. I was glad he wasn't angry with me, but I still sighed heavily.

"Damn it, I love you. And it kills me to see you go through this." 

"It's weird," Zac said, sniffling. "How you can just point all this stuff out to me, and it seems so obvious. Stuff I never would have admitted on my own."

"I'm sorry, baby." I touched his cheek, and he smiled a bit.

"No, it's okay.

"I just want you to be happy," I sighed, running a hand through his hair. "It doesn't even have anything to do with us. I just... want you to be happy." I felt my eyes welling up again, as the emotions within me built to a peak.

"Aw, Tay, no. Don't cry." Zac sniffled, his own eyes glassy.

"You started it," I laughed softly.

"Yeah, I guess I did." Zac wiped away the tear that rolled down my cheek, and I did the same for him.

"I hate her for doing this to you." My voice shook, partially from the pain I felt for Zac, and partially because of how strongly I felt about Kate. I didn't use the word 'hate' lightly, but I felt it to the full extent for the woman that was trying to break my brother, my love.

"I hate myself for letting her," Zac muttered, his own voice breaking. My eyes widened, fresh tears threatening to spill over.

"Z-zac, no." I pulled him close, hugging him tightly. "I don't want to ever hear you say that again. You hear me?" The tears that had been building fell; Zac nodded, his own tears spilling. Without thinking, I leaned over and kissed his cheek, tasting the salty drops. He shivered at the touch, and I pulled back to look at him. Everything I was feeling came to a head, and I kissed him deeply and passionately; he matched my eagerness, the waves of emotion between us leaving me almost as breathless as the kiss itself. I could feel his tears falling freely, but I couldn't tell if they were from joy or pain.

"Zac," I said, pulling back to look at him. "I'm not going to ask you to leave her. But..." I bit my lip hard; I didn't want to destroy the mood, but I needed to make him understand.

"But what?" Zac urged, sniffling.

"I just..." I lowered my voice to a whisper, looking away. "I just wish you could see how badly you need to."

"It's just... It's not that I don't see it," Zac said quietly, drawing my attention back to his eyes.

"...But?"

"It's still scary, Tay. I mean, what would she even say if I told her I wanted a divorce? I have no clue." Zac really did look frightened, and I felt conflicted, torn between what would make him happy short-term versus long-term.

"I just..." I took a deep breath, trying to keep calm. "Remember when we were talking about this? I mean, you said you would-" I cut myself off; sure, he'd said it, but I felt like I was guilting him now.

"I know..." Zac sniffled a little, and it made me doubt. I sighed heavily, pulling back a bit.

"Look, it's okay, I get it. We were wrapped up in the emotion of the moment. And like I said, I'd never ask you to. I just..."

"But... we were talking about if we could really be together. That's different." 

I paused, letting Zac's words sink in, and then it all started to click. _That's different._ I looked at him, hoping I was wrong, but no; he'd never really meant it as a promise, just a big "what if". Hypothetical. Something that could never really be. 

"So... it was all just... just fantasy?"

 

**Zac**

“No... I mean...” I stuttered and stammered, but no words came to me. It _was_ a fantasy, wasn't it? He knew we couldn't really be together. How could he expect me to follow through on promises made based on an imaginary world where we could get married?

“So... it was all just a big what if? You didn't mean...” His eyes narrowed and he pulled back from me. “You didn't mean it?”

“I...” Again with the stuttering. I took a second to breathe, then began again. “If it was that simple, then yes, I would leave her. But it's not. You know it's not.”

Taylor sat up. “It's not that complicated, Zac.”

“Maybe not the leaving her part, but the being with you part...” I trailed off, my voice almost pleading at the end, pleading with him to understand what I meant. How could he not get it?

But he only sighed. “It's not as complicated as you keep trying to make it. What we do behind closed doors is our business.”

“And it would always have to behind closed doors,” I pointed out. “We couldn't ever really... get married.” My voice lowered to almost as whisper at the end. 

Taylor's lip shook as he asked, “What happened to that not mattering?”

“Well, if we can't get married, what does it matter whether I'm single or not? It doesn't really change anything.”

And it didn't, did it? We would still be a secret. I could come out, sure, but I couldn't show the world my boyfriend. It didn't sound like a very pleasant existence, the more I thought about it. Taylor didn't seem to agree, though. His eyes widened, then narrowed again. 

“There's a big difference, Zac,” he replied. Raising his voice a bit, he added, “And why do you feel the need to whisper it? No one's spying on us.”

“I... I don't know...” And I really didn't. The longer this conversation went on, the less I seemed to know about anything, the less anything seemed to make sense to me.

“No, maybe we can't _get married_ ,” he said, his voice louder on the last two words. “And you know what, yeah, that hurts. It hurts that I could never tell people how happy you make me. But you know what? It would be worth it, just to spend the rest of my life with you.”

He stood up and grabbed his shirt from where it had landed earlier, pulling it back over his head. We had only managed to get partially redressed; neither of us was in a hurry for our time together to end. But now it seemed one of us was... 

“Tay...” I said, unable to even bring myself to ask him to stay. I had a feeling that even if I had, he would have said no. Somehow, I had really, really fucked this up.

“But you want the path of least resistance, don't you?” He turned back to face me again. “No need to face your fears when you can just hide in a loveless marriage, and have your boyfriend on the side, right? Because I'm your brother, it means it _has_ to be secret, doesn't it?”

I could barely even stutter out a single syllable as I stared up at him. Maybe he was right. Hadn't that been part of the reason I was almost relieved to realize Jordan was actually Taylor? Because it meant I could still keep my sexuality a secret. But I would have still loved him no matter who he had turned out to be. Wouldn't I?

“Which means there's no reason for you to ever be honest about yourself, is there?” He asked. When I didn't reply, he repeated, louder, “Is there?”

“I... I guess not,” I finally admitted, frowning.

Taylor's rage seemed to fade for just a second. He stared down at me, pouting. “I'm... I'm the perfect excuse, aren't I?”

His lip shook and tears welled up in his eyes, and I wanted to do anything I could to keep him from crying. What could I say, though? He had pretty much hit the nail on the head. At that realization, I sniffled and said, "Tay... no... you're so much more than that.”

He didn't seem to buy it, though. He backed away slowly and shook his head. “I... I don't know, Zac.”

“Taylor...” I said, pulling myself to my feet. “Please don't do this...”

“What if,” he began, biting his lip. “What if we weren't brothers?”

It was such a simple question, but I knew it was an important one. How I answered could change everything. I knew that, but I still didn't know how to answer, at least aside from the obvious. “Then... then it wouldn't have to be secret, I guess.”

“Would you still be hiding, if you could actually be with me?” He took a few steps closer. “If you could actually be with... someone?”

“I... I don't know,” I replied honestly. I hadn't even thought about that, not really. I knew I had wanted to meet Jordan, but I had no clue what would happen if I did. I couldn't even picture it; me, openly gay and dating a guy. It seemed so foreign, so impossible.

Taylor's lip quivered, and he backed away from me again. I knew that was the wrong answer, but it was an honest one. Wasn't it good to be honest with him? And what about him, anyway? What would _he_ do if we weren't brothers?

“What about you, Tay?”

He looked at me in confusion. “Me?”

“I'm not the only one in the closet here, am I?” I knew it was a low blow, but I didn't care. I was tired of this entire conversation being about my flaws and shortcomings. I might have idolized him, but I _did_ know he wasn't perfect.

Taylor's eyes widened. “Really, Zac?”

“You're always saying how I'm not being honest... what about you?”

“What... about me?” He asked, his eyes shifting away from me. Clearly he didn't appreciate being questioned in the same way that he was questioning me, but I didn't care. In fact, that only made me more determined to make him answer for himself.

“How many people know you're bi, Tay? Two?”

His eyes narrowed. “You're really going to pull this, Zac?”

“I'm just saying...” I shrugged. It was nice to see that I was getting under his skin, though. If I had to be uncomfortable, so did he.

Taylor didn't say anything, though. He just clenched his jaw and pulled his cell phone out of his pocket. He stared straight at me as he dialed some number. I had no clue what he was doing, but I could guess. 

“Tay... what...”

“Hey, hun,” he said into the phone. “Listen... I know this is coming out of nowhere, but I've been doing something thinking.”

No. There was no way he was coming out to Natalie over the phone. It just... wasn't possible. Yet it was happening right in front of me. I stared at him, eyes wide, unable to speak or even move.

“I... I didn't want to do this over the phone. But I have to do it now, before I lose my nerve.” He sneered at me at the end, and I knew the last few words were more for my benefit than hers.

My jaw dropped. He really was doing it.

“Well, you know how you've been saying I've been.. unhappy?” Taylor paused for a second, presumably for Natalie's reply. “Yeah... well, I know why. I've actually known for a while.”

He took a deep breath and locked eyes with me. It felt like a punch to the gut.

“I'm bi,” he said. “No, I'm not joking. I almost wish I were.”

My lip quivered, tears threatening to spill out of my eyes. Taylor seemed so sure of himself, so unafraid of admitting that secret part of himself. Why couldn't I be the same way? Why couldn't it be that easy for me? I had wanted to tear him down and bring him to my level, but he had just proven, once again, that he was better than me.

“I know. Okay. I'll talk to you when I get home. Okay, bye.” With that, he ended the call and shoved his phone back in his pocket.

“Taylor... you...” I stuttered, too in shock to even form a real sentence.

“What?” He asked, his jaw still clenched tightly. “Want me to call Ike, too?”

“I didn't mean you... had to...” At least that was closer to an actual sentence, but I was still practically incoherent. 

“How about Mom and Dad?”

“Tay. No.”

His voice raised, he asked, “Why not, Zac? I'm not ashamed.”

“But you think I am,” I replied. 

“I don't know what to think, Zac,” he replied, his voice a little bit lower. “I just don't know.”

“I don't know either.” I trembled a little as I said it, tears still gathering in my eyes. I didn't think I was ashamed of my sexuality; it wasn't like I thought there was anything wrong with it. But that didn't mean the rest of the world would be okay with it. It was just... scary as hell to think about. 

“Now, to return to my previous question,” he said, stepping closer to me again. “Would you be so afraid, if you were dating someone you could actually be with?”

I could see Taylor's lip shaking, fearing the worst from my answer. The truth was, I didn't know. I didn't fucking know what I would do, because I thought I didn't have to worry about that. Not knowing what else to say, I said exactly that. “I... I don't know.”

“Maybe you should figure that out,” Taylor replied, his voice shaking. A tear fell from his eye as he turned to leave.

“Taylor... don't leave.”

It was absolutely the most cliche, pointless thing I could have said. But I just didn't have any more words. It seemed every word I did have was wrong, anyway. No matter how hard I tried to soothe his fears or be honest or do whatever I thought would fix this, he was still going to walk out on me.

He stopped, but didn't turn around. “Why?”

“Because I...” I couldn't think of a reason at all why he should stay, though. So I just said the only thing I was still sure of. “I do love you, you know.”

Taylor looked over his shoulder and met my eyes. He didn't even try to hide the fact that he was crying. Tears welled up in my own eyes and I didn't try to fight them, either. What was the point? He had obviously decided this was the end of _us_. No amount of tears from me would change that now, not once Taylor had made up his mind.

“I love you, too,” he said. “And I just want you to be happy.”

And with that, he was gone.


	6. Chapter 6

**Carrick**

How do I explain Zac Hanson? I've only known him for a few years, but he's already the best friend I've ever had. It's scary how alike we are, right down to the twisted sense of humor. He's just as crazy as he seems, if not more. But at the same time, he's so much more than that. And I feel really lucky that I've gotten to know the rest of him.

I met him at Fool's Banquet, the songwriting retreat him and his brothers hosted. Right from the get-go, we clicked. I could tell right away that we'd make a great team, and I was right. The song we wrote together was a really badass number, this guy telling this chick that basically he used her for sex, when she thought she was using him. It went a little beyond what Zac was used to, I think, but it was adorable seeing him out of his comfort zone.

That's right, adorable. The other thing I noticed right away was that he'd definitely grown up. I'd done my research, looked up videos of them when they'd first hit the scene, and let me tell you; as cute as a kid he was, he was no less easy on the eyes as an adult. He had this way of looking all sweet an innocent one second, and downright devious the next; the best part was, I don't think he was even aware of it. Which of course made it that much hotter.

But the best thing about Zac is how great a friend he is. He's been there for me at some of my lowest times, when no one else would listen; I've tried to be there for him just as much, and I like to think I've done a pretty good job. I can't really think of anyone who I care about as much. I know that no matter what's going on in my life, I can call him up, and he'll always answer. And he knows I'd do the same for him.

"Speak of the devil," I laughed as I picked up my ringing cell phone. "Yo?"

"Hey, Carrick. What's up?"

"Hey, Zac. How's it been?"

"Um, pretty good, I guess." Zac's voice seemed normal, mostly, but I picked up on a bit of a strain. 

"Yeah? How's the kids?" I started rolling a joint as I talked; something seemed off about Zac's mood, but I couldn't put my finger on what yet.

"They're good."

"Cool, cool. Haven't heard from ya in a while."

"Yeah... Well, we were on tour, you know, and then we've been busy... recording and stuff. The last few months have been pretty... hectic."

"Yeah, I bet," I laughed. I knew how the guys were when they recorded; they always set this ridiculously fast schedule, and tried like hell to stick to it. "I can't wait to hear the new stuff."

"How about a sneak preview?" Zac asked, and I perked up. "There's a catch, though."

"Ain't there always," I sighed, chuckling.

"You gotta come to Tulsa to hear it."

"Yeah?" I broke out in a grin at the thought of seeing Zac; it'd been a while since we hung out, and I missed the crazy bastard.

"I mean, if you wanna come visit..."

"Hey man, you don't have to ask me twice."

"That's great," Zac laughed, the relief obvious in his voice, and my spidey sense tingled.

"When do you want me to come out?" 

"Um, as soon as possible?" Zac laughed nervously. And there it was.

"Everything okay, man?"

"Yes..." Zac answered, not even the slightest bit convincingly. "No..." he finally admitted. I sighed heavily, checking my watch.

"I'll be there tonight."

"You... are amazing." The relief, gratitude, and appreciation in Zac's tone made me smile. He knew how much I cared, so was he really surprised?

"Yeah, yeah, I know," I sighed, and Zac laughed. "You better have some of that Tulsa bud ready for me, though."

"I'll try not to smoke it all before you get here," Zac said, laughing again. He already sounded better, and it made me proud to know I could lift his mood.

"You better not."

"I make no promises."

"Okay, well let me get going. I'll text you when I land, 'kay?" I stood up, tucking the joint in my stash box and starting to gather a few things.

"Carrick, seriously, man. You have know idea how much I appreciate this." Once again, the awe in his voice stopped me in my tracks.

"I know," I said softly. "It's cool. See you in a few."

"Alright, later."

I ran a hand through my hair, looking around my apartment for a moment. Yeah, I was dropping everything to fly across country at the drop of a hat. But Zac meant that much to me. I'd honestly do anything, go anywhere, if he needed me to. I smiled as I threw a few clothes in a suitcase, grabbing my guitar and jacket and heading out. Our friendship was deeper than any I'd ever had. I really loved him, and I knew deep down he felt the same.

Well, maybe not _exactly_ the same. But close enough.

 

**Zac**

It had been two days since Taylor walked out on me. The first day, I stayed in my studio and alternated between crying and sleeping. The next day, I woke up and tried to distract myself by painting all day. I couldn't bring myself to put away the Jordan painting, but I also couldn't bring myself to work on it.

About halfway through the day, I had to face the fact that I wasn't accomplishing anything, other than getting myself messy and crying all over the canvases. I had to do something. I knew that bottling everything up and hiding myself away from the world wasn't helping. Talking to someone would help, but who?

Carrick, of course.

He was the one person I could think of who I knew I could talk to about anything. So it came as no surprise that as soon as I hinted that I needed him, he was on the first flight to Tulsa. I tried to focus on a painting, any painting, while I waited the few short hours it would take him to arrive, but I was so anxious to see him that I still didn't accomplish a damn thing.

When he texted me that his flight hand landed, I went down to the main house – thankfully Kate was out grocery shopping – and paced the living room while I waited. Finally, when I thought my nerves couldn't take a second more waiting, a knock came at the door.

I practically ran to the door, flinging it open and smiling. “Carrick! Hey, man.”

“Hey!” He replied, pulling me into a hug. 

I didn't want to ever let him go. Sometimes I wondered if he even knew how much he meant to me. We didn't get to see each other that often, but he was still my best friend. “Seriously... thank you so much. I hope you didn't have to drop anything important to come out here for me.”

“Nah,” he replied with a smile. “You're more important. You know that.”

I returned his smile. It felt weird to smile again after the last few days. “Thanks...”

He glanced around the room. “So, where's the ol' battle axe?”

“Out. Thank god,” I said, then realized how bad that sounded and tried to play it off with a laugh. “I mean, uh...”

Carrick's eyes widened, but then he smirked. I loved that smirk; it was practically a permanent fixture on his face and it was just so... so _Carrick_.

“But uh, let's go out to the garage... I've got a little art studio out there now. Absolutely no chance of running into the 'battle axe' there.”

“Sure,” Carrick replied, laughing, and followed my lead into the kitchen and through the door that lead to the garage.

I lead him up the stairs, opened the door and ushered him into my home not-so-far-away from home. “So... yeah. My studio.”

He looked around, nodding his approval. “Pretty sweet.”

“Couch, fridge, secret stash, paintings...” I rattled off with a laugh, pointing to each thing as I named it.

Carrick returned my laugh and glanced at the paintings for a moment. My breath caught in my throat, afraid that he would ask about the Jordan painting. I didn't even know how to explain that to him; I hadn't really planned how to tell him about Jordan, but I knew I definitely wasn't telling him that Jordan was Taylor. Thankfully, he didn't ask about it; instead, he took a seat on the couch and looked perfectly at home already.

“I could basically live out here,” I added, taking a seat next to him and sighing.

Carrick eyed me critically and replied, “Yeah... looks like it.”

His stare made me feel really self conscious. The room was a mess, with paint and empty soda cans scattered all around, and I probably looked like absolute shit. I looked down, frowning at my old clothes, and scratched at a splotch of dried paint of my arm. “Yeah...”

He took a breath, like he was preparing himself for something big and unpleasant, and slung his arm over the back of the couch. “So what's up, man? Talk to me.”

I could see concern written all over his face, and it only made me dread this conversation even more. “It's uh... it's a long story.”

“I got time,” he said, smirking. “Tell ya what. You talk, I'll roll?”

“Sounds good,” I said with a smile. I walked over to my box of paints and pulled out a baggie that I hoped was up to his standards. I sat back down on the couch and tossed the baggie into his lap. 

Carrick took a whiff of it and smiled, then pulled a pack of papers out of his pocket. I wondered if he had flown here with those in his pocket the whole way, but I didn't ask. He started rolling, not even glancing up at me as he said, “So, spill.”

“Well, let's see. Where to start...” I said, genuinely struggling to find the right spot to begin my awful story. A smirk crossed my face as I finally found the spot. “So, the old battle axe...”

Carrick laughed lightly. “Yeah? She still on your case?”

“Always,” I replied, and his eye roll did not pass me by.

“I don't know how you put up with that shit...”

I was beginning to wonder exactly that myself. Even though I hated having it pointed out to me the way that Taylor had, I knew all the things he said about her were right. Knowing it and actually acknowledging it out loud were two different things, though, but I thought it was time to do the latter.

“It's uh, recently come to my attention that she's a gigantic cunt. I think I'm the last person to notice.”

Carrick's eyes widened. “You're kidding, right?”

“Not really,” I replied, my face as serious as I could manage – which, really, wasn't easy when Carrick was around.

“Zac...” he said, his face softening. He rested his hand gently on my shoulder. “Hey man, I'm sorry.”

That little touch was enough to put me at ease. I could tell Carrick anything; I knew that. Well, maybe not the fact that I had fucked my brother. But anything else? Definitely. Giving him a little glance to let him know I was okay, I asked, “Did I ever tell you she dated Ike first?”

He looked away. “I'd... heard.”

“Really.” It wasn't even a question, considering how deadpan my tone was. How many people knew what she was like, but hadn't felt the need to tell me?

“Yeah, Ike told me. Ages ago.”

“Oh,” I replied. That made sense, but I still didn't like it. “Interesting.”

Carrick gave me a curious look. “You... you did know, right?”

“Yeah, of course I knew,” I said, then added, “about her and Ike.”

It was time, I supposed. Time to dive into the really nasty bits of the story. I wasn't really sure how Carrick would react. His dislike of Kate was about as obvious as Taylor's, but I always figured part of it was because she wasn't his biggest fan either. Somehow, I could tolerate it when Carrick insulted her. Maybe because he usually turned it into a joke, like almost everything else he said. I didn't think he would find much to joke about after I told him everything, though.

“Did Taylor tell you she went after him, too?”

He blinked. “She... what?”

“Apparently,” I replied.

He blinked again. Had I finally found a way to shock Carrick? I wasn't sure it was even possible. “Wooow...”

“After Tay was already dating Natalie, too,” I added.

“Holy shit,” Carrick said, laughing.

“I guess... I dunno, I guess I was still with Marion then,” I said, then shrugged. “I had no clue. Like I said, I think I'm the last person in the world to notice what a cunt she is.”

He shook his head, gave the joint a lick to seal it, then handed it to me. “Well.. I guess knowing's better than not?”

I shrugged again. “I suppose. Still haven't confronted her about it.”

I tucked the joint between my lips and fished through the couch cushions for a lighter. It took a second, but finally my fingers closed around one and I used it to light up. I took a nice, long hit, while I waited for Carrick to say something else.

When I finally exhaled and opened my eyes, I saw him staring at me with sad eyes. “That's rough, man.”

I shrugged again, and passed him the joint. It was rough, I supposed, but it was really the least of my concerns. On a scale of one to Taylor-breaking-up-with-me, Kate's bitchiness ranked pretty low.

“So, how'd you find that out?” He asked, taking a hit.

“Taylor told me, actually,” I replied. I could tell by Carrick's expression that he was confused, and I started grasping for straws, trying to find anything to make that make more sense. “We were... talking about our marriages...”

“And he just... told you that? Kind of a douche move, don't ya think?”

Well, he said it. Not me. With a little snort, I replied, “Taylor doesn't really have any other kind of moves.”

“C'mon, Zac,” he replied with a smirk. “You guys are like... bffs.”

“Not lately,” I said, accepting the joint that he finally saw fit to pass back.

“What happened?”

“We've both been pretty... stressed out about stuff.” It was my stock answer for questions related to Taylor or the Jordan situation. Carrick probably wouldn't buy it, but I took another hit to buy myself time before I had to answer him again.

“I just love how direct you are, Zac,” he said, smirking yet again. “Always straight to the point. No pussyfooting around.”

He actually winked at that, and I laughed. “Yeah... well, it's not my place to tell you what's going on with Tay's marriage...”

Carrick shrugged. I couldn't tell if he was implying that he didn't care about the Taylor gossip, or if he was giving me the go ahead to talk about it. I decided it was the latter. 

“But... oh well,” I said with a laugh, which caused Carrick to raise an eyebrow. “I mean, you can keep a secret, right?”

He gave me a look that I'm pretty sure was meant to say “really?” It was a dumb question, after all. With a smirk, he said, “Dude...”

“Yeah, yeah. I know,” I said, laughing. Seeing no reason to delay any further, I lowered my voice a bit. “So, I guess Tay and Nat are, uh... probably gonna get a divorce.”

“No shit,” Carrick replied, his eyes widening.

“Yeah...”

He let out a breath. “What happened? I thought they were like... the perfect couple or some shit?”

“Yeah, more like some shit,” I said, laughing. “I dunno, I guess they're just 'more like friends' now.”

“Huh,” Carrick replied, looking deep in thought, like he was really trying to digest this new information.

“I mean, it's not like...” I began, recalling everything that I now knew about Taylor and his marriage. “Well, I guess Tay made the best of the situation, you know?”

Carrick leaned his head back against the couch. “Yeah, I guess so...”

“They were so young, you know?” I thought about that for a second, then laughed. “Not like I was that much older when I got married, but...”

Carrick gave me a pointed look. “Dude, you started dating her before your voice changed.”

I frowned. Hadn't I said almost exactly that to Taylor just a few days ago? Carrick was wrong, though, and there was no way I wasn't going to correct him. “It was _changing_. It just wasn't done yet.”

He laughed lightly. “Okay, tiger...”

“And I didn't get her knocked up when she was still in high school. So there's that, too,” I pointed out.

He nodded and took another hit. “Yeah, that's definitely a plus.”

I shrugged, then decided to take a chance and admit something I'd never told him. “Waiting was her idea, though.”

Carrick snorted. He fucking snorted. Was it really that funny that I had been a virgin when I got married? I was beginning to dread telling him all the other details of my sex life that would no doubt come into play at some point in this conversation. 

Pouting, I asked, “What?”

“How'd that work out for ya?”

I felt my face heating up, and I hated myself for it. Of course I would blush at the vaguest mention of sex. “Umm...”

He smirked and I didn't find it all that endearing anymore.

“Are you seriously asking me what that bitch is like in bed?”

“Not really,” he replied with a shrug. “Just asking if it was worth it, tying yourself to the first tail you got.”

I snorted, both at the way he phrased that and at the thought of everything I could tell him if I could ever stop blushing. “Man, just stay in Tulsa a little longer and you'll hear all the gossip about it.”

“Zac?” He asked, giving me a concerned look.

“Yeah?”

“Seriously, man. You're like, way tense.”

“Well, if you'd quit parking on the grass,” I replied, motioning to the joint he still had between his fingers. I was deflecting, yes, but he was letting my weed go to waste. Not cool.

“Sorry, dude.” He laughed sheepishly and handed the joint over.

“It's alright,” I replied, taking a nice long hit and leaning my head back against the couch. I glanced up just long enough to hold the joint out in his general direction.

“Keep it,” he replied. “I'll roll up the next one.”

“Alright,” I said, slowly exhaling the last hit.

“You look like you could use it,” he remarked, eyeing me again.

“You can say that again,” I replied. As if to prove my point, I took another long hit and held it in as long as I could before exhaling.

Carrick shook his head slightly. “What the hell am I gonna do with you, huh?”

“I dunno, man,” I replied, laughing. “So... yeah, I guess Kate has a habit of blabbing about our sex life.”

“Ouch,” he said, wincing.

“And Natalie can't keep her mouth shut either, so...”

“Oh wow...” Looking me in the eyes, he added, “Dude, I'm really sorry... that fucking blows.”

“Yeah...” I replied, feeling my face heating up even as I just thought about what I was going to say next. “And uh, well...”

And that's when I chickened out. I shoved the joint back in my mouth and took a long hit. It's pretty hard to talk, at least intelligibly, with a joint between your lips and your lungs full of smoke. Seemed like the perfect delaying tactic, but I could still feel Carrick's eyes on me, not pleading with me, just waiting. Finally, I exhaled.

“Let's just say... the sex is nothing to write home about it,” I said, glancing away as I felt my face turn bright red.

“I hear ya,” Carrick replied. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see him nodding, as thought somehow he understood what I say telling him.

I glanced back at him and raised an eyebrow. “Sure...”

“But hey, at least you're getting some,” he said, smirking. 

“Umm,” I stuttered out. I thought he was following my train of thought, but evidently not. I was going to have to spell all of this out for him. Great.

He blinked. “Don't tell me the bitch is holding out on you.”

I coughed and sputtered, not expecting that at all. “Umm... no. No more than she ever has, anyway.”

“Zac...” He raised an eyebrow. “Why do I get the feeling you're holding out on me?”

“Probably because I am,” I said, letting out a nervous laugh. “I said it was a long story.”

Carrick scooted closer and put an arm around my shoulders. His voice soft, he said, “Hey... you know you can tell me anything.”

He might have thought that was true. And maybe it was, but I wasn't about to test the limits of what he could and couldn't handle hearing from me. But maybe there were a few key details I could tell him.

 

**Carrick**

"I care about you, Zac. I just hate seeing you like this." I looked at Zac, giving his shoulders a squeeze. It really did hurt seeing him so upset. I knew his marriage wasn't a happy one, but it wasn't my place to judge; but it was hard not to, seeing my best friend so distraught.

"I really, really appreciate that," Zac said, smiling weakly. "You know I suck at talking about shit like this, though." We both laughed, and I nodded. Zac had never really been the talk-about-our-feelings kind of guy. I understood, but I also knew how dangerous bottling things up could be.

"Well, I'm not gonna push. Just whenever you're ready to talk, I'll listen." I rubbed Zac's back, smiling as he leaned into my touch. I was glad I could help him relax a little, one way or another.

"Well, since half of Tulsa already knows... Kate and I... haven't had sex in a long time." Zac paused, and I stopped my hand, unsure where he was going. "And, uh... Well it all kind of started, or stopped, this one night."

"Yeah?" I gently nudged, rubbing his back again, slower. Zac never really talked about his sex life, other than joking around, but it was obvious that this was important.

"I couldn't... get the job done," he said softly. "Hell, I couldn't get the job _started_."

"...Oh." Zac's meaning slowly hit me, and my hand stopped again, on his lower back. "Maybe you just weren't into it?" I suggested, smiling weakly. Zac laughed loudly, and I raised an eyebrow.

"Oh you could definitely say that." Zac fell quiet for a moment, the humor falling from his face. "I mean, we'd never had that problem before. It's not like I just can't get it up at all." Zac's cheeks turned pink, and a thought occurred to me.

"But... not for Kate?" I asked. Zac looked down, hesitating before shaking his head. "Oh, Zac. Maybe... I mean, it could just be..."

"What?" Zac asked, his eyes pleading for an explanation. I wished I had an easy answer for him, but something told me he'd already found one.

"Is it just Kate? Like, does she just not do it for you anymore?"

"Well, that's part of the problem, I guess." Zac paused, and I nodded, trying to encourage him to continue. "It's... I mean, like you said, I never gave myself a chance to... to be with anyone else." Zac looked down again, and I nodded, rubbing his back again. I was starting to see the path we were on, and his entire mood seemed to make more sense.

"Kinda hard to know what you want if you don't give yourself a chance."

"Yeah," Zac agreed, laughing softly. It was a sad sort of laugh, one more of acceptance than humor.

"We've got all night, Zac." I wasn't entirely sure what I meant by that, but Zac nodded anyway.

"I know," he sighed. "Hell, what's another night after twenty-six years, anyway?"

"You want that other joint?"

"Yeah."

"Okay." I reached over and grabbed it from the table, holding it out to Zac. He took it, lighting it and inhaling deeply. I smiled at him, taking my own hit, watching him carefully.

"Feeling better?" I asked as I exhaled.

"Yeah," he nodded, taking another hit. "Kinda makes you wonder why I've stuck with Kate so long, huh? Since she's such a cunt."

"Yeah, but you've got a family with her," I answered, shrugging. "I get it, wanting to stick together for the kids."

"Now I do. But I mean before that." Zac paused, and I eyed him, curious about this new train of thought. "I mean, looking back... She was a bitch when we were teenagers, too."

"I know you, though," I said, smiling. Zac raised an eyebrow, and I smirked, explaining, "When you put your heart into something, you don't back down. Music, art... relationships. It's all the same." It was that dedication, that conviction, that was one of my favorite things about him.

"I am a stubborn motherfucker, it's true," Zac laughed. "But the thing about Kate..." Zac trailed off, and I leaned back on the couch, one hand still on his back. It was my subtle way of letting know I was still there, still comforting him, and we'd known each other long enough for me to know he understood that.

"I guess I was... afraid, you know? Didn't think I'd ever find anyone else." That got my attention, and I blinked at him curiously.

"Zac, you were, what... fifteen? A little young to give up hope, don't you think?" I smirked at him, but I knew it wasn't reaching my eyes. I'd always known Zac had a bit of a self-esteem issue, but hearing that made me worry that it was worse than I'd thought.

"I'm not sure I really had hope to begin with," Zac said quietly. I sat up, frowning. 

"Zac..." I looked at him, seeing the insecure boy behind the front he put up so well around everyone else. I ran a hand through my hair, unsure how to help. "You gonna hit that, or what?" I asked, motioning to the still burning joint between Zac's fingers.

"Oh yeah," he laughed nervously, taking a small hit before passing it to me. Our fingers brushed slightly, and I saw Zac tremble at the contact. I watched his eyes closely as I killed the joint, stubbing it out in the ashtray. When I leaned against the couch again, I made sure to be slightly closer to him, curious what he would do.

"Carrick, I, um..." Zac stammered; it was adorable as ever, seeing him all flustered and embarrassed. I had to admit that I'd done or said things over the years, on occasion, just to get a reaction from him. I smiled at him innocently, waiting for him to continue.

"Well the thing is..." He sighed heavily again, his eyes shifting. "I mean, I know why... why that happened, with Kate." 

"Mhm," I murmured, leaning a tiny bit closer and barely touching Zac's hair. He was circling the truth now, and I waited patiently, and more than a little amused, for him to finally get there. "Whenever you're ready, Zac. No pressure."

"I mean, I've never really been that excited, about sex with her." Zac looked down, not seeing the tiny smirk I was trying to hide. I'd had my suspicions about Zac for a while, but they were never based on anything more than a hunch. Until now.

"And I made plenty of excuses for it. But, it's not really her. It wouldn't matter if she wasn't a cunt," Zac chuckled. "The problem... is me."

"Problem?" I asked quietly. I hoped he didn't see it as a problem.

"Well, it's not really a problem, I guess. At least, I'm starting to see that it's not," Zac explained, and I nodded, smiling. "That there's... nothing wrong with me."

"Never thought there was," I said softly, moving another tiny bit closer. Zac laughed softly, and I went back to rubbing his back; he sighed, leaning into my touch again. 

"It's just... It would be the same problem with..." Zac lowered his voice to a whisper, and I felt myself hanging on his words. "...any woman."

Finally.

I nodded; Zac looked at me, blinking, obviously surprised at my lack of reaction.

"Um, you don't seem... Nevermind." 

"What, Zac?" I tried to keep the amusement out of my voice, but I wasn't sure how good a job I did.

"You just don't seem... surprised. By anything I've said so far."

"Should I be?" I asked with a shrug, and Zac blinked again.

"Well... probably?"

"Sorry to disappoint." The smirk I'd been trying to suppress broke through, but fell when Zac frowned. "Sorry. I mean, it's not like I knew. I just... It makes sense, when I think about our friendship." That got Zac's attention, and his eyes went wide.

"What about it?!" Zac almost screeched, shock painted all over his face. I couldn't help laughing a bit, not very surprised that he'd never picked up on the less-than-platonic undertones of our entire relationship.

"You're cute when you're oblivious, Zac."


	7. Chapter 7

**Zac**

There was no possible way I had heard him right. Carrick did not just call me cute. Did he?

He leaned closer and said, “Cute.”

He did. He called me _cute_. I was starting to put two and two together in my mind, but I still wasn't sure. I didn't want to assume anything about him. Trembling a little, I said, “Carrick?”

“Yeah?” He replied, his eyes sweeping up and down me. If I didn't know better-–and I wasn't so sure I did anymore-–I would have thought he was checking me out. But maybe he was.

“You... are you... umm...” I stuttered out, hoping those few words were enough for him to know what I was asking.

Carrick raised an eyebrow. “Equal opportunity?”

I nodded. “You could put it that way, I guess.”

“I usually do,” he replied.

“I had no idea,” I admitted. I thought back to the day when I had assured Taylor that Carrick and I couldn't be together because Carrick wasn't into dudes. Apparently, I really needed to see about getting my gaydar fixed.

He smirked. “I know.”

“I feel like that might have been nice to know.”

“Would it have made a difference?” Carrick asked. “Not knowing didn't stop you from flirting with me... whether you knew you were doing it or not.”

“I... I wasn't... oh, for fuck's sake.” I felt myself blushing and hid my face in my hands. Had I really flirted with him without even knowing I was doing it? How fucking oblivious could one person be?

Carrick laughed, which didn't make me feel even the tiniest bit better, but the way he rubbed my back a little harder did. “What am I gonna do with you...”

“I really...” I began, looking up but not meeting his eyes. “Really wasn't trying to flirt with you. If anything, I was trying not to...”

Carrick nodded. “That's why I played it cool.”

“I swear to god, someday I will say something, anything, that surprises you.”

“Sure you will, kid,” he said, laughing lightly.

I returned his laugh, a little nervously. I could _definitely_ say a few things that would surprise him, but I really, really didn't want to. Surely there had to be a limit to what even Carrick could accept, and surely fucking my brother would cross that line.

“Anywho, that's why I played it cool,” he said, giving me a wink. “Didn't wanna scare you off.”

“So, you knew I was... gay?” I asked, forcing a weak smile.

Carrick seemed to give this serious consideration for a moment. Finally, he replied, “I didn't _know_ know. More like a hunch.”

“And you couldn't have let me know?” I laughed a little at that. If only it was really that simple; but then, it kind of was. Wasn't that basically what Taylor did?

Carrick laughed. “Dude, you would have knocked me out.”

“Yeah, that's true,” I replied. It wasn't pleasant to admit, but I knew he was right. 

“So... now you know, huh?”

“Yeah,” I replied, nodding slowly.

“How's it feel?” For all his jokes, Carrick really was a good friend. No one really ever got more than a tiny glimpse of his serious side, but his concern came out in direct little questions like that. 

“Really good, actually,” I replied honestly. “Things just make more sense now. It's kinda nice to tell someone, too..”

I deliberately left out the fact that one other person knew. I did want to tell him about that somehow, but I had a feeling it would take me a while to work up the courage to talk about it. Besides, coming out to Carrick was totally different than how I had accidentally come out to Taylor. This was on my own terms, and it felt really nice that way.

Carrick gave me a smile, still rubbing my back slowly. “I'm honored that you told me, Zac. It means a lot to me.”

“I'm glad you took it so well,” I replied, returning his smile. “I've been scared shitless about admitting it.”

He nodded. “It can be scary as hell.”

“I mean, I denied it and fought it for so long... years...” I admitted. “Since before Kate.”

“Yeah?”

“I just had a feeling back then,” I explained. “Something wasn't right, you know? But I ignored it. And it... it was never a problem again. Not for a long time.”

Carrick sighed. Had I said the wrong thing? I didn't think so. I supposed it just upset him to know how long I had hidden from myself. Everyone else – well, Taylor and Carrick – seemed so bothered by it, but it was just normal to me. 

“I didn't even...” I began, shocked at myself for even considering admitting this. But he had already called me cute. So what could it hurt? Softly, I continued, “I didn't even think about another guy, like that, for years. Not until after I was married.”

“Anyone in particular you didn't think about?” He asked, smirking.

I blushed and looked away. So he had caught my meaning. “Maybe...”

Even without looking at him, I could tell that he was trying not to laugh. As long as he kept stroking my hair like that, I didn't mind at all. “Anyone I know?”

I let out the tiniest purr, but tensed up as soon as I heard myself. “Umm, I...”

Carrick laughed softly. “You really are just too cute, Zac Hanson.”

“Am I?” I asked, blushing more, and finally turning back to look at him.

He looked me right in the eyes. “Yes. You are.”

“You're uh...” I said, smiling. “Not too bad, either.”

“I try,” he replied, winking.

I laughed. Was this the flirting he had talked about? It felt like flirting. And I had to admit, it felt nice. Carrick just put me at ease in a way that no one else ever did. Which is why I felt okay admitting the truth to him. “And uh, yeah... I think you might know that guy I wasn't thinking about...”

“Mhm, that so?” He smirked.

“Yeah,” I replied, nodding. “Apparently I wasn't very good at hiding it. Flirted with him all the time, or so I'm told.”

He leaned in closer, his hand still in my hair. “Yeah, well, if he flirted back, he must not have minded.”

“I guess not,” I replied. “He's pretty awesome like that.”

“He's not the only one,” Carrick said with a smile. He leaned in closer still, our faces barely a foot apart.

I felt myself blushing again. “I'm nothing special.”

Carrick slapped my head playfully.

“Hey!' It didn't hurt, but I still pouted. 

“Learn to take a fucking compliment, dude.” He laughed.

“I'm trying,” I admitted. “It's a problem I have.”

“Well maybe you just need someone to do it more often...” he suggested, his eyebrow twitching a little. I wasn't sure exactly where the innuendo was in that, but that little movement suggested that there was one and it made me giggle.

“Maybe I do.”

Carrick looked me up and down again. Yeah, he was definitely checking me out, and I had to admit, I liked it. I still felt myself tremble a little under his gaze, though, but it was more from anticipation and excitement than anything else. He gave me a smirk. “Still waiting on that surprise, you know...”

I let out a nervous laugh. “That sounds like a challenge.”

Carrick raised an eyebrow, and suddenly I was second guessing myself. What if he just thought flirting with me was fun? Sure, he said I was cute and he _was_ bi. But that didn't necessarily mean that he wanted me too, did it? I was a little scared of what he might do if I tried something and he didn't actually want it.

I looked him up and down the way he had me, and bit my lip. “I, umm...”

“Yeah?”

“Umm...” I stared at him, smirking a little. He hadn't backed away yet, so that had to be a good sign.

When he gave me a smile, my fears faded a little. Before I had time to doubt myself again, I pounced on him and kissed him as hard as I could. I could feel him laughing against my lips, but he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me back. It seemed he was still one step ahead of me.

I pulled back and pouted. “You're still not surprised, are you?”

“Sorry, Zac,” he replied, smirking. “I can read you like a billboard.”

My pout grew bigger. “Well, that's no fun.”

Carrick's smile fell. “That's not... the only reason you did that, is it?”

“No... of course not...” I replied. And it wasn't. I did like the challenge of trying to surprise him, trying to, in some weird way, prove myself to him. But I had imagined that kiss for years – and, not surprisingly, the reality of it was far better than what I dreamed up.

“'Cause that wouldn't be cool...” Carrick added. He almost seemed genuinely hurt -- almost, because I didn't think anything ever ruined his good mood. 

“No, Carrick. I just go around kissing guys just to surprise them,” I replied, smirking.

That did the trick. In an instant, his smirk was back. “Smart ass...”

“Yeah, so?” I grinned.

He leaned in closer. “Smart _and_ hot...”

And with that, the blushing and trembling were back. 

Carrick chuckled. “And fucking adorable.”

“You think shameless flattery is gonna get you into my pants?” I asked, giggling.

“Maybe,” he said, raising an eyebrow. “Is it working so far?”

“Absolutely.” I grinned as I said it, even though inside I was an absolute mess. Where had I learned to flirt and be assertive like that? It seemed Carrick just brought that out in me. 

“Good,” he replied with a nod, then leaned closer still. “I did hear you purr, didn't I?”

“Maybe...” I blushed a little as I admitted it.

Carrick ran his fingers through my hair. He was an observant guy, after all, so of course he had picked up on that little trick of mine. On cue, I let out a little purr. He chuckled and cupped my cheek with his other hand. That little motion forced me to look him in the eyes, and I was surprised by the sincerity that I saw. 

“You gotta make this choice, Zac. I'm not making it for you.”

 

**Carrick**

"What... what do you mean?" Zac trembled a bit, and I felt my protective side flare up a bit. I shrugged a bit, offering a smile to hopefully ease his fears.

"Whatever you want it to mean." I cared about Zac way too much to risk losing him as a friend, especially over one little kiss. Zac just stared blankly at me, though; as much as I loved the kid, sometimes he could be so dense.

"I just mean, you're still warming up to this," I explained. "I'm not going to screw it up by pushing you to do anything you're not ready for."

"Oh... _Oh_." Zac finally caught up, biting his lip; slow, but not stupid. "Carrick... It's possible I still haven't been entirely honest with you."

"Yeah?" I wasn't surprised; Zac was the kind of guy you had to be patient with. He'd open up to you eventually, but he'd take his sweet time doing it. I'd learned long ago that the best way to get him to talk was just to sit back, smirk, and let him get warmed up. And weed never hurt, either.

"Well how do you think I realized I was gay, anyway?" That got my attention. "I mean, it's not just a hypothesis at this point." 

I pulled back a bit, my eyes going wide and my smirk growing. The dog.

"Really."

"I was... with this guy... for a while."

"Well." I let out a breath; so little Zaccy found himself a man? "Congrats, you've surprised me."

"Really? _That's_ what surprises you?" Zac asked, laughing.

"Well no offense, but you didn't strike me as the 'go out and get myself a boyfriend' type." Zac wasn't the “go out and get myself _anything_ ” type, other than food and video games, but especially when it came to social interaction. The fact that we'd hit it off was mostly thanks to my “complete disregard for personal space”, as Taylor had called it once.

"Yeah, it kind of surprised me too," Zac chuckled. I leaned back against the couch again, the smirk returning. Well, it never really left, but it went back to its neutral, non-surprised state. 

"That's cool, though. He makes you happy?" As long as Zac was happy, I was happy. But Zac didn't look happy. 

"He... did." Zac frowned, his entire body losing its energy. Suddenly everything clicked, and the protective side flared up again. 

"You... didn't call me because you were upset about Kate, did you?" 

Zac looked down, finally shaking his head, and I had the sudden urge to find this guy and hurt him. Bad.

"Oh, Zac..." I settled for pulling him into a hug, rubbing his back slowly.

"He, um... broke it off." Zac's eyes watered a bit, and I sighed.

"I'm sorry." It was a shitty response, but it was the only one available.

"It's not your fault."

"Do you want to talk about it?" I reached up to stroke Zac's hair; it was something he'd mentioned liking, and right then I wanted to make him feel good, whatever it took.

"Not really."

"Okay." I had a feeling Zac did want to talk, but I wasn't going to push. As upset as he seemed, it must have been bad, and recent. But sure enough, a minute later he sighed, opening up.

"He... didn't think I was serious about it, I guess. Serious about him."

"Were you?" It was a simple question, but at the same time, not. This was the way to get Zac to talk; gentle pushes, letting him lead the way. Sometimes I wondered if he knew how well I understood how to play his strings.

"I thought I was..." Zac trailed off, sounding not entirely sure. I pulled back to look at him better, watching his eyes carefully. Zac's eyes were so expressive; they almost always gave him away, no matter how hard he tried to hide his real feelings. Or maybe I just knew him deeply enough to see through it.

"You thought?"

"I don't know. I'm a coward. I didn't want to... to come out."

"And? Who says you have to?"

"Well, he kind of did."

...What.

"He broke up with you because you weren't ready to come out? Fucking asshole." That slight urge to hurt was now a full-blown desire to maim.

"It's a little more complicated than that," Zac added. "I can't really explain it." I nodded slowly; I wasn't sure what Zac was getting at, but I trusted he'd get to it eventually.

"I'm just... really confused. Not about..." Zac laughed a bit, trailing off shyly. "I'm definitely gay. But maybe... Maybe I shouldn't cling to the first guy who'll have me, either." Zac smirked, his eyes suggesting an entirely different mood.

And with that, my mind went... places.

"I was gonna say... Might be a good idea to see your options." I smirked wider, leaning closer. I was seeing Zac in a whole new light; well honestly, I'd always seen him that way. But now Zac wasn't quite as oblivious as he'd always been. "Play the field a bit."

"I think that's... a great idea," Zac replied, nodding. I brushed my fingers against his cheek, loving the way he trembled at the touch. As well as I knew him, I'd always figured I'd know exactly how to turn him on, what buttons to press; only one way to find out.

"Carrick..." The way he sighed my name, almost begging, was equally adorable, and a major turn-on.

"Yeah, Zac?"

"Kiss me."

That was all the encouragement I needed; I nodded once, closing the gap to press our lips together. Apparently it wasn't enough, because a moment later Zac was kissing me back with force, one hand tangling in my hair. I moaned, but laughed a bit inwardly; Zac never did anything half-assed, so I wasn't all that surprised. I matched his enthusiasm, gripping his hair in one hand and his waist with the other. Almost as soon as my hand touched his hair he pulled back, and purred.

The boy _purred_.

"I can't decide if that's adorable, or sexy as fuck."

"Why choose?" Zac laughed, a bit breathless in a totally sexy-as-fuck way. I laughed back, grabbing him and pulling him in for another kiss. I'd imagined this countless times, but as always, the imagination paled in comparison to the real deal. I kissed him hungrily, already growing addicted to the taste of his lips. 

Zac moaned against my mouth, his tongue brushing my lips, and I didn't hesitate to let him in. He tasted like weed and soda, a strange combination, but totally Zac, and I lapped it up like a starving man. My hands started to wander, the one on his waist going under his shirt; I'd always wondered if his skin was as soft as it looked. Turned out it was softer.

I pulled back just long enough to tug his tee shirt over his head, taking note of the way he blushed when I looked him over. Lips crashed together again, and I leaned Zac back against the couch, moving to his neck; the way he moaned and dug his nails into my back let me know I was on the right track. I couldn't help chuckling at his eagerness, how obviously he wanted this.

"Something funny?" Zac asked, one eyebrow raised. I shrugged, biting his shoulder; he responded by gasping, his back arching, and I made a mental note to try that other places. "God, Carrick..."

"Nice to know your opinion of me is so high," I joked, winking at him. It was corny, sure, but I'd never been one to take sex all that seriously. Not that it didn't matter, but I never understood the need for it to be all somber and, well, serious. Zac laughed, though; it was good to know he felt he could still be himself around me. Just a less-dressed, hornier version.

My wandering hands kept moving, rubbing up and down his chest; I loved how smooth it was, how soft. I kissed him again as my hands parted ways, one going north to his hair, the other heading south to grip his thigh. He purred again, rolling his hips up; what little resolve I had slipped, and I slid my body over his, gripping his hip as I ground against him, drawing another delicious moan from his lips. 

"Carrick... fuck."

"Already?" I chuckled. "Someone's an eager beaver." The thought had definitely crossed my mind; or rather, planted itself there somewhere halfway through the first day at Fool's Banquet. But thinking something, and expecting it to happen, were two different things. Zac blushed, catching my meaning, but failing to deny the implication. Interesting.

My mouth found his again, my hips grinding against his; his nails dragged down my back, not enough to hurt but enough to make me moan. He tugged at my tank top, pulling it up; I sat up just long enough to peel it off, pausing to stare down at him. He bit his lip nervously, and I hesitated.

"You sure you're okay with this? No pressure if you're not." I smiled reassuringly; as much as I didn't want him to stop, I wasn't going to hold this against him if he changed his mind.

"I'm... I'm definitely okay with it." Even though his voice faltered a bit, his eyes gave him away again; I didn't need to ask again.

"You sure?" I didn't _need_ to ask; but a little teasing never hurt, as I slowly rolled my hips against his.

"Fuck... Yes I'm sure, you bastard." 

I laughed again, leaning down to kiss Zac hard. He grabbed my hips, pulling me even closer; I snaked one hand between us, gripping his dick through his jeans. I'd always wondered, guessing by the bulge in his jeans, but now I'd know.

"Damn, boy. Been holding out on me?"

"I guess you could say that," Zac giggled, blushing. I leaned down and bit his lip, drawing another moan from him as I stroked him through the denim, laughing lightly against his neck as he cursed. 

"You keep laughing at me... Not really good for a guy's ego, ya know," Zac breathed in between moans.

"Aww, poor baby," I teased. Zac pouted adorably, and I planted a sweet kiss on his lips. "You know I tease ya 'cause I love ya, dumbass."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," Zac said, smiling. 

"And I know you can take it," I added, gripping him tighter and smirking.

"Oh I can definitely take it," Zac shot back, wiggling his eyebrows at me. I looked him up and down, my mind racing with thoughts of him _taking_ it.

"Oh yeah?" I whispered against his mouth. "You sure you can take it?" 

"Oh yeah... Definitely." Zac nodded, but I caught the way he trembled.

"Well then?" I asked, laughing a bit. I leaned back against the couch, letting out a breath. I was curious what Zac would do if handed the reins. I threw him a wink for good measure, waiting for him to make the next move.

"Prove it, Kid." 

 

**Zac**

I looked Carrick up and down, still in disbelief that this was actually happening. Carrick was so different than Taylor, but at that moment, different was exactly what I needed. So if he wanted me to be a little more aggressive and show him what I could do, then I would.

With that thought in mind, I crawled up on top of him and kissed my way down his chest. He sighed happily, and I paused for a second to see if any snarky comments were coming. When he didn't say anything, I decided I was doing pretty good. Feeling encouraged, I kissed and nibbled at his hip as my hand crept to the bulge in his jeans. That earned me a moan; was I that good or he was just that easy to please? Either way, I knew I had to keep going. I quickly unbuttoned and unzipped his jeans, and slid both them and his briefs down.

He lifted his hips to help me pull his pants and underwear down, and I glanced up to see his eyes on me. When he realized I was staring right at him, he licked his lips and gave me a little smirk. I wasn't sure if that was a hint or not, but either way, I returned his smirk and kept my eyes trained on his as I leaned down to swirl my tongue around the head of his dick.

“Fuck...” Carrick gasped out, his eyes closing halfway.

I chucked softly. “Yeah?”

“Shut up and suck,” he said, winking at me as he placed his hand firmly on my head.

“Don't have to tell me twice,” I replied, laughing, then sucking him into my mouth all at once. He wasn't quite as big as Taylor, so it wasn't exactly a challenge, but that was fine by me. 

“Fuck, Zac.” He gripped my hair hard, throwing his head back against the arm of the couch. 

I couldn't help moaning a little at that – it was hard to purr with my mouth full – and knowing that I was turning him on so much only turned _me_ on more. I already knew I was pretty good at this, but I wanted to make sure Carrick knew, too. Staring up at him, I bobbed up and down even faster until Carrick gave a soft moan. Giving him a little wink, I pushed that little bit further until I felt his dick hitting the back of my throat.

Carrick smirked. A little out of breath, he said, “I guess you can... take it...”

I pulled back and gave him a smirk of my own. “You ain't seen nothing yet.”

“Oh yeah?” He raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah,” I replied with a nod, crawling up his body and leaning down to kiss him. I fumbled around for his hand and placed it on my ass, hoping he got the hint.

I could actually feel his smirk against my lips as he squeezed my ass. He definitely got the hint. With a slight moan, I slid my hands between us to unbutton and unzip my jeans. Carrick was still right there with me; he shoved my jeans and boxer briefs down quickly.

Our position wasn't quite right, though. It reminded me too much of the first time with Taylor and I wanted desperately _not_ to think about Taylor while I was having sex with Carrick. I scooted back on the couch until I could lay down, grabbing Carrick's arm roughly and pulling him down on top of me. That was better.

As soon as he was on top of me, his lips were on mine again. His kisses were passionate, but unhurried; like him, really. One of his hands crept down to my thigh, his nails raking up and down it lightly.

“Fuck...” I whimpered, even though it was a pretty light touch. It only made me want more.

Carrick chuckled. “You like it rough, huh?”

He didn't even give me a chance to answer before scratching harder. Moaning, I replied, “Maybe...”

“Figures,” he said with a smirk. He bit down lightly on my neck, the hand on my thigh moving to wrap around my dick.

Fucking finally. I moaned loudly, not even caring if I looked pathetic and needy, and thrust up into his hand. His lips moved from my neck back to my mouth, biting down on my lower lip as he began to stroke me.

I let out another moan. “Fuck, Carrick...”

He chuckled against my mouth. I didn't even know what was so funny.

“There you go laughing at me again,” I said, pouting.

Carrick licked my bottom lip. “So shut me up, then.”

I giggled. “I'm good, but I don't think even _I'm_ good enough to shut you up.”

Carrick leaned his head against mine and laughed. “Yeah, well, nobody's perfect, I guess.”

“I guess not,” I replied with a laugh.

He tightened his grip on my dick, trailing kisses down my neck and chest. It was weird, how he could go from making me laugh to being ridiculously hot in just a matter of seconds. But it was a good kind of weird.

“God...” I moaned, staring down at him.

“Yes?” He smirked.

Should have expected that one, but it still made me roll my eyes. Nudging his head downward, I said, “I think I know one thing that might shut you up.”

“Hmm, ya think?” Carrick asking, pressing a few kisses to my stomach.

I trembled at the touch of his lips, still not entirely comfortable with him – or anyone – being so close to my pudge. I forced a smirk and replied, “Yeah. Can't talk with your mouth full, can you?”

“Wanna bet?” He raised an eyebrow. I opened my mouth to reply to that, but all words left my mind when his tongue flicked against the head of my dick.

“Fuck, Carrick...” I gasped out, unable to think of any other words at all.

He chuckled at that, but didn't say anything. Instead, he sucked the head into his mouth completely. I let loose a moan and and gripped his hair tightly. He stared up at me and raised an eyebrow, but again didn't say a word as he sucked more of my dick into his mouth, inch by inch. 

“Finally shut you up,” I said with a grin.

“Fuck you,” he mumbled, his smirk somehow still visible even with his mouth full of, well, me.

I let out another moan. “You damn well better.”

Carrick's eyes widened and I laughed. Had I _finally_ surprised him?


	8. Chapter 8

**Carrick**

"What was that?" I knew what Zac said, but the aggression and confidence he said it with were so unlike him. Not in a bad way, though; more of a sexy-as-fuck way. 

"I said, you damn well better fuck me, Carrick," Zac repeated, slowly and deliberately.

"That's... what I thought you said." Well, now. Zac usually blushed at the slightest mention of sex, yet here he was begging - no, _commanding_ me, in no uncertain terms, to fuck him. I could definitely get behind this, in more ways than one.

"Is that a problem?" Zac asked, giving me his best puppy dog eyes. Now that just wasn't fair.

"Hell no, it ain't," I chuckled, before devouring his cock again. He was bigger than I'd guessed, more thick than long, and I loved the way he tasted. He cursed under his breath, growling and thrusting into my mouth in a way that made me moan. I pushed one finger against his opening; he moaned loudly as it slid into him, cursing again.

"God... Fuck, yes." He looked down at me, and I kept my eyes on him as I smirked around his dick, sucking and fingering him at a leisurely pace. I'd thought about this for a looong time, and I sure as hell wasn't going to rush it. Zac, on the other hand, was practically champing at the bit, rocking his hips against me, trying to speed things up. Well, who was I to deny my friend in his time of need?

"Yes... Fuck, Carrick, give me more," Zac moaned, still halfway between begging and ordering, as I teased him with a second finger. I chuckled a bit as I eased it in to join the first, pumping faster and sucking harder. Zac swore again, something else I wasn't entirely used to, but hot damn I loved it. I dragged my teeth up his shaft, and Zac growled again. Full-on animal _growled_. 

Damn.

I hadn't wanted to push too far, but Zac wasn't complaining yet, so why stop there? He did want me to fuck him, after all, and it was my duty as his friend to... prepare him. I raised an eyebrow at him and brushed a third finger against his tight hole, and he locked eyes with me, gasping.

"Yes. Do it."

Like I said, who am I to deny him? I shoved all three fingers in, fast and hard, moaning at the primal scream that ripped from him. I reached down to stroke myself as I fingered him as hard as I could, sucking his dick like a fat kid with a fudgesicle. He was tight as hell, and I couldn't wait to bury myself in him. He looked down at me, his eyes burning with a desire so strong, it almost wasn't like him.

"I swear to God, if you don't fuck me soon..."

"You'll what?" It was an interesting half-threat, and I wondered just how aggressive he was going to get. It really wasn't like him, and I had a sneaking suspicion he was playing it up for my benefit. I seriously hoped he knew he didn't have to prove anything; I wanted him for him, adorable awkwardness and all. But instead of finishing the threat, he just growled in a way I'm sure he thought was menacing, but really just sounded to me like a frustrated pup. Frustrated and adorable. Still, it was enough to make me shiver.

But apparently he wasn't _all_ talk. He managed to push me off of him, shoving me onto my back. I sometimes forgot how strong he was, but fuck if I didn't love it when he showed off. I found myself biting my lip and shaking a bit as I stared up at him, practically grinning with something close to surprise.

"You really are gonna take it, aren't you?"

"Told you I could," Zac replied with a nod as he climbed over me. I gripped his hip with one hand, lining myself up with the other.

"Never said I didn't believe you." I let my tone get a bit soft, letting a little emotion creep in with the lust as I stared up at him. If he wanted this to be just sex, that was fine with me; but if there was more to it than that, I wanted him to know that was okay, too. But lust seemed to be it for now, Zac's moan echoing between us as he lowered himself onto my dick. And that was fan-fucking-tastic with me.

"Motherfuck..." Zac cursed loudly, followed quickly by a meek little whimper, and I couldn't keep a straight face.

"Anyone ever tell you you got a dirty mouth?"

"You didn't seem to mind how dirty it was earlier," Zac shot back with a grin. I loved our banter, and I loved that we were able to keep it up with him riding my cock. Our comments were usually pretty dirty to begin with, so I could only imagine the kind of stuff we could come up with now. And imagine I would, when I wasn't otherwise occupied.

"Never said I did," I said with a wink and a roll of my hips. That drew a gasp and a curse from Zac; so did the next time I did, and the next. When I actually thrust up against him finally, he got the hint, picking himself up slowly and dropping back down.

"Fuck, yeah Zac..." I used to always laugh about how drummers did it better, but Zac was sure as hell proving it as he found a rhythm, rolling his hips like a pro. I gripped said hips, thrusting up to meet him; every fantasy I'd had was being blown to hell as Zac ground against me. He raked his nails down my chest and I threw my head back, sucking in a breath. 

"Yeah, Zac... Ride that cock." I half expected him to blush, but instead he just grinned, riding me even harder. I swore loudly, digging my nails into his hips. So he wanted to play rough, huh? Oh baby, he didn't know what he was in for. But I had a hunch he'd enjoy it anyway.

"Hold still." I held him steady, smirking as he looked down at me quizzically. I let him wonder for a second, grinning like a cheshire cat, before I started drilling into him like a jackrabbit on speed. 

"Carrick! Oh god!" Zac's screams were music to my ears as I hammered into him even faster.

"Yeah? You like that?" As if I had to ask.

"God, yes," Zac moaned, his whole body shaking. And not just from the force of me slamming my cock into his ass at roughly 100mph. Still, he found the motor control to grab my hand and wrap it around his own dick. Smirking up at him, I matched the furious pace I'd set, sending him into another fit of moans and curses. It occurred to me that if anyone ever recorded that, they'd make a fortune in a day. If Zac didn't kill them first.

"Fuck Zac... Feels so fucking good."

"Yeah, you're not so bad either," Zac fired back without missing a beat. Oh no he didn't. I slowed down, pulling almost all the way out; Zac didn't have time to pout before I slammed into him as hard as I could.

"Shit!" Zac gasped, his eyes going wide.

"Yeah, take it..." I drove into him again, twisting my wrist as I jacked him at the same blinding speed. I found a new rhythm, slower, but twice as hard; it almost hurt, in that delicious pleasure-mixed-with-pain kind of way. There was probably a point of no return back there somewhere, but it wasn't like either of us were planning on stopping any time soon. 

"Told you I could," Zac growled, baring his fangs at me. 

"Fuck yeah you can," I growled right back. "You want it?" 

"Fuck yes." Zac was panting now, well we both were really, and I was breaking out in a sweat as we gritted our teeth at each other, two wild dogs baring their teeth. And their cocks.

"Yeah? You ready for it?" 

"Yes. Fuck, Carrick. Give me all you got." 

"All I got, huh?" I still managed to smirk at him, breathless as I was. "You sure about that?" I wasn't going to last much longer, though; Zac was just too tight, too hot, and we'd waited too damn long to do this.

 

**Zac**

“I. Can. Take. It,” I replied with a nod, shaking a little at the thought of it. 

Getting fucked by Carrick was like an out of body experience. I could feel everything – oh god could I feel everything – and I could hear the words coming out of my mouth, but it didn't sound like me at all. I felt like I had to prove myself to him, and begging pathetically, which seemed to be my usual way, wasn't going to get the job done.

“You asked for it...”

He grasped my hips with both hands, pulling me down hard onto his cock. His hips lifted completely off the couch as he pounded up into me with a speed and intensity that I hadn't expected from him at all. Carrick was so tiny, but he was definitely all muscle, and I had found a damn good use for those muscles. It didn't even matter that he wasn't the biggest I had had. The way he was slamming into me still felt fucking incredible – intense pleasure, with just a little bit of pain.

I let out a scream. “Fuck... yes...”

Carrick screamed as well, and it sounded absolutely beautiful. Between that and the way he was fucking me, I was practically in sensory overload. “Fuck.. here it comes... Fuck, Zac. Take it all...”

“Oh fuck,” I growled. “I will...”

He thrust up into me one last time, his hands grasping my hips hard enough to leave bruises as he pulled me down onto him and held me there. He screamed my name as he came, and the sound of that combined with the feeling him exploding inside me, was enough to push me over the edge as well.

“Shit... fuck...” I gasped out, the words trailing off into a pathetic cry. 

His teeth gritted, Carrick said, “Fucking... take it...”

“I... told you... I could...” I panted, waves of pleasure still shooting through me as Carrick held me in place.

Carrick's chest was heaving as he finally relented and collapsed back against the couch. With a weak smirk, he replied, “Knew you could.”

I chuckled, lifting myself off his cock somewhat reluctantly, and collapsing on top of him. For a second, I worried that he would be uncomfortable with all my weight on him, but he didn't seem to mind it when I was riding him, so I figured he could take this, too. He wrapped his arm loosely around me, and any desire I had to move faded away.

“Well damn...” he said, still a little breathless, then let out a laugh.

I attempted a serious face, which wasn't easy at all. “You better be fucking surprised now.”

His eyes shifted left and right, his trademark smirk returning to his face. “We'll go with that.”

I raised an eyebrow, but didn't question it. I figured that was as close as I was going to get to surprising him. He just chuckled and gave me a soft kiss. It was almost sweet, which was kinda weird, considering the source. 

“You are a bastard, you know that?” I asked, smiling despite my harsh words. That was just how the two of us communicated, though. 

“Yeah, yeah,” he replied, grinning. He leaned back and closed his eyes, obviously unconcerned about the little insult I had just flung his way. “You love me.”

“Yeah, whatever. Your cock, I love. The rest of you I tolerate,” I replied, chuckling. I couldn't even believe I'd managed to get the words out without blushing, but really, it was hard to be embarrassed about anything when I was sticky with our come.

Carrick let out a loud laugh and ruffled my hair. I couldn't help grinning, so fucking glad that we could still joke around like that – even if the jokes had managed to get even dirtier than before. I hadn't really thought this whole having sex with my best friend thing through. I just needed him by my side, as friend, but how could I have turned down the chance to have more than that? I didn't know how much more, though. I was happy for it to just stay like this – best friends, joking around and having amazingly hot sex.

He let out a happy sigh and glanced around the room. I followed his eyes nervously. He caught my eyes and said, “Just checking out the new pieces...”

Just as I had feared, his eyes fell on the Jordan painting. My smile fell away completely; I couldn't have even faked a smile if I had wanted. Carrick noticed the change, of course.

“What's up?” He asked, frowning a bit.

“It's... nothing.”

“Uh huh,” he replied. “Anyone ever tell you you're a really shitty liar?”

“Yeah I think I've heard that before...”

Carrick chuckled. “I wonder where...”

I gave a sigh, but didn't reply. Instead, I peeled myself off of him and walked into the tiny bathroom in the corner, retrieving some baby wipes and a towel. I tossed the towel to Carrick, not looking his way as I cleaned myself up. His eyes were still on me; I could feel them burning a hole in me as I picked up my boxer briefs and pulled them back on. I sat back down on the couch, but on the opposite end, suddenly feeling a need to get some distance between us.

“Dude, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to kill the mood.”

“It's okay,” I replied, giving him a weak smile. It was all I could manage, really. I had fought back thoughts of Taylor the best I could while I was on top of Carrick, but it wasn't so easy to forget him now. “You didn't mean to, I know.”

“You wanna talk about it?” Carrick asked, sitting up.

I chuckled softly. “Not really, but...”

“Well, you know I'm here if you need me,” he said, giving me a genuine smile – not his standard smirk. It was a rare look from him, and I loved every time I got to see it.

“I know, man,” I replied, nodding. “Have I mentioned lately how awesome you are?”

In an instant the smirk was back. “Yeah, but you can always remind me.”

I shoved him playfully. “Yeah, like your ego needs any more... stroking...”

Carrick snorted. If there was anyone I could count on to always laugh at my sense of humor – which had quit developing at roughly the age of twelve – it was him. The laughter didn't last long, though; in another instant, his was face was serious and he was rubbing my back lightly. 

“Seriously, though. If you need to talk, I'm here. Or if you just need someone to lean on. Whatever you need, I'm there for ya.”

“I know,” I replied, nodding. I decided to take the offer literally and leaned back against him. “That painting... it was for _him_.”

He glanced at the painting, probably looking for some new meaning in it, then back at me. “It's beautiful.”

I shrugged. “Thanks.”

“What happened?” He asked softly.

There was the question I was afraid of. My next words had to be chosen super carefully. I wanted to tell Carrick everything--god help me, even the fact that it was Taylor--but I didn't think it was really appropriate to spring that on him while he was still naked. Or, probably, ever.

“We umm... we met online,” I said. That was as good a place to start as any. With a chuckle I added, “Kinda cheesy, huh?”

“A bit, but that's cool,” he replied, that genuine smile back on his face. “Tell me about him.”

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the dive I was about to take. There was no good way to tell the whole sordid story, so I figured I might as well just work my way through it chronologically, giving Carrick all the highlights.

“I wasn't really... looking for anything like that. We were just chatting and he seemed really cool. I mean, I didn't even realize he was a guy. His name wasn't, uh, obviously male. And he was flirting with me, so...”

Carrick smirked. “Oh, Zac...”

“I know, I'm a dumbass.”

“You said it, not me,” he said with a smirk and a wink.

I grinned a little, then sighed. “So, things got... carried away.”

Carrick rubbed my back soothingly. It was such a simple thing to do, but it always made me feel better. We were both touchy feely people like that anyway, so whenever we hung out we were always practically velcroed together. That whole “flirting with him” thing was starting to make sense... Shaking my head, I tried to focus on my story again.

“It scared me shitless at first... how much I wanted it. I still tried to deny it. Refused to believe that I was... well, you know.”

His smirk softened a little. “Yeah...”

“I mean, I was seriously in denial. I kept making excuses, and then... that night with Kate happened. And I was _still_ making excuses.”

“Yeah?” 

I nodded. I knew I sounded awful, but I couldn't and wouldn't try to sugarcoat it or lie. “It was bad. I freaked out and tried to distance myself from him, but I couldn't stop thinking about him. And I mean, not just sexually.”

I blushed a little at that last part, aware that it was ridiculous to blush at the mere word sex after what we had just done. But Carrick didn't comment on it. He just nodded and waited for me to continue.

“So, eventually I just had to admit it to myself. I was gay, and I really, really liked this guy.”

Carrick nodded again, smiling sadly. “I can tell.”

“We still fought for a while before we were both ready to admit what we felt, though. But once we did, things were... amazing.” I thought back to those first few weeks of our relationship online. I remembered how excited Jordan had been to see my art, and how I had started on that painting one day, unsure if he would ever really see it, but unable to keep my hands away from the canvas. Sometimes art – songs, paintings, whatever – just forced themselves out of me like that. With a tiny nod in the direction of the painting I said, “That's when I painted that.”

“It really is beautiful, Zac,” Carrick replied, smiling. “And I get it, now that you told me – the computer screen and all.”

“Yeah.” I nodded. “So, after we had been officially together or whatever for like a month, we umm, actually met in person.”

“How'd that go?”

“Umm... well it was different,” I replied. Understatement of the fucking century. “I mean, obviously, it was all pretty new to me. But... he was incredible. More amazing than I'd imagined.”

Also more related to me than I had imagined, but I didn't think it was quite time to let Carrick know that little detail. 

He gave me a sad smile, and that was all it took to set off my waterworks. Sniffling, I said, “Everything was... perfect...”

Frowning, Carrick pulled me into a hug. “It's okay, Zac.”

“It's not, really,” I said, sniffling more and trying to fight the tears. “But having you here helps.”

He rubbed my back in that soothing way he had again and said, “That's what I'm here for.”

“You're alright, you know,” I replied, turning my head back to give him a weak smile. “I think I'll keep you around.”

“Aww, really? You gonna give me a good home? With food, and walkies, and treats?”

Between giggles, I managed to say, “Yeah, I'm sure it'll go over great when I tell the old lady you're moving in.”

Carrick laughed loudly. “Just promise I get to be there. That's gonna be a face worth remembering.”

“Oh man,” I said between laughs. “She would kill us both, I think.”

He threw an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. “Don't worry. I'll keep ya safe from the wicked witch of the south.”

“Yeah, okay,” I replied. “You can be my bodyguard.”

He gave my shoulders a squeeze. His voice soft, he said, “Definitely a body worth guarding.”

I blushed. It was still so fucking weird to hear Carrick complimenting me like that. I felt his eyes on me and I turned my head again to glance back at him. “What?”

“He doesn't know what he walked out on.”

I felt my face heating up again and I glanced away. “I think he's got a pretty good idea.”

Carrick brushed a piece of hair from my eyes. “Then he's a dumbass.”

“No argument there,” I replied, laughing softly. I knew at any moment my tears could start falling again, just thinking about Taylor, but Carrick was good at keeping me distracted with his humor. I appreciated it more than he could possibly know.

He leaned his head against mine and kissed my temple. “I'm really glad you called me, Zac.”

“I'm glad I called you, too.”


	9. Chapter 9

**Zac**

Carrick and I spent the night in the art studio, cuddled up on the couch together. It wasn't as uncomfortable as it sounds, and it wasn't the first time we'd slept like that; things get kind of crowded during Fools Banquet. We woke up way earlier than either of us wanted to, though, thanks to a text from Isaac telling me that he was having a family emergency – apparently Everett picked up a stomach virus somewhere and their whole household was suffering – and begging me to please go into the studio and try to get some work done with Taylor.

Well, that sounded like exactly how I _didn't_ want to spend my day. But I couldn't very well tell Ike no without explaining myself. So I drug myself from the couch and took a shower. And once Carrick was done with me, I was pretty sure I needed another shower, but we were already running an hour late. 

Carrick looked perfectly relaxed on the drive to the studio, one arm hanging out the open window and a cigarette dangling from his lips. I was terrified, though. I hadn't spoken a single word to Taylor since he walked out of my studio, and I had no idea what I would say or do when I saw him. Carrick didn't know any of that, of course; he had no idea how awkward of a situation I was about to drag him into. I knew that it would probably just make things worse, in a way, to have him there, but I needed the moral support.

Taylor's car was already at the studio when I pulled up, and naturally, the only available spot was next to him. With a long sigh that I hoped Carrick didn't notice, I put my truck in park and started to get out. I glanced across the cab and flashed him the best smile I could manage. He stubbed his cigarette out in the ash tray, then grabbed my shirt in his fist and pulled me in for a kiss. 

I pulled back from him, blushing and incredibly thankful for the dark tinted windows I had paid extra for. With another smile, I stepped out of the truck and walked up to punch my security code into the studio door. A thought occurred to me as we passed over the threshold.

“We uh... probably should lay off the kissing in here. No offense, man, but we already smell like sex, anyway.”

Carrick laughed and pushed me up against the wall. “Better keep your scarf on then.”

With a wink, he stepped back. I laughed in spite of myself; the scarf I was wearing to cover my hickies had been a Christmas present from Taylor. I really didn't feel like telling Carrick that, though. So I just rolled my eyes and said, “You're something else, Carrick.”

Trying not to think too much about the scarf, I walked on down the hallway toward the studio portion of the office where I knew Taylor would be waiting. The whole way, I could feel how close behind me Carrick was and it wasn't as comforting as I had hoped it would be.

Taylor was seated at the piano when we walked through the door. The door closed behind us with a thud, causing him to look up. I could only imagine how unhappy he would be to see me, but he smiled. He actually smiled. I didn't have time to really process that before it was gone; his eyes widening as they fell upon Carrick.

“Umm... hey Carrick,” he said, standing up and holding his hand out to him. It seemed so awkwardly formal to me, and I had to wonder if Taylor didn't already have a suspicion about why Carrick was there.

Carrick must have thought it was too formal too, because he returned the handshake with a one-armed hug. “Hey, man. How's it going?”

I could see Taylor sniffing lightly as they hugged, and I didn't have to wonder what he smelled--weed and, well, me. He glanced briefly at me, then back at Carrick. “I didn't know you were in town.”

“He wanted to hear the new music,” I replied with a shrug. “Guess I forgot to mention he was coming.” I couldn't help smirking at my choice of words. I knew it was awful of me, and I tried not to, but the smirk refused to go away.

“Uh huh,” Taylor replied, and I could practically see him fighting a losing battle against his face as he tried to force a smile. I had no doubt that he had caught that little innuendo.

Carrick flashed me a quick smirk and shook his head slightly-- _of course_ he caught the innuendo--then gave Taylor a smile. “Yeah, just got in last night.”

He smirked at me again and I actually had to cough to cover up my laugh. “Yeah... so uh, sorry I was late.”

“No problem,” Taylor replied, nodding slowly. “Ike's not gonna be here today, so I thought we could just get some writing done. You don't mind, right, Carrick?”

“No prob, man,” Carrick replied, smiling innocently. It was almost convincing; at least, it would have been if I hadn't known better. Laughing lightly, he added, “Like Fools Banquet, light.”

I gave Carrick the best smile I could manage. This was about to get very, very awkward. I glanced back at Taylor and asked, “Did you have any particular songs in mind?”

Taylor looked at me critically, his eyes trailing over my face. I saw his eyes widen a fraction, then he cleared his throat. “Um, no. Nothing in mind. What did you want to do?”

“Doesn't matter,” I replied, glancing down and realizing my scarf had fallen down a bit. I had a sinking feeling that Taylor had seen a mark he knew he hadn't left. I didn't really mean to rub Carrick in Taylor's face, but at that same time, it didn't seem like that bad of an idea. Adjusting the scarf, I asked, “Are we gonna be here all day, though?”

Carrick gave me yet another smirk, but Taylor didn't seem so amused. With a sigh, he said, “I don't know, Zac. Did you have some place more important to be?”

“Umm, I'm sorry,” Carrick cut in, no doubt noticing the tension. “I didn't mean to get in the way of your work. I could take off for a while if you want.”

Oh hell no. If I had to suffer through the day with Taylor, Carrick was going to suffer with me. And, hopefully, blatantly flirt with me, too. Crossing my arms, I said firmly, “No, Carrick. Stay.”

They both stared at me like I had grown a second head or just a set of balls. I stared back and forth between the two of them, silently daring either one to say a word. 

Taylor gritted his teeth. “You know what, Zac? Go ahead. You've got company; go have fun.”

He was daring me, and I knew it. I didn't really understand what the challenge was, but I knew that I was damn sure not going to do what Taylor told me to do, just on principle. “I can have fun later. You wanted to work today, so let's fucking work already.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Carrick smirking. I got the distinct impression that he was proud of me for standing up to Taylor, even if he really didn't understand what he was witnessing. As for Taylor, he refused to even look at me, and sighed heavily as he said, “Fine. Whatever you want, Zac.”

“Yeah, right,” I mumbled. We both knew that wasn't true. Taylor was what I wanted, and I didn't have him. So what reason did I have to think he would give in to any of my wishes?

Carrick looked at me questioningly and I suddenly felt really, really sorry for dragging him into the middle of this. I knew I should have asked him to stay at my house, but I couldn't have explained to him _why_. I gave him what I hoped was an apologetic look, then glanced back at Taylor.

“Now, can I play him the demos he came here to listen to, or is that a problem, too?”

Taylor winced; even I was a bit surprised by how angry I sounded, but not enough to try to stop myself. Sounding utterly defeated, he replied, “Sure... go ahead.”

“Okay,” I replied, smiling smugly. I knew it wasn't much of a victory, but it was enough for me. Motioning toward the control booth, I said, “Come on, Carrick.”

Carrick followed behind me as I walked into the control booth. I shoved the door closed quickly and saw with relief that the blinds – separating the control booth from the studio – were already down. Wordlessly, I turned on the computer and pulled up Tonight, a new song we had been putting a lot of work into for the past few weeks.

“Uh, sorry about that,” I said, glancing back at Carrick and seeing the confusion on his face.

“It's okay.” He shrugged, but his frown stayed put. “I'm sorry things are tense, though. What's up with you too?”

“Just some stupid shit,” I lied, shaking my head. I really hoped Carrick would buy that and just drop the subject.

"Yeah,” he replied, nodding slowly. A smirk crept across his face. “It's funny, ya know? You two bicker like an old married couple.”

My eyes went wide and I felt myself shaking a little. “No. No we don't.”

Carrick laughed. “You totally do, man. I've know you guys for how long now? You fight over some petty shit, do the silent treatment for a while, then go back to being all bff. It's cute.”

“No, it's not,” I replied, frowning. “And it's not... not really like that this time.”

Carrick returned my frown. “Why not?”

“Just don't worry about it, okay?” I turned away from him, picking at a spot on the mixing board. “I shouldn't have brought you into the middle of it.”

“I'm... what?” Carrick asked, blinking rapidly. 

Well. That was the wrong thing to say, wasn't it? I fumbled for any way to reply that wouldn't just dig a deeper hole for myself. I didn't think Carrick could have figured out what had happened just from those few words, but anything was possible. I had to deflect, and I had to do it fast.

“I mean...” I stuttered out. “I knew things were gonna be tense here today, that's all.”

He nodded slowly, but he didn't look convinced at all. “Okay, but that doesn't exactly put me in the middle of it...”

“Poor choice of words, okay?” I felt bad for nearly snapping at him, but I didn't know what else to say. 

“Yeah, okay,” he replied, raising an eyebrow and smirking.

“Just... just drop it, please?”

Carrick's smirk fell and he nodded. “Okay, Zac. I'm sorry.”

He stepped in close and rubbed my arms. I jumped a little at the contact, but I still liked it. “You... you don't need to apologize. It's not your fault.”

“I know,” he replied, lifting my chin and looking in my eyes. “I just hate seeing you upset.”

“I'll be okay,” I said, giving him a weak smile.

Carrick smiled and brushed him thumb across my cheek. He leaned in the tiniest bit, until our lips were almost touching. I could feel his breath as he said, “That's good.”

The feeling of him so close yet not touching made me tremble. My tongue darted out to lick my lips, and Carrick took the opportunity to press his lips to mine. He ran his fingers through my hair, and I moaned, taking a step closer to him. He wrapped his arms around me, pulling me closer still and slipping his tongue into my mouth.

I was still frustrated over having to deal with Taylor, but Carrick made for a very, very nice distraction. It wasn't enough, though. I needed more of him to wipe all thoughts of Taylor from my mind. I kissed him back as passionately as I could manage and grasped at his hips. I felt him moan into my mouth as he backed me against the mixing board and ground his hips into mine.

“And you said I was eager,” I panted, punctuating the statement with a smirk and a roll of my own hips.

His only reply was a smirk. One of his hands crept around to squeeze my ass, while the other had a tight grip on my hair.

“God, Carrick...” I growled.

He bit down on my neck as he grabbing my ass firmly and pulled me closer, grinding against me at the same time. He had already found all the right buttons to push, and I was hard as a rock. I ran my fingernails down his back as a moan worked its way out my mouth.

“Fuck, Zac,” he moaned. “Ready again, huh?”

I giggled. “For you? Hell yes.”

Carrick smirked, and thrust his hips against me again. I could feel his dick pressing against me; I wasn't the only one who was ready again. He grabbed one of my legs behind the knee and lifted it, rolling his hips harder against me again. I wrapped my leg around his thigh just to keep from falling over; the way he was grinding on me, I was lucky to still be standing at all.

I rolled my head back and moaned loudly. “Fuck, Carrick... don't be a goddamn tease.”

There were at least a million reasons not to let Carrick bend me over the mixing board and fuck the hell out of me. But in that moment, I couldn't think of a single one. That is, until the door swung open.

“Zac, I--” 

I froze. Carrick froze. And Taylor, well, he looked like he was going to pass out. His face was completely white and his eyes were wider than I had ever seen them. I didn't think it was possible, but he looked even more shocked than when he had discovered that I was Sam. 

He had to have suspected this was happening, but it was something entirely different to actually see it. And I had let him. Hell, I had practically given him a front row ticket. I felt sick.

Carrick was just this side of oblivious, though. He smirked and laughed nervously as he backed away from me. I was still pinned to the mixing board, though I didn't really know how much longer my legs were going to hold me up. 

“Tay... umm...” I stuttered out, shaking so hard that the syllables were almost unintelligible.

I could see tears welling up in the corners of Taylor's eyes, and he bit down hard on his lip to stop it from quivering. Backing away slowly, he said, “I... I'm sorry...”

Well. Fuck.


	10. Chapter 10

**Carrick**

"Shit... Um, sorry?" I chuckled sheepishly as I glanced at Zac; I probably should have felt worse, but what could I say? This wasn't the first time I'd been walked in on, and knowing me, it wouldn't be the last.

"It's... it's not your fault." Zac looked terrified, and it startled me. Sure, it must have been embarrassing as hell, but we hadn't even been naked yet. I started to nod, but paused.

"You sure about that?" Maybe it wasn't my fault Tay walked in, but dry-humping Zac against the mixing board while his brother sat a few feet away probably wasn't the brightest idea.

"You didn't... we... I wanted to..." Zac stammered, and I was struck again by just how shaken he was by this. 

"Yeah, but your brother didn't seem too happy about it." I ran a hand through my hair nervously, replaying Tay's reaction in my head. If it were me, I would've laughed it off, or maybe just ducked back out. But he'd stood there, staring, for a good few seconds. Something about that just seemed... Hmm...

"My brother... is an asshole." Zac moved away from the mixing board, but didn't even take a step before his legs gave out.

"Whoa!" I caught him before he hit the ground, easing him to the floor. Okay, now I knew something major was up.

"I'm... okay," Zac said, blinking. "I'm fine." 

"Bullshit." Did he honestly think he could fool me? Me, who knew him almost as well as his own brothers, if not better? Me, who'd been there for him at times when even his family wasn't? Me, who... Well, he should've known better.

"Zac... He didn't know, did he?" I could understand his fear, being outed like that suddenly; but Zac shook his head, his lip shaking.

"No, he knew."

"You told him? Then why..." Why was Zac so spooked? I couldn't think of any other reason, and something about Tay's expression seemed... familiar... I'd been walked in on before, more than once by my partner's ex (or soon-to-be-ex, in at least one scenario), and I never forgot that face. That 'oh shit, my whole world just imploded' face.

"Would you want to walk in on one of your brothers like that?" Zac offered a weak attempt at a smirk, but the gears were grinding.

"That didn't look like walking in on a brother." Hell, my brothers _had_ walked in on me, and they didn't look anything like Taylor had. "It looked like..." I paused, looking at Zac; he tried to keep his expression blank, but it was me, so of course I saw right through it. I lowered my voice, tilting my head a bit, gauging Zac's reaction.

"It looked like a guy walking in on someone he cared about, being with someone else."

"Well of course he cares about me..."

"Cut the crap, Zac." I held Zac's face in one hand, forcing him to meet my eyes. Didn't he know he could tell me anything? I wasn't just saying that. "Talk to me," I whispered. 

"I... um..." Zac stammered, his eyes shifting.

"You know I'm here. Whatever you've got to say, I'm not going anywhere."

"You say that now," Zac mumbled, shaking. And there it was, in his eyes; everything I needed to know, written all over his face.

"It was him." I didn't have to wait long for Zac to nod; he flinched a bit, probably expecting me to flip. And maybe I should have, but for whatever reason, I didn't.

"Oh, Zac..." I brushed his cheek lightly; I wanted to comfort him, but he seemed so tense as his eyes fell closed, I wasn't sure a hug would do more good, or harm.

"I didn't mean... for you to find that out."

"Hey. Look at me." I tried to keep my tone soft, but firm; after a second, Zac looked up at me sadly. "Do you really think you're gonna get rid of me that easily?" I tried to put on my usual smirk, to lighten the tension a bit. It seemed to work a little, as Zac smiled weakly.

"Wasn't really trying to. But you're not... like, freaked the fuck out right now?"

"Do I look freaked the fuck out?" I let my smirk grow a bit as I threw his words back at him.

"No... But why... how are you not freaked out?" It was a perfectly valid question. I'd just found out that my best friend had just gotten out of a very emotional, and sexual, relationship... with his brother. And yet, I couldn't find a speck of disgust, or even shock. 

"Dunno... It just kinda makes sense."

"It does?!" Zac looked about as shocked as I probably should have, and I couldn't help smirking, both at his reaction, and at my own screwed-up logic.

"Yeah. Can't explain how, but it does. You two... make sense."

"I guess..." Zac tilted his head, pulling the perfect 'confused puppy' look, and I smiled.

"So... What really happened?"

"It was mostly like I told you," Zac started, frowning. "We _did_ meet online."

"Okay, but tell me the parts you left out. What happened when you found out it was him?"

"That... That was bad." 

Zac took a deep breath, then launched into his tale. I tried to keep my comments to a minimum, but it wasn't easy. It was a hell of a soap opera, and I had to laugh at how adorably clueless Zac was. I mean, Tay went by 'Jordan'? Seriously? And then the way they found each other out, IM'ing each other from across the room; you can't make that stuff up. 

"So, he faints, and of course I'm freaked out. Like, doubly freaked out now."

"Did he need CPR?" I couldn't help snorting at the image of Tay just keeling over, one hand going to his forehead, like a Victorian damsel.

"That is not even funny."

"Sorry..."

"So he recovered just fine; just being overly dramatic, probably. And I'm just standing there, trying to make sense of it. Because 'Jordan' was so... so understanding, and sweet, and just everything Taylor hadn't been lately. And I had no idea Tay was bi. I mean, okay, I had _some_ idea."

"Really? Dude, your gaydar sucks." I knew mine was pretty spot-on, but even a blind man could see Tay was more flaming than the Olympic torch.

"No shit, Sherlock. It didn't even pick up on _me_. But like... there was all this shit we talked about, as Sam and Jordan, that I had no clue about. Like how unhappy he was with Natalie. And it just didn't make sense at first. I couldn't look at Taylor, my asshole brother, and see the guy that I'd..." Zac took a breath, his voice lowering. "...fallen in love with."

"Well he must've had a lot on his mind too. I mean, no offense, but you probably weren't your usual cheerful self either, were you?" I knew Zac when he was stressed; it was one of those 'stay out of punching range' kind of deals.

"No, I wasn't. God, we had this one fight in the studio, right after the first fight Sam and Jordan had; like a knock down, drag out fight. Ike had to pull us apart. And so I was thinking about that fight, right? And also, Taylor said he knew about... uh, that one night with Kate. And I had told Jordan about that, too. So I started thinking Taylor did know it was me, online. I mean, I put two and two together, and got like, three."

Not only did Zac have a microscopic fuse, but he also tended to get a bit... dense. Not exactly the next Spock, if you know what I mean. So it wasn't surprising to me that he jumped to conclusions, but the particular one he landed on... Well, even I was a little surprised he'd think Taylor would do that. 

"So I pin him down, and ask him again if he knew it was me, and he's like, about to start fucking crying. And I realize he's telling the truth, and he's just as... _whatever_ as I am. And then he starts fucking wiggling, trying to get away from me, and I just look at what I've done, and, uh... Well, I had to let him go before he noticed..." Zac motioned towards his nether regions, and I struggled to keep the smirk at bay. "Like, I don't know. Mind of its fucking own. So we both sit back and try to calm down and like... make sense of it all."

"How'd that go?"

"Well, he went from zero to flirting in about sixty seconds. You know how Taylor is; if it has a pulse, he'll flirt with it."

"Yeah, I've noticed." I realized as soon as I snorted that I should've kept my mouth shut; Zac was eyeing me, one eyebrow up. I had the decency to look away, but not fast enough, apparently.

"He hasn't... you... Carrick?"

"What happened next?" I looked at Zac head-on; he blinked a bit, but continued with his story. I hoped he'd forget my little slip-up, especially since there wasn't even much worth telling.

"Um... Well, we talked a little bit. About how unhappy we both were, and my sexuality. Somehow, it just kept getting flirtier and flirtier; it was... strange. And so, I guess we both started to accept that we did still feel the same way, even though we shouldn't. And then we realized we were making out on the studio floor." Zac laughed at that, the first real smile I'd seen from him since before we got to the studio. "So we left, and went to my studio."

"Your art studio? In your garage? Is that where you bring all your secret love affairs?" I shot Zac a wink, making him giggle; it was hard not to picture them together now, on Zac's couch, surrounded by his art. The images weren't bad, but I had a hunch Zac wouldn't appreciate me mentioning them, so I kept my dirty mind to myself.

"Well Taylor's freaking out because we're brothers, and so he gets the bright idea that he'll call me Sam and like, pretend I'm not me or something. And I'd have to call him Jordan. And I said okay, 'cause I figured that was the only way he'd go through with it. Carrick, you gotta know... I'd _never_ thought about doing that with Taylor before then. Really."

"I can understand his reasoning, though, his way of dealing with it." I could; from what I'd seen, Tay was the kind of guy who solved problems by focusing on the parts he could handle, and denying the existence of the parts he couldn't. Not the most healthy way of dealing with things, I supposed, but it could've been worse.

"Yeah... and things are going really well, except I'm dying a little inside every time he says 'Sam' and I say 'Jordan'. Then he slips up. He says 'Zac'. And he looks like he wants to get up and run away, total deer in the headlights look. And I'm just thinking, there's no way I'm letting him leave now. So I say his name right back. Apparently it really fucking turned him on, and then... Well, you can just imagine how the rest of it went. Actually, how about you don't imagine that?"

"Too late." Those images I was having? Now in surround-sound.

"Oh, god..." Zac turned bright red; I laughed and nudged him, and he composed himself enough to continue. "So things are going really well, and we have this romantic dinner thing one night. And he starts talking about like, what if we could be together for real? Like if we weren't brothers or whatever? Saying he would leave Natalie... and I said I would leave Kate, too."

"...Wow." That was something I didn't expect. Zac hated change; the bigger, the worse. So agreeing to leave his wife, for a guy he'd only known a couple of months, that was a shocker. 

"And then he, um..." Zac lowered his voice to a whisper, even though we were the only ones in the room. "He asked me... if I would marry him." Zac paused again, and I swear I was holding my breath as I waited for him to finish. "I said yes."

"Zac..." I let out the breath I'd been holding all at once; and here I thought him agreeing to leave Kate was a surprise.

"Yeah?"

"Just... wow."

"I know. And I meant it, I really did. If I could... if we could... absolutely."

I nodded sadly; what was there to say? To be that in love with someone, but never being able to announce it, or make it official; I couldn't imagine a whole lot that would hurt more.

"So, fast forward again. We're laying in the studio one day, you know, in the afterglow or whatever. And he tells me he's seriously thinking of leaving Natalie, and she wants a divorce too. And I'm thinking he wants me to leave Kate, too; he keeps saying he won't ask me to, but... He's still telling me how awful she is, and I know he's right. And then he decides it's the perfect time to mention how I was her last choice of a Hanson brother. So she's a cunt, and so is Taylor." Zac laughed darkly, and it made me uneasy to see him so cynical.

"Definitely not the best timing."

"I was still... trying to defend her, trying to explain why I couldn't just leave her. Hell, do you think she'd actually give me a divorce anyway? Like hell. She's got her claws in too deep; she's not letting go." There was that cynicism again, that jaded edge to Zac's voice that seemed so unlike him. It hurt me almost as much as seeing him in pain, because it looked so much like giving up, something Zac never did.

"And anyway, it just didn't seem like... What difference would it make? I still couldn't be with Taylor."

"Not legally, no. But does that really matter?" I was a little confused bu the sudden shift in logic.

"I guess not... But then why make a big deal out of leaving our wives, if we're still just a big secret?"

I stared at him blankly. He was kidding, right? I prayed he was kidding. No one, not even him, could be that oblivious. I loved the kid, but sometimes... damn.

"Because it shows commitment."

 

**Zac**

“I hadn't thought of it that way.”

I blinked dumbly as I stared at Carrick. I still didn't even understand how he hadn't run from the room the second I had admitted that I was in love with my brother. That's what any sane person would have done-–not that Carrick ever claimed to be sane, of course. So here he was, not only listening to the whole, awful tale but... giving me advice?

No, not giving advice. Pointing out the fucking obvious.

So he was okay with it. He hadn't gotten up and run. He hadn't punched me. He hadn't called me sick. He hadn't done anything of the things I had expected him to do if he had ever found out the truth about me and Taylor. He had sat and listened to me, still interjecting little bits of his awful sense of humor even though I barely even had it in me to laugh. And now he was staring at me expectantly. Was he waiting for me to say something? What else could I say?

He was right. I hated to admit it, but he was right. It seemed so obvious, and I suddenly felt like crawling underneath the floor and hiding – not because he knew I had dated my brother, but because he had so simply pointed out how much of a shitty boyfriend I had been. It wasn't logical, but there it was. The awful truth. 

With just the cliff notes version of everything that had happened, he had managed to cut right through the bullshit and point out what I couldn't see. I knew there was a damn good reason I had invited him out here. I hadn't known then that he would be okay with this; then again, maybe a part of me had suspected it when his was the first number I dialed. Carrick had always been that one person--sometimes even more than Taylor, and always more than Kate--who I could turn to with anything.

“So let me get this straight,” he said, blinking a few times as he stared at me. “You guys were fighting, because you didn't want to leave your wife, who you pretty much hate, but you still wanted to have Taylor too?”

“You make me sound like a giant douchebag,” I replied. Maybe he hadn't exactly said that, but it was certainly how I felt. “I guess am.”

Carrick blinked again, and I thought I could see him starting to lose his patience with my idiocy. “No, just... well...”

“Okay, on a scale of one to Kate... how awful am I?” I couldn't help cracking a joke and a smirk. Someone had to bring my mood up, and I was suddenly beginning to doubt that Carrick was going to do it.

He returned my smirk, but only briefly, before sighing deeply. “Okay, so is that when he split?”

“No, not quite yet,” I replied. I had almost forgotten that I hadn't even finished the story. Awesome. Because living through it once clearly wasn't enough.

“There's more?” Carrick asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh yeah. Way more,” I replied, then took a deep breath. “So, he's basically calling me a coward, and he's right. Talking about how I won't come out, how I'm afraid to admit the truth, and so on. So what do I do? Stick my fucking foot my fucking mouth. I mean, it practically lives there.”

Carrick stared at me blankly and blinked. I supposed he didn't see where I was going with that. Maybe he didn't think even I could have been that awful, but he was wrong.

“I point out that he's in the closet too.”

“Barely.” Carrick snorted.

“Still, though,” I replied. So he found his sense of humor again, I guess. 

“Yeah, okay,” he said, no doubt trying to fight the urge to make some other comment about how flaming Taylor is.

“So he pulls out his fucking phone and...” I paused for emphasis, certain that Carrick had no clue what was coming next. “He. Calls. Nat.”

Carrick's eyes widened. “He didn't.”

“He did. He fucking did.”

“Holy shit...” Carrick said. “And he...?”

I nodded. “He came out to his soon to be ex-wife over the phone. Like it was fucking nothing. Like 'hey hon, I'm bi, what's for dinner,' basically.”

Carrick snorted, obviously trying to restrain his laughter just a bit. He tilted his head as he said, “Wow...”

“I wish he'd had the phone on speaker,” I replied with a laugh. 

“He must really love you,” Carrick said, his voice suddenly turning sincere.

It was odd enough to hear Carrick say anything sincere. But here he was, once again pointing out the obvious in a situation that was so fucking strange, I still didn't understand how he could find any logic in it at all.

“I guess... I guess he does.”

“Well, yeah,” Carrick replied. “I mean, putting himself on the line like that? Throwing it all out there, just so you'll feel safer about it?”

At the time, it had seemed like a slap in the face – just Taylor proving, once again, that he was a better man than me. And he was, but not just for the reasons I had thought. He _loved_ me, and he actually acted like it. Reeling a bit from the thought, I added, “He was ready to call Ike... even Mom and Dad... I mean, he didn't. But he threatened to.”

“Threatened? Or offered?” Carrick asked, his eyes narrowing a bit.

“It sounded like a threat,” I replied. “Or a challenge? I don't know. I was just in shock.”

Carrick nodded slowly. I didn't think he totally accepted my answer, but he was going to let me get away with it. “Okay... so then what?”

“So he keeps asking me...” I paused to take a deep breath. “Would it be different if I was with someone who wasn't my brother? And I don't... I mean, yeah, it would. Of course it would. But that doesn't mean I don't love him. But I just froze. I didn't know what to say.”

“So... if you could be with 'someone else,' you'd be willing to come out?” It was practically the same exact question Taylor had asked me, but something about the way Carrick said it made it easier to swallow. 

“It's not that I'm not willing now,” I said, and it was the truth. “I want to, but it's so fucking scary. And it means dealing with Kate.”

“Well, yeah. Of course it is,” Carrick replied. Again, he had this way of just being so blunt and saying everything that was so fucking obvious, and yet not pissing me off. I didn't understand it, but I liked it. It was just impossible to get mad at him. “I think all he wants to know is if you're willing to commit to him. Not an unfair question, is it?”

“I guess not.” And it wasn't. It wasn't unfair at all, but something about the way Taylor had gone about asking for it had just gotten under my skin in the worst way. “He just has a way of... being so fucking frustrating.”

“Well, yeah,” Carrick replied, laughing lightly. “You guys _are_ still brothers.”

I nodded, my eyes watering a little. It wasn't really from sadness, though. I was just so overwhelmed by all of this, everything that had happened since I got to the studio – including the fact that my best friend was sitting right next to me, basically telling me it was okay to be in love with my brother.

“So what, he thinks you were using him as an excuse not to come out?”

There was the bluntness again. It was like a punch in the gut, and I was almost breathless as I replied, “That's... that's exactly what he said.”

“And are you?”

“I... I didn't really see it that way...” I replied, not quite meeting his eyes.

“Zac...” He began, his voice the tiniest bit softer. “Answer me honestly. If we were dating, would you come out for me?”

I stared blankly at him, and he reached out to touch my cheek. Me and Carrick? Dating? I wasn't sure why that seemed like such a strange concept, considering what we had done the night before – and that morning – but it did. “That's... that's different.”

“Is it?” He asked softly.

I sighed. “No.”

“So?”

“So... I'm a fucking coward.”

Carrick smiled softly. I got the impression that he was almost proud of himself for leading me to that realization. It _was_ different to consider coming out with Carrick by my side, but only in that it would be a tiny bit easier. But even if it wasn't easy, it was still something I needed to do.

“I just wish that I knew that it would be as easy as it was to tell you. But it's not gonna be.”

“I know,” Carrick replied, smiling sadly.

I felt my eyes watering again as I imagined myself coming out to everyone and showing Taylor that I was committed to him. It almost seemed pointless to even think about. Sniffling, I said, “I do love Taylor. I really do. But I don't think he'll even believe me now. Not after... all of this...”

Carrick sighed. He knew that I wasn't just referring to the fight I had with Taylor, but to what he and I had done as well. I hoped he didn't think I was just using him to get back at Taylor or something like that. The thought that I might have hurt Carrick with all of my stupidity made me feel sick all over again.

“I am really sorry I drug you into the middle of this,” I said, hoping he understood what I meant. But it was Carrick; of course he understood all the things I didn't actually say.

To my surprise, he smiled. “Do I look upset?”

“Well... no,” I replied. “But you're a fucking weirdo.”

He laughed, but it didn't really soothe my worries. 

“I think I probably just fucked things up even worse, though,” I said. “I mean... no offense.”

“None taken,” Carrick replied, his hand gently brushing over my cheek. “But hey, you should go talk to him.”

“I can't imagine that ending well,” I said, trying not to wince at the thought of it.

“Never know until you try.”

“Can you like... stay nearby? Preferably with 911 on speed dial?” I asked, laughing nervously. It was a joke, but there was some real fear behind it.

Carrick gave me another smile and rubbed my back in that soothing way he had. “Sure. I'm not going anywhere.”

“Thank you so much, Carrick,” I replied, feeling my worries fading the tiniest little bit. “You are so, so, so amazing.”

He grinned. “Yeah, yeah, I know...”

“Best friend a guy could ask for,” I replied, not even caring that I was shamelessly stroking his ego. In this case, he absolutely deserved it.

To my surprise, I saw a few tears gathering in the corner of his eyes. I didn't know if that was a good reaction or not, but he was still smiling at me, so I decided it must have been good. Nudging me slightly, he said, “Go on.”

“Ugh, fine,” I replied, groaning, but standing up nevertheless. 

Carrick stood up as well, placing a hand on my shoulder. “Hey. You know where to find me.”

I nodded. “Just uh... keep your phone handy?”

Carrick gave me a nod as well. I couldn't find any other reason to delay, aside from pure cowardice, so I decided to just go for it. I walked out of the control booth slowly, and wandered up and down the halls of our office. I didn't see Taylor anywhere, and there really weren't very many good hiding places. As I checked what few places there were for him to hide, I called out his name, even though I doubted he would answer.

When he didn't reply, and didn't appear to be hiding anywhere inside the building, I finally walked out to the front. Through the large window, I could see that his car was gone. It didn't surprise me that he had just left, but it still left me with a sinking feeling.

I walked back inside and peeked my head into the control booth. Carrick had taken a seat in one of the chairs and was playing with a few of the action figures scattered around. “Carrick, uh... he left. So I'm gonna go look for him. You'll be alright here?”

“Yeah, I'll just hang here,” he replied with a nod, then smirked. “Go get your man.”

I rolled my eyes and laughed in spite of my worries. “I'm gonna try...”

He gave me a thumbs up and a wink.

“You are such a dork,” I replied, shaking my head as I walked back out of the room. I could hear Carrick chuckling as I went.

I drove around aimlessly for a while, trying to think of where Taylor could possibly have gone and what I could even say to him once I found him. I didn't really come up with an answer for the latter, but I had a feeling that he would go to this one park that we took the kids to a lot. It wasn't really busy, despite being in the middle of downtown, and it was close enough to our office that we could head over there for a little time off in the middle of the day sometimes. I don't know why, but I just had a feeling he would be there. When I spotted his car in the parking lot, I had to give myself an internal high five for finally being a little bit smart.

I parked my truck and took a few steps out into the grass of the park. I was pretty sure I saw Taylor on a bench not too far away, his back turned to me. I walked toward him as quietly as I could, fearing that if he even saw or heard me coming, he would get up and run. When I reached the bench, I stepped directly in front of him in an attempt to block him from leaving.

“Taylor.”

He didn't look up, but I could see him cringe. Sniffling loudly, he said, “What.”

“We need to talk.” I knew it was the most cliche thing I could have said, but it was true.

“Zac,” he said, sighing heavily. “It's fine. Really. I'm... happy for you.”

“Tay, that's not...” Did he think...? He couldn't. “That's not what I mean. I'm not... it's not what you think.”

He looked up at me and smiled sadly, his eyes puffy and red. God, how long had he sat there, crying over me? I felt like running away from him. He didn't deserve this. But I knew I _had_ to try to talk this through with him. 

With the tiniest, saddest smirk I've ever seen, Taylor asked, “So he wasn't dry humping you against the mixing board?”

I cringed. “No... that was pretty much what it looked like.”

Taylor nodded and looked down again. 

“And I...” I began, my voice sounding weak and pathetic. “I'm sorry I did that right there in the office. It was stupid and selfish.”

Taylor shrugged. He wasn't making this conversation easy, but I hadn't expected him to.

“But Tay, Carrick and me... we're not...” I trailed off, noticing that Taylor was shaking. I had to tell him, though. I couldn't stop. “We're not... dating. It's not like that.”

“Why not?” Taylor asked softly. “You should. You'd make a great couple.”

“No,” I said, shaking my head. “I mean, maybe we would, but I don't care. He's not who I want.”

Taylor cringed. Was it that horrible to hear that I wanted him? I didn't understand at all. I knew this wouldn't be easy, but it didn't even make sense. 

“Tay, I mean it. He's my best friend and I love him but not... not like that.” More softly, I added, “Not like I love you.”

His shoulders shook a little and I knew what was coming. Tears began to fall from his eyes and I had to muster all my strength and will to keep myself from crying too.

“Taylor...” I said softly. “Look, I know I've been a coward and a douchebag and...”

At that, he looked up and met my eyes. I half expected him to make some snarky comment, but he wasn't Carrick. He wasn't going to confirm that I was a douchebag, and he really didn't need to. I already knew it.

“And I'm sorry, okay?” 

Taylor closed his eyes and nodded softly. His voice so low I could barely hear him, he said, “I know. Me too.”

He was... what? It didn't make sense. “Tay, you... you don't need to apologize.”

His eyes snapped open. “I wasn't. I just meant, I'm sorry this had to happen.”

“Oh,” I replied. That wasn't what I expected, but I suppose I should have understood that was what he meant.

“Just...” Taylor sighed. “Go be with Carrick. He can give you what I can't.”

“Tay, no.” My voice was almost frantic. How much clearer could I make it that that wasn't what I wanted? Taylor looked down, more tears falling, and I tried again. “Taylor, I want to be with you.”

He looked up. “But you can't. Not the way you want to.”

“So?” I asked, shrugging.

Tay's fists tightened at his sides, and I backed up. Was he going to hit me? Not that I wouldn't have deserved it, but I didn't really think this was going to go that way. 

“Zac,” he began, his voice shaking. “I'm telling you. Go be happy.”

I groaned. “I'm not gonna be happy without you. Don't you get that?”

“Yes you will,” he replied, not meeting my eyes.

“No. I. Won't.”

“Please...” Taylor whispered.

I sighed. He obviously wasn't going to back down. I knew it was dumb, but I couldn't help thinking that if I made him think I was going to take his advice, he would suddenly take it back. Standing up as straight as I could and trying to keep my voice calm and firm, I said, “Okay. You know what? Fine. You're wrong, but fine.”

Taylor didn't say a word. His shoulders hunched and he seemed to shrink in on himself. He suddenly looked so much younger than twenty-nine. I stared at him, silently begging him to say something, anything. But he didn't.

When it seemed there was nothing else I could do, I turned and walked away. I could hear him crying, but I knew that it wouldn't stop even if I turned around and went back. Hell, that would probably only make it worse.

I refused to let myself cry until I was back in my truck, behind the safety of the tinted windows. The tears fell and fell, and were still falling when I decided I had been gone long enough that Carrick was probably starting to wonder what happened. With shaking hands, I pulled out my phone and dialed his number.

After a few rings, he picked up. “Hey...”

“Hey, umm,” I said, trying to hide my sniffles. “I found Taylor.”

“And... I take it you're not having sweet make-up sex?”

In spite of myself, I chuckled. “Yes, Carrick. I'm balls deep in Taylor right now and it just seemed like a good time to call you.”

“Kinky,” he choked out between laughs. “So you top and bottom, huh?”

“Seriously, umm,” I said, sniffling again. “I know I started it, but... can we not? Not right now?”

“Yeah,” he replied, his voice surprisingly serious.

“It, umm... it did not go well.”

“Kinda guessed that, by your oh-so-cheerful tone.”

I wiped back a few tears. “Yeah... it was really fucking bad, actually. Although, surprisingly, he didn't punch me.”

“No?” Carrick replied, and I wondered if he had thought that was a possibility, too. 

“He was just... really quiet.”

Carrick sighed. He was no doubt holding back some comment he wanted to make, and I didn't know whether to be glad or upset that he wouldn't say it. I tried to prepare myself for what I had to say next, but it wasn't easy.

“And he said... he said...” The sentence trailed off and turned into a sob.

“Zac...” Carrick said softly.

“I'll umm...” I said, fighting back another sob. “I'll be back at the office in a few minutes, okay? And then let's get the fuck out of there.”

He chuckled softly. “Sure.”

“Okay. See you soon.” I let out one last sniffle, then hung up the phone.

I drove back to the office as quickly as I could, even though my eyes were so clouded with tears that I could barely see the road. I didn't need to see it. I knew it like the back of my hand, and in just a few short minutes, I was sitting outside the office. I pulled out my phone and sent Carrick a quick text to let him know I was outside. For some reason, I couldn't even bear the thought of walking inside again after what had happened there.

Barely a minute passed before Carrick opened the passenger door and climbed into my truck. I quickly wiped my tears away and tried to pretend I hadn't been bawling, but there was no use. He could have seen right through me even if the evidence hadn't been all over my face and the front of my shirt.

“Oh, Zac...” he mumbled, reaching his hand out to touch my cheek.

I sniffled a little, but stopped trying to fight the tears. I let them roll on down my face, and Carrick tried his best to wipe each and every one away. It was an impossible task, but I couldn't have even put into words how much I appreciated him trying. Things were far, far from okay, but with Carrick there, they were the tiniest little bit better.


	11. Chapter 11

**Carrick**

"I think you definitely need a smoke." Zac was barely finished shutting the door behind me when I grabbed his bag of weed and dropped myself onto the couch.

"You just always wanna get me drugged up, don't you?" Zac smirked weakly, but his usual humor wasn't there. Not that I could blame him, after everything he'd been through, especially in the past twenty-four hours.

"If I remember correctly, the first time we smoked together it was your idea, not mine." I smirked as I thought back to that day, how adorably awkward he'd been about it, like he thought I was going to judge him and call him a pothead. Instead I'd just handed him my lighter, and the rest, as they say, was history.

"Well, that's true. You certainly didn't say no, though."

"Course not." I handed the finished joint to Zac, and promptly started a second one; I had a feeling we'd need at least two before the night was over. We sat quietly for a few minutes, me rolling and Zac sparking. Finally I finished, sitting back against the couch and looking at him. I knew this conversation wasn't going to be pleasant, but sometimes you have to go through the crap to get to the good stuff; if anyone knew that, it was Zac.

"You ready to talk about it?"

"Not much to say really." Zac exhaled slowly, and I could practically see the weight on his shoulders. "I tried to apologize, tell him it wasn't exactly what it looked like."

"What, so I wasn't dry-humping you against the mixing board?" I couldn't help joking about it; I had to make Zac see the humor in it, or I knew he would dwell on the negative, just making his mood worse.

"No, you definitely were, you horny bastard."

"Didn't hear you complaining." I let my eyes flicker up and down his body for a moment, slow enough for Zac to see, but quick enough not to interrupt him.

"But I mean... No offense, but we're not, like..."

"I know," I cut him off, nodding.

"That's okay, right? I mean..." Zac trailed off, and I smiled. He was being so careful not to hurt my feelings, bless his confused little heart.

"I told you. This," I motioned between us for a moment, "Means whatever you want it to mean."

"You'd be crazy to date a closet case with brother issues like me, anyway." Zac chuckled, taking another hit, but I just shrugged.

"Well we already know I'm crazy, so that's nothing new," I joked. Zac cracked up, losing the smoke he'd just inhaled.

"Damn it, man," he coughed, both of us laughing lightly. The mood didn't last though, and too soon Zac's smile was gone.

"So, I don't think he believed me anyway. He wouldn't... listen to me. He said I would be happier with you." 

"Zac..." I tilted my head, going over everything Zac had told me. "The fight you guys had before, about if you could be with someone else..."

"Yeah?" Zac asked, a bit nervously.

"Was that just in general? Or..." I couldn't hide the smirk, and neither could Zac, answering my question before he even opened his mouth.

"You narcissistic bastard. Yes, it was in general. Mostly."

"Uh huh..." I wasn't buying it, and Zac knew it.

"We... had talked about you before, though."

"Oh really?"

"It's not... the first time he's told me to be with you." Zac paused, and I looked at him curiously. It seemed a little strange, thinking of Zac's boyfriend (not to mention brother) telling Zac he'd be better off with me.

"And I told him no then, too. And that you weren't into dudes," Zac added with a laugh. I just laughed and shook my head; I really couldn't get enough of how adorably oblivious he could be.

"Hey, quit bogarting it," I snapped playfully as Zac took yet another hit off the joint I had yet to receive. Zac's microscopic attention span was cute and all, but didn't anyone ever tell him sharing is caring?

"Sorry..." Zac grinned sheepishly and passed me the half-smoked joint; I took a couple of hits before returning it.

"Now what was that you were saying?"

"You're gonna laugh at me again." Zac whined, pouting a bit.

"Probably," I agreed with a smirk.

"When I talked to Jordan, I eventually admitted to him that I'd thought about guys before. When I was younger, it was no one in particular. No one I knew personally. But I told him I had this one friend... One of the only ones I might be okay with coming out to... Who I had..." Zac took a breath, mumbling the last few words almost unintelligibly. "Hadsexdreamsabout."

"What was that?" I asked, leaning closer, smirking gleefully. I knew exactly what he said, but he was just too much fun to tease.

"You fucking heard me." Zac paused again, but I just shrugged. "So... After Taylor and I... He got curious and asked who the friend was. And that's when he said I should... be with you instead."

Zac fell quiet, taking a long hit and holding it. He stared at his feet, his face hidden by his hair. I wanted to comfort him, but the thought of him having sex dreams about me was just too distracting. Sometimes even I was surprised at how easily my brain could switch modes, from sentimental to horny. 

"Nice to know it wasn't just me," I said softly. He slowly turned to look at me, surprise painted all over his beautiful face. Yeah, about those sentimental/horny moments... Heck, sometimes I was both. Especially when it came to Zac. In fact, I couldn't think of a time when I didn't feel a strong urge to bone him til we were both sore, and hold him and tell him things would be alright. At the same time. 

 

**Zac**

“What?” I asked, blinking dumbly at Carrick.

Carrick just smiled. “You heard me.”

“What?!” I was pretty sure my brain had just shut down, because I couldn't think of a single other word to say.

“Oh come on, Zac,” he replied. “You were gorgeous as hell, hilarious, we had everything in common... sounds pretty perfect to me.”

I blinked, willing my brain to start working again. “You... about me?!”

“Try to keep up,” Carrick said, rolling his eyes.

“You're asking a blonde stoner to keep up. Wishful thinking, dude.”

Carrick laughed hard. “A shitty stoner at that. You're letting a perfectly good jay go to waste there.”

“Oh... oops,” I replied, looking down at my hand and finding that he was right. I passed the joint to him and he stared into my eyes as he took a hit. The intensity of his stare made me a little nervous. “Excuse me for forgetting that after finding out my best friend had wet dreams about me.”

Carrick just smirked and shrugged. I had a feeling my reaction to this was really amusing him.

“I realize that shouldn't come as a surprise,” I added, feeling my cheeks heating up. “I mean, not after we've...”

“Yeah...” Carrick replied with a grin, thankfully sparing me from finishing that sentence.

“But damn... I spent a whole tour washing my bunk sheets every damn day, when I could been...” I trailed off at the end of that too, embarrassed for even admitting that much.

Carrick laughed aloud, and I blushed deeper. That didn't seem to bother him at all. “That shouldn't be turning me on, right?” He asked, winking.

“Probably not, but I am in no position to judge what turns _you_ on,” I replied, hoping he would get the subtle reference to Taylor. I still didn't understand at all how Carrick could be so cool about that, but he was and I definitely wasn't taking that for granted.

“Okay,” he said, sighing. “So, Tay thinks we should date?”

“That's what he said.”

“Did he say why?” Carrick asked. “I mean, why he thinks that?”

“Said it would make me happy,” I replied, shrugging it off. “I guess... I guess because we could maybe be public?”

“And that really matters to him? Or to you?”

“I think...” I considered my words carefully. I knew Carrick wouldn't let me get away with some bullshit answer. “He thinks it matters to me?”

“Well, you did seem to care about the whole marriage deal,” Carrick pointed out. 

I sighed. “I do really fucking wish I could be public with him. It's been... so hard to believe that it's real.”

“Why?” Carrick asked, blinking at me as though what I had just said made no sense at all. I didn't think that was the case, but with me, it was always a possibility.

“Well, the whole... name thing. And I tried to explain it to him, but I don't know if he got it.”

Carrick nodded slowly. “okay...”

“Even the second time we were together, he didn't let me--” As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I realized that I really didn't want to tell Carrick about that. A pitiful little whimper escaped my mouth and I shut it quickly to avoid saying anything else.

“Didn't let you what?” Carrick asked, his brow furrowing. Of course he wasn't going to let me get away with not talking; who the hell did I think I was talking to, anyway?

“Say his name...”

Carrick blinked. “Why the hell not?”

“It was this... role playing thing,” I mumbled, hoping it was loud enough for Carrick to hear, because I _really_ did not want to repeat myself.

“Huh,” he replied. “So even after you told him your issues with the name thing, he suggested that? That's not cool...”

I frowned. That wasn't what I meant for Carrick to take away from that. I tried to back up and begin again, hoping I could get the story right this time. “No, it was my idea. The role playing was, I mean.”

“But... wait,” Carrick said, blinking again. “I thought you said...”

“Well, I wanted it... rough,” I admitted.

“And so what, he made you call him master or something?”

“Umm... yes.” Seriously, how the hell did Carrick do that? Was he actually inside my brain? And if so, how was he not terrified and disgusted?

Carrick let out a breath. “Wow... okay, yeah. That's pretty low.”

Maybe we still weren't on the same page. I wasn't _mad_ at Taylor, exactly. It wasn't his fault that all the name stuff fucked with my head so much. I shook my head and tried yet again, “Well... no. I mean, I kinda started it.”

“Okay, so wait,” Carrick said, confusion written all over his face. “So, you wanted it rough, started doing some roleplaying, and he followed through with what you wanted.... And, you're upset about it?”

“Well, when you put it that way...” I frowned.

“Feel free to correct me, Zac. I'm just trying to understand.”

“No, you're pretty much right,” I admitted. “And it was pretty hot at the time. It just bothered me later, when I thought about it.”

Carrick nodded slowly. 'Well, did you guys talk about it? Like, did you tell him it upset you?”

“Yeah...”

“And what'd he say?”

“He was confused,” I replied. “Probably because, as you pointed out, I make no sense at all.”

Carrick smirked slightly, then said, “Umm, you said it, not me.”

“You were thinking it, don't even deny it,” I replied.

He only smirked more and shrugged.

“I think he tried to understand, though,” I added, thinking back to that conversation.

“Well, did he try to make it right?”

“Yeah,” I replied. “We've only used our real names since then.”

“Okay,” he said, nodding. “So, that was it, until the big freak-out?”

“Mostly,” I replied, sighing. Taylor hadn't really done anything wrong at all, I realized. “I mean, there's me being an insecure bastard.”

“You?” Carrick asked, snorting. “Never...”

I laughed. “More like always.”

Carrick laughed and nodded in agreement. “So, anything specific?”

“Just... apparently there was another guy,” I replied. “I mean, in the past. And not just the distant past.”

“Okay...” he replied.

“I guess it was just sex to him. But not to Tay,” I continued. Why was I even telling him this? He was friends with Alex. I couldn't seem to stop myself from talking, though. But I knew I had to be careful about how I said all of this.

“Ouch...” Carrick replied.

“And the way Taylor talked about him...” I paused there, collecting myself a bit. Carrick nodded knowingly. “It just doesn't seem like it's over for him. I mean, it was years ago, but then we ran into him at this thing last year... I never knew, but I always had a weird feeling about him. He just seemed like a douche.”

Carrick snorted. I hoped he hadn't figured out who I was talking about, but I didn't think I had said enough for him to put two and two together.

“So I guess they... hooked up or whatever, again. And then Al--umm, he told Tay it meant nothing.” Shit. So much for not saying who it was. Maybe I had caught myself in time, though. But the look on Carrick's face said that I hadn't.

“Not... not Alex?”

I cringed. “I shouldn't have said anything...”

“Wow,” Carrick replied, his eyes narrowing. “Well, you were right. He is a douche.”

“So my gaydar is broken, but I know a douche when I see one.”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Carrick replied, laughing.

“But god... the look in Taylor's eyes when he talked about him...” I couldn't even describe it. Well, I could. But I didn't want to and I really didn't like to think about it.

Carrick smirked. “Kinda like the look in your eyes when you talk about him?”

Probably. And that only made it worse to think about. I had to change the subject. “You know, when we talked online, he... Jordan... seemed so experienced.”

“Well, yeah. That's online,” Carrick pointed out. “It's easy to type stuff and sound like a pro.”

“But it was just Alex. And they didn't even...”

“No?” Carrick asked.

“Not all the way...” I replied.

“Wow...” Carrick replied. “So, you and Tay... you were each others' firsts?”

He smiled a little as he said it, and I nodded. I wasn't really sure why that seemed to make him happy.

“That's really sweet. Romantic.”

“I guess,” I replied. After the last few days, it was hard for me to even think about what had been good about our relationship. Not that there had really been that much _bad_ , but it had all blown up in my face so horribly that it was hard to even remember being happy.

Carrick took a deep breath. “Okay, so remind me again why you two are fighting? I kinda lost it...”

I had to think about that for a second. It felt like Carrick was testing me, checking to see if I even knew the right answer. I wasn't sure that I did, but I was sure that if I was wrong, he would tell me. “Because... I was using him as an excuse not to come out?”

He nodded slowly, trying not to smirk. “Right.”

“And he thinks I would be happier with someone I could come out with... like you.”

“Well, I hate to say it, but in his eyes, you just proved him right,” Carrick replied with a sad smile.

“I...” Nothing more than that little syllable would come out. I couldn't disagree with him. He was right. I knew he was, and I hated it.

“Think about it from his point of view for a second, Zac. How would it look to you?”

“Like... like I was rubbing it in his face that I was with you,” I replied, hanging my head. “And I guess I did.”

Carrick winced, then nodded a bit. It occurred to me that I hadn't really taken his feelings into consideration at any point in all this, and that wasn't fair at all. So I was a horrible boyfriend and a horrible best friend. Awesome.

“I'm really so fucking sorry I drug you into this. I just didn't know who else to talk to and...”

He cut me off with a shake of his head. 'Don't worry about it.”

I looked away, biting my lip. I _was_ going to worry about it, no matter what he said. It was just more proof that I could do nothing right.

“So, what're you gonna do now?”

I sighed. That was the question, wasn't it? And I had absolutely no clue. I had already proven Taylor right, in a way. How could I make him see that he was the one I loved and wanted to be with when he had seen me with Carrick? It seemed hopeless.

“I don't know. How can I prove to him how I feel? Other than, obviously, not letting you dry hump me against the mixing board.”

Carrick gave me a little smirk. “Well, I think first you need to sort out exactly how it is you feel.”

“Well...” I began, already regretting letting myself start down that path before the words had even left my lips. “It's possible that I had, uh... ulterior motives when I called you to come out here?”

“Oh?” Carrick replied, sounding absolutely not surprised at all.

“I wanted to see what it would be like...” I couldn't believe I was saying it. Not quite meeting Carrick's eyes, I mumbled, “With someone other than Taylor.”

He nodded. “And?”

I wasn't sure how to say it and not hurt his feelings, but he _did_ ask and I couldn't lie to him. So, at the risk of offending him, I said, “Don't get me wrong, it was damn good. But... something was different.”

Carrick gave a small smile and nodded. I wasn't reassured, though. Shouldn't he have seemed at least a little bit hurt by that? 

“You're pretty damn amazing, in like every way,” I said, and it was the truth. “But... you're not Tay.”

“Nope...” he replied, still hardly seeming bothered at all by what I had said.

I was pretty sure we had gotten away from the point somewhere along the way. I thought back to his original question and pouted a little. “So... if I'm gonna convince him, I probably shouldn't have sex with you again.”

“Probably,” Carrick said, giving me a sad smile.

“Too bad I didn't man up on the tour, I guess,” I said with a smirk. It was a joke, in a way, but I did wonder just how different things might have turned out if I had let myself admit how I felt back then. 

“Yeah, well,” Carrick replied, smirking a little, then sighing. “Honestly though? I think it's about more than just me. And I think you know that.”

“What do you mean?”

He rolled his eyes. “Zac... think about your fights with him. What do they all boil down to?”

“Umm...” I stuttered out, feeling like I was few steps behind Carrick. 

“Tell me something, Zac,” he said. “And don't take this the wrong way. I'm just pointing this out. What all has he done in order to make you happy?” 

I blinked. It seemed like such a simple, obvious question, but it wasn't one I would have ever thought to ask myself if Carrick hadn't asked. I didn't even know how or where to begin to answer it. I struggled to find my voice again. “Well... he's not leaving Natalie just to make me happy.”

Carrick only stared at me. I knew that had been the wrong answer, but it was the most obvious place to start. 

“But... he did come out to her when I pushed him.”

He held up one finger. “Okay, what else?”

“And...” I paused to think. This wasn't as easy as it should have been, and I didn't know why. I thought back to the way I had explained the name thing to Carrick earlier, and realized that I had been far more in the wrong than Taylor. “Well, he got over the name thing.” 

Carrick held up another finger.

Thinking about that sent my train of thought off in another direction. I remembered what Taylor had said about how he was usually the sub, and I felt my face heating up. “And umm... he kinda got outside his comfort zone with the whole... master thing...”

“That's three,” Carrick replied, holding up a third finger. “Anything else?”

It actually gave me a headache to think about this. But more than that, it made my _heart_ ache to think about all that Taylor had done for me. He had been so ridiculously good to me and what had I done? Taken it for granted and then thrown Carrick in his face? I felt absolutely horrible. Trying not to show how close I was to breaking down, I said, “Well... I was his first. That's something, right?”

“I'd say so,” Carrick said with a nod. “When you tried to make up, did he say he didn't want you back?”

“No...” I replied. He hadn't, really, at least not those exact words.

“Or, just guessing, did he say you'd be happier with me?”

“Yeah, that's what he said,” I replied, my voice breaking just a tiny bit.

Carrick held out a full hand. He might as well have slapped me with it. His face stern, he asked, “Now... what about you?”

“I...” I stuttered out, staring uselessly at him. I knew what he was asking, but I didn't even have the words to say it. What had I done? Nothing, especially compared to Taylor.

“What have you put into the relationship?” He asked, his face and voice still stern.

“Apparently, not a whole hell of a lot,” I replied, frowning. There had to be something, though. I hadn't been _that_ awful, had I? “I mean, he was my first... and I tried to go along with calling him Jordan...”

“Okay... anything else?”

I shook my head. No. There was nothing. I really was that awful.

Carrick nodded sadly and sat back. He had proven his point. I wondered how he could even stand me, knowing that I had been that awful to Taylor. Not to mention how bad of a friend I had been to him... 

“I'm a worthless asshole, aren't I?” I asked, almost afraid to even meet Carrick's eyes.

“You're not worthless.”

“Just an asshole?”

“You said it, not me,” he replied, giving me a weak smile.

“You thought it,” I shot back.

He didn't deny it. “Starting to see his side a bit better now?”

“Yeah,” I replied, nodding. With a weak grin, I asked, “Do you think I could hire you to be my Taylor translator? I mean, it could get awkward during sex...”

Carrick laughed, then smirked. Raising an eyebrow slightly, he replied, “Hmm... ya know...”

His smirked turned evil and I blinked at him, unsure if I even wanted to know what he was thinking. With Carrick, you never really knew just how twisted the next thing out of his mouth was going to be, but that was really just part of his charm.

“Could be a good way to...” He paused and cleared his throat. “Relieve some tension... Know what I'm saying?”

“Umm...” I stuttered, blushing. “You're not... I was kidding...”

“Just a thought...” he replied, shrugging. How could he just shrug off the suggestion of a threesome like it was nothing? It wasn't nothing to me. I could feel my whole body heating up just thinking about it.

In spite of myself, I mumbled, “A hell of a thought...”

Carrick's eyes widened a little. “Yeah?”

“What?” I asked, attempting to hide my thoughts and look innocent. It didn't matter if I succeeded, though; I knew Carrick would see right through me. He leaned forward and it made he shiver a little.

“I wouldn't mind sharing,” he said, his voice a bit husky. I trembled again, and he only gave me a wink.

I gulped. “You're not the one I'm worried about...”

“Yeah,” he replied, chuckling lightly. “But you gotta admit, it'd be hot... getting it from both of us?”

He inched closer to me as he said it, and I trembled harder. My eyes felt as wide as saucers at the thought of what he was suggesting, and I struggled to form even a single word. “I... I... both?!”

“Yeah,” he said, looking me up and down and licking his lips. His voice was barely above a whisper as he continued, “Us taking turns, one getting sucked, one getting fucked... or the other way around...”

“Jesus...” I whimpered. Just thinking about it was enough to make me go crazy; I couldn't imagine actually doing that... with both of them...

Carrick laughed a little and sat back, adjusting himself none too subtly. I probably needed to do the same, but I wasn't sure I even had the motor control left to move an inch. With a little smirk, Carrick said, “Yeah well, first we gotta get you two back on speaking terms, let alone screwing terms.”

“Yeah...” I said with a heavy sigh. “Although, there's something to be said for angry sex...”

He laughed. “Yeah, I remember you got pretty... aggressive yesterday...”

“That was... different,” I replied. “I'm not like that with Taylor.”

With a tilt of his head, Carrick asked, “Not trying to pry, just curious, but... how are you with Taylor?”

“Umm... I seem to find myself saying 'please' all the time...” I admitted, noticing the way Carrick smiled. “I'm just... a lot more submissive.”

“Makes sense,” he replied matter-of-factly.

“How so?”

“Well, think about it,” Carrick said. “He's your big brother. You look up to him. Hell, you practically worship him. So it makes perfect sense that you'd feel submissive to him, wanting his approval.”

“I really am in awe of your brain, you know,” I replied. I didn't even care that I was shamelessly stroking Carrick's ego; it was the truth. He grinned, and I added, “How many people could turn the statement of 'obviously you want your big brother to dominate the fuck out of you' into something logical?”

“It is logic, Zac,” Carrick replied, laughing. “Just not to you.”

“Well, I guess,” I said. It did make sense, after all. “I just admire your ability to say all that without being all... grossed out or whatever.”

He shrugged. “Love is love, man.”

It was such a typically Carrick reply, and it made me smile. At least some small part of my world still made sense. I still didn't really get how he could be so understanding, but I was so grateful that he was, and so grateful that after everything that had happened that day, he was still... Carrick. My ridiculously smart, ridiculously perverted best friend. And speaking of perverted...

“In fact, it seems like it turns you on a little,” I said, wiggling my eyebrows. His guilty smirk said it all, and I smacked his arm playfully. “Eww, you totally wanna fuck my brother.”

“Who doesn't...” He laughed, blushing just a little bit. That was new. Since when did he blush? 

“Good point,” I replied. I tilted my head to the side a little as I thought back over our conversation that day and the day before. “So hey...”

“Yeah?”

“You know how you were, like, the exact opposite of surprised that Tay's bi... and, what you said about him being a flirt...”

His blushed deepened, and he laughed nervously. “Yeah?”

“Is there... something you're not telling me?”

“Not really...” He tried to smirk, but I wasn't buying it.

“Only kind of?” I offered.

He sighed and looked away. Yeah, he was hiding something, and I wanted to know what. After all, Taylor had seemed so confused when I told him Carrick wasn't into guys. I hadn't quite figured it all out, but there was _definitely_ something the two of them hadn't told me.

“Carrick...”

He glanced my way and gave me a little smile. “It wasn't anything, really... He was totally shit-faced.”

“Uh huh...” I replied, waiting for him to continue. He didn't. Instead, he looked away from me again, his cheeks turning redder. “Okay, was it nothing nothing or nothing like Tay said Alex was nothing?”

He chuckled. “I think... somewhere in between.”

So it was something. I knew it. And somehow, it didn't really bother me. After all that had happened – not to mention the fact that I now apparently had a threesome fantasy – it didn't really seem like I had any right to be upset by what Carrick and Taylor might or might not have done.

“Just fucking tell me, dude. Whatever it is, I've done it to or with both of you,” I pointed out, laughing weakly.

“Okay, okay,” Carrick replied, returning my laugh, and letting out a deep breath.

 

**Carrick**

"It was a few years ago; we were at some party or something, I forget where." I paused, trying to remember the slightly fuzzy details. I hadn't thought about that night in a long time. "Like I said, he was gone. I was buzzed, but not that bad."

"He does that," Zac mused, smiling a bit. I could only imagine the things Zac must have seen, and I had to admit, it made me a little jealous.

"Anyway, he was laying it on thick; the eyes, the pout, the whole thing."

"I'm familiar with that, yes."

"And, um..." I looked down, smiling and - surprisingly - blushing. It was pretty rare, getting me to blush; but remembering how hard Tay had been working to win me over... Well the guy has a natural born talent for seduction. "Well, he kinda kissed me."

"Oh," Zac said after a moment. "Well, that explains why he was so sure you weren't straight, I guess."

"Yeah... Anyway, he wanted to go somewhere. But I didn't," I quickly added as Zac's eyes bulged. "I told him I wouldn't, not with him that wasted. He never mentioned it, so I don't know if he even remembered it the next day."

Zac sighed, leaning back against the couch. I wondered what was going on in his head, if he was feeling jealous, or relieved, or if it even bothered him. He seemed to be taking it just fine, though.

"So, I guess I've always been a little curious." I wanted to get Zac talking again; it wasn't that the silence was uncomfortable, but he was finally opening up, and I wanted to encourage it.

"About... Taylor." It wasn't a question, but at the same time, it was. Or a statement that needed confirmation.

"Can you blame me?"

"Not at all," Zac laughed. I laughed along, glad that he didn't seem too upset by it.

"Well alright then. Plus, watching you two... It'd be better than porn." I winked at Zac, letting the raunchy images flow freely. They were both hot as hell, do the two of them together would be twice as hot, at least. Zac just blinked, tilting his head slightly; suddenly he burst out laughing.

"What?"

"You realize, you've had almost as many Hansons as Kate?" Zac snickered, and after letting that little observation sink in, I cracked up. It was a bizarre comparison, to say the least, but I couldn't help laughing.

"You dirty slut," Zac teased, giggling.

"You love it," I shot back, smirking, and Zac laughed.

"Well you're better at it than her, that's for sure." 

"Oh yeah?" I raised an eyebrow at him; I wasn't sure how I felt about being compared to his wife, but at least it was in my favor.

"It's not really a huge accomplishment," Zac answered, shrugging. "Then again, what do I know about whether or not a chick is good in bed?"

I snorted in response, and we fell silent for a moment. I was glad that Zac was coming to terms with everything, slowly but surely. It just blew that he was kind of making a mess of things. I took a deep breath, trying to keep the dirty thoughts at bay for the moment.

"Okay, so let's get our minds out of the gutter for a sec."

"Is that even possible?"

"Not really," I admitted, chuckling. "But seriously though. How are we going to get you and Tay back together?"

"I have no fucking clue."

"Well try looking at it from his view. If you were him, what would you want?"

"The one where I'm an asshole? Oh wait, that's everyone's view."

I stared at Zac; I could understand his self-hating mood, but it wasn't going to get anything fixed.

"Sorry," he finally said, pouting.

"Besides that," I smirked.

"Well... I need to show him I'm committed, right?" Zac paused, and I nodded, encouraging him to go on. "So, no more control board humping?" Zac actually pouted at that, and it melted my heart just a little, even though I rolled my eyes.

"Ya think?"

"Yeah..."

"Although..." The dirty thoughts were fighting back, in the form of a lusty smirk gracing my lips. "That was pretty hot."

"Yeah," Zac agreed again, nodding. I let my thoughts drift back to that morning, replaying the scene in my head, imagining how it would've gone if we hadn't been interrupted.

"Anywho," I started up again, shaking my head and smirking. Now wasn't the time.

"Right... So I probably need to do something about the 'Devil from Georgia'." Zac motioned towards the door leading to the main house, and I nodded.

"That'd probably be a good start."

"You better have my back when she tries to murder me; God, I sound like a wimp. I swear, I am _not_ scared of my own wife."

"It's cool, man, I'd be scared of her too," I joked, smirking. "Can I try to murder her back?" I watched as Zac's eyes widened, almost fearfully.

"What is it with people threatening that?!"

"What?" I knew Kate wasn't the most popular girl in the family, but just how many people wanted her not so alive?

"Taylor's always making these weird comments about if she ever hurts me again," Zac said quietly. I let his words sink in, a grin slowly creeping across my face. 

"That. Is adorable."

"I guess..." Zac said reluctantly, frowning a bit.

"It is. It's like protective big brother and protective lover, at the same time. It's sweet." Not that I'd doubted Zac, but hearing about Taylor defending him so vehemently really struck home how deeply he cared about him; it was almost enough to make a guy jealous.

"Or it could be signs of a latent homicidal streak. Taylor can be very... intense."

"Intense, huh?" I smirked, knowing what Zac meant, but also knowing what he was accidentally implying. Tay didn't strike me as the 'intense' type when it came to relationships, but people can surprise you.

"Well, yeah..." Zac blushed again, adorably, and I smiled. Even when not saying anything, I could just tell how much Zac loved Taylor. I was happy for him, even if the situation wasn't the best at the moment. So of course I'd do anything in my power to help him be happy.

"Anyway, moving on. So what are you going to do?"

"I guess I should talk to Kate," Zac sighed. "I mean, I've been ignoring her forever, especially since you got here."

"She doesn't know I'm here, does she?"

"No," Zac admitted, shaking his head and looking away. I had to chuckle at that; Zac was usually the last person to be non-confrontational, except when it came to his wife. It really pissed me off way more than I let on, thinking about how she treated him.

"I guess... I should probably go talk to her soon, though. I can't hide up here forever... unfortunately."

"Yeah," I agreed, smirking. "No tv." That got Zac to laugh, a sound that I'd been sorely missing since I got here.

"Yeah, I've been missing my video games. Also, I am starving right now, and the only thing in that fridge over there is Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper."

"Well you wanna go out and grab a bite?" 

"How about we kill two birds with one stone?" Zac asked; I tilted my head, curious what he was thinking. "Let's go get something from the main house; there's plenty of food there." So that was his plan. My eyes widened, a small smirk tugging at the corner of my mouth.

"You sure about that?" I was pretty sure Kate was home, but that was Zac's point. I was a little afraid for him, but more excited about the show I was probably about to see.

"Absolutely," Zac said firmly, nodding and standing up. "I ought to let Kate know about our house guest anyway." Zac smirked mischievously, and I chuckled. It was good to see a spark of the Zac I knew again.

"This is gonna be good," I laughed, standing and following Zac.

"Yeah, well. You're probably safe from her wrath, so you can say that."

"You'll live, dude," I chuckled, patting Zac on the back.

"You say that now," he muttered under his breath as we headed into the kitchen. I just smiled; let the show begin.


	12. Chapter 12

**Zac**

To say that I was scared shitless of confronting Kate was an understatement. An extreme understatement. Words that could adequately describe how much that conversation scared me hadn't been invented yet. I knew I had to do it, though, and the sooner the better. With Carrick by my side, I felt the tiniest bit more confident.

I took him by the hand and led him down the stairs and into the house. There was a tiny little hallway between the garage and the house, and I stood there for a second, mustering up all my courage. Carrick gave my hand a tiny squeeze and smiled at me reassuringly. If he thought I could do this, then I supposed I could. With one last look at him, I took a deep breath, dropped his hand, and pushed open the door that lead into the kitchen.

Kate was standing at the sink, washing dishes, and I was pretty sure she didn't hear me come in. I cleared my throat. “Hey, Kate.”

“Zac, I--” She spun around as she said it, and I could see the surprise in her eyes as she noticed Carrick standing by my side. “Oh. Hello. Thank you so much for telling me we had company, dear.” 

“Hey, Katie,” Carrick said with a smirk. I resisted the urge to smirk as well; he knew how much she hated it when he used that nickname. No one but me and her family were allowed to call her that. And Carrick was definitely not someone she considered family.

I felt my confidence fade a little as her eyes narrowed. “Uh... sorry. He just came out here last night.”

“Uh huh. Right,” she replied with a nod, turning back to the dishes. “Still would have been nice if I'd been informed. Or if someone had bothered to pick up a bit.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Carrick rolling his. He never did really have the patience to put up with Kate's shit; that was probably the biggest reason they didn't get along. Sometimes – especially right then – I wished I were a lot more like him. 

“Hey, I've been out in the garage. Very little of this,” I said, waving my arm around at the messy kitchen, “is my fault.”

Kate spun around again and glared at me. Yeah, I had definitely said the wrong thing. I had a way of doing that. “Oh Really? So I'm supposed to believe it was the kids that ate the last of the cake, which was on the top shelf of the fridge, and left the plate on the counter?”

“No, that one was me,” I replied, giggling. I didn't remember whatever cake she was talking about, but I figured it was safe to assume that I had had a serious case of the munchies. Oops.

“Or drank the rest of the milk and left an empty carton?”

“Also me,” I said. That one I did remember; it was a long standing bad habit of mine that Kate had never quite been able to break. Her eyes narrowed and I shrugged. “Sorry.”

She rolled her eyes and huffed. “Just one, I wish you had to see what I put up with every day... anyway, aren't you supposed to be at work?”

“Yeah... uh...” I stuttered out, remembering that morning's events. “We weren't really getting any work done. Not a good day.”

“Gee, I wonder why,” she replied, staring pointedly at Carrick and sneering.

His eyes widened a bit and he smirked. “Aww, is someone talking about me?”

“He may have been a... distraction,” I replied, unable to contain my own smirk.

Carrick snorted, and I could tell he was trying really hard not to laugh. Kate didn't get the joke, I was sure. How could she? She would never have suspected me of... something like that. Still, her patience with me – what little she had to begin with – was running out. I watched as she took a deep breath and then said, “Zachary...”

“Kathryn...” I echoed, shamelessly mocking her. I could see the anger written all over her face, her eyes flaring.

“Would it be too much to ask for just a little help around here, before you go back to goofing off with your little friend?”

“Not that little...” Carrick muttered, just barely loud enough for me to hear. I glanced over at him and couldn't help giggling at his guilty little smirk.

Kate's eyes flickered to Carrick, then back to me. “Is something funny? Please, I love a good joke. Fill me in.”

She crossed her arms and stared at me, waiting for me to explain. Carrick snorted again and gave me a little look. So he was going to be useless in this. Awesome. With a slight giggle, I said, “You uh... wouldn't get it. Inside joke.”

Carrick chuckled, and Kate sighed heavily. I knew that joking around wasn't making this any easier, but I couldn't help it. It was so hard not to joke and be silly with Carrick around, and it was really the only thing keeping me sane at the moment.

“Fine, Zac. Whatever,” Kate said, tears welling up in her eyes. Was she fucking kidding me? I was used to her being overdramatic, but this was taking it too far, when I really hadn't done anything at all. “Just... go. Some of us have work to do.”

“No. Actually, umm...” I paused to clear my throat and muster up my courage again. “We need to talk.”

“Really, Zachary?” She asked, looking back and forth between me and Carrick. “Now?”

“Yes, no. What's wrong with now?”

“Fine,” she replied, sighing. She stared pointedly at Carrick. “Do you mind?”

“Not at all,” he said with a grin, leaning casually against the counter. Oh, I loved that boy. Balls of steel, I swear.

Kate wasn't as amused by him as I was, though. She tapped her foot impatiently, and I sighed, giving Carrick a bit of a pleading look. He looked back at me and rolled his eyes. 

“Fine...” he said, walking past me toward the dining room. “Wish I had some popcorn...”

I snickered, watching him walk away. He looked like he owned the place, even though I could only remember one other time he had even been in my house. That had been a disaster, but I couldn't exactly say no when he called me up and asked if he could crash with me because the band's hotel reservation had been canceled. Okay, so maybe I should have told Kate about the plan before he showed up at the door. Live and learn, I guess.

Kate glared at me. “Alright, out with it.”

“Umm...” I couldn't help giggling a little at her choice of words. If she only knew.

“What was so important that you had to embarrass me in front of company?”

“I really don't think it bothered Carrick that much,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “He has met you before, after all.”

I could hear Carrick chuckling from the next room, but Kate didn't seem so amused. “And just what is that supposed to mean?”

“That he knows what you're like.”

“What I'm like?” Her eyes widened at that; she was more than accustomed to my sarcasm, but me standing up to her? That was new.

“That's what I said,” I replied, causing Kate to tap her feet impatiently. I crossed my arms and stood my ground as best I could. “I mean, it's no secret that you don't like him.”

She rolled her eyes. “Gee, I'm surprised you picked up on that. And do you know why I don't like him, Zachary?”

“I can think of a few reasons,” I said, smirking. She might have had her reasons, but she really had no clue. And while the thought of telling her all the reasons should have scared me, it kind of amused me.

Her eyes narrowed. “Do you think you could try to be serious for just a second?”

“Fine,” I said, adopting the most serious face I could manage.

“Thank you,” she said. “I don't like him because he's a bad influence. On you, on our children...”

“Right,” I replied, rolling my eyes. “Because I didn't smoke weed before I met him. Nope. That was all Carrick. Kate, I was smoking before I met _you_.”

“He has no respect. For anyone.”

“That's not true,” I replied, anger bubbling up inside me. After everything Carrick had done for me--which Kate, of course, had no clue about--she had no right to talk about him like that. 

She snorted. “Oh really?”

“He is an amazing friend, Kate. Seriously.”

I knew I sounded like a child, but I didn't care. I would have defended Carrick against Kate's insults if it killed me. Kate must have agreed that I sounded like a child, though, because she rolled her eyes hard.

“So I have to be serious, but you can't take me seriously?”

“It's all about you. Your perfect friend, who can do no wrong,” Kate said, sniffling a little. “Well, I'm sorry for trying to look out for you.”

Neither her sniffle or her pout was going to work on me this time. Once upon a time I believed she wanted the best for me. She was older, smarter, and she said she loved me; what reason did I have to doubt that she meant well? Now, though, I could see through it all. I could see her attempts to manipulate me for exactly what they were. 

“Don't you even dare act like the victim here,” I said, rolling my eyes. Her pout fell away and was quickly replaced by a glare. “Now there's the Kate I know.”

“Right... of course,” she replied, glancing away for a second, then looking back with a self-satisfied little smirk on her face. “If he's so perfect, then why are you hiding him? Guilty conscience, perhaps?”

“You're really going to regret asking that.”

Her eyes widened. “Is that a threat, Zachary?”

“No, I'm just saying.” And it really wasn't a threat. It was just a fact; she _was_ going to regret asking why I was hiding Carrick up in my studio. 

She stepped in a little closer. “Because I do not respond well to threats.”

“Yeah, you're usually the one making them,” I shot back.

She stopped, her mouth hanging open a bit. So I had managed to shock her. And I was only getting started. Her eyes narrowed and she hissed, “How dare you! I have never threatened you, Zachary. How could you even...”

“Right, okay,” I replied. “Keep telling yourself that.”

“I think you should go for a while,” she said, shaking with anger. “I really don't think I want to continue this conversation right now.”

“Oh no. I'm just getting started.”

I should have been scared. I should have taken her advice and left before I said everything that I knew would only make her hate me. But I wasn't, and I didn't. I was sick of hiding and sick of letting her push me around. Her head tilted to the side, no doubt confused by the fact that she hadn't gotten her way. I leaned in a little closer and lowered my voice.

“Do you really want to know why I'm hiding him?”

Her eyes widened, then narrowed, and I couldn't help smirking. There was something kind of fun about giving her a taste of her own bitter medicine. For once, I wasn't even worried when she said, “You had better choose your words very, very carefully.”

It was now or never. I lowered my voice again. “Maybe he is a bad influence... but he's so good at it.”

Kate stared at me, as though she couldn't quite made sense of what I had said. I stared back at her, wondering if I was really going to have to make it clearer. Maybe she didn't get it. After all, how could she have ever expected _that_? She took a step back. “I want him gone, Zachary. Now. Out of my house.”

“Excuse me?” I said in disbelief. “Your house?”

“You heard me,” she replied, crossing her arms. How fucking _dare_ she. 

“Yeah, I did. And it's my fucking house, too.”

She snorted. “For all the good you do around here...”

“You mean, like how I pay for all of the shit in this house? Like that?”

“Right,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Because that's what keeps a household together. Who cleans up the dishes? Who does the laundry? Who raises our children?”

I could feel my anger bubbling up again, but I couldn't even say a word. In a way, she was right. I certainly wasn't a deadbeat dad, not by any means, but could I have done better? Sure. But I had given her everything she wanted – a big house, beautiful children, plenty of money, and my last name. My eyes narrowed as I stared at her, still too angry to speak.

“Who, Zachary? While you're off being a rock star, who's the one cleaning up your mess?”

That was the last straw. “Oh, you like you don't just love that I'm a rock star. I mean, I know I wasn't your first choice, but I'll do, right?”

“How dare you...” She muttered, her eyes flaring with anger again. 

“Just tell me,” I said, feeling like I was on a roll now. “Would you have kept trying if you hadn't gotten me? Because really, I think Mac would have been too young for you.”

“You... I...” She was shaking then, obviously furious.

“No, it's fine. I get it. Third time's the charm.”

Before I even realized what she was doing, she had stepped in and slapped me hard across the face. I reeled backward, in shock. Kate's eyes still flashed with anger as she said, “How dare you!”

“You're mad at me? You know what you did, and you're mad at me?!”

“How could you...” she said, her eyes filling with tears again. “You promised me you'd never...”

“That I'd never what?”

Her eyes narrowed. “What I did before we were together is none of your business, Zachary. None. I thought you understood that.”

I laughed out loud. “It is my business when it's not one, but two, of my brothers.”

Kate's eyes widened as she realized that I now knew the whole truth. Again, that should have surprised me or scared me or _something_ , but it didn't. I kind of enjoyed this, in a sick way.

“But you neglected to tell me about the second one, didn't you?”

“I... I didn't...” she stuttered. “There's nothing to tell.”

“Taylor wouldn't lie to me,” I said simply. As upset as I was with him, there was absolutely no way I was going to side with Kate over him. Never again.

“Oh, that's right,” Kate said, her eyes narrowing. “Your perfect big brother.”

“Yes. That is right.” I crossed my arms, still not backing down. It didn't matter at all what she said about him, I would defend Taylor as much, if not more, than I defended Carrick.

“You worship him even more than you do Carrick. It's sick, really.”

Oh hell no. If she hadn't figured it out yet, I knew she would soon. Very soon. I felt myself shaking a little, out of fear and anger, as I chose my next words carefully.

“You... you have no idea _how_ I worship Carrick.”

“You...” Kate said, her head tilting as she struggled to understand. I couldn't help giggling slightly as her eyes widened with realization. “You don't mean...”

“But I certainly do get down on my knees for him...”

“You can't mean...” Kate said, still trying to deny it.

“Can't I?”

Her face twisted into a look of total disgust. “Zachary Walker Hanson, that is not funny.”

“Funny isn't the first word I'd use for it, no,” I replied.

“So...” she said, searching my eyes for a moment. I could see tears welling up in hers yet again, and I actually did feel a little sympathy that time. “Is that why? Why you can't...”

“Would you prefer if it was just you?” I asked, mt voice softening the tiniest bit. “Or the entire gender?”

Her eyes widened again. “You disgust me. Get out of my house.”

“It's not. Your. House,” I growled.

“Oh, yes it is!” Kate said, her voice raised and shaking a little. “It's more mine than yours, you... you...”

I stared at her. I knew exactly the word she wanted to say, because god knows I'd thought it about myself, but she hated to curse. And more than that, I'd imagine, she hated realizing that word could possibly apply to her own husband.

Shaking a little, I said, “Say it.”

She opened her mouth, and I really thought she was going to say it that time. But no. She gagged. She actually _gagged_ on the word, and turned away from me. The words she actually said shocked me even more.

“Get out.”

I could only stare at her, open mouthed, and stutter. She was kicking me out of my own house? I had known she was close-minded and that it would not be fun to tell her I was gay, but this was a turn of events that I really hadn't predicted. The worst part? She laughed at me.

“I hope you liked seeing your kids, Zachary...”

“Kate. No,” I said, my eyes wide with fear. She couldn't... she wouldn't. But she was.

“You're sick,” she said, spinning around to face me. “I don't want you twisting them.”

“Kate,” I repeated, tears welling up in my eyes. How could she think that? That would I hurt our babies? “I'm not... that's...”

“You're not what?” She asked, looking around the room as though there were someone around – besides Carrick, obviously – who might overhear. “Gay?”

“No, I'm definitely gay,” I said, the words coming out far more confident than I felt. “But that doesn't make me twisted.”

“Oh yes it does,” she spat back, shuddering a little. “God, were you just... using me?”

“You're one to talk,” I replied, snorting. She hardly even seemed to hear me.

“What was I, your cover?”

“Kate, it's not that fucking simple,” I replied.

“Oh yeah?” Her patronizing tone made my anger flare again. She didn't have to say it, but I could just tell that in addition to sick and twisted, she also thought I was a complete idiot. And I really wasn't going to stand for that.

“It took me years to figure this out, okay? And so you got your claws into me in the meantime. Good job.”

Her eyes flared again and she took a deep breath. “Nice to know you value your wife so highly.”

“Because you value me so very much, right?”

“Don't be stupid, Zac,” she said, rolling her eyes. “You're my husband.”

Once upon a time, it would have actually meant something to hear her say that. Those few words would have been enough to convince me that she cared. But what did it matter if she was my wife, if she didn't act like she gave a damn about me? 

“I'm your meal ticket,” I said, not missing the way her eyes widened in surprise that I would actually say it. But I had only just begun. “You have never, ever missed an opportunity to insult me, belittle me, tear me down any way you can. Don't you even fucking deny that.”

“Well, maybe if you would learn from your mistakes, I wouldn't have to keep pointing them out.”

She didn't even deny it. She couldn't. She knew every word I said was true, so all she could do was try to pin the blame on me. It was pathetic, I realized, and I rolled my eyes.

“Don't you roll your eyes at me!” She raised her voice, as though she were yelling at a misbehaving child. “I swear, it's like being married to a five year old.”

“Yeah, well you chose to marry me.”

“Because I thought you would actually grow up someday.”

“No, because you thought you could change me.”

“I never...” she began, shaking her head slowly. But she couldn't finish the sentence, probably because finishing it would have been a lie.

“I'm not an idiot, Kate. I can see right through you now. I was your last choice, but you thought you could change me, turn me into a good boyfriend and husband. Didn't really work out for you, did it?”

“Zachary... this isn't you,” she said, her eyes softening a little. She took a few steps closer and I resisted the urge to back up or continue. I had no clue what angle she was trying to work now. “What's he done to you?”

“Bad choice of words, Kate,” I said, snorting a little. “You don't really want me to tell you what he's _done_ to me.”

She gagged again, but continued on with her pathetic attempt at caring. “Did he... did he hurt you? Did he make you think these things? You need help, sweetie...”

“No, I don't. Don't you dare act concerned,” I said, not affected at all by the way her eyes watered. I didn't even care if she really thought I was under some weird brainwashing by Carrick, or if it was just another ploy to make me think she cared. It was ridiculous and absolutely wrong. “I'm gay. End of story. It's not Carrick's fault. It's just what I am.”

“I'm not allowed to care about my husband now?” She asked, completely ignoring the part where I said I was gay, and only focusing on the part where I had insulted her. Typical.

“You never have before.”

“How... how can you say that?” Her eyes watered more and her lower lip shook. “Zac... don't you love me anymore?”

I shook my head, not even caring if I was being cruel now. I just didn't have it in me to care about her feelings anymore. “No. I guess I don't.”

Kate's breathing speed up for a second, and I was a little afraid of what she would say next. Her face softened slightly as a tear fell down her cheek, but then she gritted her teeth again. “You're going to regret this, Zachary.”

“Would you prefer that I lie?” I asked. “Tell you I love you, and just pretend to be straight for the rest of my life?”

“You've been doing it this long, apparently...”

“Right, so I'll just keep it up,” I replied, snorting. I couldn't even believe she would suggest that. It had been a rhetorical question to show her how ridiculous she was, and she didn't see it at all.

“And why not?”

“Because I'm not happy, Kate!”

“And you think I am?! That's not what keeps a family together, Zachary. Grow up. It's not about being happy. It's about living your life day to day, doing what needs to be done.”

“So you would rather I be absolutely fucking miserable, and live a fucking lie for the rest of my life, so that you can keep playing house here?” I asked, growing angrier with each word until I was practically growling. “Fuck. That.”

She laughed. “That's right, I play house. Because everything is just a big game, right?”

“Yeah, it kinda seems that way,” I replied, so angry that I was shaking.

“You would see it that way. You're such a child, Zachary! When will you learn that that's not how the world works?”

I shrugged. I wasn't even going to try to play along with her anymore and let her put me down. If she could insult me, then I could insult her back. “Maybe I am a child, but you're a fucking bitch.”

She gasped. From the other room, I could hear Carrick's distinct laugh, despite his efforts to stifle it.

“I... have never been... so embarrassed...” Kate gasped out.

“Oh, well. Not my problem.”

“I'm your wife, Zachary! So actually, yes, it is your problem.”

I rolled my eyes. “I really have bigger problems right now than you being fucking embarrassed.”

“Yes, you do,” she replied.

“Don't even try to make me feel sorry for you right now, Kate. It won't fucking work.”

“Of course not,” she said. “I'm sure you're far too busy feeling sorry for yourself. Like always.”

A normal person would have felt sorry for me for what I had gone through, living a lie that I had barely even _admitted_ that I was living. A normal person would have felt some sort of sympathy for me, would have understood how big of a deal it was that I was finally admitting it. But not Kate, apparently. I rolled my eyes again, not caring if she yelled at me for it. 

“I don't know what the fuck I expected from you, telling you the truth,” I said. “But how fucking dare you not even care what I'm going through here.”

“What you're going through?” She asked. Did she honestly still not get it? Did she think this was no big deal to me, just something I was doing to torment her, with absolutely no consequences for me?

“I'M. FUCKING. GAY,” I shouted. “Do you even get how difficult that is to deal with?”

She took a few steps back, as though she were just realizing that her husband was, in fact, queer. How many times did I have to say it before it sunk in?

“It's not like I just woke up one day and decided to go fuck a dude for shits and giggles.”

“That's... that's disgusting,” she replied, her face fixed in a grimace.

“I have been bottling this up for years, denying it, driving myself fucking insane trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Turns out there's nothing wrong. I just don't like women.”

“And you don't think that's a problem, Zachary?” She asked. “Do I really need to remind you how much of a sin that is?”

“Like I give a shit,” I snorted. I had known the religious argument would show up eventually; it was Kate's default answer for practically any problem she faced. It had been a long time since I had found any sort of easy answers in religion the way that she did, though. “When was the last time I actually went to church with you, anyway?”

“Well just because you're damning yourself does not mean I'll let you drag me and my children down with you.”

“Your children?” I repeated. “I was there too, Kate.”

“Barely...” She replied with a snort.

I balled up my fists at my side, trying really hard to remind myself that I didn't hit women, no matter how fucking bitchy they were. I took a long, deep breath to calm myself down, then asked, “Not really surprising now, is it?”

“And here I thought you were just inexperienced...” she said.

“Bet you wish you hadn't blabbed to everyone about how bad I am in bed now,” I shot back.

“Oh god...” she said, her eyes widening as she realized her mistake. They narrowed again as she asked, “You... you haven't actually told anyone, have you?”

“What?” I asked, blinking, as her meaning dawned on me. “I've told... a few people.”

Her eyes widened again, filling with what I was pretty sure was fear. “Who? Who did you tell, Zachary?”

“Carrick, obviously. And Taylor.”

“Oh god...” she said again, looking a bit pale and glancing away from me. “Anyone else? Or was I the last to know?”

“Can you really blame me for dreading this conversation?”

“So you decided to leave your wife for last?” And yet again, she was making everything about her problems. 

“Not last. Can't you fucking count? Third.”

“You're saying I can't count?” Kate asked, snorting. “This from the twenty-six year old who can't spell?”

I growled. “You really don't ever miss an opportunity to insult me, do you?”

“Not when you keep handing them to me on a silver platter.” She smirked. She fucking smirked. “And you think that's bad? Zachary, do you have any idea the things I don't say? The things I bite my tongue for?”

“What?!” I blinked, not even believing her fucking nerve. She still wasn't even trying to deny how cruel she was; instead, she was just threatening to be worse.

“You heard me.”

“Really, do tell,” I replied. “What more could you possibly find wrong with me?”

“I really don't think we have time for that,” she said with a laugh.

“Then I won't bother listing all of your flaws, either.”

Her eyes narrowed and she gritted her teeth. I hoped she didn't think I was just trying to play her game. I wasn't. I just wanted her to know how I felt, and I really didn't feel like holding back at all. I was fucking _tired_ of seeing her flaws--all of them now--and pretending they didn't exist.

“Let me just give you the short version. You're. A. Fucking. Cunt.”

Kate's eyes bulged and she gasped. From the other room, Carrick laughed loudly and I couldn't help smirking a little in his general direction before turning back to Kate, who was shooting a far less pleasant look at the wall between the kitchen and dining room.

“Well? Can't argue with it, can you?”

“You're going to regret those words...” she hissed.

“No, I really don't think I will. You are a cunt, Kate,” I said, and she gasped again, as though she thought threatening me might make me take it back, not repeat it. “You settled for me when you couldn't get any other Hanson. And you have spent a decade tearing me down because you thought you could change me. That I would 'grow up.'”

Kate stammered and took a step back. Even though my voice was loud and full of venom, I knew every word I spoke was true. I wasn't just spewing anger at her. And I wasn't done yet.

“Meanwhile, I was scared shitless and trying my damnedest to be straight. I did love you, though. After all, you stuck by me when we were going through hell. I thought that meant something,” I said. Her eyes softened a little bit, but mine didn't. “But it didn't, did it? You were just patient. Patiently waiting to bag yourself a Hanson. Is that all you wanted? Just the name?”

“Zac, I--”

“I'm. Not. Fucking. Finished,” I growled.

Kate shrunk back, looking afraid. Whether it was just an act or if I was really scaring her, I didn't care. I was on a roll, saying all the things I had felt for so long but hadn't been able to articulate or even fully realize I had felt. Nothing was going to stop me.

“You got everything you wanted, didn't you? The house you think is actually yours, a family, my money. I think you actually enjoy insulting me, you know. I mean, when was the last fucking time you said anything nice about me? Can you remember? Because I can't.”

She stuttered and stammered, but didn't reply. Of course she couldn't remember it either.

“You wanna talk about sick? Disgusting? That's sick,” I said. Kate's eyes were watering again, and I couldn't muster up a single ounce of sympathy. “And now... now I'm finally ready to accept the truth about myself, and you can't even let me do that. You wanna shove me back in the closet and pretend we're a perfect fucking family. You don't even care what that would do to me.”

“Zac...” She said, a tear falling down her face.

“Save it. I'm done, Kate. I'm not gonna pretend I'm straight so you can keep all this.” I paused and motioned around the room. “I can't do it. We're over.”

Finally. I had said it. I had said everything. And it felt damn good.

With a smirk, I said, “You can talk now.”

“Zac...” she repeated, another tear falling. “Don't... don't do this.”

“You're not gonna talk me out of this,” I said, shaking my head firmly.

“I...” Kate stuttered, then swallowed hard. “I love you...”

“Sure you do.” I laughed loudly. Did she think I didn't see the way she had to force the words out? 

She cringed at my words, her tears falling silently. I could see genuine emotion, genuine regret, in her eyes, but there was no way that she could fix this, and I think she had finally realized it. 

“I do,” she whispered. “But I guess that's not enough.”

“Is that why you'd rather I stay with you and be miserable? Is that love?”

It was a simple enough question, but it didn't seem all that simple for Kate. She stared at me for a moment, then finally shook her head. 

“But... we could... we could fix this,” she said, reaching out to me. I kept my distance.

“What, you could make me straight? You haven't yet.”

“No, but...” Kate began, shaking her head. “Do you really not love me anymore, Zac? Not at all?”

“Kate, I...” I swallowed hard. She reached out and touched my cheek and for a second I remembered how I used to feel about her. “There's always gonna be a part of me that loves you... but it's not enough. It doesn't change anything.”

She closed her eyes and lowered her head, her hand still on my cheek. For the first time in the conversation, I did feel a little sympathy for her. What she was going through wasn't all that much compared to what I was going through, but it was still something. And no matter how much of a cunt she was, she didn't really deserve it. 

“I'm still gay, Kate,” I replied, my voice a little softer. She nodded slowly, still not looking up. “You can't expect me to just... pretend... or ignore it. I did that already. And it didn't work.”

“I know,” she replied softly, letting her hand fall away from my face. “I'm sorry I wasn't enough for you.”

And in an instant, my sympathy was gone. 

“You're... you're honestly trying to make this about you?” I asked, causing her to finally look up at me. “What, you think if you were a better wife, I'd be straight? It doesn't work that way.”

“I... I didn't say that...”

“Sure you didn't.” Maybe she didn't. But she sure as hell implied it. And she said I acted like everything was about me? Takes one to know one, I guess.

“But maybe...” she said, her voice gaining strength. “I mean, things were fine until recently...”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “Things were never fine. I just wanted to pretend they were. I was always gay, and you were always a cunt.”

“Zac...” she gasped out. Apparently she was never going to get used to that particular word. “Please...”

“Please what?”

“Don't you dare make yourself the victim, either,” she said, her eyes narrowing and her voice raising. “It's so easy, isn't it? To paint me as the overbearing wife? And you as the poor, defense weakling?”

“I didn't say I was...” I stuttered out, amazed at how quickly she could go from nearly sympathetic to her usual, calculating self. I should have expected it by then, but it always seemed to surprised me.

“Please,” Kate snorted. “You've always made me out to be the bad guy. You think I don't know?”

“Well, if the shoe fits...”

She pulled herself up to her full height, which really wasn't much below my own, and stepped closer to me. “Watch. Your. Tone.”

“Kinda proving your point there, Katie,” I replied, barely even intimidated by her sneer. “Really, you complain about how I call you overbearing, and then you boss me around? Do you even see what you're doing?”

“It's called defense, Zachary,” she shot back. “You started this, not me.”

“Right,” I snorted. “Defending yourself against me? What the hell have I ever done?”

“And there's your biggest problem,” she replied, still sneering at me.

I couldn't believe that after everything else we had said, we were back to this. Still arguing about which of us was the worst part of the marriage. Not that it would have even mattered if our marriage had been perfect in every other way; I was still gay. And other than the gay thing, I hardly thought it was my fault. But even I could see how childish it was to argue about it all over and over, and I rolled my eyes hard.

“Don't you dare roll your eyes at me!” She screeched, reaching out and slapping me again, even harder than before.

Without thinking, just boiling with rage, I snatched her hand up before she could pull it back. I squeezed it hard and stared into her eyes. 

“Don't. Fucking. Slap. Me.”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I dropped her hand and stepped back. That wasn't me. I had a temper, sure, but I didn't hit women. Yet I had just come damn close, and it terrified me. 

“Z-Zac...” she stuttered out, shaking and looking just as scared as I felt.

“Just... stop this. Stop fucking telling me what to do.”

“You...” she muttered, still shaking as though I really had hit her.

I couldn't face her anymore. I walked away and leaned my head against the counter. That was _not_ how this was supposed to go. I was supposed to stand up to her, not stoop to her level or let my temper take over. I had gone too far, and I didn't know how to make things right.

“You're crazy...” Kate said, her voice trembling. “Stay away from me.”

“Then get out,” I growled, my temper flaring up again as soon as she spoke. She didn't reply. “You heard me.”

“And what about our children, Zac? What are you going to tell them?”

I felt myself shaking again. I hadn't thought that far ahead, and naturally she had found my weak spot yet again. “I'll... when they're old enough to understand, I'll tell them the truth. I'm not going to lie to them.”

“And now? How are you going to explain why you're kicking them out?”

What. _What_. I lifted my head and met her stare. “Did I say I was kicking them out?”

“If I go, they go,” Kate replied. “You honestly think I'm going to leave them with you?”

“What, because I'm a child or because I'm a disgusting fag?” She grimaced. I had feared the worst, and she had delivered. “That's what I thought.”

“Don't use that language, Zac...”

“Like you haven't been thinking it,” I replied.

Not surprisingly, she didn't try to deny it. “And yes, I'm not leaving you alone with them. I don't need you corrupting them any further.”

“You. Fucking. Bitch.” I was shaking so hard, my eyes so blurry with tears, that I could hardly even see her. It was one thing for her to call me sick, but to imply that I was going to corrupt our kids? God, did she think I was going to molest them or something? I couldn't even imagine what sort of sick scenarios she had dreamed up, but she was absolutely dead wrong. My babies were everything to me and I never, ever wanted to hurt them in any way.

“Didn't think about the consequences, did you? Typical.”

“Just get the fuck out,” I replied, not even caring that she was seeing me break down and so fucking tired of arguing. “If that's how you feel about me, then fine.”

She stared at me for a second, then grabbed her eyes off the hook on the wall. For a moment, I thought she was going to go without flinging any more insults my way, but of course, I was wrong. “Hope you said goodbye to your children this morning, Zac. It's going to be a while before you see them again.”

My tears fell even harder at that, and Kate actually had the nerve to smile, as though she had _won_ something. She turned on her heel and walked out, leaving me leaning pathetically against the kitchen counter. I don't know how long I stood there and cried before I heard footsteps that I was certain belonged to Carrick, not Kate.

“Carrick, I... she...” I stuttered out, still grasping the counter to keep from falling over. “How much of that did you hear?”

He looked down for a second, then finally met my eyes. “All of it.”

“Oh... it was bad, wasn't it?” Not that I really needed to ask, but I was curious to know what he thought.

With a sad little smile, he said, “I can't tell you... how proud of you I am.”

I sniffled and attempted to smile. “Yeah?”

Carrick nodded, then pulled me into a hug. I wrapped my arms tightly around him, not sure if I would even be able to stand without him there to hold me up. I was still shaking, tears still welling up in my eyes.

“Shh, it's gonna be okay,” he said softly, rubbing my back.

“But she's... she's taking the babies away...” I said, even though I knew he had already heard Kate say it.

“It'll be okay. She won't be able to.”

“But... but...” I stuttered, sniffling.

Carrick lifted my chin gently. “We'll figure it out, okay? Promise. You'll get through this.”

“Okay,” I replied, nodding a little in spite of myself. I had no clue how the hell I could get through this, but if Carrick said I could, then I believed him.

He touched my cheek and smiled. I didn't know what I had done to deserve such an amazing friend, but whatever it was, I was glad that I had him. Especially right then.

“I could have punched her for what... what she said about you, though,” I admitted.

He shrugged. “I've heard worse.”

I frowned at that. I didn't like to think about anyone insulting him, and I didn't understand how they could. If they just took the chance to get to know him, how could they dislike him? 

“But you...” Carrick said, smirking and laughing a little. “I can't believe you actually called her a cunt.”

“Was I wrong?” I asked, giggling.

“Hell no!” He replied. “Oh man, I wish I coulda seen her face, though...”

“I think that actually shocked her more than anything else I said.”

“Yeah, well,” he said, leaning back against the counter. “Prissy little bitch probably never had anyone stand up to her like that.”

“You know...” I said, thinking. “She's gonna run right to Natalie.”

Carrick seemed to give that some thought, then replied, “Yeah... most likely.”

“That's not gonna end well.” I smirked.

“I guess not,” he said, returning my smirk. “But then again, Tay'll be more likely to believe you if he hears it from his own wife first. Don't you think?”

“Yeah, that'll be good, I think,” I replied, then giggled a little. “I just wanna see the look on Kate's face when she finds out about Tay and Nat.”

Carrick laughed. “I tell ya, you really didn't hold back, did ya?”

“I guess not,” I said, shrugging. I knew I hadn't, but now that it was over... I just felt drained. There was still a sense of relief there, but mostly I was just exhausted. I frowned a little and said, “You didn't see, though.”

“See what?” Carrick asked, frowning.

“When she slapped me. The second time.”

Carrick stepped closer, looking protective and concerned. “What happened?”

“I got so mad... and I, I grabbed her hand. I didn't hit her. I didn't. But...”

“I believe you,” Carrick replied. “But?”

“I was so close,” I admitted. “I don't know which one of us was more scared.”

Carrick gave me a look, then touched my shoulder. “You wouldn't have hit her.”

“I guess not,” I replied, looking away. I wasn't so sure. 

“I know not.”

“If I was ever going to, it would have been then.”

“I know you, Zac,” Carrick said. “And you didn't.”

I nodded. Carrick sighed, then hugged me again. It was weird when he actually seemed to run out of words, but I wasn't going to complain if he kept hugging me every time he did.

“So you're free. How's it feel?” He asked, giving me a smile.

“Umm... could be better?” I gave him a weak smile.

“Yeah, I know,” he said, nodding. “It'll get better, though.”

“I mean, this is just the beginning of the scary part, you know? There's still... lawyers and paperwork and... just fucking dealing with her.”

Carrick nodded, then gave me another smile. “You're not alone, though.”

“You are amazing. Best friend ever,” I said, smiling more. “I meant it when I told her that, too.”

“Yeah, yeah... I know.” He grinned.

My stomach rumbled and I suddenly remembered that we had planned on eating when we first walked down to the kitchen. That seemed like ages ago, and now I was starving. “Umm, so you want a frozen pizza or something? I'm kinda dangerous in the kitchen, so...”

He laughed. “How about we just go out? My treat.”

“Are you asking me out on a date, mister?” I asked, bating my eyelashes, then giggling.

Carrick stepped in closer, leaning his face down toward mine. His voice soft, he said, “Maybe...”

“Well, just so you know, I don't put out on the first date,” I replied, smirking.

Carrick laughed lightly and touched my cheek. 

“It's just too bad...” he said, his lips a breath away from mine and his voice barely above a whisper. “That I'm not the one you really want.”

He gave me a sad smile and I sighed, trying to return his smile. I had no clue what to say. Did he want to be with me after all? I didn't know, and there was too much else going on in my brain to even begin to try to figure Carrick out too. His fingers trailed across my lips for a moment, then he backed away.

“Come on. I'm starved.”

And just like that, he was back to his normal self. Everything else about my life had changed, but he was still Carrick. At least I could count on that.


	13. Chapter 13

**Taylor**

My day had started out well enough. Breakfast was good, my kids were cute as always, and I didn't hit any traffic on the way to the studio. The only hiccup was Ike calling in sick, but even that couldn't put a damper on my mood. I didn't know why, but I woke up feeling strangely optimistic. I couldn't wait to see Zac; I'd been a bit harsh, but maybe we could talk, even more freely because of Isaac's absence. I had high hopes, and they showed in the grin on my face as soon as he walked into the studio.

How quickly things change.

The day just kept getting worse and worse. By the time I finally came home, I felt completely emotionally drained. So when I heard Kate's voice coming from the living room, I headed straight for my office. I caught bits and pieces, Zac's name, Carrick's, and something about needing help. I was curious, but I couldn't find the motivation to move. It wasn't until my stomach started grumbling that I dragged myself into the kitchen.

Kate was still at it, sobbing even. Her voice echoed through the house, a non-stop, high-pitched screech that was giving me a migraine. I couldn't take it any more; I needed some peace. I didn't even bother telling Natalie I was leaving, but I caught her eye as I passed the living room; she gave me a tiny nod and a sympathetic smile, which I returned before ducking out.

I wasn't paying any attention to where I was going; it was a wonder I didn't wrap my car around a tree. But soon enough, I was pulling into a space outside the studio. The lights were off, everyone having gone hours ago. I smiled a bit as I walked inside, taking a breath and enjoying the silence. This was what I needed; peace, solitude, some time to sort my thoughts and feelings.

But the silence quickly became deafening, the solitude turning to cold isolation. I sat at the piano, tapping the keys absently, no real melody in mind. I tried to lose myself in the music, but even it eluded me, leaving me with an empty longing, too tired to chase but too desperate to let go. So much like myself, I thought as I played a melancholy note.

"Taylor."

My hands paused. I hadn't heard him come in; but I was so lost in my own world, I doubt I would've heard him screaming in my ear. I took a breath, letting my fingers begin to move again.

"Zac."

"I, um... didn't expect you to come back here tonight."

"I could say the same thing for you," I replied, laughing softly, but devoid of any real humor. "Kate came over."

"Figures," Zac snorted dismissively. My hands stopped again, the last note hanging in the air for a moment before fading away as if it were never there. I slowly turned to look at my brother, who looked about as exhausted as I felt. For a moment I felt sorry for him, but then I remembered why he probably looked that way.

"Where's Carrick?" I asked softly. It wasn't a dig, not really, even though perhaps I'd meant it to be.

"At the house."

"So then why are you here?"

"Because you're here," Zac replied simply, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. I let my hands fall to my lap, a deep sigh escaping me. I felt like I needed to say something, but before I could even figure out what, Zac cleared his throat, taking a step closer.

"Did... did Kate say why she was there?"

That was interesting; he wanted to know how much I knew. I shook my head, watching him carefully.

"Oh."

"I heard... bits and pieces," I added. "But not much."

"I see..." Zac was quiet for a moment, before snorting again. "She's probably too embarrassed to go gossiping about me again."

Embarrassed? About what? I titled my head, confused; he caught the gesture and sighed.

"I... told her. She knows I'm gay." 

I actually gasped, my eyes widening. Today was just full of surprises; at least this one didn't hurt.

"I'm still alive, so all things considered, she took it well," he laughed softly.

"Why?" 

"Why what?" Zac stared at me, confused, but I just stared right back.

"What made you tell her?" I had my suspicions, but I needed to know. Zac shrugged, seemingly unsure why I was asking; or maybe he hadn't thought about why he'd done it, and simply acted. That did sound like him.

"Realized I couldn't keep it up anymore. Trying to be happy with her when I'm not." 

I nodded slowly, letting Zac's words sink in, searching for any deeper meanings.

"And... are you happy now?"

"No." There was no hesitation, no uncertainty to the way he answered. I sighed heavily, something I realized I'd been doing a lot of lately, and turned away. I heard him step closer, standing at the end of the bench; I could feel his eyes on me, but I refused to let him see mine. I could only imagine how they looked, red and puffy from the tears that'd been coming on and off all day.

"Tay," Zac said softly, but I didn't respond. "Taylor," he said a bit more firmly, going on when I still wouldn't look up. "I'm not with Carrick. I'm not going to be with Carrick."

I used to love how stubborn Zac was; part of me still did. But as I slowly lifted my eyes to meet his, I wished for once he'd just listen.

"Why not?"

"Because he's not you."

"He loves you," I said quietly. It pained me to say it out loud, but I knew it was true. I'd known it for a while, but Carrick had always played the best friend, because that's what Zac wanted. "And you love him. Don't try to tell me you don't."

"As a friend. I love him as a friend, Taylor."

"Stop lying, Zac. Stop lying to yourself."

"I'm not lying. If I had never... been with you, maybe it would be different. Maybe I could be with Carrick and be happy. But I fell for you, Taylor. I love you."

I cringed, not wanting to feel everything those words made me feel.

"That's not always enough." I was trying to keep up the stony mask, but the tremble in my voice gave me away.

"I know," Zac said, sighing. "And I know I haven't really shown you that it's true. And I'm sorry, Tay."

"Don't be." Zac had nothing to apologize for, not really. Things just were the way they were. "Look... Maybe you do love him as a friend. But I know you, and I know him. And if I know Kate, things are about to get very, very ugly."

"They're already pretty damn ugly," Zac interrupted, but I went on without commenting.

"And you need someone. Someone who can be there for you."

"And Carrick will be there. As. A. Friend. Look, I'm sorry for bringing him here; I shouldn't have done that."

I snorted before I could stop myself; if that wasn't the understatement of the year.

"Don't... at me," Zac spat, mimicking the dismissive noise. "I'm being serious here."

"You?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. "Serious?"

"Yes." Zac crossed his arms, trying to look intimidating; it probably would've worked on anyone else, but being his older brother usually gave me an advantage.

"Look, you don't even know what I just went through before I came over here. I don't feel like dealing with someone else who's gonna ignore my feelings and treat me like a child. So can you please just take me seriously and believe me?" Zac's posture may not have affected me, but his words did; I slumped back, looking down guiltily. 

"Thank you." He sat at the other end of the piano bench, our knees almost touching, but I kept my eyes on the floor.

"So... what happened?" 

"Well, I decided I didn't want to put up with her shit, so.. I took Carrick in the house with me, and uh... she wasn't happy."

"Don't tell me she walked in on you, too?"

"Oh God, no. I'd definitely be dead if she had." Zac shuddered; it wasn't a pleasant thought, to say the least. "And Tay, I am so sorry. I didn't... I didn't bring him here just to do that. It just happened."

"I know," I said quietly, nodding. "You're not vindictive."

"Well," Zac snorted, "You didn't hear some of the stuff I said to Kate."

I raised an eyebrow, intrigued. Zac was never one to pull his punches, except when it came to his wife; he was always the first to defend her, even when she was harping on him.

"Just called her out finally. I mean, she had the nerve to start bitching at me for not cleaning up after myself and all this shit."

"You? Not clean up?" I couldn't help smirking; Kate did have a bit of a point on that one, although Zac was nowhere near as bad as she made him out to be.

"Hush, I'm telling a story." Zac pouted a bit, but it was too cute for me not to smirk at; still, I sat quietly while he told me everything that'd happened. I tried to keep my comments to a minimum; the fight didn't sound all that bad, considering it was Kate we were talking about. I tried to ignore the thoughts that popped into my head when Zac told me he'd taken Carrick to his art studio; it wasn't like it was _our_ special place. 

"And I may have, um... called her out on trying to get with the entire band," Zac admitted quietly. "Well, that pissed her off, of course. She slapped me."

"She _what_?" Suddenly I felt a very strong urge to do very painful things to her.

"It's not the first time," Zac shrugged, as if that was supposed to make me feel better; instead my eyes grew wider, and I sat up straighter, tensing. "I mean it's not like... It's not as bad as it sounds, honestly. She's a cunt but she's not like, abusive, physically."

My eyes lost focus, and I muttered under my breath, but I tried to supress the anger, encouraging Zac to continue. None of it made me feel any better about the situation, but I tried not to react outwardly, remembering how defensive Zac had gotten in the past.

"And at the end if it all, I told her it was over. We were over." He stayed quiet, probably waiting for my reaction; I searched his eyes, curious and worried and trying not to be too excited.

"Zac... That's a big decision."

"I meant it," Zac replied simply, shrugging. As if it was no big deal. I eyed him, suspicious.

"Why?"

"Because she's a cunt?" Zac smirked, but I stared back at him seriously. "Because she would rather I stay in the closet, so she can be Mrs. Zac Hanson and pretend everything is perfect?"

"So it doesn't have anything to do with... with what I told you the other day?" I felt a little narcissistic saying it, but I thought maybe my decision to leave Natalie may have played a role in Zac's sudden act of defiance.

"That... made me start thinking seriously about it for the first time."

"Zac... I hope to hell you're not doing this just to please me."

"Doesn't look like it's working if I was," Zac joked, smiling weakly, and my stomach twisted.

"Zac..."

"Tay. She would still be a cunt even if I was straight. You helped me see that; and you could have done that under any circumstances. So yeah, you helped; but it needed to happen, no matter what."

I nodded slowly, and let Zac finish. I bristled as he told me how she slapped him again; he seemed more worried about having almost hit her, and I refrained from saying she would've deserved it.

"And then," Zac said, his eyes watering. "She said she was taking the babies too, and... and..." Zac's lip quivered, but he tried to go on. "That she wouldn't leave me alone with them... That I would corrupt them..."

I felt sick to my stomach. 

"She actually thought that you... That you would..." I could feel my fists tightening, my teeth grinding, my lip curling. I heard a low growl coming from somewhere, and was only vaguely aware that it was me.

"Tay, please," Zac said softly, his lip quivering, his eyes wide with fear. I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself; I felt myself relax a little, my features softening, and Zac sighed, looking a little relieved. My own eyes stung, but I didn't want to upset Zac further, so I leaned against the piano, running a hand through my hair.

"You know how she is, though. I'm not defending her, I'm just saying. I knew this was going to be bad, but I had to do it. And I'm... I'm glad it's gonna be over."

I looked over at Zac; as upset as I was, I was so proud of him, more than I'd ever been. I worried for him, for all he was about to go through, but in that moment I was in awe of his strength.

"On the bright side, she's probably too disgusted and embarrassed to drag my name through the dirt that much. Not like it matters; she was the person I was most afraid of telling. Now that she knows..." Zac shrugged, smiling weakly.

"You don't have to go through it alone, though."

"I know," Zac said, smiling more and nodding.

"I did tell Kate you knew about me too, but I didn't say anything about you. That's your thing, you can tell whoever you want, whenever you want. As you've proven," he added with a smirk; I smiled back, thinking of how I'd come out to my wife.

"Speaking of which, how did that go over?"

"Surprisingly not that bad. She, uh... wasn't that surprised." It was a little embarrassing to admit, but I felt okay enough to laugh about it. Zac snorted, seeing the humor as well.

"It's funny; I'm actually happy I have her." I chuckled as Zac tilted his head at me, confused. "She's a good friend," I explained. "I needed that."

"Friends are good to have," Zac agreed, his smile falling. "And Taylor, I swear that's all me and Carrick are."

"Didn't look like it this morning." My words weren't meant to be mean, but Zac still winced.

"Well..."

"Zac, can you look me in the eyes and tell me you feel nothing but friendship for him?"

"Tay..." Zac held my gaze, hesitant to answer, but I knew I was right. "I'm not gonna tell you I don't love him, because I do. But it's not anything remotely like what I feel for you. But he is just my friend. Yeah, we... did what we did... and that's not really friendly, but... I don't want to be with him. I don't need him the way I need you."

I had to look away to hide the pained expression. Zac was just confirming everything I already knew, but it still hurt like hell.

"You'd get over it," I said softly, closing my eyes.

"You really believe that? You really think I could get over you?"

"I can't give you what he can, Zac. We could never... really be together. Not the way you deserve."

"So I couldn't tell the world I'm with you," Zac shrugged. "I think... I think I was making that into a bigger deal than it really is."

"It's not that simple, Zac. We'd constantly be looking over our shoulders, pretending to be what we're not. It'd be the same as pretending you're straight; you'd still be living a lie."

"It'd be more of a lie to go on without you, pretending I'm happy with someone else."

"But you _would_ be happy," I insisted, a bit more firmly. "Maybe not as happy, but still..." I fought the way my eyes were watering; I was supposed to be the strong older brother.

"So I should settle for less miserable?"

I hesitated, but nodded. It was a harsh way of putting it, but that was basically the idea.

"I thought you wanted me to be happy, Tay." Zac's words cut me deep, breaking the wall I'd been fighting to build, and I let out a choking sob. "Then why won't you be with me? That's what will make me happy."

"Damn it Zac," I cursed, my voice shaking. "It's not... It's not what's best for you."

"Don't care," Zac said, shrugging.

"Well I do," I snapped, looking at Zac a bit angrily. My eyes softened as soon as I saw his pout, though, pangs of guilt nagging at me. "Zac," I said, softly.

"What." He turned away stubbornly, looking so much like a younger version of himself that I had to blink. I touched his cheek, turning him to face me; his eyes were wide and glossy, his lip shaking.

"I know this hurts. But you're going to have to trust me on this." Even though I held his face, Zac tried to look away, his eyes watering. "Zac, please look at me." He finally met my eyes, and I felt my heart shattering. How could causing him so much pain be the right thing?

"I'm still your brother. That's never going to change." I had to swallow past the lump in my throat, my voice shaking terribly.

"That... that doesn't make me feel better," Zac almost whined, his voice shaking almost as bad as mine.

"And I'm always going to... to..." I had to close my eyes, biting my lip so hard it hurt.

"Yeah," Zac sighed, echoing my unspoken words. I stood up abruptly, taking a few steps away; my resolve was wavering, and I was afraid of what I'd do if I didn't distance myself.

"But right now I need to do what's best for you," I said as firmly as I could manage. "Whether you like it or not." Against my better judgement, I turned to look at Zac; tears streamed down his perfect cheeks, and my lungs felt like they were caving.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, unsure how much I was apologizing for. "You should go." I tried to smile, tried to think of how happy Zac would be... eventually. "Someone's waiting for you."

"I guess so." Zac smiled weakly, and I thought that might have hurt worse than his tears.

"Goodbye, Zac," I whispered, turning and heading into the other room before I could stop myself. It wasn't until I heard the studio door close that I let myself collapse into a sea of tears, completely willing to drown myself in it.


	14. Chapter 14

**Zac**

I cried the whole way back to my house. It felt like over the last few days, I had cried more than in my entire life, and I didn't even care how pathetic that was. I had _felt_ more in the past few days than ever before, and few of those feelings had been good.

It had been a long time since I had actually let myself into the main house rather than going straight up the stairs to my studio, and that felt weird. The house wasn't quiet, like I had expected. Instead, I could hear the sound of video games coming from the living room. Sure enough, there was Carrick sprawled across the couch, an xBox controller in his hand and a cigarette dangling from his lips. As soon as he saw me, he tossed the controller down and stubbed the cigarette out on a dish that I was pretty sure was _not_ an ash tray.

I slumped down onto the couch next to him and he scooted close to me, wrapping his arm around me and rubbing my back. I couldn't even say a single word; as soon as he touched me, the waterworks started again. He held me close and rubbed my back, whispering soothingly in my ear as I cried against him.

“I was...” I managed to say, taking a deep breath. “I was right about Kate. Ran right to his house.”

Carrick nodded, not saying a word. I hadn't actually told him I was going to the studio when I left to take a drive, but I think we both knew that's where I was going to end up. Usually going for a drive helped to clear my mind; for obvious reasons, this drive hadn't. I sniffled a little and tried to collect myself enough to finish telling him what had happened.

“And umm... we talked. About her and everything. What I did. What I told her.”

“Mhm,” Carrick replied softly, his hand still on my back.

“It was going pretty well... but...” I couldn't finish the sentence. I had thought it really was going well. Taylor had seemed a lot less upset with me and that seemed to be a good sign, but I was wrong.

Carrick leaned his head against mine and stroked my hair. “It's okay...”

“He wouldn't...” I managed to gasp out between tiny little sobs. “He still said... I shouldn't be with him.”

Carrick pulled back a bit, looking a little confused, or maybe just anticipating what I was going to say next. I couldn't be sure.

“He said I'd be happier without him.”

“Meaning?” Carrick asked softly. “You'd be happier... with me?”

I nodded. “He even asked me, made me tell him, whether or not it was just... friendship.”

Carrick stiffened a little at that, and I wasn't sure what to make of it. I glanced away from him, unsure if I really should have mentioned that part of the conversation with Taylor. I knew I had been less than tactful when I had told him that the sex with him was different, and I was beginning to see that I wasn't being fair to him, but I didn't quite know how to fix it.

“And what did you tell him?” Carrick asked.

“That... that...” I stuttered, still unable to meet his eyes. “It's just... different than with him.”

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw him nod. “Different... but not necessarily better? Or worse?”

“Just... different,” I replied, knowing it was such a cop out answer. A sob worked its way out of my body again. “I don't know, Carrick. It's so confusing.”

He nodded and sighed, running his hand through my hair. God, he was good to me. Too good. Far more than I deserved right then.

“And I couldn't lie to him... about you,” I said softly.

Carrick nodded again, looking me in the eyes. I tried to avoid his stare, but I couldn't. His eyes were so intense, but not full of the sort of judgment that I expected.

“Zac...” he said softly, giving me the tiniest hint of a smile.

“Wh-what?”

“You don't have to be afraid to say how you feel, you know. One way or the other, I'm not going anywhere. You're kinda stuck with me,” he said, smirking.

“I thought I got rid of the old battle ax,” I said, letting out a nervous laugh. Carrick smirked and I added, “And now I come home to another one.”

His eyes widened a little at that, but then he let out a light laugh. He brushed his hand across my face and I trembled a little at the touch. His eyes bore into me again. “You know what I mean, though.”

“I know.” And I did know that. If he had stood by my side even after finding out I had been dating my own brother, then I didn't think there was anything in the world that would make him leave and throw away our friendship.

“Whatever you decide... I'll still be here.”

“It just feels like I'm betraying Taylor,” I admitted. Carrick gave a little sigh at that and I wondered if yet again I had said the wrong thing. With me, it was pretty much a given.

“By doing what he told you to do?” Carrick asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Well...” 

“Repeatedly?”

“Damn your logic.” He wasn't wrong. Taylor _had_ told me to be with Carrick. Hell, he had told me that even before I thought it was ever a possibility. I still couldn't quite wrap my mind around the fact that it was now a possibility, but it seemed more and more like it was and that Carrick wanted it.

Carrick just smirked at me, and I felt this strange fluttering in my heart. I knew that feeling. It wasn't really the first time I had felt it for Carrick, but in the past it had seemed that the friendship feelings and the sexual feelings were totally separate. Now... I wasn't so sure.

“I have this problem,” I said. “I always do what Taylor tells me to do.”

It was true. I could be the most stubborn person in the world, and Taylor brought that out in me more than anyone else – aside from, perhaps, Kate – but ultimately I wanted nothing more than to please him. That wasn't a new development, either; that had always been a fact of our relationship, ever since we were kids.

“Hmm...” Carrick replied, smirking a little more. “So why stop now?”

“Yeah... I guess,” I said, giving him a weak smile. It was really all I could manage at the moment and I hoped it was enough.

Carrick bit his lip and looked – was it possible? -- shy. I didn't think that was a word I would ever use to describe him, but nothing else seemed to fit. I couldn't help wondering if he was feeling well.

“You okay, man?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

In an instant, the shy look was gone and replaced with a grin. “Of course.”

“Okay...”

I still didn't totally believe him, but if he said it was okay, then it was either okay or it was going to be. I trusted Carrick. His finger traced the outline of my face and I felt myself instantly relaxing, a soft little sigh falling out of my mouth. It took so little, just the tiniest touch from him, to make me feel better.

“You know, there's a saying...” Carrick said softly, smirking.

“Oh?”

“If you can't be with the one you love...” he said, leaning closer and smirking. Oh, he was _so_ cheesy, and I kind of loved it. “I think you know the rest.”

I nodded. “Love the one you're with.”

Carrick actually began to shake a little when I said it He started to pull back and I wasn't quite sure what was wrong. I knew that for once I hadn't said the wrong thing. But it still didn't feel exactly right.

“But... you know I love someone else,” I said. “That's not really fair to you, is it?”

Carrick stared into my eyes for a moment, then smiled. “You're worth it.”

“I'm...” I stuttered out, my lip quivering. I refused to let myself cry again, so I just shook my head and said, “No.”

“You say you're not and I'm gonna slap you silly.”

“Don't you think I've been slapped enough today?” I asked, pouting.

Carrick gave a little laugh, then returned my pout with one of his own. “Sorry...”

“It's okay,” I replied, sighing. “Not the first time she's slapped me. Might be the last, though, after my reaction...”

“Zac... I'm sorry.”

I shrugged. “Like I told Tay, it's not like she's _really_ physically abusive. It's not like it sounds. She's still a cunt, but... not like that.”

The more I told people that, the more I felt like I was trying to make excuses, but I was certain it was the truth. Kate had slapped me from time to time, sure. But it wasn't some pattern of behavior that really meant anything. Carrick didn't press the issue, though. He didn't try to convince me that I was wrong. He just brushed his hand against my cheek, the one Kate had slapped. I bit my lip and tried not to wince, but it _did_ hurt a little.

“Does it look bad?” I asked.

“No,” Carrick said, shaking his head. “You can barely tell.”

“That's good,” I replied with a nod. I fingered my scarf lightly, “I mean, between that and... well, I've gotta look pretty rough right now.”

Carrick gave me a little smirk and pulled the scarf back. His eyes fell to my neck, surveying the marks he had left there that morning and the night before. He wasn't gentle at all, so I could only imagine that even now, just a few hours later, I already had a few dark bruises. 

“Not bad...” Carrick muttered, a little smirk crossing his face.

I felt myself blush a little, and it only deepened as he stared into my eyes and brushed his fingers across the bruises on my neck. I whimpered a little, my body trembling under his touch. Carrick gave me another smirk and applied the tiniest amount of pressure. I only trembled more and whimpered his name.

“Sorry...” he said, chuckling.

“Does your libido have an off switch?”

He looked away, his brow furrowing as though he were giving my question serious consideration. After a moment, he turned back and grinned. “Don't think so.”

“You had to think?” I asked, laughing loudly. Carrick just shrugged. “You are so weird.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he replied, his voice softening a little. “You love it.”

“Yeah... I do,” I said honestly.

Carrick smirked, his eyebrow twitching a little. I could tell he was about to say something perverted, and as much as I loved that side of him... it just didn't seem like the right time. I wasn't really sure what was happening, what _had_ happened between us, but I knew that something had changed in a big way.

“Carrick, I...” I began to say, my lip quivering a little. I wasn't even sure how I was going to finish that statement, but the words had started to come out of my mouth all on their own.

His smirk fell a little and he pressed a finger to my lips. “Let's... not get ahead of ourselves. One step at a time.”

Carrick gave me a little smile, and I relaxed a little, seeing the wisdom in his words. He left his finger there on my lips, as though he didn't trust me not to say something dumb. It was a temptation that I couldn't resist. I let my tongue dart out and lick a path up his finger, then grinned. Carrick raised an eyebrow and I just shrugged. “You put it there.”

“Zac...” Carrick said, his smirk falling away and his face turning serious.

“Yeah?”

He looked away. It was weird to see Carrick looking hesitant. Vulnerable wasn't a word I would have normally associated with him, but at that moment, I couldn't think of any other word that properly described him. Still not meeting my eyes, he said, “I'm not going to push for anything. You know that.”

“I know,” I replied with a nod.

“So, if you want this to mean something...” He finally turned his head back to me. “You call the shots. Understand?”

I nodded again. There was something a little cryptic about the way he said it, but I didn't have any doubt what he meant. I was still uncertain how he felt, but that vulnerable look gave me a big hint. As for my own feelings... those were becoming more and more obvious by the second. 

“Carrick, it does... mean something,” I replied. He stared at me for a second, then nodded. I gave him a little smirk. “I'm not just using you for your hot body.”

He returned my smirk, but I let my own fall away. I wanted him to know that I meant it and that I really wasn't just using him. I knew it probably seemed that way, and I knew that I really hadn't been fair in my treatment of him. Never had I intentionally meant to hurt him or use him, though, and I needed him to know that. But it was hard to find the right words.

“It does... mean something to me,” I repeated. “ _You_ mean something to me.”

“I know, Zac,” he replied with a smile. “You mean _something_ to me, too.”

I didn't even care that he was mocking me a little, throwing my words back in my face. He wasn't doing it to be malicious. Because that was just Carrick; no matter how I treated him, he would always be there. I had taken that for granted, and I wanted to make up for it.

“Maybe...” I said, letting a little smile creep across my face. “Maybe I will do what Taylor says.”

“Yeah?” Carrick asked, his voice soft.

I nodded. “Yeah.”

Carrick leaned in closer, his eyes wide. If I didn't know better, I would have thought he was a little scared or maybe nervous. “Does that mean... you have something to ask me?”

He gave me a hopeful little smile and I nodded. I felt every bit as nervous as he looked, but I didn't have any doubt what his answer to that question would be. Still, if he wanted me to ask, I would.

“Will you... be my boyfriend?”

Carrick's eyes fell closed for a second. When he looked at me again, all the nervousness was gone, replaced by an emotion that I couldn't quite place. With a little smirk, he said, “Thought you'd never ask.”

“Yeah, right,” I replied, grinning. “You know I'm slow.”

Carrick snorted and I gave him a playful shove, pouting a little. I was glad that we could still joke around, even when our entire relationship had changed in less than twenty four hours. 

Giving me a little smirk, he asked, “So, you gonna kiss me or what?”

“Thought you'd never ask,” I replied with a smirk of my own, grabbing his face and kissing him.

He laughed against my mouth, wrapping his arms tightly around me and pulling me closer. I was still a little bit disbelief at everything that had happened, but right then, being with him felt like exactly the place I needed to be.


	15. Chapter 15

**Zac**

When I called Carrick and asked him to visit, I really didn't have any sort of plan. I just knew that I needed him. He arrived with just one suitcase and a guitar, so I figured he would only stay for a few days. It had been a week since Kate's departure, though, and Carrick showed no signs of leaving. He basically moved in; his few belongings already tucked into a drawer in my bedroom by the time I got back from talking to Taylor at the studio.

And he was my boyfriend.

In a way, it seemed even more strange to date Carrick than it had to date Taylor. I had never realized that what I felt for Carrick was anything more than friendship and some strange sexual tension that I refused to even acknowledge. Once I acknowledged it, it didn't stop being weird, but I still kind of liked it. 

At the end of that week together, we decided to go out for dinner. I guess it was our first official date as a couple or something. He'd never had a chance to see much of Tulsa during his other visits, so I decided to take him to one of my favorite places – the Blue Rose Cafe. Even though it was a weekend, it wasn't all that busy and we got seated out on the patio pretty quickly. 

After the hostess walked away, Carrick pulled out my chair and gave me a little smirk. I blushed and stared at him for a second, then nearly fell into the seat. Well, that was graceful. 

Carrick chuckled. “Don't be so nervous, babe.”

“Can't help it,” I replied, still blushing thanks to that little pet name. “I don't exactly go on a lot of dates, you know.”

“I hear ya,” he replied with a nod, taking his own seat. “Same here, I guess. Wild parties don't really count.”

“Not really, no. And I don't go to many of those, either.”

“So what do you do for fun then? I mean like, what's there to do in Tulsa on a Saturday night?” He leaned back in his chair, eyeing me a little and smiling. Yeah, that blush was definitely not going to leave my face any time soon.

“Nothing, really,” I replied with a shrug. “I mean, there are bars and stuff. They'll have music here later, actually. But mostly I just stay at home... paint, smoke, play video games...”

Carrick grinned. “Nothing wrong with that.”

“Sounds boring, though, doesn't it?”

“Nah, not boring,” he replied, glancing out at the river. The cafe's patio was basically right over the Arkansas River--so close that sometimes you'd get duck feathers flying up onto your table. “I kinda like how quiet it is out here.”

“Yeah,” I replied, following his eyes. “I like coming out here, too, by the river. It's not where the restaurant always was, but I kinda like this location better. Had a lot of memories at the old one, though... you know they wouldn't let us play a concert here back in the day?”

Carrick chuckled. “Yeah, I remember you telling me. They made you play out in the alley or something, right?”

“Yup, by the dumpsters,” I replied, nodding. Carrick laughed and I offered him a big grin. “And now they've got one of my drums on a big display inside.”

It's entirely possible that I was bragging a bit. Okay, a lot. But the smile it earned me from Carrick made it worth feeling a little conceited. In fact, it made me want to show off more. With a smirk, I said, “It's not on the menu, but tell the waitress you want the Hanson special.”

“Should I be scared?” Carrick asked, raising an eyebrow.

“Nah,” I replied, giggling. “I mean, we are in public. What are you expecting?”

“Public doesn't necessarily mean much,” he said, smirking lustily.

I rolled my eyes. “Well, maybe not to you.”

“We gotta get you to loosen up,” Carrick said with a laugh, placing his hand on mine on the table.

I blushed, but I didn't pull my hand back. I didn't want him to think that I was ashamed of him; I wasn't. But I still hadn't entirely made my way out of the closet – especially not to the general public of Tulsa. It was just _weird_ to hold a guy's hand in public. “A-anyway, it's just a grilled cheese with tomato. We all ordered it so much that they named it after us.”

“I'll give it a try,” Carrick said, grinning. He nudged his foot against mine and I jumped a little, my blush deepening even more. Carrick only grinned. “You look really good tonight.”

“So do you,” I replied, and once again my blush deepened. My face practically felt like it was on fire. 

Carrick, of course, was loving it. He gave me a smile and started rubbing his foot against my calf. Naturally, the waitress chose that exact moment to walk up to take our orders. Carrick was his usual cool self, smiling up at the waitress as he ordered the special, rubbing his leg against mine the entire time. I barely managed to stutter out my order at all, squirming in my seat as I did. As soon as the waitress was gone, Carrick stopped.

“You are horrible,” I said, smiling in spite of myself.

He winked. “You love it.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I replied, blushing a little and glancing away. It wasn't like he didn't already know the effect he had on me, but I didn't feel like letting that show in public.

After a moment of silence had passed, Carrick gave a sigh. “Heard from the c-word yet?”

“No,” I replied, shaking my head. “I didn't figure I would, though.”

“Don't worry,” Carrick said, his voice low and a slight pout on his lips. “It'll work out.”

“I hope you're right. I mean, she can't just run away, right?”

“No. She can't,” he replied firmly, squeezing my hand. “You'll see them soon.”

“I hope so.”

He brushed his fingers up my arm a bit, giving me a soft little smile. It was another one of those rare moments when Carrick was at a loss for words.

“I miss them so much,” I said softly. With the tiniest hint of a smile, I added, “Not to brag or anything, but I have the most awesome babies ever.”

Carrick returned my smile. “Of course you do. Look who they have for a dad.”

“And surprisingly, they're pretty cute, too.”

“Not that surprising, but yeah,” Carrick said, laughing and nodding. “Shep's gonna be a heartbreaker someday, just like his old man.”

I grinned proudly and blushed at the compliment. “He's definitely my mini-me. Just as crazy, too.”

“I'll bet.” Carrick laughed. “And Junia's gonna have problems when she hits high school.”

“She's gonna have problems with school, period, if she takes after me.”

“I was thinking more of Daddy sitting on the porch polishing his gun,” Carrick replied, chuckling. With a smirk, he added, “Dating, Zac. There's gonna come a time when your little baby starts dating.”

“No. No there's not,” I replied quickly, suddenly feeling nauseous. “I won't allow it.”

Carrick blinked, then burst out laughing. I wasn't sure what was so funny.

“I know what boys are like. I mean, I assume straight boys are just as bad as, say... _you_. They won't make it past the driveway.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Carrick replied, smirking. “AK or double barrel?”

I had a feeling he was teasing me, but I couldn't let a gun question slip by me unanswered. “Shotgun. It's a classic, you know? Just screams 'don't touch my daughter, punk.'”

Carrick gave me a little grin, and I fully expected some comment about how much of a redneck I was. Surprisingly, he didn't comment on my gun fetish.

“Now, can we drop the subject of my little Junebug dating? Please?”

“Sure,” he replied with a chuckle.

A moment later, the waitress arrived with our food, which effectively did shut us up, at least for a while. I couldn't stop thinking about what he had said about Junia dating. Of course I knew that wouldn't happen for a long time; she hadn't even celebrated her second birthday yet. But it seemed like she had been born just yesterday. Before I knew it, I really would be the father of a teenager girl. And that kind of terrified me. I sat my sandwich back on the plate and glanced up at Carrick.

“You really think I could scare any boys off, anyway? I mean, maybe with the gun...”

Carrick grinned. “Haven't scared me off yet.”

“Well, you're not a teenage boy. They scare easier, don't they?”

He snorted. “Think you got that backwards, babe.”

“What?”

“Teenage guys aren't scared of anything,” he replied, looking a bit thoughtful. “Or maybe that was just me...”

“I guess,” I said, shrugging. “I kinda went straight from eleven to middle aged.”

Carrick gave me a sad little frown. I hadn't meant for that to sound so depressing, but it did. It was the truth, though. Doing what I loved for a living was, in a way, like never having to grow up. I knew Kate definitely saw it that way. But I had been on the road, working, being a businessman since I was barely on the verge of puberty. So much had been thrown at me some quickly that I was forced to grow up in ways that someone who didn't live my mind of life would never understand.

I sighed. “I mean, I had to, didn't I? But I turned out okay... right?”

“Better than okay,” he replied, holding my hand and giving me a smile. 

Carrick had started a little older than me – around the same time, but he was already in college – but I knew he understood. Again, I couldn't help blushing and smiling at the compliment. He reached up and brushed a piece of hair behind my ear, causing me to jump a little but my smile stayed in place.

“So shy...” he said quietly, smirking.

“I'm sorry,” I replied. “I'm just not used to being all affectionate in public with... well, you know.”

“I know.” He nodded and touched my cheek. “Do you mind this?”

“N-no... I mean it feels right. It does. It's just different,” I tried to explain, my blush deepening. “I feel like everyone's watching us.”

Carrick only smiled.

“They are, aren't they? People are staring.”

He glanced around. “Totally. All eyes are on you.”

I rolled my eyes. He had to be messing with me, but I wasn't going to look around to verify his claim.

“As they should be,” Carrick added, winking.

“Yeah, whatever. Probably thinking, 'oh, look, it's one of those Hanson girls,'' I said, hoping to get a laugh from Carrick. It didn't work. Instead, he just rolled his eyes at me.

“More like wishing they were in my place.”

“Oh, just shut up,” I replied, giving Carrick a nudge. I wasn't really upset with him, but there was only so much of his teasing and compliments that I could take.

His smirk only grew. “You gonna make me?”

Blushing at the sheer thought of what I was going to do, I sneaked my hand under the table and placed it on Carrick's thigh. I wasn't really sure how far I was willing to go, but I figured at least that little move would be enough to shock him.

“Hmm, interesting,” he said, arching an eyebrow.

“What?” I asked, attempting to look innocent and casually picking up a french fry with my free hand.

Seconds later, I felt Carrick's hand firmly on my dick. The french fry fell out of my hand and I let out the most pathetic little squeak. Carrick smirked and quietly said, “Longer arms.”

I didn't reply, because I was fairly certain I had lost the power of speech. I definitely didn't want to squeak at him again. With a soft chuckle, Carrick slid his hand up and down my length, which was rapidly hardening in response to his touch.

“Carrick,” I managed to gasp out.

“Yeah, babe?” He gave me an innocent smile and squeezed my dick gently.

At that, I gave a little jump and frantically looked around for the waitress. With another chuckle, Carrick finally pulled his hand back just as I saw the waitress approaching. I hurriedly fumbled through my wallet and handed her my card before she even had time to hand me the check.

Once she was gone, I turned back to Carrick. “Can't take you anywhere, I swear.”

“Oh, baby,” he said with a laugh, and shook his head. Giving me a lusty grin, he added, “You can take me anywhere you want.”

Blushing yet again, I mumbled, “Sadly, not right here on the patio.”

“Wanna bet?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“I have a feeling the management might take issue with that.”

“Yeah,” Carrick replied, snickering. “I'm sure at least a few people wouldn't mind the show, though.”

I rolled my eyes. “Dinner and a show has probably never meant live action gay porn before. At least, not in Tulsa.”

Carrick laughed so loudly that the table next to us turned around and stared. Luckily, the waitress choose that moment to finally return with my credit card and the receipt. I signed it quickly, leaving her a generous tip for tolerating our ridiculousness and stood up, grabbing Carrick's arm.

“Come on. Let's get you out of here before your libido gets us kicked out.”

He only let me drag him before steps before he stopped and yanked back, forcing me to spin around. The look I found on his face was surprisingly sincere and... loving? Maybe.

“Hey,” he said simply.

“What?”

He didn't reply – at least, not with words. Instead, he reached his hand out to my cheek, then leaned down and kissed me gently. If the entire patio crowd hadn't been staring at us before, they definitely were then. It didn't even matter that the kiss barely lasted two seconds. When it was over, I smiled up at him and tried to resist the urge to look around while I thought of something intelligent to say.

“You can keep your cup by the way. Free souvenir.” Well, that wasn't intelligent at all. Carrick didn't seem to mind how incredibly stupid I was, though. He just giggled.

“Ooh, sweet,” he replied, reaching back to the table to grab his cup, then motioning for me to lead the way.

It was easy to let my hand drift from his arm to his waist as we walked out together. Being with him was actually started to feel kind of natural and right. I hardly cared at all if people were staring. They were all going to learn the truth about me eventually, anyway.

I steered him through the parking lot and away from my truck. There was a little park along the river next to the restaurant. It wasn't anything especially fancy, but the view was nice and it wasn't crowded, despite how popular the Blue Rose was. 

“I thought we could, umm, walk around for a bit. It's kinda nice here.” Really, my conversational skills were astounding. Was this what being kissed by a guy in public did to me? 

“Anything you want, babe,” Carrick replied, lacing his fingers through mine. If that wasn't enough to practically kill me on the spot, the huge smile he gave me was definitely the last nail in the coffin.

“It's just a little park,” I said, shrugging and trying to stop staring at our hands. “The river, walking trail... not much to it.”

“It's nice, though.”

“I know it's all boring compared to L.A.,” I replied. I felt this need to apologize for everything; it was like all of Tulsa was a reflection of my lameness, too. I loved Tulsa, but I couldn't imagine why Carrick would choose it – or me – over the life he had back in California.

He shook his head. “Not boring. Just different.”

“I know L.A., Carrick. This is boring. But, I dunno, it's home.”

“You're here,” he replied, smiling. “Therefore, not boring.”

“Yeah right,” I said, steering us down the little walking path that ran more or less parallel to the river. “I'm the most boring thing about this place.”

Carrick stopped walking and forced me to look at him again. He shook his head and gave me a serious look.

“What?”

“Babe...” he said, stepping closer and wrapping his arms around my waist. “Why do you always do that?”

“Do what?”

“Put yourself down. Or just de-emphasize yourself.”

I shrugged. “Just trying to save everyone else the trouble, I guess.”

“Babe...” he said again, softly, pouting. I had thought I was finished blushing for the day, but the way he kept repeating that pet name made my blush return in earnest.

“Have I mentioned I like it when you call me that?”

“I kinda noticed,” he replied, smiling slightly. All too soon, his face turned serious again and he sighed. “But I mean it. Look, I know she laid into you for a long time. I can't pretend to know what that must've done to you. But you gotta try to forget it, to move past it.”

I shrugged and bit my lip, considering how to reply. I didn't want to talk about Kate or all the myriad other reasons why I spent most days feeling pretty damn worthless. But I knew that one way or another, even if it wasn't right then, Carrick would make me talk about it. It was easier just to go ahead.

“It's not just her,” I finally said. “Not really. I mean, you try growing up as Taylor Fucking Hanson's goofy little brother.”

Carrick frowned. “He's not as perfect as you like to picture him. He's just a guy, just like you and me, flawed just as much.”

“He's still Taylor Hanson,” I replied with a shrug. “And he was still the one everyone noticed. Not me.”

“Fuck what everyone noticed,” Carrick said, giving a frustrated sigh. When I didn't have a reply for that, he said, “Zac... you wanna know what I think?”

“Are you gonna tell me even if I say no?” I asked, smirking.

“Damn skippy.” Carrick returned my smirk, then sighed again. “I think he should be looking up to you. You think he's so perfect, but the truth is, you're better than him in so many ways.”

“Like what.” I really couldn't think of a single way that he wasn't perfect, except for maybe the way he was treating me lately. But even that, I knew I had earned, so it hardly counted.

“You didn't get your ex-girlfriend pregnant. You didn't go on a coke bender. You didn't have three relationships going at once.”

“But I was so clueless that I didn't even know about one of those three,” I pointed out, frowning. I knew everything Carrick said was true, but I also knew Taylor, better than I had back then. He might have been flawed, but so what? I'm not sure Carrick even heard me, though. He was too busy making his point.

“You haven't let everything get you down. Mostly. You're not as jaded as he is.” He paused for a second, then smirked. “Plus, in my opinion, you've got way more talent.”

I returned the smirk. “Well, you're right about that one. I mean, have you heard him play drums?”

Carrick smirked more. I didn't like insulting Taylor – not the way that Carrick had, even if it was the truth – but a few jokes at his expense never failed to make me feel better.

“And I'm pretty sure he only wears the guitar as an accessory. He doesn't actually play it,” I added with a giggle, and Carrick chuckled in return.

“Plus...” he whispered in my ear. “I'm pretty sure he's all talk when it comes to what he's packing.” Carrick brushed his hand over my thigh at that, as though I might have some doubt what he was talking about.

“W-well... I mean...” I stuttered out, my face feeling like it was absolutely on fire. I couldn't believe I was basically letting my boyfriend molest me in public – while talking about the size of my brother's dick, no less. It was absolutely ridiculous.

Carrick grinned and placed a few kisses against my neck. “You're a better kisser too, ya know.”

“If you say so...” I replied, moaning softly and trying really hard not to just collapse on the spot from how good his lips felt.

“Probably better in bed, too,” Carrick mumbled, nipping at my neck. “Drummers do it better, right?”

“Well... yeah...” I stuttered out, smirking a little at how corny he was. “I mean, I guess I'm alright.”

“Way better than alright.” He punctuated the statement with another nibble on my neck, harder than before. His hands crept to my hips and I started to worry just how far he was willing to go right there in the park.

Giggling a little, I pulled away and took his hand in mine again, dragging him down the foot path yet again. This was supposed to be a nice, normal date, not something that would end with us getting arrested for public indecency. Carrick sighed, but gave me a smile anyway and let himself be drug along. 

At least for a moment. Suddenly, he stopped on the spot, and I was forced to stop as well. A wide grin spread across his face.

“Is that what I think it is?”

I followed his eyes, which were widening by the second. “It's... a bison?”

Carrick glanced at me, then back at the statue. “I wanna ride it.”

Before I could reply, he had pulled away from me and was taking long strides toward the bronze statue. Just when I thought he couldn't get any more ridiculous, he had to go and prove me wrong.

“Of course you do,” I mumbled, following behind him. I didn't even care that he wouldn't see how hard I rolled my eyes, it still made me feel better.

He practically jogged the last few yards to the statue. He began to swing one long leg over it, then paused in mid-air. His grin widening even further, he said, “Ooh, he's warm.”

“You are insane,” I said, rolling my eyes yet again as I joined him beside the statue.

Carrick was unfazed, though. “No, seriously. Feel this. He's like... warm.”

“You're talking about the statue like h- it. Like it's real.”

He shrugged. “Well, I can't gender-check him. He's lying down.”

If Carrick was going to be ridiculous, then I supposed I might as well be ridiculous, too. It wasn't beyond my capabilities. I gave the bison a good look, staring him right in his big bronze eyes. With as serious a look on my face as I could manage, I said, “Looks like a him, though.”

Carrick nodded sagely, then hopped up on the bison's back and yelled, “Yee-haw!”

“Oh for fuck's sake.”

He laughed hard and held a hand out to me. “C'mon, this guy's built for two,” he said, giving me a wink.

With yet another roll of my eyes – they were really getting a workout that night – I took his hand and climbed on in front of him. He was right; the bison was warm. I wasn't going to tell him that, though. I really didn't need to make Carrick any more smug than his default setting. He wrapped his arms around my waist and rested his chin on my shoulder, letting out a content sigh that I couldn't help matching with one of my own.

“I think you're officially an Oklahoman now,” I said, hating myself for breaking the silence. “Since you've gotten all friendly with a bison.”

Carrick let out a soft chuckle, then snorted. “I wonder if anyone's had sex up here.”

“I don't know, but we are _not_ going to be the first.”

He giggled and kissed my neck. “You sure, babe?”

“Yes,” I replied, trying to keep my voice firm despite the way I instinctively leaned closer to him.

Carrick noticed that little movement, of course, and pulled me back further, rolling his hips just the tiniest bit.

“Carrick,” I said sternly.

“Okay, okay...” he chuckled. “Save that for next time.”

“Like I'm gonna bring you here again,” I replied, chuckling.

To my surprise, he didn't press the issue. He just sighed contently and leaned his head against mine. His hands crept around my body, finding mine and lacing our fingers together. Despite my stern words, I really didn't mind how silly he was. It was part of why we got along so well. He didn't judge all the stupid stuff I did, and I didn't point out that he was a thirty-five year old man riding a bison statue.


	16. Chapter 16

**Carrick**

**I was really getting used to living with Zac; we had our little routines, and it was really starting to feel like home. It'd been a couple weeks, and even though I'd just dropped everything and flown to Tulsa with no plans to stay, now I had no intention of leaving any time soon. So what if my apartment was still sitting there, full of all my stuff? All I needed was right here.**

**I'd just run out for a few things, but it ended up taking almost two hours to get to the store and back. When I returned I looked for Zac, but the house seemed to be empty. His car was still there, and Call of Duty was on pause in the living room, so he couldn't have gone far. I searched the whole house before heading out into the yard; my eyes fell to the treehouse he'd recently built, and my heart dropped. As I walked over, the sound of quiet tears confirmed my suspicions.**

**Sure enough, as I climbed up into the small room I saw Zac sitting in the corner, hugging one of Junia's dolls to his chest and rocking gently back and forth. His hair hid his face, but the way his shoulders shook told me all I needed to know. I crawled over and sat next to him, reaching out to touch his arm.**

**"Babe," I said softly; he flinched away from my touch, but looked up, his eyes red and glossy.**

**"What?" he croaked, and I felt my chest tighten and my eyes water. It killed me to see him like this, knowing there wasn't much I could do. But I could be there for him, at least.**

**"You'll get them back."**

**"You don't know that." Zac sniffled loudly, and I moved closer, wrapping my arms around him. He tensed up at first, but as I rubbed his arms he relaxed against my chest. "You heard what she said about me; she's gonna keep the babies as far away from me as she can."**

**"Shh, no. It's gonna be okay babe." I stroked his hair as I held him, hoping to give him at least a little comfort. I couldn't imagine a worse feeling in the world than what he must have been going through.**

**"I mean, I know I was a shitty husband, but I'm a good daddy."**

**"No," I said more firmly, pulling back to look at him. "You're a _great_ daddy." That seemed to help a little, as he smiled sadly at me.**

**"Yeah?"**

**"Yeah," I assured him, smiling back and wiping the tears from his cheeks.**

**"I built this for them, you know. The treehouse." He looked around, and I followed his eyes, smiling more.**

**"It's great."**

**"We had one at our old house, when I was little; I just thought my kids should have one too... And maybe I wanted one for myself."**

**"Just maybe?" I smirked at Zac; I knew him better than that, and he knew it.**

**"Well... Okay fine, I wanted a treehouse." Zac smiled sheepishly, shrugging, and I hugged him closer. "I'm the only one who's gonna get to play with it now, anyway," Zac mumbled, his smile falling.**

**"They'll be back, and they'll love it. And we'll make all kinds of memories with them up here."**

**"Yeah?" Zac's smile returned again, softly, and I was pretty sure he understood the 'we' part.**

**"Yeah. We could be, you know..." I smiled a bit shyly, looking down; it wasn't a feeling I was used to experiencing around Zac, or at least not showing it.**

**"What?" Zac tilted his head, once again displaying the adorable confused puppy look.**

**"A family," I finally said, quietly.**

**"I think... I like that idea."**

**I looked up; Zac's eyes were warm and loving, and I couldn't help smiling. So much had changed so fast, but the feelings I had for Zac were nothing new; I'd just never let him see them. But now that I was free to let him know just how I felt, and knowing he actually felt the same, I couldn't imagine a better feeling.**

**"I think I do too." I leaned closer, looking between his eyes and his lips; a moment later he closed the gap, kissing me gently. I ran a hand through his hair, pulling him closer, but apparently it wasn't close enough, and he crawled into my lap. Not that I minded; I wrapped my arms around him, rocking him gently as we kissed. It was sweet and tender, but that didn't stop things from heating up before long.**

**"You know, we probably shouldn't do this here," Zac said shyly, his cheeks an adorable shade of pink.**

**"Why not?" I tried to distract him by kissing his neck, nipping at all the spots he loved, and for a moment it almost worked.**

**"Just seems... wrong."**

**"Wrong can be fun, though," I pointed out, nibbling a bit harder and earning a soft moan.**

**"Th-that's true," Zac stuttered, whimpering as I worked my way down his shoulder. I thought he would put up more of a fight, but instead I felt him grinding against me a little.**

**"That's it babe," I sighed, grabbing his hips and pulling him harder against me. "Gotta get you to loosen up a bit."**

**I took my time running my hands up and down his back and chest, lifting his shirt up and off; Zac was still self-conscious, but he was getting better at letting me look at him. Still, he blushed harder, pouting a bit as I ran my hands over his chest and stomach.**

**"Zac..."**

**"I'm fine," he sighed before I had the chance to say anything.**

**"Talk to me babe."**

**"Don't wanna." He was being stubborn, sticking his bottom lip out like a five year old; so I leaned forward and caught it between my teeth, nibbling lightly.**

**"Not. Nice."**

**"Talk."**

**"We were having fun... Talk would ruin that."**

**"Zac..." I sighed heavily; his stubbornness was something I was well acquainted with, and usually I thought it was adorable. But that was mostly because he knew I was just as stubborn, so usually he didn't try to butt heads with me.**

**"This is never gonna work unless you trust me."**

**"I do trust you." Zac blinked at me, confused, but I shook my head.**

**"You don't trust me enough to talk to me when something's bothering you. That's what makes a relationship work, babe. It's not just enjoying the fun times; it's being able to lean on each other through the not-so-fun times."**

**Zac sighed heavily, running a hand through his hair. I knew this was probably a new concept for him, considering who he'd been married to. But I wanted him to know that he could open up to me, no matter what.**

**"It's just... I dunno, feeling insecure about... stuff."**

**"Like what?" I touched Zac's cheek; I knew what it was, but he needed to learn to speak up.**

**"The way I look."**

**"What about it?"**

**"Just, like how pudgy I am. You were touching my chest and stuff..."**

**"Is this what bothers you?" I asked, running a hand over his stomach. He nodded glumly, looking away, but I turned his face back to me.**

**"You shouldn't let this bother you. But if it makes you that unhappy, I can try to help you lose some weight. We could work out together." I wasn't blind; I knew Zac wasn't exactly skinny, and it wouldn't be fair to him to lie and tell him he was perfect. I didn't think he needed to change, but it wasn't my body, so I had no right to judge.**

**"I could tone up a bit myself," I chuckled, pinching my belly; there wasn't much there, but more than there could have been.**

**"You look great," Zac sighed, rolling his eyes.**

**"I'm happy with myself," I replied with a shrug."**

**"Good. You should be."**

**"So should you. But I mean it; if you want to change, I'll help."**

**"I mean, I've dieted before... Always gained it back. I took up running last tour; that didn't last long."**

**"How come?"**

**"Because I'm a lazy bastard?" Zac laughed; I chuckled along, giving his rear a squeeze.**

**"Well maybe you just need someone to keep your ass motivated."**

**"You can definitely keep my ass motivated," he giggled.**

**"Personally, I like a little meat." I went back to trailing my fingers across his stomach; I loved how soft he was.**

**"Well I've got that covered." Zac sighed, slowly relaxing into my touch, purring when I ran my fingers through his hair. I leaned up to kiss him, giving his stomach a gentle squeeze, making him giggle; the laugh turned into a moan as I massaged his abs, moving my hand lower. When I slipped my hand beneath the waistband of his jeans, rubbing just above his dick, he moaned louder, grinding against me. I undid his jeans, sliding them and his boxers down and teasing the area around the base of his dick, earning an adorably needy whimper.**

**"Carrick..."**

**"Yeah babe?"**

**"Touch me?" Zac pouted a bit, but I kept teasing; he was too adorable, and too sexy, and I wanted to push him a bit.**

**"Carrick, touch me," he growled; I wasn't used to hearing him sound so intimidating, but I liked it. I relented a bit, just barely brushing my fingers against him.**

**"Or what?"**

**"Just... please?" As quick as it had come, the ferocity faded, Zac's eyes pleading, and I caved. I leaned up to kiss him, brushing my fingers against him; he thrust into my hand desperately, and I let my fingers curl around him in a firm but gentle grip.**

**"Finally," he moaned, and I chuckled; he was just too cute when he was needy. I started a slow rhythm, grinding my hips against his ass as he rocked against me. I kept it up for a few minutes before pulling away, a little breathless.**

**"Lay down, babe." He eagerly complied, and I laid down next to him, running my hand up and down his chest and stomach. I kissed a path down his chest, staring up at him as I threw my leg over, straddling him. The moment was hot, but there was an underlying emotion to it, too; I wanted to make him feel good in every sense.**

**I flicked my tongue out at one of his dark nipples, earning a breathy whimper; it turned into a loud moan as I bit down, snarling a bit. I gave the other side the same treatment, chuckling at Zac's wide eyes. I'd always held back a bit with him, not wanting to scare him off, but he looked like he was enjoying it plenty.**

**I kept moving lower, nipping at his skin as I went, pausing to look up when I reached Zac's stomach. He looked down at me, nervous but excited, so I went on kissing and nibbling his belly. I flicked my tongue out at his happy trail, drawing another moan from him; moving lower, I kept teasing him, circling the base of his dick with my tongue.**

**"Carrick," he half-sighed, half-moaned.**

**"Yeah?"**

**"Just... stop being such a tease."**

**"You know you love it."**

**"You're alright," Zac breathed, smirking a bit; I answered by catching his skin between my teeth, biting just enough to make him hiss. He stared at me, his big brown eyes pleading, and I felt a little bad. I dragged my tongue up his shaft, pulling away just before his head.**

**"You... are evil," Zac groaned.**

**"Yeah, yeah. You love it."**

**"Yeah, whatever," Zac sighed, rolling his eyes. His eyes went wide, though, his mouth hanging open, when I devoured his cock all at once. I chuckled around him, pressing one hand lightly against his stomach as I sucked him slowly. He gripped my hair tightly, moaning as I dug my nails into his skin; his hips bucked up, shoving him down my throat, but I took it easily.**

**Zac stared wide-eyed at me as I let him fuck my mouth, dragging my nails down over his hips. I didn't want things to get too far too fast, though, so a couple minutes later I pulled back, pulling my tank top off and laying next to him. Zac watched me curiously, pouting a bit.**

**"It's okay to take what you want, you know. You don't always gotta wait for me."**

**"You know what I want, though," Zac said shyly, his cheeks pink.**

**"Maybe." Yeah, I was being difficult. But I wanted to see what Zac would do, if I made him take control.**

**"Carrick, I want you to fuck me. You know that."**

**"Yeah, and I wanna fuck you." I was grinning; Zac was so cute when he was slow.**

**"So fuck me then." Zac's voice took on a husky tone; I could tell he was getting desperate. I stared at him with lusty eyes, smirking as I trailed a finger down his chest, brushing over his hardened nipple.**

**"Make me." I watched as Zac's eyes widened; sometimes he seemed so innocent, so pure. It was one of my favorite things about him. I took his hand in mine, guiding it to my zipper; he rolled his eyes and took over, pulling my jeans off and crawling between my legs.**

**He wasted no time taking me in his mouth; my eyes rolled back as he worked his tongue around me, making my hips roll up As I stared down at him, he reached a hand back, sliding a finger into himself; my eyes widened as be started to finger himself to the fast pace he was sucking me. He wanted it bad, bad enough to get past his usual shyness.**

**"Fuck, babe," I moaned, running my fingers through his hair. He grinned, adding a second finger and moaning loudly. "Fuck, that's hot."**

**"I got impatient," he breathed, smirking coyly. He sped up the pace of both his hand and his mouth, as I shook under him. This was turning out to be the hottest thing I'd seen from him yet, and it just kept getting better. Not long after, he slid his fingers out and crawled on top of me; I barely had time to grip his hips before he descended on me all at once. He moaned loudly, his head rolling back, and I answered with a growl, thrusting my hips up against him.**

**"Now that's hot," he sighed, rolling his hips; I planted my feet for leverage as I thrust up into him again and again, holding him steady. "Fuck yeah..."**

**"Yeah babe? How bout this?" I pulled Zac down onto me, meeting each thrust with equal force; Zac cried out, throwing his head back and clawing at my chest. I slammed into him again and again, our moans echoing off the walls; I dragged my nails over his stomach, angling my hips to hit his prostate at the same time.**

**"Fuck!"**

**I repeated both motions again, harder, earning another scream. I kept up the pace, driving Zac closer and closer to the edge. I wanted to push him further, though, mentally as well as physically.**

**"Tell me. Tell me what you need."**

**"Just... just exactly what you're doing... so close..." Zac was panting, beads of sweat rolling down his chest.**

**"You gotta learn to be a little more specific." I hit his spot again, harder, and he cried out.**

**"That. Th-that spot. Feels so good..."**

**"You mean this spot?" Once again I drilled into him with pinpoint accuracy, making him scream.**

**"Yes."**

**"How bout this?" I dragged my nails down his chest, leaving red marks behind; he hissed, his back arching, but the way his hips ground against mine told me he loved it.**

**"Yes."**

**"God, I love fucking you." I blinked, going over my words, double-checking the order; Zac's expression and the blush in his cheeks suggested he was doing the same thing.**

**"Yeah?"**

**"Yeah. What about you?" Zac wasn't much of a dirty talker, but man I wanted to hear him say some filthy stuff, just once.**

**"L-love getting... fucked by you..."**

**"Tell me. Tell me how much you love it."**

**"F-feels so good..." Zac's blush deepened, his voice lowering as he went on. "Love your cock." I slowed down, trying to encourage him to geep going, but he just pouted.**

**"C'mon babe," I said a little softer. "Tell me what you like."**

**"I like it when... you're rough with me. And wh-when you fuck me... hard. Really hard."**

**I moaned loudly, pulling him onto me harder; what my baby wants, my baby gets.**

**"You have any idea how sexy you are when you talk like that?" Zac just shook his head, smiling shyly; I pulled him down, kissing him hard. "Keep talkin' babe."**

**"Love... riding you. Even if you're doing most of the work; kinda love that too."**

**"You love riding me, huh?" I stopped my hips, smirking up at him. "I love that too. Watching you ride my dick; that's fucking hot." Slowly, Zac got the hint, lifting up and lowering himself back onto me.**

**"That's it babe." Zac picked up the pace, hands pressing against my chest as he moved faster over me. "Fuck Zac... ride it."**

**Zac looked at me, his eyes dark, riding me fast and hard, and growled; I growled right back, digging my nails into his hips.**

**"How's it feel?"**

**"So fucking good. Love the way you feel inside me." Zac was still blushing, but he was getting the hang of talking, and it was even hotter than I'd imagined. One of his hands left my chest, wrapping around his own dick and stroking.**

**"Impatient much?" I chuckled, covering his hand with mine.**

**"Yes."**

**"You like riding my cock?" I rocked my hips against him, hitting his spot again and again.**

**"Love riding your cock."**

**"How much?"**

**"God... So much."**

**"You like when I pound your ass, Zac?"**

**"Fuck... yes." We were going fast and hard, our hips crashing frantically against each other's, growling and moaning and sweating.**

**"Tell me how much you fucking love it."**

**"Carrick... shut up. Just shut up and _fuck me_." I couldn't help laughing; I'd been told more times than I could count that I talked too much. But to make him happy I kept my mouth shut, gripping his hips tighter and slamming into him harder.**

**"Fuck, I'm close babe..."**

**"Me too."**

**"Fuck..." I pulled Zac almost completely off of me, driving myself into him as hard as I possibly could; he screamed loudly, his eyes squeezed shut as he shot his load across my chest. Another couple pelvis-shattering thrusts later and I was filling him up, holding him so tight we might as well have been fused together.**

**We collapsed in a sweaty, panting heap, a heaving tangle of limbs. Slowly we came down, re-arranging ourselves into a cozy spooning position as we caught our breath.**

**"Carrick... That was..."**

**"Yeah?"**

**"Fucking amazing." Zac blushed, his usual shyness returning, but I didn't mind.**

**"Yeah." I kissed the top of his head, hugging him close.**

**"I'm gonna need to take a pressure washer to this thing before I let the kids play in it," Zac groaned; I laughed hard, shoving Zac back as he shoved me playfully.**

**"You're horrible, you know that?"**

**"Yeah, yeah..." I just rolled my eyes, chuckling as I hugged Zac to my chest.**

**"Such a bad influence on me," he muttered, smirking; I leaned down, kissing him gently. As we drifted off to sleep, naked and covered in come in his kids' treehouse, I had to wonder if maybe there wasn't some truth to that; but as long as he needed me, I'd be there.**


	17. Chapter 17

**Taylor**

I didn't just let Zac go; I pushed him away. I literally turned my back on him, and it was the hardest thing I'd ever done in my life. After he left me in the park, I sat on that picnic table and cried until it was too dark to see. I texted Natalie, letting her know I'd be home in the morning, then drove to the nearest hotel and booked a room. I would give myself one night to grieve.

I wanted to cry myself to sleep, but images of him kept ghosting across my mind; thoughts of him alone, thoughts of us together, and the image of him and Carrick, caught in a passionate embrace. Tears came and went, ebbing and flowing like a sea of loss. But not regret; despite everything, I was sure I had made the right choice for Zac. He would be happy; his happiness mattered far more than mine. 

Eventually, exhaustion won, but I found no rest or comfort; it felt like I'd barely slept at all when my daily alarm went off at six. My children would be waking up in half an hour; it was that thought that made me get out of bed and wash my face. After a quick stop at Starbucks, I walked into my kitchen just as Natalie was coming down to start breakfast. Her eyes passed over me, and I was surprised to see not suspicion, but sympathy. I gave her a half-hearted smile as I got the eggs out of the fridge and handed them to her without a word.

I helped her get the kids ready and off to day camp, then did the dishes before heading to my studio. The rest of the morning passed quietly; I focused on writing, keeping all thoughts of Zac from my mind. I hadn't even noticed the passing of time when Natalie came in with a sandwich and a glass of lemonade; I smiled weakly, and she sat beside me on the piano bench. I could see the wheels turning as she touched a couple of keys; she'd asked me to teach her, when we first started dating.

"Is there someone else?" Her tone was soft and neutral, without a hint of accusation. It would have been easy enough to tell her she had no reason to doubt me. It wouldn't even have been a lie anymore. But as she looked up at me, I couldn't. I had to be honest with her about this, if nothing else; I lied to her often enough, especially when I told her I loved her. 

"Not anymore."

She surprised me again, by giving me a sad smile and placing a hand on my shoulder. The understanding I saw in her eyes was so unexpected, as was the gentleness of her touch; my eyes watered as they searched hers, but she merely nodded, wrapping her arms around me. I shifted to return the embrace, but for once it felt like she was supporting me, rubbing my back and stroking my hair as a mother would soothe her child.

I barely felt the tears that flowed down my cheeks and onto her blouse, but she just whispered soothing words, holding me. I didn't deserve such kindness from someone I'd effectively been cheating on, but there it was. After a few minutes I pulled back, and I felt like I was seeing her in a whole new light. She smiled, wiping my cheeks and patting my shoulder.

"It's going to be okay. Things happen for a reason, Taylor, even when we don't want them to." Her words comforted me even more than her soothing hands. Maybe all I'd needed was for someone to tell me it would all be alright. I returned her smile, genuinely feeling a sliver of happiness for the first time in a while, however small. We sat quietly for a few minutes, sharing the simple meal she'd given me; there was an almost sacred feeling to it, like we were commemorating the shift that had occurred.

I'd love to say things got easier after that, but that wouldn't be entirely true. There were days at the studio when I had to leave the room for a moment, just to calm my breathing and my shaking hands. There were nights when I awoke from dreams of Zac, sometimes with me, sometimes with Carrick. And there were times in the shower when the water streaming down my face tasted saltier than it should have.

But I did the best I could. I took those few extra breaths, or rolled over to watch my wife sleeping soundly beside me. Natalie was nothing if not patient; she never said a word when I came out of the bathroom, my face looking worse than when I went in, or when I held her tighter for no reason. She did more than she had to, between the comforting touches and understanding smiles, never pressing, but always there. It was strange; our marriage was still coming to an end, but a different kind of relationship was taking its place.

What made it go even more smoothly, though, was the change I started to see in Zac. He seemed happier than he'd been in years, more confident and assertive. Maybe I loved Zac too much to make him change, but Carrick seemed to be doing just fine. Though it hurt to think about them together, I was more sure than ever that I'd made the right choice. And when I did see them together, the growing love between them was painfully obvious.

There were times when I felt his eyes on me, or when his smile would falter, but they were becoming fewer and farther between. He never brought up the subject of 'us' though, and for that I was grateful. I felt confident in the choice I'd made, but I knew I only had so much resolve. I didn't know how much it would take to break me, but I had a feeling it wouldn't be much.

****

It was a normal Thursday night, about a month and a half after I broke up with my brother. I helped Natalie get the kids to bed, washed the dishes with her, then followed her up to our bedroom. When I came out of the shower in my plaid pajama pants, she was sitting at her vanity, brushing out her hair. I leaned in the doorway for a minute, just watching her; sometimes I forgot just how beautiful I found her, especially when both of us were caught up in the gritty details of life with four children. But in that moment, she was stunning.

She saw me in the mirror, one manicured eyebrow raising; I just smiled, walking over and resting my hands on her shoulders. She didn't say anything as I leaned down to kiss the top of her head, but I could tell she was surprised at the display of affection. It'd been months since we'd been even remotely intimate, even before my relationship with Zac ever began. I didn't know what was causing my actions any more than she did, but maybe I just wanted her to know that even though things between us were changing, I still cared about her.

"Taylor!" Natalie laughed as I picked her up and carried her over to the bed, hitting the lights on my way; her laughter died as I laid next to her, running my fingers through her hair. She covered my hand with hers, and I could tell in her eyes that this was okay. I leaned closer and laid a gentle kiss on her lips; it felt like a promise and an apology, and her response felt like acceptance of both.

There was no urgency, but no hesitation, either; time seemed to halt, letting us lose ourselves in each other. It was unspoken but understood that this was the last, the final goodbye; it was at once bittersweet and beautiful, and both of us shed a tear for what was, what could have been, and what never would be. But there was no real sorrow; it was like letting go of a childhood dream that you've outgrown, but still have fond memories of. The childhood dream of growing old together was one we'd both held on to, but the harsh reality had eventually taken its toll, and acknowledging it felt more like relief than regret.

Afterwards, as Natalie lay asleep in my arms, I thought again of Zac and Carrick. Perhaps they would succeed where I'd failed; I wished them the best, even though it broke my heart every time. It wasn't any easier than it'd been that day in the park, but I'd learned to ignore the pain, to look past it to see how happy Zac seemed. I wondered if he was laying in Carrick's arms, sleeping soundly next to the man he loved. I trusted Carrick to take good care of him; if Zac had to be with anyone, I'm glad it was his long-time friend.

Morning came, the sunlight filtering through the curtains and casting a natural spotlight on my sleeping wife. I thought of kissing her forehead, but decided against it; the time for that had come and gone. Instead, I carefully pulled my arm out from under her and padded downstairs to start breakfast. The magic of the previous evening had faded while we slept, and now a sense of finality was settling. When she joined me not long after, I could tell she felt it as well.

"I'm meeting with my lawyer again this afternoon," she said quietly as she sipped her coffee. She seemed almost apologetic as she stared down at her cup; I just nodded, focusing on the bacon and eggs in front of me. The lawyer's appointments were becoming more frequent, for both of us, and I knew the paperwork wouldn't be far behind. There was so much to discuss, but neither one of us wanted to bring it up. But now, the weight of the situation was really hitting us both it seemed.

I turned to say something, but she was already heading back upstairs. It was probably for the best; there was nothing more to say, really. Our marriage was officially over, emotionally if not legally. I sighed as I turned back to the stove; I just wished it'd been that easy to sever ties with Zac. I wondered if he still thought about me at all, if he still wished I'd said yes to him. There were times when I wished I had, but I reminded myself how happy he looked, how much better off he seemed to be. It was a small comfort, but with so much of my life slipping away, I was willing to take anything I could get.


	18. Chapter 18

**Zac**

After more than a month together, everything wasn't perfect, but life with Carrick was pretty good. Weird, but good. I still had to go to work with Taylor, but knowing that I was coming home to Carrick every night made things a lot better. We didn't even have to do anything special; most nights were pretty boring, in fact. Carrick would attempt to teach me how to cook something, we'd smoke or play video games or paint, and then we would go to bed. 

One night in particular, he had brought his laptop into bed. After checking Facebook and Twitter, he decided to look up some photos of me. I'm not really sure what possessed him to do it. I guess he just liked torturing me.

“Dude, you were so tiny,” Carrick said, snickering. “Like, pocket-sized.”

I frowned, suspecting that he wasn't looking at brand new photos. A glance at his laptop screen showed that he was indeed looking at some promotional photos from Middle of Nowhere. With a groan, I said, “I was eleven. What do you expect?”

“I was taller than that when I was eleven...”

“You're a freaking giant! Not a fair comparison.” 

There wasn't anything fair _at all_ about Carrick's little foray into my past. I wasn't ashamed of it--well, most of it--but it still wasn't fun to watch my boyfriend giggle over how tiny I was. I was terrified of what he would say or do next, but I couldn't look away from his laptop. Somehow, he found his way to YouTube and landed on easily the most embarrassing video of all.

“No,” I managed to squeak out as the video loaded, revealing the three of us on a little stage in a mall, singing Boomerang.

“Oh... my... god...” Carrick said between laughs. “Oh yes.”

I could only growl in frustration with him, but he still wasn't deterred. He was watching the video with intense concentration, a huge grin taking over his entire face.

“Aww, cute widdle Zaccy!”

Since he wasn't going to stop, I figured I might as well join in. I leaned in a little closer and watched the video with him. “Shit, I wasn't even trying to sing along.”

“Did you seriously try to pick up your little brother?” Carrick laughed. “He's like half your size.”

“Have you seen him lately? Twice my size.”

“Yeah, well,” Carrick replied with a snort.

Luckily, the video wasn't that long, and soon my nightmare was over. Or so I thought.

“Ooh, Summertime Blues. I love this song.”

“No!” I lunged for the laptop, trying to pry it out of Carrick's grasp. I knew exactly what video he was talking about, and I did not want him to see it.

“Oh, come on,” Carrick said. “It can't be that bad.”

“No, it's worse,” I replied.

Carrick just smirked and yanked the laptop back. Obviously he wasn't going to let me have my way. I didn't feel like fighting over it, so I loosened my grip and let him take the laptop back.

He actually _giggled_ when he pressed play. I could do nothing but sit back and brace myself – both for how awful the video was and for how much worse Carrick's inevitable, gleeful reaction was going to be. It wasn't a long video, and I only had to wait a few seconds for Carrick's head bopping to stop. He cringed visibly, then looked at me and chuckled.

“Lemme guess... voice was changing?”

I nodded, narrowing my eyes at him. My voice had almost finished changing by the time we went back out on tour to promote our second album, but there were still a few really embarrassing moments. Luckily, most of them hadn't been caught on video. Except that one.

“Aww,” Carrick said, smirking and pinching my cheek. “Such a cutie.”

I frowned and tried to back away from him, but there was only so far I could go while we were both tucked under the covers.

He snorted. “Aww, poor baby.”

“I'm not a baby,” I replied, my eyes narrowing more. “Wasn't a baby then, either.”

“Course you are. You're my baby, aren't ya?”

I sighed and rolled my eyes. “Yeah, yeah... whatever.”

“Who's my widdle baby? Who's my widdle Zaccy?” Carrick asked, pinching my cheek again.

“Widdle?” I raised an eyebrow. He was really taking this making fun of me thing way too far, and I was running out of patience with him. It wasn't nearly as funny as he thought it was.

“Yeah? And?” He just snickered.

I grabbed his hand and placed it on my dick. I wasn't really hard, not yet, but I thought it still proved my point. “You sure about that?”

“Eh, can't argue with that,” Carrick replied with a smirk, gripping my dick lightly. “At least you grew in one direction.”

“You're really in no position to judge my manliness,” I said, snarling. I had intended to make some comment on the fucking _pink_ boxers he was wearing, but the joke got lost somewhere in the anger I felt bubbling up inside me.

“Oh yeah?” Carrick raised an eyebrow. “So I didn't totally have you bent over the kitchen table this morning? And the coffee table last night? And the bathroom sink yesterday afternoon?”

I growled. My anger won out over my embarrassment at talking about sexual stuff, and I replied, “And my cock wasn't down your throat every single time, too?”

“Sure was,” Carrick said, patting my head. “Such a good boy.”

I growled again and shoved his hand away. He was really tempting fate.

“Ooh, someone's feisty today... don't make me teach you a lesson.” He punctuated that with a wink, and my anger only flared more.

“You're not fucking funny, you know.”

“Really?” Carrick raised an eyebrow. “I think I'm hilarious.”

“I think you're a little bitch.”

Carrick's eyes widened. I loved finding ways to surprise him; if I hadn't been so angry, I definitely would have celebrated that little win. After a moment spent staring wide-eyed at me, he grabbed a fistful of my hair and smirked. “You wanna run that by me again, kid?”

“I said... you're. A. Little. Bitch.”

His fist tightened in my hair, yanking me toward him and crushing our lips together. I wasn't entirely sure why my anger had apparently turned him on, but I wasn't going to argue with it, either. I ran my fingernails down Carrick's back, biting down on his bottom lip. The way his back arched told me that he liked that, too.

I didn't really understand it, but it was turning me on, too. I pulled back to catch my breath, and Carrick didn't miss the chance to make yet another snarky comment.

“You don't think I'm so little when I'm ramming into your ass, do ya?”

I stared right into his eyes. “You're alright.”

Carrick's eyes narrowed and his grip on my hair tightened. With a low growl, he replied, “Oh, I'm more than alright, babe, and you know it.”

“You need to stop talking,” I replied.

I quickly decided that I wasn't going to give him a chance to disobey that order. I yanked my boxers down with one hand, and shoved Carrick's face into my lap with the other. It was a pretty well coordinated move; I was pleased both with myself for pulling it off and Carrick for letting me. His only reply was to moan around my dick as it filled his mouth.

“How's that for little, huh?”

He glanced up at me and smirked, giving me a little shrug. That wouldn't do. I growled at him and held his head down, thrusting my hips up and fucking his mouth. Carrick groaned, but let me get away with that, too, only dragging his teeth lightly in what I supposed was a tiny act of rebellion. I yanked his hair as a warning, and he only bit down harder.

I pulled him off my dick and growled, not really trusting myself to use words. This was all so new to me, and I was still angry, but I liked that he was letting me take that anger out on him this way. Even if I wasn't totally sure what I was doing.

Carrick smirked and licked his lips. “Not bad.”

“Yeah, I'll show you 'not bad,'” I replied.

“Oh yeah? What're you gonna do, pup?”

By that point, I couldn't even tell where my anger ended and my lust began. They were pretty much one and the same. The fact that Carrick was clearly enjoying pushing me around only fueled the fire for both emotions. With a growl, I said, “On your knees, Carrick.”

“Make. Me.” He smirked defiantly.

Well, that was just silly. He wasn't weak by any means, but we both knew I was stronger. I lifted him up like a rag doll and forced him into the position I wanted him in. I yanked his boxers down and pressed my body against his back, enjoying the way this new position felt and giving myself a moment to catch my breath.

“Fuck...” Carrick gasped out. I knew he didn't bottom very often, but he seemed to be enjoying this role reversal as much as I was.

“Now suck,” I said, pressing two fingers to his lips.

Even if I hadn't done this with Carrick before, or been really _dominant_ with anyone, I still had the general idea of what to do. Slightly to my surprise, Carrick complied, sucking my fingers into his mouth. A wave of pleasure flowed through my body – he was damn good with his tongue – but that ended the second he let his teeth scrape over my fingers. Normally, I wouldn't have minded, but I was supposed to be the one in control this time.

“No. Biting.” I punctuated the statement with a growl and a tug on his hair. Carrick growled, but pulled his teeth back. I patted his head. “Good boy.”

That only caused him to bite down again, and I smacked his ass in return. This wasn't so hard; I could totally dominate someone. Maybe not Carrick, since he really was such a little bitch, but the problem was him, not my wimpiness. At the smack, he groaned and bit down harder. With a growl, I pulled my fingers out of his mouth. 

“Alright, if you're gonna make this difficult,” I said.

“Ooh, I'm so fucking scared...”

I growled again, and slid both my fingers between his cheeks. “You probably should be...”

Carrick was shaking beneath me, and it made me tremble a bit, too. I knew I was probably going to hurt him, but he had all but asked for it. I didn't give him long to wonder what my next move would be. In one smooth motion, I shoved both fingers into him.

“FUCK!”

“God, you're tight,” I replied with a chuckle.

Carrick turned his head and snarled at me. It wasn't a look that really said _stop_. So I wasn't going to. I gave him a smirk and pulled my fingers almost all the way out, then thrust them back in even harder. 

His back arched. “Fuck... motherfucker...”

I slowly began thrusting my fingers; after all, I didn't want to really hurt him. Only kind of. Apparently, that wasn't good enough for Carrick.

“That all you got?” He asked through gritted teeth.

I raised an eyebrow, and increased my pace. “Sure you can take it? You're awfully tight...”

“I can take anything you can dish out, sweetheart,” he replied through a moan.

“We'll see about that,” I growled. I pulled back just enough to slip a third finger in. It wasn't easy; Carrick really was tight. That wasn't exactly a surprise, though, but it was, well... really hot. It was a surprisingly big turn on to realize that he was letting me do something to him that few other guys had. 

“Fuck!” Carrick gasped out. “You fucker... come on...”

I stared at him in disbelief for a second. He was still asking for more? Well, if that's what he wanted, who was I to argue? I thrust my fingers harder, taking a sadistic sort of pleasure in the way it made Carrick scream. I gave my fingers a little twist, hoping to pull another scream from him.

“FUCK!”

“I'm sorry, didn't quite catch that,” I replied, twisting my fingers again. 

Carrick glanced over his shoulder at me, his face painted with rage. It didn't even give me a second's pause, though. I was too turned on, too caught up in how good it felt to _dominate_ him to even be scared. With a loud growl, he asked, “You gonna fuck me or what?”

“Thought you'd never ask.”

I pulled my fingers out quickly and lined myself up. In one quick, hard thrust, I was in him. Carrick screamed out, and I didn't even stop to make sure he was okay. If he wasn't, I was sure he would tell me. I grasped his hips and pulled him back against me, thrusting into him hard at the same time.

“More,” Carrick moaned, locking eyes with me.

Again, who was I to deny him? I shoved his face down into the mattress and drilled into him even harder. Unless and until he complained, I was going to pour every ounce of my strength into it. Beneath me, Carrick clawed at the sheets.

“Fuck yeah. Harder.”

I had to close my eyes to keep focused and not lose my cool. With one hand, I held his face down, and with the other, I grasped his hip, my fingernails digging into his skin. Once I found the perfect rhythm, hard and fast, I opened my eyes again and saw Carrick stroking himself desperately.

“Fuck yeah, Zac...”

“Not so little now, am I?” I asked, punctuating each word with a thrust.

“Not bad,” he replied breathlessly, his tone of voice betraying him just a little bit.

The only reply I gave him was a snarl. I pounded into him even harder, raking my nails down his back. It was rare for Carrick to be quiet during sex, and while I was learning to enjoy the dirty talk, in that moment, I loved the silence. It seemed to heighten every sensation. Carrick must have felt the same way. His back arched so that he was almost kneeling straight up. I wrapped my arm around his waist, pulling him flush against my body and biting down on his neck.

“Fuck!” He reached a hand back to grip my hair. So much for him being quiet.

I moaned, and that prompted him to yank on my hair. It didn't matter that I liked that; this wasn't about him causing me a little pain, not this time. With a growl, I pulled his hand out of my hair.

He turned his head and smirked. “Thought you liked it when I petted you?”

“Shut. Up.”

“Make. Me.”

I thrust harder, drawing more loud moans from Carrick. But technically, that was still a sound. He hadn't shut up like I told him. Gripping his hair tightly, I shoved his face against the mattress and held him there. He growling, but didn't fight back, instead just wrapping his hand around his dick and stroking quickly. The sight of him like that was... fucking hot, actually.

“Fuck... Carrick...” I growled.

“That's... the idea...”

Of course he couldn't stay quiet for long, but I was too far gone to care. I sped up my thrusts again, losing myself in the way he felt. I would never get tired of the way it felt to get fucked by Carrick, but I had a feeling I could get used to this, too. 

“Fuck, babe... close...” he gasped out.

I let out a low growl. “Yeah?”

Carrick nodded. “Fuck yeah.”

“Gonna come for me?” I asked. For once, I didn't even feel myself blushing at the sound of something that dirty leaving my mouth.

“Fuck yeah I'll come for you,” Carrick replied. He stroked himself faster, moaning loudly, and the site and sound of it pushed me closer to the edge.

“Shit...” I moaned. “I'm gonna fill you up.”

“Yeah, you fucking better.”

I grasped Carrick's hips and pulled him back against me. My motions were so rough that I was almost hurting myself; Carrick had to be in pain, but maybe he liked it. I hoped he did. 

“Fuck, Zac! Yeah!” His normal eloquence was completely gone, and he thrust back against me shamelessly. I moaned in reply and he added, “Come on, Zac. Give it to me.”

I couldn't take it. I wanted it to last forever, but I knew it was only going to last a few more seconds. I dug my fingernails into Carrick's hips and held him against me, giving a few last painfully hard thrusts. My entire body was shaking by the last thrust, all sense of rhythm or control gone as I shot my load into him.

“Fuck...” Carrick gasped out.

I let out a moan, still holding Carrick against my body. “Yeah...”

Seconds later, Carrick let out a loud growl, calling out my name as his orgasm hit him. I watched him explode into his hand, then finally pulled out of him and collapsed onto the bed. Carrick collapsed next to me and patted my thigh.

“Atta boy, Zac. Knew you had it in you.”

I blinked, taking in the smirk on his face. “I... what...”

“You think I don't know exactly what buttons to push, babe?” Carrick grinned.

“You.. you mean...” I stuttered out, the meaning of his words slowly sinking in. “You. Bastard.”

“Yeah, yeah...” He just nodded and stretched, looking absolutely smug. I didn't know whether to punch him or kiss him. With a wink, he added, “You love me.”

I rolled my eyes. “And I was about to apologize for hurting you...”

“Oh, babe,” Carrick replied, laughing. “Trust me. You didn't even come close.”

“Guess I'll have to try harder next time...”

He smirked. “You saying there's gonna be a next time?”

“I... I think there could be,” I replied. I could feel myself blushing; my usual shyness about sex had only left me temporarily, it seemed.

Carrick just grinned again and ruffled my hair. 

“That was... different,” I said. I could think of a million different ways to describe it, but none of them really did it justice.

“Yeah? Good different?”

I nodded. “Yeah. I think so.”

Wordlessly, Carrick wrapped an arm around me. He still looked so self-satisfied that I wanted to punch him, but I couldn't really be mad at him. 

“You know, I would have fucked you without you having to make me angry first...”

Carrick laughed. “But where's the fun in that?”

“You really are horrible,” I replied.

He smirked, and placed a soft kiss to my temple. “You wouldn't have me any other way and you know it.”

“Yeah, I guess,” I admitted with a chuckle.

He placed another kiss to my cheek. “You guess?”

“I'm just a little... confused,” I admitted.

“About what?” He asked, pulling back.

“You made me angry on purpose so I would... do that?”

“I didn't mean to make you angry. I just wanted to push you a bit,” he said, his lips falling into the slightest of pouts. “I'm sorry, Zac. I won't do it again.”

“I didn't...” I began, losing my train of thought in his eyes and the way he touched my cheek. “I mean, I'm not saying I don't wanna do that again...”

“Zac... you can talk to me, you know. It's okay to be honest.”

“I know.” I nodded. “I've never really... like, taken control like that before.”

Carrick nodded. That wasn't new information for him, I knew. I had told him a lot about how Taylor and I were together--more than I should have, probably, considering how perverted he was. The conversation nearly always devolved into jokes that weren't really jokes about threesomes. But Carrick knew I wasn't really that kinky... at least, I didn't think I was. I was starting to reconsider that, though.

“Didn't really know I wanted to...” I admitted. 

Carrick smirked. “Yeah, I had a feeling you'd never actually try it unless I pushed.”

“You're lucky I fucked you instead of punching you,” I replied with a smirk of my own. “Could have gone either way.”

“A risk I was willing to take.”

“How did you know that I would... enjoy it?”

Carrick's smirk turned into one of his rare sincere smiles. “If you didn't, I would have stopped you.”

“Yeah?” I didn't really doubt him, but I just wanted him to keep being sincere and kind of sweet.

He nodded and stroked my cheek. His voice soft, he said, “I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that, right?”

“Of course I know that...” I replied. It was funny; I had been worried about hurting him, at least physically. But there he was talking about hurting me. I understood what he meant, though.

“Are you happy, Zac? With me, I mean.”

“Yeah, I am,” I replied with a nod. And I was, but the strange, low tone my voice took on made it sound like I doubted myself far more than I really did.

“I hope so,” Carrick said, stroking my hair. “All I want is for you to be happy. No matter what it takes.”

I sighed. This was getting a lot deeper and more emotional that I really felt up to handling after sex like that. “I know, Carrick.”

“I'm really glad to be here,” he said, smiling. “It means a lot to me that you actually want to be with me.”

“I do wanna be with you,” I replied, trying to smile and wishing I sounded more sure of myself.

Carrick returned my smile, but sighed. “I know... and I know how hard it is for you to admit that.”

I nodded and glanced away. As always, he could see right through me.

“Hey,” Carrick said, gently turning my face so that I was looking at him again. “I know you still love him. I would never ask you to ignore those feelings. And you call the shots here.”

“Yeah...” I replied softly, nodding.

“If you ever decide you can't do this, I want you to know that I'll still be here.” He gave me a quick kiss. “No hard feelings.”

He smirked a little at that, and I rolled my eyes. “Everything's an innuendo with you, isn't it?”

“Actually, I was being sincere,” he replied with an eye roll of his own.

“Yeah, I know,” I replied, giving him a little smirk. “Which is weird, but I kinda like it. And... I really appreciate that. What you said about still being here.”

Carrick gave me that sincere smile again. “I care about you way too much to want to leave. You know me... friends, boyfriends, lovers – it's all good. I'm just happy to have you in my life.”

“I'm glad I have you, too,” I replied. And for once, I sounded like I meant it.


	19. Chapter 19

**Zac**

I woke up to the feeling of someone kissing me. It was gentle, but even half-asleep I knew it was Carrick. His arms were wrapped tightly around me and it was pretty much the most comfortable thing ever. I nuzzled closer to him, wishing I could just stay there, in that bed with him, all day. Carrick kissed me again, gently rubbing my back.

“It's early...” I mumbled against the side of his face.

He chuckled. “Not that early, babe.”

I opened one eye and glanced over Carrick's shoulder at the clock. “Ten. Early.”

“Well, no one said we had to get up.” Carrick chuckled and pulled me a little closer. I was pretty sure I could feel a little something poking me, but I wiggled against him just to be sure.

“You already are, though.”

“What can I say,” he replied, smirking and reaching down to give my ass a squeeze. “You're nice to wake up to.”

“You really don't have an off switch, do you?”

“You're one to talk,” Carrick said, nibbling on my ear. “How many times did we go last night?”

I blushed. “I wasn't really counting.”

He bit down a little harder. “Four, I think... or was it five?”

“Something like that,” I replied with a whimper.

Carrick's lips moved down to my neck, nipping at the flesh there. “A new record for us, isn't it?”

I nodded. “I think so.”

Carrick slid his hand around to my front, grabbing the hard-on that I hadn't had until he started nibbling on my ear like that. He leaned in to my ear and whispered, “Wanna break it?”

I couldn't even manage a reply that consisted of actual words, only a moan and a nod. But that was enough. Carrick leaned in and kissed me, his hand still moving on my cock. I let out another desperate moan and thrust into his hand. Carrick was just as eager, it seemed. He rolled me over onto my back and straddled me, kissing my neck.

“Mmm... someone's a morning person...”

“Well, when I get to have you for breakfast...” Carrick punctuated the statement by biting down on my neck.

I laughed out loud. It still felt a little strange to laugh during sex, but that was just Carrick. Not everything was a joke with him, but he could always see the humor in things; it was a quality I had nearly lost before him. As I laughed, he kissed lower down my neck and chest, his hand still stroking me slowly.

“Mmm, Carrick...” I muttered, rolling my hips upward.

He glanced up at me. “I love the way you say my name, babe...”

I couldn't help blushing a little – something about the intensity of his stare and the way he called me “babe” just got to me. In an instant, though, he was back to work, trailing kisses down my stomach, then sliding his hand away and taking my full length into his mouth at once. The whole time, his eyes never left mine.

“Fuck...” I gasped out, struggling to meet his stare. Carrick had very nearly worn down my reserve, but I still had moments of shyness. I thought back to our first time together and grinned. “I'm not the only one who can take it, am I?”

Carrick raised an eyebrow, but didn't reply. Instead, he pressed two fingers into me all at once. I moaned loudly and gasped out his name; it didn't really hurt, but it took me just a little bit by surprise. Carrick moaned around me, bobbing his head, and matching that rhythm with his fingers. His other hand rested gently on my hip, a bit of an odd contrast to everything else he was doing. 

“God... so good, baby...” I moaned.

Carrick's eyes widened and he pulled back, smiling. It took me a second to realize what I had done. I never called Carrick “baby.” That pet name was reserved for someone else. Carrick wasn't replacing Taylor, though, but I supposed there was no law that they couldn't both be my baby. Blushing a little, I returned Carrick's smile.

“'Kay...” He smiled, and went down on me again. I guess he liked it, too. I thought I could even see a faint blush on his cheeks.

I ran my fingers gently through his hair, brushing it back just enough to see that, yeah, he really was blushing. Carrick glanced up at me and arched an eyebrow, pressing a third finger into me. So much for a sweet, gentle moment. I couldn't help myself, I pressed back against his finger, urging it deeper inside of me. Carrick complied, moaning a little as he pushed it in the rest of the way.

“Yes... fuck, Carrick...” I growled.

Carrick twisted his hand, his smirk visible even though his mouth was still full of my cock. I cried out, and he only gave a harder twist, dragging his teeth down my length. 

I growled again. “Shit...”

Yeah, the tenderness was definitely gone. Carrick pulled his fingers out and let me fall from his mouth, then climbed back up my body quickly. He kissed me while he lined himself up, and I felt myself trembling a little. I was ready, physically, but that little bit of anticipation was enough to drive me crazy.

“Baby, huh?” Carrick asked breathlessly, pressing his dick against me.

I grinned. “Got a problem with it?”

“Not at all,” he replied, smiling.

“Good.”

Satisfied with my reply, I suppose, Carrick slid into me, letting out a loud moan as he did. I let out a gasp and a few curses; no matter how ready I was, the first thrust always hurt a little, but in the best possible way. Carrick stared directly into my eyes, smiling as he began to thrust.

I stared back at him and let out a moan. “Mmm... fuck, baby.”

His smile widened. “Yeah, I think I like that...”

“Good,” I replied, returning his smile.

Once again, the sweet, tender moment was short lived. Carrick sneered at me – playfully, but still a sneer – and thrust a bit harder. I raised an eyebrow, just a little surprised at Carrick's... enthusiasm... considering that he really wasn't a morning person either. He gave a low growl that sent a shiver through my entire body.

“Fuck... that's hot.”

Carrick gave an even louder growl and thrust into me harder.

“Oh god... baby...” I whimpered.

Carrick shook above me. “Fuck, Zac...”

“Yeah, baby?” I asked, smirking a bit. I had to wonder if it wasn't the pet name having such an effect on him. He didn't answer me, but his smirk said it all. 

He leaned down and bit my neck hard, as though it was some sort of punishment. Of course it wasn't, though. I knew he loved being called baby, and he knew I loved when he was rough with me. I let out a little whimper and he lapped at the spot he had just bit. I was so focused on the way that felt that I almost didn't notice his hand slipping between us to jerk me off.

I let out a loud moan. “God, Carrick...”

“Yeah, babe?”

“So... good...” I managed to say, panting hard.

Carrick nodded and leaned down to kiss me. I could feel him shaking again, and he broke the kiss to say, “Getting close, babe...”

“Me too,” I replied.

That was Carrick's hint to kick things into overdrive, I guess. He sat up and grabbed my hips with both hands, pulling me onto him harder. Carrick gasped out, “Oh fuck, Zac...”

“Fuck, baby,” I cried out. I reached down to stroke myself quickly, knowing I was already dangerously close to the edge. “God... fuck...”

“Fuck,” Carrick said, locking eyes with me and speeding up his thrusts. “Coming.”

“Come inside me, baby,” I moaned. It wasn't really necessary to say, since he nearly always did, but I knew adding in the pet name would most likely push him over the edge.

Carrick gave me a nod and did as I asked. He shuddered as he filled me up, calling out my name. The sight of it was what exactly I needed, and I let out a moan as I came all over my hand and both of our stomachs. 

After a moment, he pulled out and collapsed next to me, breathless but laughing. “Hell of a way to wake up.”

I laughed. “Beats waking and baking, that's for sure.”

“I knew we forgot something...” He smirked.

I chuckled. In the past two months with Carrick, I was pretty sure I had smoked more weed and had more sex than ever before in my life. It was fun to just be carefree like that, even though I was sure that some people thought I was just hiding from reality. I was kind of okay with that, at least for a while. Carrick lunged for the nightstand, and I assumed he had decided on a belated wake and bake, but instead he reached me a few tissues.

“Thanks,” I replied, hating the way I still blushed a little about the whole cleaning up part of things.

Carrick didn't notice, of course. He cleaned himself up, then pulled his briefs on and curled up next to me. With a contented sigh, I wrapped an arm around him. He placed a soft kiss to my temple.

“Best way to wake up I can think of...”

“Yeah...” I replied with a little nod. A sudden, and very unwanted, memory of a conversation with Taylor crossed my mind. Try as I might, I couldn't get the thought to leave and it was threatening to ruin a really nice morning.

Carrick glanced down at me, a sad smile on his face. “What are you thinking?”

“Doesn't matter,” I replied, trying to return his smile but failing. 

“Hey...” He pouted. “Of course it matters.”

I sighed. “It's just... stupid shit.”

“It's not stupid,” Carrick replied softly.

“You don't know that.”

“Yeah. I do.” He stared at me sadly, and I hated that I was still holding things back from him. I knew I needed to talk, but it was difficult, especially when the topic was Taylor.

I sighed and closed my eyes. Carrick stroked my hair softly and I finally let myself speak. “It's just... me and Taylor used to talk about waking up next to each other. And how... amazing it would be.”

“Yeah...” Carrick said softly, a hint of sadness in his voice. “Nothing like waking up next to someone you love.”

“Yeah,” I replied, giving him what I knew was a pathetically weak smile.

Carrick returned my smile in kind, his tinged with an obvious sadness. “I'm sorry I'm not him.”

“Carrick... don't say that.”

He shook his head. “It's fine. I know.”

I stared into his eyes, struck by a sudden realization. Or maybe it wasn't so sudden, but I was just finally ready to admit it. I just knew I had to say it. “It _is_ amazing to wake up next to someone you love.”

Carrick stared into my eyes for a moment, as though he were searching for something, then glanced away, nibbling on his lip. After a moment, he sighed and said, “Yeah...”

“I didn't realize how amazing... until just now.”

I could see Carrick actually holding his breath, as though he wasn't sure this was really happening. Finally, he exhaled. “Zac...”

“I...” I stuttered out, touching his cheek.

Carrick reached a hand out and mirrored the gesture, his hand a little rough and calloused against my cheek. “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

His eyes widen and I could see both sadness and happiness in them. Softly, he replied, “I... love you, too.”

I nodded; his reply hadn't exactly taken me by surprise. Carrick stroked my cheek and finally gave me a genuine smile, which I returned. “That was... easier to say than I expected,” I admitted.

Carrick gave a little smirk, but didn't speak.

“And I mean it, you know.”

He glanced down for a second. “I know...”

“Good,” I replied. Something about the way Carrick was acting bothered me, but I couldn't figure out why or what the problem was. I hated to admit it, but telling him that hadn't really fixed everything for me either. He gave me a little kiss and I plastered on a smile, which he immediately saw through.

“What's wrong, babe?”

“Just my stupid brain.”

Carrick tilted his head and I sighed. As always, he wasn't going to let me get away with not explaining myself.

“I really want to just... be happy,” I admitted.

Carrick pouted. “But you're not.”

“Not entirely,” I said, immediately realizing how bad that sounded. “You do make me so happy, though. You really do.”

Carrick gave me a knowing look, his eyes full of sadness. “But not enough.”

“I'm so sorry...” I said, sighing. This wasn't how this conversation was supposed to go. I _did_ love Carrick and I loved having him in my life; he needed to know that. It wasn't a competition between him and Taylor.

He gave me another sad smile. “I don't have any regrets, Zac. None.”

“Carrick...” I said, pouting. “I didn't mean...”

“It's ok.” He smiled. “I knew this was coming eventually.”

“Carrick, no. Do you think I'm breaking up with you?” 

This was really, really not going the way I planned. I was trying to reassure him, trying to make him understand just how much he meant to me. And he thought I was ending it? I didn't understand how he could have gotten that idea. 

“No,” Carrick said, shaking his head. “I know you're not.”

He gave me a gentle kiss and I could only stare at him blankly. If he didn't think I was breaking up with him, then what _did_ he think?

“I'm letting you go,” he whispered against me lips.

“Carrick...” I whispered back, not trusting myself to speak any louder than that.

“Shh... it's okay,” he said, stroking my cheek. “I love you. And I always will.”

I could feel tears welling up in my eyes and I made no attempt to hide them. “I... I love you, too...”

“I know,” Carrick replied, smiling. With a sigh, he pulled away from me and sat up. “I'm still your friend, Zac. Maybe with occasional benefits.”

I sat up and pulled my knees to my chest, pouting. I didn't care if Carrick thought I looked pathetic and childish; he could make fun of me all he wanted. I had finally admitted how I felt and, despite returning those feelings, he was leaving? I couldn't make sense of it and I didn't want to.

“Zac... you married the first woman you loved. Look how that turned out. At least now... you've given yourself a chance. A chance to see what else is out there.”

Okay, that kind of made sense. But that didn't mean I enjoyed hearing it. Yeah, I had seen what was out there, and I liked it – no, loved it – a lot more than I expected to. And I wasn't ready to give it up. I loved Taylor, but there was no guarantee that just because Carrick was gone he would take me back. 

“And you still love him more,” Carrick added, giving me a smile. “That's how you know it's real.”

I glanced away, a few tears escaping my eyes. Truth be told, I wasn't really sure anymore that he was right, but he probably was. “Am I that obvious?”

Carrick smirked. “You know I'm right. You needed this, Zac.”

I sighed. “Can you stop being right all the time? It's getting old.”

“Yeah, yeah,” he replied with a smirk, then gave me a pointed look. “You love it.”

“Yeah, whatever.” I pouted. I knew it was just a joke, but it felt like he was throwing my words back at me. Yeah, I did love it. I loved _him_.

While I was busy throwing my pity party, Carrick stood up and grabbed a pair of jeans from the floor, wiggling into them without bothering to put on underwear first. He glanced up at me while he fiddled with the button. “It'll be alright, Zac.”

“I really hope you're right...”

“Aren't I always?” He grinned. That time, I didn't mind so much that he was, yet again, throwing my words back at me.

“Yeah...” I replied.

“Well then?” He asked, pulling on a shirt he had also found in the floor.

I didn't answer. Instead, I stood up and fumbled around in the floor for a pair of my own jeans. After I had found them and put them on, I looked back at Carrick. I answered his question with a question of my own. “So what now?”

“Now...” he said, walking over to me. “You go talk to Taylor.”

“But I don't wanna...” I pouted and stomped my feet, perfectly content to be childish and silly. 

Carrick smirked. “Tough.”

“Ugh, fine,” I replied, still pouting.

Despite my silliness, Carrick's smirk fell. He stared into my eyes in that weird, unnerving way he had about him when he was actually serious. “Thank you, Zac.”

“No. Thank you.” I forced a weak smile so he would know I meant it. “You are amazing.”

I probably would have said even more about just how amazing he was, but Carrick didn't give me the chance. He grabbed me and pulled me in for a kiss, and it seemed like he was pouring every ounce of his emotions into it. I did the same, and though I never wanted that kiss to end, ultimately I knew it had to. I pulled back and stared at Carrick.

“That... is not making it any easier to go talk to Taylor.”

He smirked. “Just let me know if that threesome thing is a possibility.”

“Carrick!” I gasped out. He laughed and I gave him a playful shove. “We gotta find your off switch.”

He didn't reply to that at all. Instead, he just began gathering up his belongings which were strewn all around the room. Knowing that the conversation was over and his decision already made, I shuffled into the bathroom, brushed my teeth and tied my hair back into a ponytail. I didn't look great; hell, I didn't even look _good_. But I didn't really care. Taylor had pretty much seen me at my worst, and I didn't really anticipate that much would come from going to see him right then. It seemed pointless to put much effort into my appearance for yet another argument.

By the time I walked back into my bedroom, Carrick appeared to have already finished packing. With his bag and guitar slung over his shoulder, he leaned against the doorway and gave me a smile.

“See ya round, babe.”

“Bye, Carrick,” I replied, matching his smile with a frown.

Carrick glanced away for a moment, chewing nervously on his lip. Was he reconsidering leaving? I figured it was a bit too much to cross my fingers and hope, but inside, I was desperately hoping he would change his mind and set his bags back down. But he didn't. 

“Bye, Zac.”

With that, he turned and left just as he had come--unexpectedly and maybe at exactly the right time. I didn't see it that way, but Carrick seemed certain. And as always, I trusted him to know what was right.


	20. Chapter 20

**Taylor**

Most people look forward to days off; they dream of what they'll do when they don't have to do anything. But not me. I'm a self-proclaimed workaholic, and since the air of finality had descended on my marriage, I poured even more of myself into the music and the business. So when I woke up to a text message from Zac asking me to meet him at the studio, I was almost relieved; almost, except for the twinge of hurt I felt every time I had to be around him.

Still, it was better than sitting in an empty house; Natalie had taken the kids to her mom's for a week, one last visit before the back-to-school rush. I took my time getting ready, giving in to the dark thoughts swirling in my brain for only as long as it took to shower and dress. I felt it was better to purge all the negative energy before I had to face him; some days were easier than others, but I hadn't slept well the night before.

The drive was faster than I would've liked, though, and soon enough I was punching in the security code at the front door. I heard the sound of my piano being played, and followed it quietly; Zac was sitting hunched over, his hair hanging around his shoulders, hiding his face from view. I took a moment just to watch him, the way his fingers touched the keys so delicately, like he was afraid to hurt them. I could've watched him all day, but that wouldn't do my sanity any favors.

"Hey."

"Shit!" Zac cursed, jumping and turning to face me. "Hey."

"Sorry, didn't mean to spook you," I laughed lightly.

"It's fine." Something about Zac looked off, but I couldn't put my finger on what exactly. He turned back to the keys, playing a few stray notes. I watched him for another minute, rocking on my heels.

"So is Ike coming?"

"Didn't text him," Zac replied, shaking his head. So he'd wanted to work with me alone; I was torn between a feeling of pride and unease. I looked away to hide my mixed emotions, but Zac wasn't looking anyway.

"Oh... okay."

"Is that okay? Just... us?" There was something in Zac's voice; he was probably as uncomfortable with the situation as I was, but I had to stay professional.

"Yeah, that's fine." I gave him a nod, and tried to smile; he returned it with matching emphasis, which wasn't much. There was something in his eyes that didn't feel right; I wanted to know what was wrong, but it wasn't my place, not anymore.

"So," I started, clearing my throat. "What did you want to work on?"

"Whatever," Zac answered with a shrug. I raised an eyebrow; it had been his idea to come in today, hadn't it?

"So you called me here to work on something, but you don't know what?"

"Pretty much."

"Okay," I said after a second; I continued to watch him, smirking slightly. I'd stopped trying to understand my brother's motivations years ago; now I just looked on with amusement and wonder. I looked around awkwardly, needing to do something, but Zac just played on as if I wasn't even there. I smiled and took a step closer as I listened to the tune; it was slow and weaving, and a touch melancholy.

"Pretty." I cringed at the word, so simple and inarticulate, but Zac's music tended to do that to me; honestly, _Zac_ tended to do that to me.

"I was just playing," Zac shrugged. "It's nothing in particular."

"It's nice. Kind of melancholy, but nice."

"Yeah..." Zac smiled weakly, but when he glanced up at me, his eyes held so much uncertainty and... sadness? I had to look away before I said or did something I would regret.

"Have you heard from Kate lately?" I asked; I knew it was probably a sore subject, but I was genuinely curious if the cunt had bothered to let Zac know where his kids were.

"Not a word." 

I looked down at Zac sadly; his kids were his whole world, and I couldn't even imagine how horrible it must have felt not seeing them for so long.

"It's fine," he went on, trying to smile reassuringly; I wondered which one of us he was trying to convince. I nodded slowly, looking away.

"How's C... Carrick?" It felt so wrong to dislike saying his name; he was still my friend, too, as far as I knew. Zac hit a sour note, and I looked over, but he recovered before I could ask what was wrong.

"He's... fine."

"That's... good." I tried to smile, but I could feel how wrong it probably looked. 

"I'm..." I wanted to be happy for him; I was trying so hard. I saw how much he'd grown as a person in the past couple months; it was obvious how good for him Carrick was. And yet... I turned away quickly, before Zac could see what I was sure was written all over my face. I walked over to the keyboard and settled behind it, picking at the keys and harmonizing with the melody Zac had started. He smiled at me, a little uneasy but not as bad as before, and we played for a few minutes.

"How are you? And Natalie?" Zac asked, and my hands paused; it was a fair question, but it wasn't something I liked thinking about, let alone talking about. "Sorry. It's just... we haven't talked much lately, Tay." 

"It's fine. We, uh... We're starting the paperwork."

"Oh. That's... that's good?"

"Yeah," I answered, smiling sadly. "It is."

"Do you know if... Has she talked to Kate?"

I looked over at Zac; I wanted so badly to give him good news, to tell him his children were coming home. I didn't want to cause him any more pain, but I couldn't lie to him, either.

"Not in a while."

"Oh. I just figured..." 

"I know." I stared down at the keys again, as if they could give me the answers I needed. "I'm sure they're fine. Probably with the in-laws." I went back to playing, trying to block out all the bad feelings surrounding me. The guilt, the helplessness, the emptiness; I wanted to escape it all, and music was the only way I knew how. I lost myself in the tune, trying to bring it out of its melancholy depths, but instead following it to even colder places.

I didn't know how much time passed, but eventually I realized I was the only one playing; I blushed as I looked sheepishly at Zac.

"Oops?" he said teasingly, and started playing again.

"So what else is new?" I had to get my mind out of the dark place it seemed to keep going to, or Zac would notice.

"N-nothing..." Zac's falter drew my attention immediately; between that and the look in his eyes all morning, I was starting to really worry. Had something happened? Wasn't Carrick taking care of him?

"Zac?"

"Yeah?" He was still staring at the keys, even though he'd stopped playing again.

"Everything alright?"

"Yeah..." He tried to fake a smile, but it didn't last, his entire expression falling. "No," he finally whispered. My own mouth curled into a frown as I made my way over, hesitating before sitting next to him.

"What's wrong, Zac?" My tone was soft, mostly to hide any emotions I feared would seep through. Zac shrugged, hesitating before answering.

"Carrick... He, uh... he left."

My eyes widened as his words sunk in. Carrick had left? Why? How could he?

"Oh. Um, what happened?"

"Nothing, really... I mean, he couldn't stay here forever, could he?" It was typical of Zac to try to make a joke in a bad situation, but I could tell he knew it wasn't working this time.

"Zac. Did he leave, or did he... _leave_?"

"He left," Zac whispered. "He left me."

"Zac..." I bit my lip, pouting; how could Carrick do that to him? After all they'd been through? How could he hurt him like that?

"Kinda getting tired of men doing that, to be honest." Zac smirked weakly, but I felt as if I'd been punched in the gut, actually cringing in physical pain.

"Sorry," he sighed, but I supposed I deserved it. I shook my head, swallowing down the feeling of nausea.

"But what happened? I mean, I thought... I thought things were..."

"They were," Zac replied. I had to look away, partly in shame, partly in fear. "Things were good. I was happy. It just... wasn't enough, I guess," Zac finished weakly, and suddenly, my pain and confusion shifted to anger.

"He... he said that?"

"No." Zac sighed at my confused look, before going on. "He just knew that... that I wasn't as happy as I could be."

"But how... oh." My eyes widened slowly, realization setting in. Carrick had broken up with Zac... because he wasn't me. Not that Carrick knew it was _me_ exactly; at least I hoped not. But still... Zac winced, looking down; everything made sense suddenly, and I felt myself shaking a bit as I bit my lip nervously.

"Zac?" 

"Yeah?" Zac answered quietly, barely above a whisper, without looking up. He was hiding behind the curtain of his hair, something he'd been guilty of for years. The question sat at the tip of my tongue, tasting bitter as ash; I didn't want to ask, but I had to know. I had to know if it had been worth it; the tears, the nightmares, the ever-present emptiness. I had to know if all the pain I'd put both of us through had been for good reason.

"Were you... happy... at all? With him?"

 

**Zac**

That was the question, wasn't it? It seemed simple enough on the surface, but it was something I had struggled with not just that morning, but for the entire two months of my relationship with Carrick. Even if it was difficult, I wanted to give Taylor the most honest answer possible. 

“Yeah, I was,” I replied with a nod, “but it wasn't enough.”

Taylor bit his lip nervously, reminding me a little of Carrick. I wasn't sure if he was biting back another question or comment, or just waiting to see if I would say more.

“He still wasn't you.”

Taylor took a sharp breath. I wasn't sure if he was hurt or surprised or what. Of course Carrick wasn't him; even if I had just compared their mannerisms in my brain, they weren't really anything alike at all. Carrick, for example, was not a crier. But Taylor was. Tears were welling up in his eyes and I wanted desperately to touch him, to comfort him in some way. I lifted my hand, then thought better of it, and let it fall back to my lap.

His eyes followed my hand and he began to shake a little. Licking his lips, he finally said, “Z-Zac, I...”

“Yeah?” Even I could hear the hope in my voice. 

Taylor stared into my eyes, shaking a little more as each second passed. His breathing grew shallow and his eyes darted away from me. He swallowed hard. “I...”

“Yeah?” I asked, scooting a little closer to him. I didn't want to push him; I just wanted him to know that whatever he was going to say, I could handle it. Probably. 

He closed his eyes and took a deep, shaky breath. 

“Taylor...” I said softly.

“Zac...” A tear few down his cheek and he bit his lip hard, obviously trying to keep himself from talking.

I couldn't help myself. I reached up and gently wiped the tear away. His eyes were still closed, so in spite of my gentleness, the touch still made him jump a little. “Sorry...”

He finally opened his eyes and met my stare. I wasn't sure what he saw reflected in my eyes--probably a lot of love and a little nervousness, because that's what I felt. In Taylor's eyes, I mostly saw terror, but there was definitely something lurking below the surface.

“Zac, I... I c-can't...”

“You... oh.” My own eyes began to fill with tears as his meaning washed over me.

Taylor's eyes fell closed again, his body shaking like a leaf. “I... I'm... I'm s-scared.”

Another tear fell from his eye and I didn't hesitate to wipe it away. “Me too.”

“I... I t-tried...” More tears fell as he stuttered out those few words. He swallowed hard, trying but mostly failing to regain some control over himself.

He had to know it was okay. I had to show him that he could talk to me. I rubbed his shoulders, applying just a little pressure in the hopes of steadying him. It helped a little. “What, Tay?”

“I tried to be... happy...” He finally said, leaning into my touch almost instinctively. “For you.”

I blinked. Taylor glanced down and I took a second to digest his words. Softly, I asked, “How'd that work for you?”

He closed his eyes again as more tears fell, and shook his head. I couldn't help myself. I pulled him close to me, holding him firmly but loosely enough that he could pull away if he wanted. I was more than a little afraid that even something as seemingly innocent as hug was going too far. He tensed at first, and I was sure he was going to pull away, but he didn't. Instead, he leaned his head onto my shoulder. I couldn't resist the urge to run my fingers through his hair, and as I did, he began to cry.

“Taylor...” I said softly.

“I couldn't...” He began, wrapping his arms around me and crying into my shoulder. “I tried so hard, but I just couldn't...”

“I know, b--Tay,” I said, hoping Taylor would miss that little slip-up.

He pulled back and looked into my eyes, and I knew that he hadn't. I bit my lip as I stared back at him, afraid that nearly calling him baby was definitely crossing the line. Taylor raised a shaky hand, hesitantly a little before finally pressing it to my cheek. I leaned into the touch, wanting him to know it was okay. Still, he began to pull away almost immediately.

“But... but we can't...”

“Why not?” I asked. Taylor stuttered, but didn't really reply. I grabbed his hand and held it firmly to my cheek. “Taylor.”

He blinked and stared at me for moment. If he was searching for proof that I loved him, then surely he would find it. If he was searching for some reassurance that it was okay to be with me again, I could only hope that he would find that, too.

“Taylor, please...” I said, practically begging. His lip quivered like he was either going to cry or say something else, but I didn't give him the chance. “I tried to be happy without you, Tay. And I was happy, but I still woke up next to him wishing he was you.”

Taylor's eyes widened a little, like it was some sort of revelation that I still loved him. Was it? I knew I had thrown myself into the relationship with Carrick pretty quickly, but I thought surely Taylor knew that he was still on my mind all the time.

“Remember how we talked about waking up together?”

Taylor pouted sadly and nodded.

“I want that.”

“I...” he stuttered out.

“Please, Tay.”

He bit his lip as another tear fell. Without thinking, I leaned in and kissed the tear away. Taylor gasped and I pulled back.

“I'm... I'm sorry,” I said, my eyes widening in fear of Taylor's reaction.

He blinked and tilted his head slightly. To my surprise, I could see some of the fear disappear from his eyes. 

“What?” I asked. His cheeks turned a bit pink, confusing me even more. “Tay...”

Taylor brushed his fingers against my cheek so gently that he was barely touching me at all. It still made me tremble, but I smiled, too. Taylor gave me the tiniest smile I'd ever seen.

“I miss seeing you smile, Tay.”

His blush deepened, but he smiled more in spite of it.

“Especially when-- _if_ \--it's because of me.”

Taylor looked away shyly. I tried to collect my thoughts. If he wasn't crying and didn't seem upset with me, then I figured it was a good time to try to say all the things I wanted to say to him.

“You know I just wanted you to be happy too, right? Even though I sucked at making you happy.”

His eyes snapped back to me and he pouted. “Zac, no...”

“Yeah, I kinda did.”

“No. You didn't.”

I pouted. He clearly wasn't to go let me get away with saying that; sometimes he was more stubborn than me and Carrick combined. “Well, I could have done better. And I want a chance to.”

“Zac...” Taylor said, biting his lip.

“Yeah?”

“You... you shouldn't want this...” Taylor managed to stutter out.

“Too late,” I replied. “I already do and I'm obviously not gonna stop.”

Taylor stared at me for a moment, a smile slowly spreading across his face. “You're.. really not, are you?”

I shook my head. “Nope. Never.”

“N-never?”

“Never, Tay.”

Tears began welling up in his eyes again. “Zac... are you s-sure?”

I nodded. “I have never been more sure about anything, Tay. I love you, damn it.”

Through his tears, Taylor smiled. His voice just a whisper, he said, “I... I love you.”

I let out a small gasp, and felt myself began to tremble. I'll admit, I had doubted that he still did. I know that's a horrible thing to admit, but it was easier to deal with the way things had ended if I tried to convince myself that Taylor didn't love me anymore. “Yeah?”

He nodded, tears still gathering in the corners of his eyes. I couldn't help myself. I pounced on him, knocking both of us off the piano bench and into the floor. 

“Umm...” I giggled. “Sorry...”

Taylor laughed, then groaned.

“You okay?”

“Never better,” he said, smiling.

I returned his smile. “Is that right?”

He nodded. My smile spread across my face, growing so big that it almost hurt. I leaned down and kissed Taylor gently, still a little hesitant and scared of his reaction. I thought he wanted this too, but what if he still thought it was a bad idea? I felt him gasp against my lips and I pulled back to look at him. He was staring up at me, his eyes a little wide.

“Is that... okay?” I asked.

Taylor smiled and nodded. “Better than okay.”

I smiled, glad to have his permission, and kissed him again. The second kiss was deeper and less hesitant, and Taylor moaned against my lips. He wrapped his arms tightly around me and I could feel his tears falling, wetting both of our faces. I pulled back from the kiss and half-kissed, half-licked the tears away. Taylor laughed.

“No more crying. I won't allow it,” I said, pouting a little.

Taylor looked at me seriously, then nodded. “I love you, Zac.”

“I love you too, Taylor.”

He smiled and I sighed contently, laying my head on his shoulder. I let myself curl up on top of him, not wanting to move at all from that spot. Everything was perfect. Taylor laughed softly, rubbing my back.

“What?”

“You do realize we're laying on the studio floor?”

I shrugged. “So?”

Taylor sighed. “So, we should probably not do... this... here.”

I knew he had a point. With a sigh, I rolled off of him and sat in the floor. “Yeah... okay.”

Taylor stood up and held a hand out to me. I gave him a smile and took his hand, even though he really didn't need to help me up at all. It was just a nice gesture, and it felt good to hold his hand. 

“So...” he said, glancing around nervously.

“Umm... my place?” I offered.

Taylor gave me a look, then laughed lightly. “Sure.”

As we walked out of the studio together, I couldn't stop smiling. I knew everything wasn't really perfect – I didn't even know for sure if we were together again or what – but it felt pretty damn close.


	21. Chapter 21

**Taylor**

Even though I'd been in Zac's house hundreds of times before, it felt different this time. For one thing, it didn't smell of the peach candles Kate used to always have burning, even though Zac hated the scent. Instead, the smell of cannabis hit me almost as soon as I walked in, earth and not altogether unpleasant. It wasn't as spotless as Kate liked it, either; it wasn't a total mess, but the sink was half-full, and there were random pieces of clothing here and there on the floor, not all of which looked like Zac's. 

"Um, sorry about the mess..." Zac smirked sheepishly at me as he hastily swept some crumbs off the kitchen counter as we passed. 

"Yeah..." I smirked back, a bit sadly.

"I just didn't really see the point in cleaning." Zac paused, and I raised an eyebrow at him. "No one here to bitch at me about dishes on the counter or socks on the floor," he added with a smirk.

I took a seat on the edge of the couch, looking around the living room. Something looked off, but I couldn't put my finger on what. My eyes passed over the room, noticing how everything on top of the end tables had been pushed aside. The same was true of the low table by the window and the counter by the bar, and the bookshelf by the stairs looked like it'd been moved roughly, a few books laying on the floor. The pieces came together in my head, and I felt myself blush.

"So..." I bit my lip as I looked at Zac, trying not to think about why the room looked the way it did. He smiled as he sat next to me, and I tried to smile back.

"It's weird, being here... isn't it? I mean, I know you've been here before, but..." Zac trailed off, looking around the room; I followed his eyes, not surprisingly to the randomly cleared-off surfaces I'd already noticed. I swallowed hard, trying to block the images threatening to take over my vision.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly; I shrugged, licking my lips. 

"It... it's fine."

"We can leave if you want."

"No," I answered, shaking my head. "It's fine." I glanced back at Zac, smiling nervously when he scooted closer. "H-hey."

"Hey there," he answered back, grinning. I felt myself relax, my smile feeling less nervous and forced. Zac reached over to touch my leg gently, his eyes going serious.

"I missed you, Tay."

"I missed you too, Zac," I said softly, smiling sadly at him. Even though things seemed to be going in the right direction, it still felt strange to let myself admit to missing him.

"Not just... the sex and stuff," Zac mumbled, looking shy for a moment. "But just being around you."

"I know," I agreed, nodding.

"It couldn't have gone back to _normal_ , could it?"

I thought about Zac's question. Even though both of us had tried to pretend, things had changed irreversibly the day we discovered who "Sam" and "Jordan" really were. Maybe they'd changed before that, even.

"No. Not really." I smirked as I thought back to all the times we'd tried to fake it. "We tried like hell, though."

"I guess," Zac shrugged. I reached over, placing a hand hesitantly on his knee; he followed the motion with his eyes, a shadow of a smile tugging at his lips.

"So what do we do?"

"About what?" Zac looked up at me, a hint of confusion in his eyes.

"About us."

"Is there... an us again?"

I looked down; it'd been a long time since I'd considered the possibility of us being together again. But after living without him for so long, I knew I couldn't do it any more. I smiled, giving his knee a gentle squeeze.

"I think... I'd like there to be."

"Well I would fucking love there to be."

My head snapped up, my eyes a bit wide, and I let out a laugh. I wasn't used to Zac sounding so assertive... but I liked it.

"Why do you look so surprised?" Zac asked, tilting his head.

"Just... I don't know, you seem more... confident."

"I do? Huh... Is that a bad thing?"

"No," I answered, smiling. "Not at all."

"Of course not," he shot back, smirking, and I laughed.

"I think Carrick may have rubbed off on-" I cut myself off as soon as the double meaning hit me, my cheeks instantly burning. I heard Zac giggling, but I was too busy staring at my lap to look up.

"I'm... sorry..." Zac managed to say in between laughs; I sighed, rolling my eyes.

"You, um... you know what I meant."

"Yeah, I do." Zac managed to stop laughing, and I looked up at him.

"Seriously, though. It's a good thing."

"I think I like this new Zac, too," he agreed, smiling.

"Me too." I beamed proudly at my brother; he'd grown so much in such a short time. I only wished I could have been the reason for that, but I was grateful that Carrick had been there for him in a way I couldn't be, even though it hurt to think about it.

"So yeah, about, um... us." I cleared my throat nervously; even with what had happened in the past couple of hours, it still felt a little strange to be with Zac again. Strange, but wonderful.

"What about us?"

"Well I guess.. so there is an 'us' then?"

"Absolutely," Zac answered without missing a beat. I smiled shyly; I wasn't used to him being so straightforward, but it was a change I was happy to see. His smile fell though, as he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

"So I still have to deal with the devil from Georgia," Zac said dejectedly.

"Yeah..."

"She's going to make this hell, you know."

I nodded sadly; as much of a cunt as Kate was, I knew there was no way she would let the divorce slide by uncontested, or at least without heavy negotiation. She would try to squeeze everything she possibly could from my brother.

"But I can handle it. I think. I stood up to her once, I can do it again." Zac smiled again as I looked at him, once again struck by how much he'd grown.

"You've really... Don't take this the wrong way, but I think this whole thing... You've grown so much from it."

"Grown a pair, at least," Zac snorted, smirking, but I pushed on regardless.

"Think about what you were like six months ago."

"Repressed as fuck? Under Kate's thumb? Completely incapable about talking about my emotions?"

"Yeah... And now look at you. Confident, sure of yourself, happy."

"Yeah, I guess so." Zac scratched idly at his stubble, seemingly in deep thought about what I'd said.

"Zac... I am so, so proud of you."

"Oh hush, you're gonna make me cry," Zac teased, smirking. "You started it, you know, all these changes in me."

"I... I guess..." I didn't see how I'd done much, besides pointing him in the right direction; Carrick had helped him more than I ever could have.

"Taylor. You did."

"Okay, whatever."

"Still can't accept any praise," he smirked, rolling his eyes. "What am I gonna do with you?"

I raised an eyebrow, smirking.

"Thought that was my line..." I half-teased; Zac smirked, shrugging.

"Well? What are you gonna do with me?" Zac fired back. Even though I'd started it, I still blushed at the innuendo. "Or to me?" he added, giggling. I blushed harder, looking away and laughing nervously.

"Sorry, Tay," Zac giggled, smiling guiltily.

"It's okay, it's just... been a while." My smile fell as I thought back to all the sleepless nights, all the times I'd laid in bed with visions of Zac behind my eyes.

"Sorry..." Zac said softly.

"Not your fault. You didn't put those thoughts-" I cut myself off, biting my lip hard and mentally kicking myself.

"Tay?" Zac asked, but I looked away, cringing. "Taylor. Talk to me."

"I couldn't..." I sighed heavily, pouting. "Couldn't stop seeing... you... and him..." I glanced over in time to see Zac's eyes widen, and I wished I hadn't said anything.

"Oh god... I'm so sorry," Zac said quickly, guilt and sadness filling his eyes. I shook my head in protest, but he wasn't having it. "No, that was definitely my fault. I'm not sorry he came out here for me, but it was stupid and childish to bring him to the studio that day... I... should have known that would happen. That you would see..."

I closed my eyes, shrugging; I didn't want to make Zac feel guilty. It wasn't his fault that I'd had such a hard time letting go.

"It's not just that... I could see how happy you were... how much you didn't... didn't need me..." My eyes began to water, and despite my best efforts to hold the tears at bay, a couple slipped past my defences and rolled down my cheeks.

"Oh, Tay..." Before I knew it, Zac was pulling me into his lap, wrapping his arms around me. It felt so good to be held by him again, even though I detested feeling so weak. "I always needed you."

I met Zac's eyes, searching for any hint of doubt, but there was none to be found. 

"Being with carrick just made me see how much I love and need you, okay? Didn't matter how happy I was, there was still something missing. You. I'm not gonna... apologize for being with him, 'cause it helped me see all that. I'm sorry that I hurt you, though."

Through Zac's speech, a smile slowly returned to my lips; I felt so much love for him, almost enough for me to forget all the pain I'd been through. What had happened wasn't unimportant, but it was in the past; all that mattered now was that we were together again.

"Told you you needed him," I said teasingly.

"I guess I did; but not the way I need you." Zac smiled at me lovingly, and I returned the gaze. After a moment, I started looking around the room again; Zac followed my eyes, and I could tell he noticed the way I lingered on each of the cleared off spaces.

"Horny bastards, the both of you," I snorted, giggling. Zac just smirked sheepishly, shrugging. After a moment, he cleared his throat, and I looked at him curiously.

"So I guess you were right about Carick's, um... preferences."

"I guess so," I agreed, smirking.

"I mean, I know my gaydar sucks, but man... It's funny, since me and him were always closer. But... you knew." Zac grinned mischievously, and I felt my cheeks turn pink.

"Yeah, well... just a hunch."

"Right. Well, it's funny.... He wasn't surprised to find out about you. Then again, who would be?" Zac snorted, and I laughed nervously.

"But it's such a weird coincidence, don't you think?" Zac feigned innocence, but I knew better, and I had a sinking feeling I knew what he was getting at.

"Um, what do you mean?"

"Nothing." Zac tried again to look completely innocent, but before long he was giggling.

"Zac? What's so funny?" Instead of answering me, Zac just laughed harder. I pouted, now paranoid of what my brother was thinking about. Finally he tried to catch his breath and speak in between giggles.

"Tay, I... I know."

 

**Zac**

Taylor's face went pale and I felt a brief, fleeting moment of guilt for teasing him. “You... know w-what?”

“That you kissed him.” I giggled more.

“Crap,” Taylor said, his eyes closing slowly, as though he were too embarrassed to even look at me.

“Tay...” I said, feeling the guilt starting to creep back. “It's not a big deal, really.”

He opened his eyes. “You're not... you're not mad?”

“No, I'm not,” I replied, shaking my head. Taylor stared at me in disbelief. “I promise. Not mad.”

He finally began to smile again. I hoped he believed me. There was really no reason at all for me to be mad. Even if I had known about it back then, so what? I hadn't even met Carrick then. And once I did, he was just my friend... even if that wasn't true anymore. It still didn't have any effect on anything happening my life _now_.

“I mean, it was years ago, right?”

Taylor nodded. “A few years ago, yeah.”

“So, I was still so far back in the closet that I could see Narnia,” I replied, laughing.

“Yeah,” Tay said, letting out a laugh of his own. “And I was, umm... not entirely sober...”

“Shitfaced,” I corrected him.

He grinned sheepishly. “Yeah.”

“You could have done worse...” I remarked. Taylor's smile fell and I wondered what he was thinking. I had no clue, but I knew that I wanted to cheer him up, so I added, “and so could he.”

“We didn't...” Taylor stuttered out.

“I know. Seriously. It's not a big deal. I can't be jealous about every other person you've ever kissed.”

Taylor smirked. “Well, there's not that many, really.”

“You've got me beat, I'm sure.” The last count, in fact, was a mere four. Two women and two men. Even if Taylor wasn't hiding that many more drunken kisses from me, he was at least one or two people ahead of me. Not that it was a competition, of course.

He rolled his eyes. “So, Carrick told you about that, huh?”

I nodded and Taylor let out a little snort. It did seem kind of odd that kissing him would just come up in conversation, so I explained, “I called you a... flirt, and, umm, he agreed a little too quickly.”

To my surprise, Taylor laughed out loud. I couldn't help smiling a little at that. I was glad that we could joke around again, even if it was at his expense.

“So I made him explain himself.”

“Mhm...” Tay replied. “Did he... say anything else about it?”

“Umm... not really.” That was kind of a lie, and I was pretty sure my nervous laugh gave it away. But how in the world could I tell Taylor that Carrick had talked about having a threesome with the two of us?

“I never had the guts to talk to him about it,” Taylor admitted, giving me a shy smile. “So I don't know how much I embarrassed myself...”

“Taylor, Carrick is like terminally chill,” I replied, and he laughed. He knew I was right. “He's okay with... us... so I really don't think a drunk kiss from you is the end of his world.”

Tay nodded, and I was glad that at least for the moment, I had skated around the threesome issue. But of course, I couldn't stop talking. 

“You know what he said when he figured us out?”

“What?”

“He said it made sense.”

“He... what?” Taylor asked, tilting his head in confusion.

“Like... that we made sense together.”

Taylor just gave me the most adorable confused look I had ever seen.

“Yeah, I think that's the look I gave him,” I said, giggling. Taylor let out a laugh, too. I added, “So, seriously, don't even worry about what he thinks about you.”

“Umm...” he said, blushing. “He didn't happen to, umm...”

“What?”

“To say, like, specifically... what he... thinks?” Tay gave me a sheepish smile. “About... me?”

I felt the blood drain out of my face. So much for not mentioning the threesome thing. “Umm...”

“I mean, not that it matters... just, umm... curious, I guess...” Tay's blush deepened. It was too adorable, and I kind of wanted to just draw the conversation out forever so that he would keep getting darker and darker pink.

“He didn't say anything bad...”

Tay smiled. “Really?”

“Well, he has eyes, Tay. So of course he's noticed how hot you are,” I said, giving him a playful nudge.

“He umm...” Tay said, laughing. “He said that?”

“Yeah.” I couldn't remember he had said it in those exact words, but the sentiment was definitely there.

Taylor's blush deepened to a bright red and a huge grin spread across his face. I could feel myself beginning to blush, too, knowing what I was inevitably going to tell him.

“And umm...” I stuttered out, blushing more as Taylor stared at me. “I mean, if you had been sober...”

I let the sentence trail off into a cough, but I was pretty sure Taylor got the hint by the way his eyes widened.

“He... he said...” Taylor trailed off, biting his lip.

I nodded, my blush deepening yet again.

“Wow...” He smiled and shook his head.

“Umm... yeah...” I replied, certain that my face was just as red as Taylor's. “You know, he really is a horny bastard...”

“Yeah, I guess so,” Taylor replied, laughing. He gave me a little smirk. “Damn...”

If he only knew. And he would if I didn't stop talking. “He, umm... uh...” I stuttered out, then hid my face in my hands.

“You okay? I'm sorry... I don't mean to be making you uncomfortable. I mean, that's in the past anyway.”

“I'm okay,” I mumbled through my hands.

“Not like we're gonna be... you know...”

“Like we're gonna be what?!” I asked, my head snapping up to stare at Tay. Did he know? How could he know?!

“I meant me and him.... I mean, there _is no_ me and him... I mean...” Taylor finally stopped trying to talk and gave a frustrated sigh.

“Umm... yeah,” I replied. “It's just that he...”

Taylor stared at me. Why did I stop there. Better question – why did I even start that sentence?

“Hemayhavementionedwantingathreesome.”

“What was that?”

“Not a damn thing.”

Taylor smirked. “What did you say?”

“He. Wants. A. Threesome.” Finally. I said it.

Taylor froze. Only his rapidly blinkly eyelids were moving. 

“I mean, it was a joke... but...” I said, and Taylor still only blinked at me. I had a feeling I wasn't actually digging myself out of the hole I'd somehow dug myself into. “He kept mentioning it...”

Tay's face went pale, then back to bright red. “H-he... umm... h-he... w-w-what?”

I could see Taylor shaking, but I couldn't resist smirking a bit. “Apparently, one Hanson isn't enough for him.”

Taylor's eyes widened more and he looked kind of... sick? I wasn't really sure. His eyes weren't even focused on me or anything at all as far as I could tell. 

“Tay... I didn't say I – we would...” I stuttered out, staring at the strange look on his face. “It was a joke.”

Finally, his eyes focused on me again and he nodded slowly. “Oh... right. Yeah, I mean... of c-course not...”

“You're not like... mad at him? Or me?” I asked, unsure what Tay was thinking. Part of me was afraid to find out, but mostly I was just curious.

“NO!” He practically yelled, then laughed nervously. “I mean. Umm... no.”

Oh. Suddenly I understood. 

“Jordan. Taylor. Hanson.”

He gave me a nervous smile. “Umm... yes?”

“You're as bad as Carrick.”

“Umm... what do you mean?” He asked, giving me what I'm sure he thought was an innocent look. It wasn't.

I leaned in closer and lowered my voice. “You. Horny. Bastard.”

Taylor only laughed nervously, and that's how I knew I was right. If I had been wrong, he would have at least tried to deny it. But I was quite certain that he liked Carrick's proposition as much as I did.

“You don't have to be ashamed. You can tell me...” I said. He glanced away nervously, and I only grew more certain that I was right. “Did that idea... a threesome... turn you on?”

Taylor shivered, the movement almost imperceptible but still easy for me to read.

“Taylor,” I said softly.

Finally, he turned to look at me, and I could see for certain that he was turned on. “Maybe?”

“Only maybe?” 

Taylor closed his eyes and sighed. Was he ashamed of admitting that? That was just silly. After everything we had done together, I didn't really see the need for shame. And I definitely didn't want Taylor to be ashamed of anything either.

“'Cause I think it's hot as hell.”


	22. Chapter 22

**Taylor**

My eyes snapped open; surely I had heard him wrong. My brother, little Zaccy, couldn't possibly have just admitted to wanting a threesome with myself and Carrick. But the grin on his face suggested otherwise, as did the impish gleam in his eyes. Slowly, I felt myself smirk as thoughts and images clouded my vision.

"You... you do?" I asked, hoping he wouldn't laugh and tell me he'd only been kidding.

"Oh yeah," came Zac's husky reply as he nodded slowly. 

"Is that so..." I bit my lip as I let myself imagine the three of us together, feeling my cheeks burn.

"Don't tell me it's not making you hard just thinking about it," Zac half-teased; I nodded weakly, but he felt the need to check for himself, sliding his hand up my thigh and grasping my building erection firmly. "That's what I thought."

"F-fuck... Zac..." I moaned shamelessly, aching for him to really touch me. 

"Yeah?" Zac stared me down, obviously wanting it as badly as I did. But I beat him to the punch, gripping his hair tightly and crushing our lips together. I heard the proverbial fireworks as we kissed each other fiercely, both fumbling to touch and grip and stroke each other as much as possible.

"Taylor, fuck..." Zac broke the kiss first, his low growl vibrating the air between us. I reply with a whimper far more pathetic sounding than I liked, but he didn't complain.

"Zac... please..."

"Tell me what you want."

My head was reeling; I could barely keep my thoughts straight enough to form words at all, let alone full sentences. But Zac waited patiently, his hands soothing and familiar.

"Anything... Just... need you."

"More specific, Tay," Zac said softly, shaking his head. His tone was sincere, but there was the ever-present smirk, hiding in the corner of his tempting lips. I whimpered again, trying to silently beg for anything he was willing to give. But to back up his words, his hands finally came to rest, hovering a breath above my skin. I tried to roll my hips against his hand, whining out my plea, and he didn't back away.

"Is that what you want? Just want me to touch you?"

My eyes fell closed as I nodded weakly; a moment later I heard my zipper being pulled down and felt my jeans being removed. The next thing I felt was Zac's hand, warm and strong, being wrapped around my aching dick. My back arched and I let out a gasp, reaching out to grasp a handful of Zac's hair. He let out the obligatory purr, drawing my eyes to his.

"Good?" he asked, as if my body language wasn't assurance enough.

"Yes," I managed to breathe out, smiling; Zac echoed the smile, quickening his movements. My back arched further, every nerve on fire. I'd forgotten how good he could make it feel.

"God, you're so hot," he sighed, making me blush even deeper. "If this music thing doesn't work out, you should think about doing porn..." We both laughed at his comment; I didn't tell him that between the two of us, I considered him the better candidate for that job by far.

"Zac, please... could you..." I bit my lip, closing my eyes; as sexual of a being as I was, I hated how shy I got about asking for things out right.

"What? Tell me?"

"Pleasesuckme," I mumbled, barely meeting his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that."

I sighed heavily; I was certain he'd heard me just fine, and the way the corners of his mouth were twitching, I knew he was teasing me, but I was too far gone to care.

"Please. Suck. Me."

"Since you asked so nicely," came my brother's snarky reply; he grinned smugly as he slid to his knees, taking me in his mouth all at once. Both of my hands went to his hair as my hips bucked involuntarily; I was expecting to have to back off, but Zac merely grinned, purring. I eyed him cautiously as I gave a hesitant thrust; Zac did nothing to stop me, instead moaning and reaching down to strip his own jeans off. His hand stroking his own cock, he stared up at me intently, waiting for more.

"Holy shit," I muttered as I began to thrust harder, gripping Zac's hair more tightly. He responded with a low growl that sent a wave of vibrations through me, making my eyes roll back in my head.

"Enjoying yourself?"

I nodded eagerly, my eyes widening as he moved his hand from around my shaft to gently cup my balls, his pink tongue darting out to give them a tentative lick. I shivered as I watched him; it wasn't something I was accustomed to, but both the feeling and the idea turned me on more than I'd expected.

"Oh fuck, Zac... D-don't stop..."

He didn't stop exactly, but he did pause to tease the tip of my dick with his tongue, swirling it in lazy circles, dipping lower every now and then. The torture was almost too much, but in the most heavenly way. And when he finally took all of me down his throat again, it was so unexpected that I pulled roughly at his hair, drawing another growl from him.

I stared down at Zac as I began to thrust my hips again; he stared back, silently daring me to go harder. As if having Zac suck my dick wasn't hot enough to begin with, having him sit there and let me fuck his mouth was a nearly mind-blowing experience. As I watched him suck greedily, an idea struck me; I let one hand leave his hair, tracing my fingers lightly down the side of his neck. His eyes widened, but he gave a slight whimper that betrayed how he really felt.

"So you still like that, huh?" The fact that I found my voice was surprising to both of us, but Zac just nodded, his mouth still otherwise occupied. I let my fingers wrap around his neck a hair tighter, noting the almost imperceptible shiver. 

"Did he ever do this to you?"

Zac blinked, seemingly surprised by the question, but shook his head. I let my grip tighten, pulling Zac onto me roughly; I wasn't ready for it to be over, but my body had other plans.

"So just me, huh?" 

Zac nodded, whimpering again. I could feel the familiar tightness, and I knew I wouldn't last much longer. I gripped Zac's neck tighter, thrusting as hard as I could; more than the sexual release, I could feel wave after wave of emotion threatening to crash over me. It had been so long without him, but that was all over now.

"Fuck... So close..." I let go of Zac's neck, tangling my fingers loosely in his hair. "Come on, Zac. Suck me off." I met Zac's eyes and saw him smirk darkly, another growl rumbling between us. The shift in control was subtle, but I knew we both felt it. The fire inside was reaching its peak; I gasped and shook as my body neared the edge.

"Oh god... You want it?" I could barely keep my eyes open enough to see Zac nod, his lips wrapping ever tighter around me; a moment later my vision exploded in color and light as I screamed his name, my body practically levitating with the force of my climax. Zac's eyes were trained on me as he swallowed every drop like a starving man, his tongue lapping almost painfully at my sensitive skin.

When the drumming in my ears subsided and the haze lifted from my watering eyes, I pulled Zac up to me. He crawled up happily, licking his lips and looking completely content.

"That was... amazing," I sighed between breaths. Despite his previous boldness, a reddish hue still crept its way across Zac's lips, the look of innocence a complete one-eighty from the altogether indecent composure moments before. 

"I love you," I whispered against his lips.

"I love you too, baby."

"Been a while since anyone called me that," I sighed; my voice cracked as a couple of tears rolling unhurriedly down my cheek.

"I'm sorry baby." Zac pouted sadly, but smiled when I touched his cheek.

"Don't be. So," I sighed. "Does this mean I get to call you my... boyfriend again?" I could feel my cheeks heating up again; I hated how easily I blushed, but the fact that Zac liked it made it bearable.

"You damn well better," Zac laughed. I joined him gladly, despite the stray tears that still escaped. "I love you, you big baby."

"I missed you so much, Zac."

"Oh god, I missed you too." The urgency in Zac's voice, the _need_ , made me feel so loved, so wanted, and it warmed my heart. I took Zac's hand in mine, loving how perfectly they fit together, and brought it to my heart.

"Yours," I whispered, staring intently into the brown eyes I'd missed so much.

"Yours," he echoed, bringing my hand to his chest. Whatever we'd been through didn't matter; what mattered was that we had each other again.

 

**Zac**

Taylor smiled at me, his eyes watering, and nodded. I leaned in and kissed his cheek.

“You're too cute, you know that?”

“I've heard it before, I think...” I replied, making Taylor smirk. “But the guy who told me? He's gorgeous.”

Tay blushed and laced his fingers with mine, holding both of our hands over his heart. I sighed contentedly, happy to finally be back to this point with him. Taylor brushed his thumb over the back of my hand and blushed softly.

“I seem to remember getting myself in trouble the last time I did this...” He smirked.

I shook my head. “Not this time. Don't worry.”

He stared into my eyes, and I could see a little lingering fear and doubt in his. I wasn't sure how to make him believe me. I could say all the right words now, stare back at him as reassuringly as possible, but ultimately, none of that really mattered. I just had to _show_ him that I meant it.

He bit his lip as he stared at me. “I don't want us to make any promises we can't keep...”

“Taylor,” I said, willing my voice to sound as genuine as the words I was about to say. “Any promises I make to you, I'm gonna keep. I mean it.”

His eyes watered, but I was pretty sure that was a good sign. They had to be happy tears; I was certain I hadn't said anything he didn't want to hear.

“I would do anything you ask of me, _except_ try to live without you again.”

Taylor bit his lip hard and nodded as a tear fell down his cheek. Once again, I leaned in and kissed the tear away. Taylor gave me a little bit of a smirk. “Anything, hmm?”

“Well...” I said nervously. After all, that was opening myself up to a lot. But I think he knew what I meant.

“Don't worry,” he replied, smiling. “This time, we won't rush into anything.”

“Doesn't matter,” I said with a shrug. Taylor raised an eyebrow. “What?”

“Nothing, it's just...” He trailed off, looking a little shy. “Rushing things hasn't worked out too well for you so far...”

I shrugged. He had a point, but it seemed pretty irrelevant. “Well, I didn't say we had to rush.”

Tay nodded. “That's good.”

“But we don't have to go slow, either. Just... whatever you want.” I finished the statement with a smile.

Taylor smiled at me, and I knew I had said the right thing. 

“I've got you, so I'm happy. That's all that matters.”

“I love you so much, Zac,” Taylor said, his smile tinged with just a hint of sadness.

I touched his cheek. “Love you, too.”

“So...” He began, smirking and blushing.

I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

Taylor only laughed nervously. I didn't like the nervousness. That worried me.

“What?”

“Just... thinking.”

“About...?”

He gave me a sheepish grin. “About what you said... that Carrick... said.” He blushed and glanced away, and of course I knew what he was referring to.

“You mean the...” I began, leaning in close to his ear and whispering, “threesome?”

Tay shivered and nodded. Biting down on his lip, he said, “Yeah... that.”

I pulled back and stared at me. “You... you really like the idea, don't you?”

He shrugged, but I could see the nervousness on his face. “I'm not saying we should... I mean, it'd probably be kinda awkward.”

“My brother and my ex? Yeah, that's pretty awkward,” I replied, giggling. “But... pretty hot.”

Taylor looked at me and smirked. “Brother slash lover.”

“Brother slash boyfriend,” I corrected, giving him a smile.

He smiled, but he was still biting his lip like he was considering something.

I poked him in the side. “What? What're you thinking?”

“How happy I am to have you call me that again,” he replied, running a hand through my hair.

“Probably as happy as I am about it.” I smiled.

Suddenly, he sighed and looked away.

“Tay...” I said, poking him in the side again.

“Just... this isn't going to be easy. You know that, right?”

“I know,” I said, nodding. “But... so?”

“Well, I just think... maybe we should talk about this. Like, how we're going to make it work.”

“Okay...” I replied, not entirely sure I followed his train of thought. Of course it wouldn't be easy. But what was there to discuss?

“It's not going to be like it was with... with C-Carrick. You know, we won't be able to go out on dates, we can't be public at all...”

“We could go out,” I said. “It'll just look like two brothers having dinner. I mean, we might have to skip the candles and shit... but we can make it work.” 

Taylor gave me a smile, but heaved another sigh. I knew he wasn't totally convinced, but I also knew that was something that would come with time, when he actually _saw_ it working.

I gave him a smile. “We can. We can make it work.”

“Yeah...” He returned my smile. “You're right.”

“There you go. Positive attitude.”

Taylor smirked, then tilted his head to the side.

“What?”

He shook his head and smiled. “Nothing.”

“Tell me.” I poked him in the side. It was proving a surprisingly effective method of making him talk.

“Just... this whole new you. It's like...”

“Zac 2.0?” I offered, grinning.

Taylor laughed lightly. “It feels like... like this is the real you. Now that you're actually free to be the real you.”

“I guess this is the real me,” I replied. I hadn't really thought about it much, but I knew I had changed in the past few months. Being with Taylor again, seeing the subtle differences in how we interacted now, I understood what he meant. “It doesn't really _feel_ different. I mean, I still feel like me. I feel more me than before. And just... free.”

That really was the best way to describe it. Free. I knew there would still be some hardships, but I was more confident than ever that I could handle whatever life held for me. And that was definitely a change. I was glad that Taylor could see it, too, and that he was a fan of the new me. He didn't say anything, though; he just grinned, then leaned over and kissed my nose. I couldn't help giggling.

“I love it when you do that.”

“Good,” he said, then smiled and planted another kiss to the very tip of my nose. “I like making you laugh.”

I giggled again, partially from just how silly Taylor was and partially just because I was so happy to be with him again. “You're adorable.”

“So are you,” he replied with a smirk, then darted his tongue out and licked the tip of my nose.

I tried to make a disgusted face, but I couldn't. All too soon, I giggled again. Taylor kissed my cheek, then, and ran a hand through my hair. I couldn't hold back a little purr. It was Tay's turn to giggle then. He scratched gently behind my ear, and even though I knew he was teasing me, I purred louder. He leaned down then and gave me a gentle kiss.

I knew Taylor was right. Things weren't going to be perfect. But in that moment, things definitely _felt_ perfect. I wasn't mad at Taylor for breaking things off before, and I wasn't mad at Carrick for how that short-lived relationship had played out. Both of those things had happened for a reason, it seemed. Not necessarily to bring me back to Taylor, but to bring me back to... me. A new, better me, who was strong enough to handle being with Taylor.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Tell You My Sins and You Can Sharpen Your Knife](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8794018) by [sparkinside (boomersoonerash)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/boomersoonerash/pseuds/sparkinside)




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